Original subtitles

Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tuffty!

New-Year's Eve 1999, a new century and a new millenium.

Lets drink a great big slurpy toast

to peace and understanding around the globe.

Bravo!

After all, if history teaches us anything, it is

that in the words of St. Burt:

"What the world needs now, is love, sweet love".

What total codswallop!

If history has taughed us anything, it is at the story of man

is one long around of death and torture,

and burning people as witches,

just because they got a wart.

I'm sorry about the food, by the way.

Unfortunately my cood got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house,

and so our chef for this evening is the men who cleans out the septic tank.

Baldrick!

My Lord?

God save us.

I trust you are all enjoying your food?

No, not actualy, Baldrick. What is this for eating?

It tastes as if some one with a bad chest cold has taken

two spoonfuls of benilin to loosen the phlegm and then,

cough allover an avocado.

Well funny you shold said that sir, because...

Yes, allright, Baldrick, yes, thank you. You may go now.

I believe you have got some other duties to attend to.

Oh yes. Excuse me please everybody...

Now, where were we?

we were belly well toasting the future.

Yes. And I suppose it might also would be a perfect time,

to look to the past.

How on earth can someone look at the past? You can't see something that has already happened.

Unless you are on the toilet.

Good point, Bish.

Yes, or unless one has got a time machine.

How likely is that.

Well - very likely its actually, Darling. Because i just built one.

Stuff and nonsense! I heard some rubbish in my time...

evey time I open my mouth as a matter of fact,

but a time machine?! It is just cobblers!

I can assure you it is not.

This is the original sketch-book by Leonardo da Vinci.

And in the last year I myself have built a time machine ,

to his exact specifications.

Ladies and gentleman, the greatest breakthrough in travel

since mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself

"I'm bored with walking. I think I'll invent a machine

with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself."

Behold the time machine!

Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!

It can't be real, Blackadder. Its a practical joke, surely.

Certainly not. When was the last time I played a practical joke?

Well there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure

and I donated one of my kidneys to save your life,

and then you said it was an april fool

and we had to throw my kidney away.

Well yes, there has been the odd hilarious practical joke,

but not this time. This is a working time machine.

And to prove it I suggest a wager. I will bet you each 10,000 pounds,

that I can travel through time

and bring back any items of historical interest

which you choose to nominate.

Darling?

Oh yes allright, if you can travel through time I'll pay up,

so long as you bring with you

a genuine roman centurion's helmet.

Very well. A roman centurion's helmet!

Leave it. It's much too easy! What about the actual

Wellingtons, actually worn by Wellington

on the day, he won the battle of Waterloo?

Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons,

worn by the Duke of Wellington on the day he won the battle of Waterloo.

Anyone else?

Oh yes! I got one! I want you to get, oh I liked to see you get your hands on these,

an ancient reeking stinking pair of two hundred years old underpants.

18-centuries botty huggers, that's the ticket!

Very well. I should be on my way.

It will of course take no time at all at your time.

I should merely step in, there will be a momently shuddering,

and I will emerge triumphant.

Farewell, dear friends!

Well done, Baldrick, this is very impressive.

I'm sorry I didn't had the time to build it myself.

Don't worry my lord, i followed mr. da Vinci's

instructions to the letter.

Even know you can't actually read.

That's right my lord but, but I have done a lot of air fix models in my time...

Right, here is the centurion's helmet...

and the boots... excellent

The underpants... where the underpants?

Oh here you are my lord.

They my very best pair, and coincidently also my very worst.

So they are in fact, your only pair of underpants.

That's right my lord.

Just drop it in the bag! Oh my GOD!

Right. Lets get this stuff going, shell we? - Right my lord.

Ah... yes... all right... shake it a bit...

Make it look real. The best new year's eve prank ever.

Here we go. You hide there. 40,000 pounds - here I come!

Right...

Interesting... -What's happening, my Lord?

Well...

For God's sake, do something , Baldrick!

Something useful!

Come on get something just throw... Shu, go on go away!

Sod off!

The underpants. Try the underpants.

Bloody brontosaurus.

Him, not me! - What?

Sniff my skids!

Fascinating.

One of history's great misteries solved.

The dinosaours were in fact wiped out by your pants.

Well Baldrick, this is a turn on for the books.

You have built a working time machine!

And now therefore, rather surprisingly:

the greatest genius who ever lived.

Thank you very much my lord.

- Right lets get out of here. Shall we? - No problem my lord.

Can you set the dates, so we can get home?

Yes, I just turn that there... pull that there... then we set that there...

Pull this lever like that... And the date should come up.

But unfortunately it doesn't because I was gonna write the numbers on in felt tip pen

but I never got around to it.

Right.

So the date we are heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.

That is right my lord.

In other words, we can't get home.

Not as such.

Excellent.

Rather a spectacular return to form after the genious moment Baldrick.

Still... I think someone with common sense

ought to be able to resolve this.

All we got to do is to put these controls

back to where they were when we first set off.

I think that was about there and here... and here... there...

And that should get us home.

Excellent. You threw away our winning items, but at least we are home.

Typical. They must have got bored and gone back for pudding!

Right. You are not getting to believe, but ...

Ah, Lord Blackadder.

Elizabeth the First.

You are wearing very weird clothes.

You are looking rather old and ugly, actually.

Is that right?

Of course it's right. I'm always right.

Of course it's right.

- Melchy? - Mam?

Edmund has been very cheeky.

Shell I lowered him or chop his ugly head off?

Well, one hates to be harsh mam,

but i do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt reaction.

Very well. Kill him!

Unless of course, Eddy, you've got a present for me?

A present?

Yes, certainly, your Majesty.

A present.

Quickly! I'm getting bored now.

Oh, yes. Now...

Now, these may not look much.

They don't.

No, but, well... let's say... let's say that...

there was a place where you could buy absoloutly everything.

We already have those blackadder, and they are called markets.

Right!

Well imagine that, but times ten.

as it were a supermarket.

Now if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets, this,

he would give you some bonus points, which would mean,

that once a month you could buy

a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.

Kill him!

No! There must be... oh...

What are they?

Oh they are just sort of, sweets. Minty things.

I want one!

Yes, your majesty.

Oh, its got a hole in it.

No, they meant to be like that. That is how they made.

Blacky, you are so naughty!

It's the tastiest thing in the history of the world! Try one, Melchy!

What do you think? -Yes indeed, mam, it's most pleasant.

This is incredible, cause Melchy your mouth usually smells so badly,

as if you have eaten a whole stew for breakfast.

Well I am aware I have a less than orthodox mouthal odor, mam, yes...

Yes, well you don't smell like that anymore. You smell absolutely yummy now. And that stunk like a turd.

Aww, what a pity!

Well done, Blacky, here take this! You sexy blood.

Oh... thank you mam.

Now go forth and bring back lots more minty things,

in the next 5 minutes,

or I come after you and crash your skull like an egg.

Certainly your majesty, I will right back, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I am sorry.

Wait a minute... you are not...

Will Shakespeare, yes.

And don't say it, I know you hated "Two gentleman of Verona" .

This one is much better.

Bugger my giddy aunt...

You couldn't just sign something for me, could you?

Oh certainly.

Sorry it's just a byroad.

Thank you. Oh and just one more thing

Yes?

That is for every school boy and school girl for the next 400 years

Have you any idea how much suffering you are going to cause?

Hours spent at school-desks trying to find

one joke in "A Midsummer-night's dream".

Years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like "what ho my lord"

and "oh look here comes a fellow" talking total crap as usual.

Oh, and that...

is for Ken Branagha's endless uncut

4 hour version of "Hamlet".

Who is Ken Branagh?

I will tell him you said that.

And I think you will be very hurt.

Right, lets get out of here, Baldrick. - Certainly, my lord.

Buy the way if we are enough lucky to get out of this alive, - Yes my lord?

remind me to kill you, will you?

Oh allright my lord.

Now it was down here, when we met with the dinosaour.

And its in the middle now. So why don't we try it here.

That should do the trick.

Hm, yes, as I sucpect it was a little too far forward.

Back! Back! Back!

Oh God, where are we now?

Oh dear, you think it is safe?

I don't know. Does this look like a dangerous place to you, Baldrick?

This empty wood?

Well well, what have we here my tough band of freedom fighters, who have good muscles and are gay.

Oh God...

Look lads, we captured Lord Blackadder!

Wait a minute... aret you Robin Hood?

Am I Robin Hood?

Is Will Scarlet a poff in tights?

Is Frier Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut?

Is maiden Marion a hot little honey

with thighs like two halves of a nut cracker?

Yes,I am...

Oh yes its nice to meet you at last,

because there is one question I've always wanted to ask you.

Fire away! One final question before I impale you with my magnificent weapon... and I'm not talking about my enormous...

- Yes, yes. I know you're not. - Yes, alright sorry.

What puzzles me is this: you rob from the rich.

Yes! That is right, yeah.

And then when you rob the rich you give it ALL to the poor.

I love giving it to the poor!

Now that is the bit I don't understand.

You men are risk your lives in combat? -Yes!

You risk certain death if you are caught.

Yes?

You live here in this forest in total squalor?

I mean, I hate to think what the toilet facilities are like around here...

Not very nice actually.

And yet you still give every single penny to these so called poor.

Who just sit on their back sides all day...

Shut up now!

laughing at you saing: "oh, we don't need to get to work today,

Robin Hood and his merrymen will be along in a minute

with a big pile of cash".

I said shut up!

I'm surprised they you don't call you "Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics".

Right. That's it! Shoot him boys!

I'm great and he is not!

Robin Hood and his band of merry morons.

Ready... aim...

Fire!

Can I say that I think you made the right decision?

So do I, gorgeous.

Dim, dom...

Well, maid Marion was pretty friendly.

So as Will Scarlet. Really nice guy.

Still, the sooner we get home, the better.

We have started to affect history and that is dangerous.

We've already wiped out the dinosaours and killed Robin Hood

God only knows what will happen next time.

My Lord Emperor, I'm the Duke de Darling bring news.

The English have reached Waterloo.

Good! Prepare to attack.

Very well!

But... first I would like to ask...

Why do we want to invade Britain in the first place?

I mean their wine is made of the peepee of cows

and their women all have big beards.

We invade, Darling, because the British think they are so tough!

They think we french are sissies... they call us waids and whoopsies

and big girls' blouses.

With respect my emperor, we are whoopsies.

and we invented the tapestry the souffl� and the sweet liqueur.

We will be slaughtered the minute we march up the hill.

Do not despair. it is my firm belief that God hates the british.

He will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious victory

on this field of Waterloo.

Oh Bravo!

You wear lovely uniform today, by the way.

Oh thank you, I think it works.

Your Grace, the French are approaching.

Excellent. I have a superb plan which cannot fail,

that will result in the complete destruction of the french army.

Oh splendid. Well tell me at once your grace and I will spread the news to the troops.

Very well... the plan is... God I'm brilliant... you know I'm surprise my self sometimes, I really do.

The plan is to allow the Frrnch to come within a hundred yards...

and then, this is the complately original and brilliant part... - Yes?

then...

Your Grace!

The Duke of Wellington is dead!

Whooops...

Lads... without the plan the day is lost...

Pardon me.

Thanks very much.

Might as well try and win that cash anyway.

Why don't we try pressing this button...

Well, fingers crossed...

What can you see, Balders?

People in very short skirts my lord.

Ah, excellent the 1960-s. At last we are getting close.

I might stay a while actualy, for a bit of hippy free love.

Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you, would it, Balders?

I mean what would a sheep do with money?

No girls in skirts my lord! Men!

Ah spanded baley, 1983!

I think not, my lord.

Romans! We are still centuries out. Come on lets go!

Although I might just steal myself a roman helmet while we are here.

That is interesting. The machine seams to seek out our DNA across time.

- Just brilliant! - What, our centurion?

We are facing a horde of ginger maniacs

with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards,

or to put it into another way: the scots.

And how this our inspired leader Hadrian intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics?

By building a three foot high wall!

A terrifying obstacle! About as frightening as

a little rabbit with the word "bo" painted on its nose.

Oh come now centurion! I won't have that. This wall is a terrific defense mechanism.

Why? Surely you're not suggesting that a rubble of Scots

could get the better of Roman soldiers?

Welcome, General.

Splendid! Good to see you practicing your English, soldiers.

- Did you hear that, Balders? - Oh I certainly did, our centurion.

Back to Rome at last.

It is interesting.

There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us.

That is not a hedge, council, that's the Scots.

- Should we run, my lord? - Yes.

Perhaps we could negotiate.

Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great-great grandfather!

Lets get home, Baldrick.

We don't know where home is.

We are doomed to flow through time for all time!

Woo is me!

Shut up, Baldrick. Shut up. There is one final thing to push,

which may be our salvation...

...or not. Because it isn't fact a lollipop.

Raspberry flavoured my lord.

Oh god... I'm gonna spend rest of my life in a small wooden room

with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world.

Wait my lord - do not despair. For I have a cunning plan.

Can I say I'm not optimistic Baldrick?

To be quite frank, my lord, neither am I. My family have never been very good at plans.

So my suitably low expectations: what is your cunning plan to get us home?

Well my lord you know are when people drown, their whole life flashes in front of them.

Yeeeess?

So if you would stuck your head in a bucke of water and didn't bring it out again,

then your whole life would flash in front of you,

and you whould see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off,

and then if you pulled your head out again

just before you died, you could guide us home.

Baldrick, good plan.

With perhaps just one tiny modification.

- How is it going? - I'm 18 years old, I have just left nursery school.

I'm 25. I'm back at nursery school.

- Got it! - Very good.

I wish...I wish I flushed the loo first.

Oh yes...

As we approach the end my lord, what do you think we have learned on our great journay?

Good question Baldrick.

I suppose I have learned that I must buy you a much stronger mouth-wash for christmas, this year.

How about you?

Oh I don't know, I suppose I have learned that human beeings have always been the same.

Some nice, some nasty, some clever, some stupid.

There is always a Blackadder and there is always a Baldrick.

Yes very profound, Baldrick.

- Also it is occurs to me... - Oh God, there is not more is it...

if you are in the right place at the right time

then every person has the power to go out and change the world for the better.

God you really are as thick as clotted cream,

that's been left out by some clot until the clots are so clotted up

you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter. Arn't you Baldrick?

Real change come from hugh social, economic things,

that individuals have no effect on.

Unless you are a king or prime minister or something.

Oh yes. I suppose they can make a difference.

but for the rest of us, all we can do in life,

is to try to make a bit of a cash.

Which is what I intend to do right now.

Hang on... did you see?

God lord Blackadder, what happened there?

Yes everything went sort of... squiglly...

I have in fact, returned from the past.

Oh please... you jolly don't expect us to believe that Blackadder?

Clearly that is all some sort of cheap conjuring trick.

On the contrary, Darling.

Well Bravo, with big brass bells on!

And as a little bonus - the crown of Queen Elizabeth the First of England.

It fits!

Well done Blackadder!

Well tell me, all this stuff about um changing history with time travel...

you must have had to be damnsome careful!

Oh, I was. Very careful.

So Blackadder, tell us, did you, did you hang out with any big time celebs?

Well yes, I was actually. For example, this belongs to none other then Robin Hood.

Ha? Who?

Robin Hood.

Never heared of him. You'll have to do better than that Blackadder.

Right.

So you never heared of Robin Hood? - No.

Well this is the title-page from "Macbeth",

signed by Shakespeare himself.

Oh no no no. Come on you've heared of Shakespeare! He is the fellow who invented the ballpoint pen.

Yes, well I might had an effect on one or two things, but nothing important.

Well never mind Blackadder, you certainly won your bet.

So here it is your 10,000 franks. And jolly well deserved to.

What do you mean: franks?

What do you mean: "What do I mean: franks"?

Surely you mean 10,000 pounds.

Pounds? We haven't used those for 200 years.

Not since the Emperor Napoleon won the battle of Waterloo.

Which reminds me, it's time for us to get to the television.

Monsieur les pr�sident will be broadcasting from Versailles at any moment.

Are you coming?

Oh no. I might just go on one final little trip.

Oh no. Don't go. You haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding yet.

After which I'm going to do a pertty-pertty ballet.

Right. That is it.

Come on, Balders. We got to save Britain.

I thought I just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle.

You can't lose.

Hello Darling.

There is one question I always wanted to ask you.

Yes?

How come you are so great?

Because I'm me.

I'm a very big fun, Will.

Thank you.

Keep up the good work. "King Lear", very funny.

Good lord Blackadder, what happened there?

And here a front-page of "Macbeth" signed by shakespeare himself.

Oh my God!

That is better.

Well done, Blackadder!

But what about this stuff about changing history through time travel...

you must have had to be damnsome careful!

Oh, I was. Very, very careful.

Intriguing thought actually isn't it? You know the smallest thing can change history.

Imagine if Wellington would died before battle Waterloo -

we would all be franch.

Or if someone hadn't invented the deodorant we would be smelling.

The tiniest thing could effect the course of human history.

Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could reek.

Yes...

Could you excuse my for just five seconds?

Yes. Absolutely.

Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television? I will be back very very soon.

Huh splendid, but do hurry Blackadder, don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Baldrick, I have a very very very cunning plan.

Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be professor of cunning at Oxford university

but has moved on and he is now working for the UN

and the High Commision of International Cunning Planning?

Yes it is.

That's cunning...

Right here goes.

And now excitement is reaching fever pitch, as the final guest of honor arrived at the day.

Many of the crowds have been here for up to 36 hours waiting for this moment.

And I'm sure they won't be disappointed,

as the great car sweeps into view.

Because here at last is the king himself!

King Edmund the III, universally loved,

98% approval rating accross the country.

With him, his gorgeous new bride Queen Marion of Sherwood,

the nations most famouse beauty, beloved by all.

And here to greet them, is the prime minister

unmarried of course, but now entering his fifth term of office.

the relationship between the king and his first minister

particularly close nowadays

since the dissolution of parlament 2 years ago,

and what a great partnership these two have become,

leading Britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millenium.