Original subtitles

[romantic jazz music playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God. Kyle?

Oh, Kyle. You are good.

♪ ♪

Someone is about to get the wettest, sloppiest

nastiest, little--

Oh! Mary Louise? What are you doing here?

- Chelsea, the first time I saw you wearing a belly chain

at faculty orientation, I thought,

that's a girl I need to know.

And as I got to know you better,

I realized you're the best, most beautiful

exciting person I've ever met.

I've always known I wanted you

standing right across from me.

I mean, next to me on my wedding day.

Chelsea Trixie Dynasty Snap,

will you be my maid of honor

and accept this robe?

- [chuckling] Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Of course!

[both squealing]

[chuckles] Aw.

Wait.

I've never given you a key.

How did you get into my apartment?

[rock music]

- ♪ Teachers ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

- Oh, hi.

What are you all doing here?

- What's with the robe?

Did you rob Hugh Hefner's grave?

- [gasps] Too soon, Deb.

I was devastated when I wasn't picked

to be his third girlfriend.

And Mary Louise gave this to me.

You're looking at her o-fish maid of honor, babies! Uh!

- I didn't know she started choosing bridesmaids already.

- Yeah, she's capping it at five.

So far it's me Hot Dad's sister and some lame church friend

who looks like a backwoods Amber Tamblyn.

Oh, but don't worry. The last two spots

are going to you guys.

- But there's three of us.

- Awkwardio.

♪ ♪

- Is it weird that I really want to be chosen

as one of Mary Louise's bridesmaids?

- No, I really want to be one too.

- I just assumed we'd all be in the bridal party.

- Rookie mistake. Bridal parties

are more cutthroat than sorority rush.

And not to brag but I've been chosen as a bridesmaid

20 out of 20 times.

Once, I even beat out the bride's twin sister.

So I'm feeling pretty good.

Especially since Mary Louise invited

me to go dress shopping with her.

- That was a group text, dildo. We were all invited.

- What? Why?

Can you even name one wedding dress silhouette?

- Puffy.

What's the deal, Caroline?

After all those one night stands,

are you having phantom dick syndrome?

- There was lint on my pants, Deb.

♪ ♪

[screams]

You have to help me.

It burns when I pee. - Ugh.

- My Nantucket clam feels like it's fire.

- Girl, you gotta leak after you freak.

You got UTI-ed, you slut.

- [gasps]

♪ ♪

- Mary Louise, keep your Friday night open

because I'm throwing you a bachelorette party!

Get ready, girl!

- Holy stripes, I'm so excited.

Where are we going? Give me a hint.

IHOP? Six Flags? Ooh!

The Chicago Architecture Foundation River Cruise?

Well, whatever it is, I couldn't be more excited.

- [chuckles]

Okay, Gordon, where the hell is your mom?

She's late. Again. [exhales]

I need to be hundo-p focused on this bachelorette party.

Mary Louise grew up thinking an Etch A Sketch was a computer,

so I've got to give her the most amazing night

her little naive self has ever seen.

- Did you know that scallops have up to 100 eyes

and they're usually all blue?

- Since school's over I can give you my honest answer.

No, and I don't care. [car honking]

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Trish. You can't keep doing this.

- Sorry... I had a pipe burst, and it went everywhere.

And as I was cleaning it up, the dog freakin' puked.

I think she must've drank some of that dookie water.

- You told that same story last time.

My job ends at 4:00, not 5:45.

You're not the only one with things to do around here.

- How late are you open?

- I'm not a business, Trish.

I'm a teacher.

♪ ♪

- Hello, Caroline.

So, your test came back,

and turns out you don't have a UTI.

- Great. - You have chlamydia.

- What? - A real bummer.

But I see this kind of gooey stuff all the time.

- Oh, my God. I can't believe this.

And did you really have to describe it as gooey?

- Sorry. I try to use layman's terms

when I'm talking to patients.

- I can't have chlamydia

- I know you probably feel a little awkward

because you think I'm looking at you like a prostitute,

but that's not the case.

I mean, yes, a lot of prostitutes

get venereal diseases, but you don't have to be one

to get one.

Anyway, I'm gonna write a script for some antibiotics,

and you can get right back to work.

Oh, I wasn't implying your work is how you got this.

I was talking about your other work.

Your real work, uh...

Your only work.

- Well, tonight you finally pick your bridesmaids.

- I know. Thanks for the ride.

- Are you ready?

- I don't know if I'm ready, Toby, but I'm excited.

- Well, it looks like the first Lyft is pulling up right now.

I'll leave you to it.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, there.

- This is for you.

It's a picture of us.

- Did one of your students draw this?

- No. I did.

See you inside.

- Hi.

- Here. It's a vial for you

to drink Hot Dad's blood from on your wedding day.

David and I did it on ours

and it was the most romantic thing we've ever done.

- [unsteadily] Thank you.

- Let's do the damn thing.

I'm feeling really good about my chances.

After all, I deserve this.

- I'm so excited you're all here,

and thank you so much for coming with me on this journey.

Cheers! all: Cheers!

- You might want to slow down there, Caroline.

- Mm.

- How long do you think this will take?

I have so much shit to do.

The bachelorette party's Friday, and I'm still working

on the cake, decorations, and trying to book

the tiny strippers. - Who are the tiny strippers?

- There a group of little person strippers

who have huge dongs.

I know. I thought the name was misleading too.

♪ ♪

[all gasp] - Girl.

That dress is GOAT.

- You look incredible. - Aw.

- Say yes to the dress, y'all!

[cackling] - Oh, my God, make it stop.

- Say yes to the dress, y'all!

[laughs] Look at us.

It's like "Bride Wars." Ooh!

Dibs on being Kate Hudson.

- Caroline is a mess.

I haven't seen someone get this hammered

since my sorority sister, Michelle, got trashed

on a pontoon party boat and drowned.

That was embarrassing.

- Oh, my God, you're wearing a headband just like me.

I love you! [liquid dripping]

[all gasping]

Oh, relax. It's clear.

- Caroline.

I think you've had enough.

- [snorts, crying] I'm sorry!

I just got some really bad health news today.

I haven't completely processed it yet.

- She always has to make it about her.

- Oh, my God, what is it? - Is it cancer?

- Oh, shit, is it cancer?

- Chlamydia. - Oh.

- When you've lived on a commune,

chlamydia's no big deal.

- It'll be fine. Chlamydia is treatable.

Almost every sexually active person

gets an STD at some point.

- My life is ruined.

- Okay, Caroline, cut it out.

This is Mary Louise's day, not yours.

Now let's get you home so you can throw back

some doxycycline and sleep this off.

- Okay, thanks.

I think my body's just really tired

from all the chlamydia.

- You wanna try on another dress?

[tense rattling]

[reflective music]

- Hey, Mary Louise, have you made any decisions

about your bridal party?

- No. I thought I was gonna pick Caroline,

but after the dress shop incident

I'm not so sure anymore.

- Whatever she did, I'm sure she was in the wrong.

- But Deb really surprised me.

I loved the way she took control.

- Well, I'm glad there was a silver lining.

To be honest, I don't know how I got sucked into all of this,

but I'm bored so...

- Girl. You were a mess yesterday.

How are you feeling?

- Well, the treatment is keeping my physical pain

at bay, but now I have to endure the emotional pain

of contacting all of my previous sexual partners.

- Why?

- Because it's the right thing to do.

The problem is I can't remember the names

of half the guys I've been with.

- Just check your phone. I'm sure you mercy entered

some of them in your contacts.

- You're right. There's Fuddruckers Frank.

Likes the Butt Bill.

Really Cute Dog Dave.

His adorable dog almost made up for his night terrors.

- If I were you, I'd keep it flirty.

This isn't necessarily good-bye.

- Hello, Frank? Hi, it's Caroline.

You may remember me from the bathroom at Fuddruckers

during biker week.

No, I don't have an eyebrow piercing.

Yes, I'm sure.

No, I did not show you my gun.

You have chlamydia, Frank.

♪ ♪

- Ugh, your mom's voicemail box is full.

- Oh, she does it on purpose.

She says it's supply and demand.

Makes her more wanted that way.

- That actually makes sense.

Okay, well since I'm stuck with you, you can help me

brainstorm Mary Louise's bachelorette hashtag.

It must be completely original. Puns and rhymes encouraged.

- Something like MarriedLouise.

- Impressive but it doesn't make me wanna go to the party.

Oh, and you want to make sure when you mash words together

that they don't make other words.

I'll never live down the time I started the ChrisSLovesAnaL.

Chris S loves Ana L.

You know what? Let's move on to venues.

- So the bridal shop was a total disaster.

I just haven't been myself ever since I found out

that chlamydia can spread to your eyes.

If I go blind and Chelsea can still see,

then there is no justice in the universe.

I have to do something drastic

if I'm ever going to get a robe.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Caroline? Is everything all right?

- I just couldn't wait until tomorrow.

I hope it's okay I came.

Here, I brought you these.

And this.

I'm sorry I got a little wackado at the dress shop.

I totally hijacked your day and that is not okay.

Will you forgive me? - Absolutely.

Do you... wanna come in?

- Can I?

Chosen over a twin.

♪ ♪

- What the fuck.

- Faster, Gordon. These goodie bags

needed to be ready hours ago.

Hey! I paid good money for those.

No eating the edible undies.

- There you are! I have been waiting outside for 15 minutes!

- Oh, I'm sorry. Did we inconvenience you?

Because you were supposed to pick your son up

three hours ago!

I am not here to babysit him for free.

- [crying] Okay, I'm sorry!

I'm just having a really hard time juggling everything.

Gordon's dad left us a year ago--I mean, died,

and now I'm working two jobs

in addition to being a single mom.

- I can relate.

I know what it's like to be on your own,

to never get any help, and to have to do whatever it takes

to get the job done but it's just never enough.

- Really?

- I'm planning a bachelorette party

all by myself.

I mean, what if she hates it?

- I used to own The Drunk Skunk in Cicero

before I had to burn it down for insurance money.

We had bachelorette parties come through all the time.

I've got a garage full of decorations.

- You have a garage full of penises?

No wonder you're always late. - Oh, oh!

Yes, queen. [both laugh]

Yeah, if you could watch Gordon every once and a while,

I could help you out with the party.

- Okay, deal.

- Gordon! What are you eating?

Those better not be my edible undies, young man!

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Cecelia.

This is for you. - [gasps]

"Cecelia, let's have lunch on the playground.

"It'll be a swinging good time.

Mary Louise."

- Yay! - So fun!

- I acted surprised, but I knew this was coming.

I scored an original vest from "The Partridge Family"

off eBay and gave it to her yesterday.

- Fuck!

- See my ring? - [gasps] Oh!

- I can't believe she's hanging out with Cecelia.

- I know, but we shouldn't talk bad about her.

We've become really good friends.

Three facts about Cecelia: she smells,

she has hairy armpits, and her personality sucks.

- Will you accept this robe? - [gasps] Yes!

- Oh, my God. - You gotta be kidding me.

- Oh, you look so beautiful in it!

- [squealing]

[tense music]

- So now there's only one robe left.

♪ ♪

- It's the day of my bachelorette party,

and I'm so grateful to have had this week

with these amazing women, and even though

I haven't decided who I'll choose

as my final bridesmaid, I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what they have planned for me.

It's sure to be a really classy night.

- Hey, girl! [giggles] - Hi!

- Okay, I am so sorry.

The baker refused to put pee-holes

in the penis cupcakes.

But the mechanical bull is all set up,

and there's a hairy balls piñata.

- Oh!

Swish, swish, Trish, you my bitch.

- I can't believe Cecelia's wearing that robe,

trying to rub it in our faces.

But joke's on her because she doesn't even look good in pink.

It's like, go ahead, saunter around,

but you look super washed out while you do it.

- Hey. [sighs] I'm totally freaking out.

I didn't think I'd get this invested,

but I've never been in a bridal party before.

And Mary Louise is so sweet.

She deserves a great wedding no matter what.

But I just was really hoping to be a part of it.

- Yeah. I mean, she and I have had our differences--

she wears socks with ballet flats like a toddler--

but she's been by my side through a lot.

I really hope I can stand up there with her.

- You know what?

I hope you get it. - No, I hope you get it.

I got your back, girl. - Thanks.

- [squealing]

- [blows whistle]

[both laughing] - Hey, girl.

Here is your crown. - [chuckling] Oh!

- Hey, can I steal you for a moment?

- Oh. Okay.

[dramatic music]

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Fuck! Fu--

- All right. - Oh, yeah. Whoo!

Trish, where did you get this guy?

- Oh. He's my cousin. Isn't he hot?

Yeah, good job, Billy. You got the moves.

- I just don't want my chlamydia-riddled body

to affect your big day.

But I actually think that if I'm chosen as a bridesmaid,

it could help me beat this.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, just being with you here,

I can feel myself healing

down there. - Sorry. Mary Louise.

I need to talk to you. - I just got here.

- She's lying to you. She just told me

that she hates that you dress like a toddler.

- What? - I never said the word "hate."

- Mm, I'm the only one here looking out for you.

She's not your real friend.

- Yes, she is, and so are you.

I'm here to spend time with the both of you.

- Oh, bullshit. We know there's only room for one of us

in your bridal party, so who are you gonna give it to?

Who gets the final robe? - Guys, mellow out.

Being in the bridal party isn't that big of a deal.

- You're just saying that because you're already in it,

you smug-ass hippie. - Yeah, shut up, Cecelia.

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!

- You guys are really missing out.

Trish and I are having a blast.

We're about to play Pin the Piercing on the Clit.

- [sobbing]

- This because I said "clit"? [sighs]

- [crying]

- Mary Louise. Please come out.

- I'm never coming out!

- Mary Louise. It's me.

[door unlocks]

- Hi, Chelsea. [breathes slowly]

I can't believe how selfish you guys are.

I'm such an idiot.

I thought you were all here for the right reasons,

but all you care about is competing

to be in my bridal party.

- I thought for sure this was because I said clit.

I still think it might have been because I said clit.

- I am so sorry, Mary Louise. - You're right.

We totally lost sight of what's important.

- This night should be about you.

- I just love you all so much.

That's why I'm having such a hard time picking bridesmaids.

- Don't even think about it. It doesn't matter.

- We're just excited about your big day.

- Okay. Thanks.

- Come on. We've got some hairy balls to smash!

[all squealing]

[rock music playing]

Go!

- Go, go, go! - Aw!

- Cheers. Mary Louise! - Get it, girl!

[cheering]

- I ate the balls.

- The balls is the best part.

- Yah! Charge - [yelling]

Do you have any strength in your body?

- Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

- Stop. That's not safe! - She can't breathe!

- Mary Louise! Let go of her!

- This is the best night ever with the best friends ever!

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Mary Louise, this is the final robe.

- It's been great spending time with you this week.

♪ ♪

And I really care about all of you.

♪ ♪

- Deb. - Oh, thank God!

[somber music]

- Deb. Will you accept this robe?

- Yes, of course! Thank you.

- Caroline. Can I walk you out?

Caroline, you're so special.

- Don't. - Please, let me finish.

This was a really hard decision.

But I'd still love for you to be part of my wedding.

As my personal attendant,

you'll be in charge of super important things

like seating guests on time and putting mints in the bathroom.

- So you want me to work the wedding

and give people mints after they've taken a dump?

You're making a big mistake.

But I'm not gonna cry.

[screams]

[rock music]

♪ La la, la la ♪

♪ La la, la la la ♪

♪ La la, la la la, la la ♪

♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪

♪ La la la, la la ♪

♪ I'll give you what you need ♪

♪ La la la, la la ♪

♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪

[snoring]

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