All language subtitles for Anthony Jeselnik Caligula (2013)[1080p]

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Anthony Jeselnik.

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-MAN: Anthony.
-WOMAN: Anthony.

-MAN: Anthony.
-WOMAN: Jeselnik.

Jeselnik!

Anthony Jeselnik.

WOMEN:
Anthony Jeselnik!

WOMAN:
Anthony Jeselnik.

-Anthony Jeselnik.
-MAN: Anthony Jeselnik.

Anthony Jeselnik.

Anthony Jeselnik!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I know, right?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, guys.

So great to be here in Chicago.

I love this city.

I like Chicago.

Like, I respect Chicago.
You know what I mean?

Like, if I smoke a cigarette
here in Chicago,

I'm very polite,

and I'll put it out
in an ashtray or a garbage can.

If I was back in L.A., I would
do what I would normally do

and just...

[ Laughter ]

...flick it at a kid.

[ Laughter ]

I really do love this town.

I actually once went on a date
with a girl from Chicago.

Now, this was like 10 years ago,

back before
I was even a comedian yet.

Back then I was just a regular
old piece of shit like you guys.

[ Laughter ]

But I'll never forget this date,
you know?

We meet up at a bar.

We start drinking,
we start talking.

We're laughing together,
we're connecting.

It was great.

But then we leave the bar,
we go back to her place.

And as soon
as we walk in the front door,

she passes out cold
on her couch.

Now, I went to college.

[ Laughter ]

I knew I had a million options.

[ Laughter ]

But I'm a gentleman,
so I did the smart thing.

I just got a blanket,
I tucked her in,

and I left her a note that said,
"You got raped."

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like it's very important,

very important to open up
my show with a rape joke.

[ Laughter ]

Just to see what kind of crowd
I'm dealing with here.

You guys are gonna be great.

[ Laughter ]

But if you were upset
or you were offended in any way,

please don't worry.

I've only got
two more rape jokes...

[ Laughter ]

...and I'll wait
about 15 minutes.

But don't think I'm a bad person
for making that joke.

Don't think I'm a bad guy
for saying that.

I'm a good guy.

Like, I would never hit a woman,
you know?

I would never hit a woman,

even if she had a knife or...

a stutter.

[ Laughter ]

It's not how I do business.

In fact, I might be one of
the greatest guys of all time.

Like, I've got a kid in Africa.

Yeah, I've got a kid in Africa
that I feed,

that I clothe,

that I school,

that I inoculate

for 75 cents a day.

Which is practically nothing,
you know,

compared to what it cost
to send him there.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

You guys are --
You guys are doing great so far.

I love performing in Chicago.

The only weird thing about
performing in Chicago, for me,

is that, after all my shows,

everybody just wants to
do drugs with me.

[ Laughter ]

Like,
"Anthony, that was hilarious.

I got a joint on me.
Let's go smoke it."

"Hey, Jeselnik,
amazing job, as usual."

[ Laughter ]

"I've got mushrooms
in my backpack.

Let's eat 'em."

And I've got to
keep telling them

the same thing I'm gonna
tell you guys right now.

"Hey, assholes...

...I'm fucking famous.

[ Laughter ]

Give it to me."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I think my friend Jeff is gay.

I don't know.

I'm so bad with names.

[ Laughter ]

It's tough.

Smart crowd.

When I was a kid,
my friends and I got arrested

for vandalizing a graveyard.

$10,000 in damages.

But we had a great lawyer

who knocked it down
to criminal trespassing

and necrophilia.

[ Laughter ]

I make a lot of jokes
about death.

I think it's hilarious.

[ Laughter ]

My whole family's like that,
actually, you know?

[ Siren wails ]

This is how hard
I'm fucking killing.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

My whole family's like that,
kind of, you know?

In fact,
well before I was even born,

my great-grandmother
threw herself in front of a bus.

Police tried to say
she was committing suicide,

but the family knew
that she was just

trying to stop civil rights.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Yesterday I accidentally
hit a little kid with my car.

It wasn't serious, you know?

Nobody saw me.

[ Laughter ]

My little sister
had a baby recently.

A little newborn.

Kid is so cute.

But she won't let me hold him.

She refuses.

Says, "No way, Anthony.

I'm afraid
you're gonna drop him."

Like I'm some kind of idiot.

Like I don't have a million
other ways to hurt that baby.

[ Laughter ]

I will get it done.

[ Laughter ]

And people get weird
when kids die.

[ Laughter ]

No, that's a fact.
That's a fact.

Like, about a month ago,

some kids in my neighborhood
were playing hide-and-go-seek,

and one of them ended up
in an abandoned refrigerator.

It's all anybody
talked about for weeks.

I said, "Who cares?

How many kids you know
get to die a winner?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

I assume you guys all knew who
you were coming to see tonight.

But if you didn't,
you sure as shit know now.

[ Laughter ]

Like, one thing
I've never understood

is, like, the foot fetish.

Like, are you guys together
right here?

Yeah?
How long you guys been together?

-WOMAN: Five years.
-Five years. Wow.

Do you ever suck on her feet?

No? Would you if you had
a different girlfriend?

[ Laughter ]

Or are you, like,
across-the-board no feet?

-I don't really mind it.
-You don't really mind it?

You just don't do it to her
because you have mistresses.

I get it.

'Cause I'm across-the-board
no feet.

I once went on a date with
a girl where we went hiking.

Her idea.

And while we're hiking,
she gets bit by a snake

in between two toes.

And I had
to suck out the poison.

So she's dead.

-What's your name?
-Bridget.

-Where are you from, Bridget?
-The suburbs.

-The suburbs?
-Yes, that's right.

That sure narrows it down.

[ Laughter ]

-What -- What do you do?
-WOMAN: What?

What do you do when you're
not being so fucking boring?

[ Laughter ]

Take your time.
I'm really funny.

[ Laughter ]

I'm a full-time student.

You're a full-time student.
Okay, what do you study?

-WOMAN: Psychology.
-Psychology.

-Where do you go to school?
-Rockford College.

Rockford College?

So you're not gonna be
a good psychologist.

Last question, darling.

Have you ever been
on a blind date before?

-You ever do that?
-No.

No?
You're lucky.

I went on a blind date once,

just once,
and I will never do it again.

It was the biggest disaster
of all time.

She ended up
being a burn victim...

[ Laughter ]

...by the end of the night.

I mean,
it was, like, the worst...

-[ Laughter ]
-It was brutal.

I've spent the past two years

looking for
my ex-girlfriend's killer.

But no one will do it.

[ Laughter ]

My ex-girlfriend
owned a parakeet.

Did you guys hear
what I just said?

[ Laughter ]

She owned a parakeet.

Oh, my God.

That fucking thing
never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My ex-girlfriend had a lot of,
like, really annoying habits.

I think the worst was that she
loved to read women's magazines,

like Cosmo or, uh...

or things like Cosmo.

And she would flip straight to
the relationship quiz.

And not only
would she present that to me

as if it was, like,
a fun activity

for us to do together --

even though every question
is designed

to fuck my entire world up.

But even worse is she would
get mad at my answers

and make me change them
so we'd get the best score.

Like, I'll never forget the last
time we played that game.

She was like, "Anthony,

if you could have lunch
with anyone in the world,

living or dead,
who would it be?"

And I said, "I don't know.
Caligula."

[ Laughter ]

And she goes, "Really? Caligula?
That's your answer?

That's what you're gonna say
to me, your girlfriend?

Are you sure?"

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Let me change that.
I'd have lunch with you.

And you'd be dead."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah,
we're not together anymore.

She's got a new boyfriend now.

They just moved in together.

And I've heard rumors
that he's abusive,

which makes me want to go
over there with a baseball bat

and then blame it
on her boyfriend.

[ Laughter ]

But I don't want to sound like
a misogynist up here.

My ex-girlfriend wasn't, like,
a bad person, really.

She wasn't a bad girl at all.

But she was terrible in bed.

Terrible in bed.

I mean,
she would just lie there,

screaming, "No!"

[ Laughter ]

That was rape joke number two,
baby doll.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, clap it up.

My girlfriend now is great.

My girlfriend now
is almost perfect.

And she hates
that I tell rape jokes.

Hates it.

Says, "Anthony,
how can you make light

of something as terrible as rape

after I told you that
I got raped in high school?"

And I said, "Baby,
because I don't believe you."

[ Laughter ]

The point is, my girlfriend
is very sensitive, all right?

Like, the other day,
she got her hair cut.

Two inches trimmed
off of her hair.

Then she came home and cried
about that for two hours.

Over a haircut.

I couldn't believe it.
Finally, I went to her.

I said, "Baby,
what are you so upset about?

It's just a haircut.

I'm the one that's got to
find a new girlfriend."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, she got mad.

She got really mad at me.

She got really mad at me
a couple months ago

because she had e-mailed me
a naked picture of herself,

you know, which is
a nice thing to do.

But then I screwed up

and I accidentally forwarded
that e-mail to everyone.

[ Laughter ]

Now, my girlfriend is furious,
mortified,

disgusted with me over this.

But now I don't even
care about her anymore.

'Cause now I've got to call up
my mother on the phone and say,

"Mom, I am so sorry about that.

That picture, that e-mail...

was just for Dad."

[ Laughter ]

My girlfriend and I argue a lot.

It's mostly her arguing with me
kind of thing.

Like, I should
just keep my mouth shut.

Every fight we get into
is my fault.

I should just
keep my mouth shut, but I can't

because I'm so fucking funny.

[ Laughter ]

Like, a couple of nights ago,
we go to a party, all right?

We get trashed,
completely wasted.

We wake up in bed the next
morning completely hung over.

And I know I should
just keep my mouth shut,

but instead, I roll over,
and I say,

"Listen, baby, don't get mad,

but I think your mom tried
to have sex with me last night."

And she hit the roof.

She goes,
"Anthony, that's impossible."

And I said, "Oh.

Well, in that case,
you should always wear makeup."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I love that joke so much.

Here's why.

Did you guys hear, like,
the sounds you made?

Like that was the worst thing
I've said tonight?

I've told three rape jokes.

[ Laughter ]

I like to play pranks
on my girlfriend,

you know,
keep things fresh for me,

make me laugh, you know?

She hates it.

But, like, the other night,
I put Saran wrap

over the toilet seat, you know,

which doesn't sound
that original,

but she's bulimic.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I like that you laugh
until I look at you,

and then you stop laughing.

'Cause you don't want to give me
the satisfaction.

[ Laughter ]

That's great.

You seem like a cool girl

in a completely different
environment.

[ Laughter ]

But we'd make it work, you know?

Like, how long have you guys
been together right here?

-MAN: Three years.
-Three years, okay.

What would you say
is, like, the secret

to a good, long relationship?

Communication.

Communication. Wrong.

[ Laughter ]

The secret
is trying new things together,

especially in the bedroom.

The other night, my girlfriend
and I are in bed together.

She says, "Anthony,
I want you to pee on me."

Now, I have never thought about

peeing on a woman
in my entire life.

Never even imagined it before.

But then I got the green light.

And, apparently, it's my thing.

[ Laughter ]

Like, I just
jumped up right away, you know?

But as soon as that begins,
she starts screaming at me.

Like it's my fault
she talks in her sleep.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

No big deal for me.

My girlfriend yells at me
all the time.

She yells at me all the time.

And, again, I'm a gentleman.

I never think it's okay to yell
back at a woman, no matter what.

I mean, you saw how I handled
that shit right?

[ Laughter ]

I never think it's okay
to yell back at a woman.

But the other night, she yelled
at me for so long and so loud

that the cops came to the door,

which is embarrassing,

because now I've got to answer
my own door

and say,
"Officers, I'm so sorry.

There is no reason
for you to be here tonight.

I already tased her."

I've got this friend
named Kevin.

I call him a friend.

More of an acquaintance, really.

One of those people who think

they're way better friends
with you than they actually are.

Like, the other day,
Kevin says to me,

"Hey, man,
you know what I like to do

when I'm all by myself
and no one's around?"

And before I can say, "Hey,
we're not really friends"...

[ Laughter ]

...he says,
"I like to take peanut butter

and smear it all over myself

and then let my dog
lick it off."

I said, "Dude, you have got to
get yourself a girlfriend.

I'll trade you mine
for that dog."

[ Laughter ]

You guys are fantastic.

It's great. Relax.

[ Laughter ]

I really love performing
at this place.

And, you know,
it's a great place to perform.

And I would know.

I perform all over the world.

Clubs, theaters,
colleges, festivals.

Colleges are great
'cause it's just me

talking to, like, 18-
to 22-year-olds, you know,

which is ideal.

[ Laughter ]

And they teach me things
all the time, you know.

Like, I was at a college
recently,

and they taught me the term --

Have you guys ever heard
the term "but-her-face" before?

You ever heard that?

Yeah. It's been around
for a long time.

If you haven't heard the term,

"but-her-face" is like a girl
who's got a really hot body

but her face, you know?

But her face is all fucked up.

[ Laughter ]

Now, when I heard that,

I thought that was pretty mean,
you know.

I've never dated
a but-her-face before.

But I did once date
a monkeyface.

[ Laughter ]

Have you guys
ever heard of that?

It's different.

A monkeyface is like a girl
who's got, like, a face

like a total monkey.

[ Laughter ]

But the rest of her
isn't that hot.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, she was one in a million.

I would give anything
to go back and pee on her.

[ Laughter ]

I like telling that joke a lot

'cause people think
I'm about to be racist with it.

Like, "Oh, Anthony,
you are racist."

Well, fuck you.

I'm not racist at all.

Some of my best friends
are black for Halloween.

[ Laughter ]

Clubs are great.
Colleges are great.

Festivals, though --
festivals are where it's at.

Festivals -- it's like musicians
and comedians

hanging out all week.

You never get to do that.

I got to go
to South by Southwest

in Austin, Texas, last year,
which is a great festival.

But I didn't realize
how popular it gets.

I drive into town.

I'm like, "Hey, where's
my hotel room this weekend?"

WOMAN: Yeah.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you
for backing me up there.

I don't know.

I don't know what story
you think we share,

but you are wrong.

[ Laughter and applause ]

"Yeah, I'm on the same page
as this famous fucking guy

who travels around the world."

We're cool.

We're good.

So, I...

So, I get into town.

I say, "Hey, where's
my hotel room this weekend?"

And they said, "Well, where
did you book your hotel room

this weekend?"

I said, "I didn't."

And they said, "Yeah?

Your hotel room is in your car,
you fucking idiot."

[ Laughter ]

It's 2:00 in the morning.

I'm trying to fall asleep
in the back of my car.

And I get a phone call
from the festival.

They say, "Anthony, good news.

There's a hotel
about three miles away.

They have one room
that just became available.

If you get there right now,
right away,

they will take care of you."

So I drive as fast as I can.

I get there first.

Guy behind the front desk says,

"Yes, Mr. Jeselnik,
we do have one room available.

But, by law, I have to tell you
that earlier this afternoon,

two prostitutes overdosed
in that bed."

And I said,
"Well, how much more is that?"

[ Laughter ]

Are you still on board
at this point?

[ Applause ]

But I don't want to sound like
I'm complaining to you guys.

I don't want to sound bitter.

Being a comedian is
the greatest job in the world,

like, greatest job in the world.

Once you get to my level.

[ Laughter ]

The only thing I don't like
is all the travel.

I'm always flying somewhere.
I'm always in an airport.

Even flying into Chicago
a couple days ago,

two-and-a-half-hour
flight delay.

I'm stuck in an airport bar

talking to some random asshole.

And I got nowhere to go.

So I'm like,
"Hey, man, what do you do?"

And he says, and I quote,

"Oh, nothing right now.

But I used to be a priest."

As in, "Oh shit," right?

But I got nowhere to go.

So we keep talking,
we keep drinking.

Finally, two hours goes by.

Guy gets up. He's like, "Hey,
man, I got to catch my flight.

But I don't want to lie to you.
I used to be a priest.

I got kicked out
'cause I molested a kid."

Now, here's the thing.

After talking to this guy

and getting to know this guy
for two hours, I have to admit,

he was actually
a really cool guy,

if you could forget about,
you know...

...all that Jesus bullshit.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Yeah, that's a favorite.

I'm probably
gonna tell it again later.

But it's not all bad news
with me, you know?

My grandfather turns
100 years old next month.

[ Applause ]

Maybe.

[ Laughter ]

I'm...

I'm really skeptical.

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death

when I was a kid.

My grandmother died
from a heart attack

during my 9th birthday party.

Literally while
she was eating cake.

And I guess that must have

screwed me up a little bit,
you know?

I mean, I still have
birthday parties.

But now I'm just
careful what I wish for.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My dad's been having a hard time
lately.

Keeps on losing his keys.

Can't hang on to a set of keys
to save his life.

And he has tried
everything, too.

Little hook next to the door.

Little bowl next to his bed.

One of those keychains

that makes a noise
when you whistle, you know.

Nothing worked.

So, finally,
this year for his birthday,

the whole family chipped in

and we put him in a home.

[ Laughter ]

And that was not easy.

Not an easy decision
to make at all.

My dad was an amazing man,
you guys.

My dad was an amazing --

My dad raised five boys
all by himself...

...without the rest of us
knowing.

[ Laughter ]

And, sure, my dad
had his problems, you know?

He had his issues.

My dad was a big-time alcoholic,

major-league alcoholic,

black-out-every-night
kind of alcoholic.

But, to his credit,
my dad never once laid a finger

on either me or my mom,
not once.

And I don't know if it was
just because he loved us so much

or if he just hated my sisters.

-But either way...
-[ Laughter ]

Either way, he was a great dad.

I remember a tough time for me.
I was like 10 years old.

My parents call me
into their bedroom.

They say, "Anthony,
we want to get a divorce.

You have to decide which one
of us you want to live with."

I was a 10-year-old kid.
I didn't know any better.

I just said, "Dad, Dad.
I want to live with Dad."

It was heartbreaking.

My mom just looked at the floor
and said,

"Well, whatever you want,
Anthony."

And my dad just said, "I don't
want a divorce anymore."

[ Laughter ]

That was tough.

And maybe the most uncomfortable
moment of my life

was when my dad
gave me the sex talk.

Oh, God.

The old man was
into some really crazy shit.

[ Laughter ]

But then maybe the greatest
moment of my life ever --

I think this is, like,
a universal things for guys --

I'm 12 years old,
I'm sneaking around my house,

and I found my dad's porn
in the back of the attic.

That was a great day.

That was a game changer for me.

But then
the worst day of my life

was the day
I found my mom's porn...

...in the back
of that video store.

[ Laughter ]

I told that joke recently
on "Conan" --

that's right, "Conan"...

[ Laughter ]

...and immediately afterwards,
my mom called me on the phone.

And she said,
"Anthony, what the fuck?

[ Laughter ]

Do you really have to
make up a joke

that makes me sound like
I work in pornography

and then say it on 'Conan'?

That's my least favorite joke
that you have."

And I just said, "Well, Mom,

that's only because
you haven't heard

the other jokes I tell about you

that they are not allowed
to let me say on 'Conan.'"

-Per example...
-[ Laughter ]

My mom is crazy.

People always like to joke,
"Oh, my mom's crazy."

My mom is ca-razy.

Her entire house
is filled with nothing

but pictures of Princess Diana.

And they're all
from right after the accident.

[ Laughter ]

And most of them she drew.

Like, it's really fucked up,
you guys.

[ Laughter ]

My mom had one of those tiny,
little dogs,

those little Pomeranians.

And she loved it
more than any of her kids.

To the point that when
it finally died last year,

she had it stuffed...

with another Pomeranian.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

And my mom's been having
a hard time lately.

She just found out
she has to have

both of her breasts removed...

if she's ever gonna be good
at golf.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.
That cannot be easy to hear.

So I went home to visit -- I'm
from Pittsburgh, originally --

and just hang out with my mom
for a little bit, you know?

-[ Scattered applause ]
-Yeah. Congrats.

[ Laughter ]

Wanted to go home and hang out
with her for a little bit,

you know, help her out,
cheer her up.

But all my mom cares about now
is the lottery

and me running errands for her.

Like, every day.

Every day, it's,
"Anthony, go play my numbers.

Go play my numbers, please.
I don't want to miss out today."

Finally, after a week of this,
I had to say to her,

"Mom, are you out of
your goddamn mind?

Don't you know
you've got a better chance

of getting struck by lightning

than me doing you a favor?"

[ Laughter ]

Now, one thing I've learned

in all my years
of doing stand-up comedy

is that people get really upset.

Audiences get really upset

if I ever try to tell a joke
about suicide.

So, because of that, here are
four jokes about suicide.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Ow!

[ Chuckles ]
That's appropriate.

[ Laughter ]

I've got a long history
of suicide in my family.

The good news is,
it skips a generation.

So if I'm lucky,
my kids will do it.

[ Laughter ]

I'll never forget

my sister Ashley tried
to kill herself last year

by throwing herself off a cliff,
which is awful.

I'm actually the one
who found her

and had to drive her
to the cliff.

[ Laughter ]

Like I don't have better shit
to do.

When I was a kid,
my Uncle Tom killed himself.

I remember that

because the family
actually tried to cover it up,

make it look like
he accidentally shot himself

playing regular roulette.

[ Laughter ]

No one -- No was fooled.

Just didn't work.

But I think the worst for me
was probably my cousin Ty,

who killed himself
a couple years ago.

That was hard
'cause he was just, like,

a little bit older than me.

I would always go to him
for advice.

And he was great with it, too,

whether I was asking
about school or girls,

just life in general, you know?

He always said the same thing
to me.

He'd say, "Anthony,
kill yourself."

[ Laughter ]

I miss that guy.

No, you guys have been
a great crowd tonight.

You've gone with me everywhere
I've wanted you to go.

But if you've just been sitting
there this whole time, thinking,

"Anthony, this is all
well and good,

but where are
your offensive jokes?

[ Laughter ]

Where are your showstoppers,
if you will?"

Well, guys,
I save those for the end.

I'm gonna tell you all
a series of jokes right now

that are going to get
increasingly more offensive.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I like that enthusiasm.

Let's see how far it carries.

[ Laughter ]

They say it's easy --

They say it's easy to make fun
of retarded people.

But let me
tell you guys something --

It is not.

You have really
got to explain it to them.

[ Laughter ]

That was the first one.

Every night, my girlfriend
comes home from work,

and she brings with her
a houseplant.

She's like, "Anthony,
I had to pick this up.

We need a houseplant
in our apartment."

And every night,
I make her return it.

I say, "No way, baby.

You can't take care
of a houseplant.

You couldn't even
keep your baby alive."

[ Laughter ]

Right?

Two for two, huh?

[ Laughter and applause ]

We just, uh --

We just found out my little
brother has a peanut allergy.

A peanut allergy,
which is very serious, I know.

But, still,
I feel like my parents

are totally overreacting.

They caught me eating a tiny
little bag of airline peanuts,

and they kicked me
out of his funeral.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like some of you guys

might be too nice
to laugh at some of these jokes.

And that's okay.

Not everybody has
a great sense of humor.

[ Laughter ]

You guys would probably love
my little nephew.

He's like 6 years old.
So cute.

I talk to him every day
on the phone.

He's unbelievable.

He's got, like,
the greatest imagination ever.

He's either gonna be
an incredible artist someday

or he really did get molested.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I wasn't even laughing
about that one.

I was thinking about
what's coming.

[ Laughter ]

I feel like I need to say,
like, I really believe this,

that being a mother seems like

one of the toughest jobs
in the world.

Like, literally,
right below comedian.

[ Laughter ]

So, to me, if a mother
does her best,

then, in my book,
she's a good mom, all right?

Now, my mom did her very best.

Unfortunately,
she was also a terrible person.

Like, my mom, for most of
her life -- and this is true --

my mom, for most of her life,
was a Holocaust denier.

Does everybody know
what that means?

[ Laughter ]

It means she couldn't believe
the Holocaust happened.

It's, like,
the worst thing you can be.

And it was terrible

for the entire family
to have to deal with

until, finally,
a couple years ago,

we had an intervention.

And we had a rabbi
come into the home,

had him walk her through the
history of the Jewish people,

and then he made her watch
"Schindler's List."

And after that,
my mom did a complete 180.

Now she can't believe
it only happened once.

[ Laughter ]

I'm glad you guys
enjoyed that one.

[ Laughter ]

Because my mom was also
really racist, too.

Like, when I was a kid, my mom
thought it was smart parenting,

she thought it was a good idea

to try to convince me
that Santa Claus was black.

Because then that way,

when I eventually found out
he didn't exist,

it wouldn't be
that big a letdown.

[ Laughter ]

Three more.

[ Laughter ]

I'm not a religious person.

I would call myself an atheist.

I don't have
a good story behind it.

I'm just reasonable.

[ Laughter ]

But my girlfriend [Chuckles]

My girlfriend has got, like,
the greatest story

behind why she's not
religious anymore.

She said, when she was a kid,
like 12 years old,

her parents nailed
a 25-pound crucifix to the wall

right above her bed.

And about two weeks later,
in the middle of the night,

the crucifix falls off the wall

and leaves a two-inch gash

in the back of her dad's head.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Like, whether you laughed
or not,

you got to admit,
that's a fucking great story.

[ Laughter ]

Now, one thing that drives me
crazy with my girlfriend now

is that she's got, like,
a million shoes.

Like, a million shoes.

And she doesn't even like
to wear them.

I swear she just likes stealing
from the Holocaust Museum.

[ Laughter ]

Now, that joke,
you're either laughing

or you've simply never been
to the Holocaust Museum.

[ Laughter ]

You got to believe me.

It's like a Nike factory
in there.

[ Laughter ]

But if you haven't been,
you should go.

It's important.

[ Laughter ]

Now, people who fly a lot
the way that I do,

people who fly all the time,

they all say the same thing
to me.

They say, "Anthony,
there's nothing worse

than a baby on an airplane.

Nothing worse than a baby
on an airplane."

But I disagree.

I can give you guys
four examples

of when having a baby
on an airplane was awesome.

Although they were all on 9/11.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Now, this is the ideal time
to tell you guys

that I love to meet fans
after the show.

I like when people come up and
say, "Anthony, you're a genius.

Anthony, best show
I've ever seen."

And that's it.

I don't ever want to hear
anything else.

If you've got
a bone to pick with me

over something
I've said tonight,

instead, you should just
shut the fuck up.

[ Laughter ]

Because, seriously, I know more
about comedy than you do,

and you came to see me.

[ Man shouts indistinctly ]

Like I said, shut the fuck up.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

But, still, even after
I've just said all that,

you still feel like
you need to come up and bitch,

well, then, I will be as polite
as I can possibly be.

However, it is ill-advised.

Because you will end up
as a joke in my act...

[ Laughter ]

...much like the blind guy

who came up and complained to me
in Seattle after a show.

He walked up and said,
"Anthony, Anthony.

[ Laughter ]

Why didn't you tell
any blind jokes tonight?

I came here
to hear blind jokes tonight."

And I said,
"Well, here's a blind joke."

[ Laughter ]

Another good one for me
was the lesbian in Portland

who ran up after a show.

And I know she was a lesbian

because she ran up and yelled
out, "Anthony, I'm a lesbian!

And I thought you were
really funny tonight,

but you're just lucky
you didn't make

any lesbian jokes up there.

'Cause I would have
gotten really mad

if you had made fun
of any lesbians tonight."

And I wanted to say to her,
"Hey,

do you realize that
that makes you a terrible person

and that you have
no sense of humor?

Plus, you're an idiot

if you felt okay laughing at

all the other messed-up things
I joked about

but you'd have gotten
really upset

if I'd made fun of you
or something you care about."

And I was gonna say all that,
but then I remembered,

"Anthony, she's a lesbian.

She knows."

[ Laughter ]

My second-favorite post-show
interaction of all time

had to be -- I was in Boston
a couple years ago,

and a very drunk girl --
they're always very drunk --

ran up to me.

And she screams out,

"You should never make fun
of the Holocaust!"

And I said, "Why?"
You know, just to be a dick.

[ Laughter ]

And she says, "Because I lost
family in the Holocaust."

And I said,
"Well, you don't look Jewish."

And she said, "Listen, asshole.

There are certain lines
you're not supposed to cross,

certain boundaries
you're never supposed to push."

And I said, "Hey, hey, hey.

I just gave you a compliment."

[ Laughter ]

But my favorite --

the best, most unbeatable,
never-gonna-happen-again

post-show interaction
of all time had to be

just -- just about a year ago.

I was performing
in Orlando, Florida,

home of Casey Anthony.

And this is
right after the trial,

like immediately
after the trial.

And I said, "Listen, everybody,

I don't understand
what the big deal is here.

Of course Casey Anthony
is innocent.

If she's guilty of anything,
it's killing her baby."

[ Laughter ]

Now, after the show,

I'm taking pictures,
signing tits --

You know how it is.

[ Laughter ]

And a guy walks up to me,

totally sober,
looking very upset.

And he says,
"You need to do me a favor,"

which is
a terrible way to start.

He says, "You need to never tell

another Casey Anthony joke
ever again."

And I said, "Why?"

You know, just to be a dick.

[ Laughter ]

And he says --
I'll never forget this.

He says, "Because her daughter,
Caylee Anthony,

is my niece."

And I said, "Bullshit."

At which point
he takes out his phone,

sadly hits a couple buttons,

and he shows me a picture of him
holding little Caylee Anthony,

in happier times, of course.

[ Laughter ]

And he says, "See?
See, you son of a bitch?"

And I said,
"No, man, I believe you.

I just mean she was your niece."

Thank you very much, everybody.

Have a great night.
Thank you so much.

-Thank you.
-[ Cheers and applause ]

WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am
your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer,

as it were.

Just gonna do a few minutes
before we bring him up.

I had $10,000.

No, I would be happy.

[ Laughs ]

And then I go to London,
my first day there...

[ Laughter ]

You walk into the house.

You have a jacket, hat, and bag.

Yeah, but, yeah.
But very good-looking.

And that is a great combination,
right?

And then make
this very non-guilty face.

[ Laughter ]

It's like, I've never seen...

Amazing.

You guys have been awesome.
Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik.

It's gonna be an amazing night.
Thank you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Applause ]

MAN: All right, you guys,
put your hands together.

Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik!

[ Cheers and applause ]