Original subtitles

LAINEY: The high school college fair,

the one event of the year that had kids looking to the future...

With complete terror.

A lot of kids couldn't handle it.

Please don't cry, Jimmy.

It's one rejection letter from one college.

And the parents were even worse.

[CRYING] But I wanted Lily to go to Cornell!

It was a tough job that no one understood more than Principal Glascott.

Hey there. How's the first week of the college fair going?

I had no idea it'd be this crazy.

Well, as principal, I'm here if you need me.

I appreciate that.

Oh, I was actually just gonna go to lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm no longer here as Principal.

Now I'm here as Uncle John to my niece Felicia.

'Sup?

[DOOR CLOSES] All right, let's get this over with.

I, uh, don't have anyplace to be,

but I already find all of this boring.

So much sass. It's infectious!

So, let's talk college. Okay.

Oh, B-plus average,

not bad, but I guess if there's something to focus on,

it'd be this...

This is blank. That's usually a list

of the student's extra-curriculars.

What can I say, I'm not a joiner.

Well, with a transcript like this

what colleges are on Felicia's list?

There's Prinson. Princeton?

That's a top school!

No, I said "Prinson." Right, Princeton.

No, there's no "ton." It's "son." Prinson.

That's very different. What else?

Harvert. Harvard!

Harvert. With a "T."

Gotta listen closely with these.

She'd likely get into Columbia...Sweet!

...Agricultural Institute of Guam.

Damn it! Oh, and also Northwestern...

Finish it. ...Montana Polytechnic.

Great. Sounds like I have lots of options.

So, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

It's only fourth period!

Wow, day got away from me!

Look, these initial meetings can rattle some folks.

CB, I'm the Principal of this school.

I totally get it. Good.

But as her de facto parent, this is a disaster.

Prinson?

My niece is headed to Prinson?

All right, Prinson!

I'm a Prinson grad. That school made me who I am.

Go Bucketmen! [LAUGHS]

♪ One of these days You're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪

LAINEY: It was February 20th, 1990-something,

and the wrestling team was pumped for Geology 101,

better known as Rocks for Jocks.

MR. SCUDAMORE: Gentlemen, these...

Are rocks.

And this is a...

Rock tumbler? Yes!

Very good, Ronnie.

It was a class for athletes to get an easy "A."

This time-honored tradition of giving jocks special treatment

had gone on for years until this happened.

[FABRIC STRETCHING] [STRAINING] My tie!

Where are all those poor dummies gonna get their easy "A" now?

I'm so glad you brought this up.

I want you to

"teach" an "academic"...

"course"... You mean Rocks for Jocks?

I never heard it referred to that way.

Wink. I loved that class.

I took it three times when I was a cheerleader.

Would you have any ethical issues with that?

None whatsoever.

If it's easy for the class, it's easy for me. I like easy.

I had a feeling you were the right choice for this.

Always happy to do less work.

With my insane full-time class schedule,

I was thrilled to get a break,

so a new easy-"A" class was born...

Musicology 101.

AKA Rock for Jocks.

ALL: ♪ All that glitters is gold

♪ Only shooting stars

♪ Break the mo-o-old ♪ [BELL RINGS]

Great sing-along today, guys.

Tomorrow, we're gonna dig in to Mambo No. 5.

I hear you're taking over for Mr. Scudamore.

Okay, don't panic. I'm not gonna get all "teacher-y"

and make these guys "work" for their "grades."

That's exactly what I want you to do!

What? "Rocks for Jocks"

has been a thorn in my side for years.

Yeah, but Earl Ball told me to...

This whole system of giving kids an easy "A" may work for him,

but I think these boys deserve better.

Well, I took the class, and I loved it.

Mmm.

You ever find yourself laying awake at night

staring at the ceiling, wondering,

"Is this all there is to life?"

And that maybe there's a well of greatness deep down inside of you,

that for whatever reason never got tapped?

And so that greatness will remain undiscovered.

All because this school robbed you of a challenge.

Okay! I'll teach the stupid class for real.

There she is!

While Coach was pumping me up, CB was trying to lay low.

CB, is everything okay?

Just trying to take a breather from those crazy parents.

[CHUCKLES] They are the worst, right?

Exactly.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So, about Felicia.

[SIGHS] Looking through her files,

I couldn't help but notice that there were

some pretty glaring omissions.

Like all of these awards she won.

"Cleanest Locker Award."

First recipient ever.

This one just says "Student."

Is she not?

The William Penn Purple Heart?

Wow, that's amazing!

You can't put these in her record.

Colleges will see right through those.[SIGHS]

When I saw her sad file, I panicked!

I just want the best for her, like Harvard or Yale.

Those schools only accept the most incredibly qualified applicants, like...

Gina Rivera.

She's valedictorian, captain of the dance team.

Not to mention, she's campaigning right now

for School President, third year in a row.

Got it. So I need to make Felicia

do more extra-curriculars.

I tend to discourage parents from forcing their children

into doing anything they don't want to do.

I hear you. It never helps when parents push too hard.

But I'm her uncle, so there are no rules!

[LAUGHS]

♪♪

You're gonna run for Class President.

What? No way.

But it would help you get into a good college.

And wouldn't it be fun to become part of your school community?

You really don't know what I'm about, do you?

Okay, but you're gonna be missing out

on some pretty sweet perks.

What perks? Um...

$8.

$8?

A day?

That's, like, $1,600 a year.

Wow, you added that up really fast.

Is it that much, though?I'm in.

Let's do this thing. Yeah, why wouldn't you?

I mean, $1,600 is an insane amount

to give a child [CHUCKLES]

but yeah! We're doing it!

♪ All that glitters is... ♪ All right, enough Smash Mouth.

[MUSIC TURNS OFF] Find your seats.

Time to learn. Learn what?

Music. From here on out,

this will be a real class with a syllabus,

required reading, and term papers.

Coach Mellor is gonna have a real issue with this.

Actually, it was his idea.

How are we supposed to get our easy "A" if it's not easy?

The whole team's gonna fail music,

get ruled ineligible, and not be able to wrestle.

Or you could actually learn and get your first real "A."

I believe in you boys! Believe in us less!

If you put your minds to it, you can do anything.

So, you believe I can be an astronaut and live on the moon?

Yes. I suppose you believe I could crush a mountain

with my bare hands? Yes!

Can I live forever? Do you believe I can do that?

Yes! I believe through dogged research,

you can discover the story of the Incan Elixir of life,

make plans to fly to Machu Picchu,

only to twist your ankle and end up in an emergency room,

where you meet a young and kindly nurse.

The two of you fall in love, marry, have children,

and come to discover that true immortality

is in the lessons we pass on to those who come after us.

Gah! So inspiring!

LAINEY: Clearly, Coach saw limitless potential in his athletes.

And John was starting to see exciting new things

for his niece. Here you go.

Oh, look at you, talking to kids who have actual futures.

Hey, one guy said he's in a club

where kids pretend to represent different countries.

And then they argue and debate and declare war.

Is that really a thing?

Yeah, it's called Model UN.

Is that something that interests you?Maybe.

Well, it's great you're even thinking about it.

Hey, would it be cool if later we worked on my speech together?

Work on your...

I'm gonna cry right here in this hallway, Felicia.

Please don't. Too late.

The tears are already coming.

I'm gonna go.

She wants my help.

Did you see Felicia?

For once she's passionate about something

that doesn't involve wine coolers or loud music!

Unlike Shania Twain, that do impress me much.

I really don't appreciate your taste in music.

So let's revisit her list of potential colleges?

Don't get so ahead of yourself.

Come on, she's already changing.

I just saw her talking to some Honor Society kids,

and not in a threatening way! [CHUCKLES]

All it took was a small bribe to get her on the right path.

Wait, you bribed her? Just $8 a day.

That's $1,600 a year.

How is everybody doing that math so fast?

I'm glad she's getting more involved,

but if we're gonna be honest,

she's not gonna win the election.

I don't want you to take this personally,

but you are the worst college advisor this school has ever had.

Gina's won twice before, and she churns out

professionally made posters at her dad's Kinko's.

The whole operation is a well-oiled machine.

Well, you know what Gina doesn't have?

Cool buttons!

What do kids love more than buttons?

So many things, John.

[TECHNOTRONIC'S PUMP UP THE JAMPLAYING IN DISTANCE]

DANCE SQUAD: [CHANTING] Vote Gina! Vote Gina!

Vote-vote! Vote Gina!

♪ And the jam is pumpin'

What is happening? What is this?

This is Gina's well-oiled machine.

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight

♪ Make my day

She's dancing with half the energy

but still manages to look like the coolest one!

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight

♪ Make my day ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you for your support!

And now, all the way from Veterans Stadium,

the Phillie Phanatic!

[APPLAUSE]

How is Felicia supposed to compete with that?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I am a huge fan.

I go to all the games just to watch you dance.

Can I have a hug?

Oh!

♪♪

So I just finished my speech

and I gotta say, this thing is awesome.

Can I read it to you?

Of course! But I-I just wanna say,

win or lose, you should be really proud of yourself.

Do you think I'm gonna lose?

No!

I mean, sure, Gina does have the endorsement

of the inexplicably charming Phillie Phanatic.

The Phillie Phanatic?

Look, kids don't care about a delightfully furry mascot

that brings laughter and joy to all.

They care about the issues.

See this is why it's better not to try stuff and take chances.

You just get your heart broken!

That's it, I'm dropping out!

No, wait!

Okay, look, here's the thing

I'm not supposed to say, but...

You're gonna win. What?

I had the homeroom teachers do an informal poll.

The polls say you're way ahead.

Really? 'Cause it sounded like

you were trying to let me down easy.

[LAUGHS]

It was a confusing exchange, I know.

But you'll stay in the race?

Absolutely. That's my girl.

You know, a-at first,

I was doing this because I wanted the money.

But now I want to win.

And I think I can!

And you're the one who got me to believe that.

Oh, look at you, hugging me.

Because you're grateful.

For what I've done...

LAINEY: Despite the jocks' complaints,

Coach wasn't gonna let them get their easy "A," and he was pumped to have me on board.

The days of a free pass are over

and it's all because of you, Lainey Lewis.

You're pushing my boys to do the hard work necessary to succeed.

Yeah, except they're not succeeding.

I just gave them a simple quiz on the history of music.

Look at these answers. "Who is Beethoven? A big slobbery dog."

Technically true...

"What is R&B? Rompin' and bompin'."

"Who is the King of Rock & Roll?"

Wait for it... "Smash Mouth."

Okay, look, all these guys need

is time and more of your good teaching.

No, what they need is an easy "A" to balance out all their bad grades

so they can make it through school.

Damn it, don't you understand? That's the whole corrupt system I'm trying to change!

They're here because they're good wrestlers,

not because they're good students.

But that doesn't mean they can't get better.

You keep trying to make them something they're not.

I'm going back to teaching Rock for Jocks.

I'm not gonna be the one who fails these guys and ruins their season.

By not failing them, you are failing them!

No, by not failing them, I'm not failing them!And that's failing them!

Well, I'd rather fail them by not failing them

than fail them by really failing them!

Oh, you wish it was that simple!

LAINEY: So I gave up on trying to teach Coach's wrestlers.

But Rick Mellor never gave up.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] All right, let's play some basketball.

Let's break up into teams.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Except the wrestlers.

You guys are gonna do something a little bit different today.

Lift weights? No.

Climb ropes? No.

Don't try to guess. Uh, four square.

No, you won't guess it. Uh, lift weights.

You already guessed that. Badminton.

It's much easier if you let me tell you what it is.

Play basketball. That's specifically what I said

we won't be doing. Now stop it.

Your assignment today is to provide

an in-depth interpretation of a piece of classical music.

Since Ms. Lewis won't assign it to you in her class,

I'm assigning it to you in my class.

Due tomorrow.

You can't assign us regular work in a gym class!

Well, if you don't do it, you'll fail.

Oh, and, uh, I still believe in you.

♪♪

LAINEY: Coach may have come down hard on his guys,

but Glascott was softening up his niece's rival.

Is everything okay, Principal Glascott?

Stop looking for parking.

You have a new personal parking spot

right here in front of the school.

Really? You bet.

Because you've been chosen to be...

The Principal's Executive Intern!

I've never heard of that. That's because it's only awarded

when someone is truly deserving.

Now pull that baby in so I can introduce you

to the world of perks that await!

♪♪

May I present you your own private bathroom!

Seriously? Absolutely.

But if a disabled student or teacher needs to use it,

please give them first preference.

I'm not sure what to say!

Nothing else to say!

Oh, one minor detail.

School rules stipulate you can only hold one executive position at a time,

so you'll need to drop out of the presidential race.

Congrats again! Bye now!

Whoa, you're trying to bribe me into dropping out of the race

so your niece can run unopposed!

Did I not tell you about the handrails in there?

They help steady you when you're on the toilet.

I know a bribe when I see one.

My parents bribe me to do stuff all the time.

How do you think I'm driving around in a Benz?

It is a preposterous car for a teenager.

Absolutely.

And you know what?

I'm into this.

I'll take your payoff.

After all, I've already been President twice,

and I'm early acceptance to Yale.

And now I have this over you.

Everybody wins!

Politics!

[MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Mother of... [CD PLAYER THUDS]

[CLEARS THROAT] What do you want?

Coach told us we had to do a presentation about classical music.

We need your help! No, no, no, no, no.

I am not getting involved. If you won't help us,

we'll have to try to do it ourselves!

No!

You will not learn in my class! Not today, not ever!

I love what I'm hearing!

What are we gonna do?

Why does Coach have to believe in us so much?

Yeah, doesn't he get that we're dummies?

You're not dummies.

You know as well as we do why we're at this school.

'Cause we do sports.

Come on, that's not true.

A smart jock once told me that you should take every opportunity

to face a challenge and prove what you're made of.

Coach Mellor doesn't just hand out "I believe in yous."

That means he really sees some potential in you guys.

So let's prove him right. What's the assignment?

An in-depth interpretation of a piece of classical music.

Due tomorrow.

Ah!

Okay, let's do it. Take a seat.

[WHISTLING]

Hey, John, you got a sec?

Of course, CB.

[WHISTLING]

GLASCOTT: Hey, there's my intern

with someone I hope is not her father.

This is Gina's father. [BLEEP]

Mr. Rivera has voiced concerns

about Gina dropping out of the race,

apparently at your urging.

How dare you bribe my daughter?

It wasn't a bribe, per se.

It was just a secret offer of perks

in exchange for her dropping out of the race.

That's bribing. Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

The only reason I offered her the bribe was because

I have this huge surplus in my copier budget,

and I don't know what to do with the giant pile of money.

John, don't. Say, you own a Kinko's,

do you not, sir? Stop right there.

You got a deal. CB: Okay, enough.

We cannot let bribery and self-interest

corrupt the world of politics!

Okay, I'm out of control.

There's just so much pressure on kids these days.

And I wanted Felicia to get into a good school, like Gina.

I never should have bribed Gina or anyone.

I was just afraid that Felicia could never win on her own.

Wow.

Felicia?

I forgot to mention that Felicia was coming to the meeting, too.

Wait, I can explain.

Great, go ahead. Um...

That's what I thought. I just need a second!

I didn't expect you to turn around so fast!

You know, you're always pushing me to reach higher,

and I always resisted because I never believed in myself.

But the truth is,

you don't believe in me either.

♪♪

LAINEY: It was time for the jocks to turn in their assignment,

and Coach Mellor was psyched to see if they rose to the challenge.

All right, boys. Time to put the "student" in "student-athlete."

Let's see your presentation.

Well, well, well, looks like somebody helped my boys after all.

All I can say is I tried.

Today we will be interpreting for you Smash Mouth's All Star,

a song that everyone knows is totally classic!

♪ Somebody once told me ♪ Whoa! This is not what I assigned.

Coach, just give them a chance. It's music. There are no rules.

Fine. Given the fact you only had 24 hours,

I will allow it, but it better be good.

You might think this song is just a super dope party jam,

but its lyrics have a lot to say.

"The years start coming and they don't stop coming."

That means the years... AKA time.

Start coming. AKA you're born.

And they don't stop coming. AKA you get older.

What Smash Mouth is trying to say here

is that it's important to cherish the precious time we have

before the years totally stop coming.

AKA you dead.

A reminder of the fleeting nature of human existence.

Remind me to give my brother a call after this.

"Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb."

As you evolve intellectually,

you may un-evolve emotionally.

Wow, that's deep.

I like this side of you, Weasel.

And in conclusion, "All that glitters is gold.

"Only shooting stars break the mold."

"Only shooting stars break the mold"

means if you give it your all,

you may be surprised where it takes you.

[LAUGHS]

Well, as far as academic presentations go,

this was unconventional,

but it had a very unique point of view.

And the guys put in so much work.

I could tell.

You know, boys, in life you will be faced with many challenges.

Some small, some great.

But if you apply yourself,

if you give it everything you've got,

then no matter what the outcome, you can hold your head high.

Congratulations, men.

You get an "A" in gym,

but, more importantly,

you'll get an "A" in life!

♪ Hey, now, you're an all star

It looks like no more Rocks for Jocks for you, either.

I'm glad you finally convinced me to give up the easy "A."

Maybe if I had done that back in the day,

I could've achieved my full potential.

I think you're well on your way, Lainey Lewis.

Thanks, Coach.

Thank you.

♪ It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder

♪ You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older

♪ But the meteor men beg to differ

So,

the votes have been counted, and it was very close.

Gina, you are once again school President.

[EXHALES SHARPLY, GIGGLES]

Congratulations.

You really do know how to run a terrifyingly good campaign.

Thanks! [LAUGHS]

You okay?

I really wanted to win, but I'm okay.

You're doing better than your uncle.

I told him that you lost and he started to cry.

Let him cry.

He really did go a little far trying to win this thing for you.

He took a bathroom away from handicapped kids.

Your uncle is the most honest person I've ever known.

That he was willing to bribe so many people to help you,

it just proves how much he cares about you.

I guess. And running for office,

meeting new kids, signing up for Model UN,

would you have done any of that stuff

if your uncle didn't believe in you in the first place?

♪♪

Felicia? What's this?

The list of my extra-curriculars.

Model UN? That's great.

Yeah, I guess I'm a joiner now.

I'm so sorry I got carried away.

I know it was just because you love me.

I really do.

I guess that can make me as crazy as any parent

or Principal-Uncle at this school.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

LAINEY: Sometimes, believing in ourselves isn't always easy.

♪ Hey, now, you're an all star ♪

We need a boost from the people who care for us to reach our full potential.

And that's what teachers do.

They show us that when we take a chance and push ourselves,

when we really go for it,

we learn we can overcome any obstacle in life

and achieve amazing things.

I'm here with the, uh, real Coach Mellor.

First question is, well, you coached for 43 years.

Yes, yeah, I did. Still coaching now.Still coaching.

Did you ever wear shorts that were this short?

They're a little long for me, to tell you the truth.

Is that right? They're a little long?

Were there any easy-"A" classes

at William Penn Academy back in the day?

Yes, mine.

Really? [LAUGHS]

If they participated and tried, they got an "A."

Participation and trying, I wish that worked in Hollywood.

What is the one thing kids could never get away with?

Cutting a class, 'cause I was a student there

and I knew all the hiding places.

You know, what would you say

is the hardest thing about being a teacher?

Trying to be fair to all the kids,

keeping everybody involved, and letting the kids know

that they can succeed in whatever they do.

Do you think that I portray you unfairly?

That's a tough question. [BOTH LAUGH]

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