Original subtitles

[ ]

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[PLAYING SCOTTISH SONG]

[ ]

TABITHA: Esmeralda, postcards from Mommy.

SAMANTHA: Dear Tabitha and Adam,

this is a view of Loch Ness.

It's a large lake, fed by the river Ness.

"Loch" is the Scottish word for lake.

I knew that.

You did not.

SAMANTHA: This is the home of the famous.

Loch Ness monster,

but more about him later.

The lake is near a town called Inverness,

which is in Scotland.

We're here visiting a cousin of your daddy's.

His name is Robbie and he owns a small hotel.

That's where we're staying.

[WHISTLING]

Oh, oh.

That's all for now. Love from us both.

[CLINKING]

Ah.

[WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT] Some have meat That cannot eat.

And some would eat That want it.

But we have meat And we can eat.

And say "The Lord be thankit".

Time to feed the inner man, eh?

The inner woman is starving too.

You've got a bonnie wee witch there,

Cousin Darrin, have you not?

Close enough, Cousin Robbie.

The salmon looks delicious.

Very expensive too, I might add.

If I was charging you for that,

you'd be paying a pretty penny for it,

you can be sure.

Business has been very, very bad.

Why is that?

Well, you've no doubt heard of the Loch Ness monster.

He's the only tourist attraction we have around here

and he's been a wee bit shy these past few years.

With no monster, Loch Ness is just another loch.

Robbie, has it ever occurred to you

that the reason he's been shy

is that there is no Loch Ness monster?

Nay monster?

It's that kind of propaganda

that keeps the tourists away, laddie.

Fact is I've seen the beastie with my very own eyes

and fearfully too.

[ROARING]

[PANTING]

Robbie. Robbie.

Darrin, get... Get some water.

Darrin?

[ ]

Oh, my stars.

[ROARING]

Bruce.

Get back in the water.

You're making a spectacle of yourself.

[ROARING]

I don't know where Serena is.

Now, get lost.

[ ]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ ]

Darrin.

Darrin.

Robbie?

Robbie.

What...? Happened?

You both fainted.

Are you sure of that, now?

Sometimes I doze off very, very quickly

and it looks like I fainted.

No. You saw...

Okay.

I saw the monster and I fainted.

Did you see him? Did you see him?

Yes. Cute, isn't he?

I gotta spread the news.

The monster's back! The monster's back!

[ ]

I don't know which was more shocking:

Seeing that monster yesterday,

or having Robbie treat us

to a champagne dinner last night.

Which, if you'd have had to pay, [HORN HONKS]

Would have cost you a pretty penny.

What do you suppose that is?

[ ]

Looks like a mini-submarine.

A mini-sub with a maxi-captain.

Why don't we go down to breakfast

and find out what it's all about?

It's a braw, bricht day.

Good morning to you both.

Morning, Robbie. Morning, Robbie.

Baron, Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

The Baron von Fuchs.

He's here with his submarine

to take underwater photographs of the monster.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[ANSWERING IN GERMAN]

[WITH GERMAN ACCENT] The innkeeper tells me

you were this close to the monster.

DARRIN: That's right.

In that case, I will join you.

I would like to interrogate...

Uh.

Ask you some questions.

What does the monster look like?

Height, weight,

color of eyes, complexion?

Any distinguishing characteristics?

How is he armed?

I thought you were here

to take photographs of the monster.

That is only my cover.

Actually, Boyd's of London Insurance Company

has a $3 million reward for his capture.

And it would give me great pleasure

to take money from the English.

Well, good luck.

But luck has nothing to do with this.

What has to do with this is strategy,

a trained regiment...

A crew and our secret weapon.

You mean the submarine?

This is only part of the equipment.

We do it with laser beams.

We divert the monster from the front

outflank him from the side

and with our electronical laser beam

we give him a good shot in the rear.

He will be stunned into submission.

Excuse me.

Uh, is there any danger?

To the crew, no. To the monster, maybe.

You mean, there's a chance

he might be stunned into extinction.

What has the monster got to worry?

He can only lose his life.

I could lose $3 million.

I've just lost my appetite.

Excuse me.

Okay, Sam, what's wrong?

I just found the baron very questionable.

Oh, come on, Sam. He's a joke.

He's a monster-killer, that's what he is.

Uh, sweetheart, I have a little headache

and I think I'd like to lie down.

Why don't you go for a hike in the heather?

I'm not in a heather-hiking mood.

The truth is gonna come as a shock to you.

Try me.

The monster is not a monster.

You're right. It comes as a shock to me.

His name is Bruce.

He's a warlock

friend of Serena's from way back.

He adored her.

He was a sick warlock.

Well, she tried to maintain a...

She tried to maintain

a brother-sister relationship with him,

but he turned into one of those pests.

He kept hounding her, day and night.

And?

Well, as she put it,

if he was going to behave like a monster

he might as well look like one.

So she turned him into a monster.

She turned him into a monster.

Serena's the only one who can change him back.

Got to try and reach her.

I wish I'd taken that hike.

North, south, West and east.

SOS For the Loch Ness beast.

This, Serena Is a subpoena.

Well, you certainly picked a rotten time.

Hi there, tall, dark and nothing.

I was in the middle

of an archeological expedition

with the maharajah of Indipoor.

We were digging for diamonds in his vault. Ha-ha-ha.

I'll send you back

as soon as you take care of Bruce.

Bruce who?

Serena, you're in the town of Inverness

on Loch Ness.

Bruce.

The ding-a-ling. How is the little monster?

Well, he's in danger of being captured.

Who'd want him? Or being killed.

That I can understand.

He was never that much of a pest.

Change him back.

Oh, very well.

I'll go down and take a walk on the lake.

I'll go with you, just to make sure you do it.

Whoa, nobody is going lake-walking while I'm around.

We'll take a boat. Poop.

Far enough, gondolier.

Okay, get going, Serena,

and don't waste any time down there.

[LAUGHS]

Are you kidding?

I want to get back to my diamond-digging

as quickly as possible.

[ ]

Bruce.

Bruce.

Bruce.

Heigh-ho, Brucey.

[GRUNTS]

You really should see a skin doctor.

Oh.

Groovy little undersea pad you have here.

[GRUNTS]

Excuse me while I dry off.

[ ]

There, that's better.

[GRUNTS]

No, thank you.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Really, Brucey.

I just have to do what I came to do

and then buzz off.

[GRUNTS]

Well, the scuttlebutt is

you're in danger of being captured.

Sammy thinks you should split this neighborhood.

The decision's up to you. Yes or no?

[GRUNTS]

Then here goes.

Oh, it's so corny, I could die.

Monster, monster of the deep Look into my eyes...

[ ]

And sleep.

When you awake At the count of three.

The warlock, Bruce Again you'll be.

One, two, three.

Oh. Oh.

Hands.

Shoes.

Oh-h-h.

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

You botched it.

I wasn't always this short.

Well, you haven't changed. You're still a whiner.

Eh.

How do you like it?

How'd you get all this stuff down here?

I have a little witch in the neighborhood

who happens to care a great deal about me.

Oh.

How is your mother?

[CHUCKLES]

I love when you insult me.

It's like old times again.

Can I offer you a little drink?

No.

Just say, "Thank you, Serena,"

and I will be on my way.

I'm not gonna say thank you

until you have one drink with me.

Uh, aren't you gonna ask

how I've been doing down here?

How have you been doing down here, Bruce?

Beautiful. I was taking a medical course

and in a year from now,

I would have become a sturgeon.

[CHUCKLES]

I was just taking the course for the halibut.

One more joke like that

and I'll see that you finish the course.

So be it.

A toast.

I've been rehearsing this for years.

Witch Serena Fair and sweet.

Oh, ha-ha, true.

I knew that once again We'd meet.

And I'd no longer Weep and wail.

Because my darling Has a tail

[SCREAMING]

You double-crosser.

Ta-ta. I'm off to find a... A short girl

at the Warlock Club party for singles over 2100.

Oh, oh.

Fink!

What's keeping her, Sam?

Maybe I ought to go below and investigate.

Absolutely not.

She's probably down there

comparing notes with a man-eating shark.

SERENA: Ship, ahoy!

There she is.

[ ]

I got to admit, she swims like a fish.

SAMANTHA: Come on, Darrin, pull.

Pull. I can't.

Kick your feet.

SERENA: Don't touch me. Ow.

What's the matter,

haven't you ever seen a mermaid before?

Yes, but only on a can of tuna.

[ ]

Talk about holding a grudge.

Oh, never mind, Serena, relax.

We'll think of something.

You already thought of something.

Look at me.

Oh, I was doing so well with my tap-dancing lessons.

Now what? Get me back to the inn

and into a warm tub.

To the inn?

We can't take you back there in your condition.

Well, what else can we do?

Throw her back in the lake?

Well...

You wait till I get my powers back, buster.

I was just trying to be helpful.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

No one will see us go back to the inn.

I'll just zap us to our room.

Don't touch.

[WHINING]

Serena, will you please cover up?

What's to cover up anymore?

If you don't mind.

Serena, try to remember Bruce's spell.

Maybe I can reverse it.

Well, it went something like:

Witch Serena Sweet and frail.

I'd like to grab you By the...

Oh, no. That's not it. It's no use.

Why don't we have her filleted

and fried and put out of her misery?

That's two funnies I owe you.

Sweetheart, why don't you go down to the bar and relax?

We'll work this out.

That's the best suggestion I've heard so far.

Okay, time's a-wasting.

We've got to get Bruce back.

He's the only one who can help you.

And he's the only one who won't.

Well, we have to try.

Where did he say he was?

He said he'd be at the Warlock Club,

a party for singles over 2100.

Let's see.

That's 36.6 degrees north by northwest

on the cosmic continuum.

Warlock Bruce Of Loch Ness fame...

Sammy.

If I hear another incantation,

I'm going to be sick.

Just turn on the power and get him here.

You're right.

You realize that you zapped me out

of the semifinals of the tango contest?

I could have won. I have a lovely dip.

Don't mention dip to me.

You poor dear.

Oh, you should be back in the lake.

Your scales are shedding.

And as for you, Samantha,

I'm gonna report you to the Witches Council

for the illegal use of teleportation spells.

Oh?

Well, how about your good deed for the day?

BRUCE: That's perfectly legal under the Laws of Revenge,

article 33 B.

Well, how about the Law of Mercy?

You said the magic word. "Mercy."

I mean, why not?

We're grown-up, decent witches and warlocks.

Mercy it is.

Let's see, I was a monster for 40 years.

Forty years from now, I'll be merciful,

but until then, happy swimming, little mermaid.

I told you he was a first-class stinker.

Mother always said forgive and forget.

Never liked Mother.

Sam, Robbie's on his way...

Serena, will you cover up your tail?

Uh, Darrin, this is Bruce.

Bruce, this is my husband, Darrin.

Bruce the monster?

Eh, the former monster. Want my autograph?

I'd love it, but later.

Sam, we've gotta clear the area.

Robbie's on his way up and he...

He's here now, Darrin. Hi, Samantha.

Are you feeling any better, lassie?

Miracles.

Europa Travel just called

and booked the inn for a whole year.

Solid and glory be.

A television network is sending a special crew

to televise the monster in action via Telstar.

Telstar? Huh. Imagine that.

Hurry. Hurry now. Hurry.

Oh, well. I'll be getting back to my dance.

Poor Robbie. He's in for an awful letdown.

Not necessarily.

Samantha, I'm... I'm waiting.

I suppose the public would be satisfied with a mermaid.

There's no substitute for the Loch Ness monster.

Let's get at it, Samantha. Back to my dance.

Introducing, for the first time in any loch,

Serena, the mermaid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good thinking, Sammy.

Hold it. What do you mean, "Serena the mermaid"?

Are you suggesting that a... A mermaid can replace me?

I'll work up an act. I can swim.

I can sit on the rocks and sing the song of Lorelei.

Ooh-ooh-ooh

And for an encore,

I can mess around with the fishermen.

[GIGGLING]

Top that, you silly little beast.

Hey, Serena, I didn't realize you could do all that.

[GIGGLES]

I may even take over your little underwater pad.

My place, huh?

Jacques Cousteau could drop in anytime.

Hold it a minute.

The truth is I've always been a bust as a warlock.

You're right, Serena,

I'm too short.

I've got a rotten personality.

I'm a pest.

But in that lake, I'm a star.

He has a point.

The little twerp.

That's me, a little twerp.

I'd rather be a big monster.

But what about the baron?

Oh, I can take care of him.

Send me back, Serena, please.

How can I, in my condition?

Oh. Sorry.

And now:

[ROARS]

Your turn.

My pleasure.

And I hope the German gets you.

[ ]

[ ]

Well, sweetheart, you gonna miss all this?

Like I'm gonna miss earthquakes and tidal waves.

[ ]

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

At ease. Oh, well, thank you.

Uh, where have you been, baron?

In great danger at the bottom of the lake.

That's where I've been.

Look what that crazy monster did to me.

How did that happen? I was in my little submarine

minding my own business, on a search-and-destroy mission,

when he attacked me from the rear.

Two bites and no more submarine.

He ate it like it was a piece of mackerel,

but how I escaped, Himmler only knows.

I'm getting out of here.

Boyd's of London,

you can take the $3 million in $1 bills and:

[SHOUTS IN GERMAN]

Wow.

Well, at least we know Bruce can take care of himself.

Yeah, we'd better get back to the inn and pack.

[BRUCE ROARING]

Oh, hi, Brucey.

[ROARS]

Really?

[SNARLS]

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

[ROARS]

Why, yeah, sure, right away.

[ROARS]

You're welcome. [ROARS]

Well, what does he want?

Well, it-it seems the submarine didn't agree with him.

He wants me to get him a case of bicarbonate.

[GIGGLES]

[ ]

[ ]

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