Original subtitles

[ ]

Ah, it's time to round up the kids and go shopping.

You sure you don't want to come with us?

I'm sure I do want to come with you,

but I promised Larry I'd spend

part of this weekend trying to come up with

a campaign for the Cushman Cosmetic account.

Okay, sweetheart. We'll be home early.

Well, if it isn't the odd couple,

as I live and breathe.

Serena, those are your two worst habits.

Oh, Sammy, you married beneath you.

What's that?

It's a present for tall, dark and dull.

It's a peace offering.

A peace offering?

Yes.

When the planet Icarus passes between Venus and Jupiter,

it stills the winds of adversity within me,

and I become a veritable sea of tranquility.

Huh?

I've decided to bury the hatchet.

Yeah? Where?

Have you ever thought of giving lessons in graciousness?

Darrin, Serena wants to make peace,

so don't fight it.

Okay.

Thank you, Serena.

Oh. Oh, Sammy,

this really does make me feel good.

I mean, after all,

if you have to be saddled with a mortal,

he's as good as any.

Thanks a lot.

[ ]

Wow.

A portable television set.

[SERENA GIGGLES]

That's very nice of you, Serena.

Oh, that's okay. Turn it on.

Where do I plug it in?

Just turn it on, ding-a-ling.

Try Channel 13.

Thirteen?

Yeah. That's the weather report.

The weather tomorrow will be heavy snow

all along the eastern seaboard.

That's ridiculous.

There's not a cloud in the sky, and it's 75 degrees outside.

[GIGGLES]

Don't argue with him.

That's the only weather report you can really count on.

DARRIN: Oh? SERENA: Because

he is the weather man.

[LAUGHS]

Uh-oh.

Sam, would you kindly tell your cousin

that I don't want anything that she's conjured up

out of bats' wings and eels' eyes.

Bats' wings?

Eels' eyes?

Sammy,

how would you like to be married to a 170-pound artichoke?

Serena, please.

Okay, Sammy. Okay.

Satisfied?

Thank you.

Now, Sam, would you ask her to leave

before I say something I won't regret?

I think I better leave

before I do something I won't regret.

Uh-oh. I-I've never seen Serena so mad.

She'll get over it.

Well, I just hope I don't get home today

and find I'm married to a 170-pound artichoke.

[ ]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ ]

[ ]

[ ]

[ADAM WHINING]

Oh, yeah, we'll be back in a minute.

Here we go.

[ ]

Forgot my keys. Dumb, huh?

No, here. Here, I got mine.

No, I... Th-That's okay. I found them.

They were on the hall table. Mm.

[ ]

Sweetheart?

Hm?

You know, Serena really meant to be nice

when she gave you that gift.

Uh, people give the way they know how, and Serena...

Never mind, Sam.

Now, you know how I feel about that stuff.

I know.

But Serena's really so sweet, a-and she means well.

Well, maybe she is, um, a little stubborn, but...

"Rotten" is the word.

Darrin, try and be nice.

That was the nicest word I could think of.

Okay, buster. That does it.

Serena, that's unfair. That's entrapment.

Okay. I'm willing to forget about what you said

if you will accept my gift.

You may not understand this,

but I have too much pride to accept your witchcraft.

Ding-dong, you have all the gentility, graciousness

and gratitude of a gorilla,

which is what you are about to become.

[GRUNTING, SCREECHING]

[LAUGHING]

Ask and you shall receive, you big ape.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTING]

Abner, did you hear that?

No.

It sounded like a wild animal.

Gladys, get away from the window.

Why?

Because you might get attacked.

By the animal?

No, by me.

[GRUNTING]

I think I'll go over to the Stephens'

and borrow some sugar,

and find out what's going on.

[ ]

[GRUNTING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SCREAMING]

Abner, Abner, you're not gonna believe this.

They wouldn't lend you a cup of sugar?

Some neighbors.

Some neighbors? We may not have any neighbors.

There's a gorilla in the Stephens' living room.

Are you sure you weren't borrowing

something stronger than sugar?

[GRUNTING]

Hi, there.

[GRUNTING]

That's right. It's good old reliable Serena.

Friend to man and beast.

[ROARING]

Now tell me you didn't hear that.

You think it's one of their kids?

Whatever it is, it's none of your business.

Come on, Abner. We might be saving a life.

Come on!

[ ]

[GRUNTING]

Okay, okay. Relax. Monkeyshines are almost over.

Come on.

[GRUNTING]

There's the gorilla, Abner,

right in the middle of the living room.

Take a look.

Do I have to?

Thanks. From the bottom of my paws.

Don't mention it.

Go on, Abner. Take a look.

Then tell me who's crazy.

On those terms, I'll take a look.

If that's a gorilla, I'm King Kong.

And now we know who's crazy.

But, but... But, but... But, but...

Gladys, if you don't mind,

I'm going back to my crossword puzzle.

[ ]

[GRUNTS]

Serena, will you stop bugging me?

I'm sorry. But I forgot something.

What?

I forgot to get your apology.

Apology? After what you've done to me?

Serena, you're suffering from a cracked cauldron.

[GASPS]

Mortals do not talk to me that way, ding-dong.

It takes a beast to say things like that,

and that is what you are, a beast.

[SPUTTERS]

[GRUNTING]

Abner, Abner, I saw the gorilla again!

I-I mean something terrible has happened.

First I saw Mr. Stephens, then I heard a scream,

then I looked in the other room,

and I saw the gorilla.

That gorilla must have eaten Mr. Stephens.

Hello, operator?

Get me the corpse... I mean, the cops.

[ ]

You the lady who called about the gorilla?

I sure am. I saw it with my own eyes.

Well, don't worry, the law is here.

Just tell it like it is.

Well, first I saw a gorilla in the Stephens' living room,

then I saw Mr. Stephens.

Then when I looked again, all I saw was the gorilla.

For all I know, he might have eaten Mr. Stephens.

Now take it easy, Mrs., uh...

Uh, "Kravitz."

K-R-A-V... Let's take a look inside.

I-T-Z.

And he's got a wife and two children.

The gorilla?

No. Mr. Stephens.

Don't shoot. Let me think.

[WHOOPING]

I've finishing thinking. We need help.

Headquarters,

we have a gorilla in a residence

at 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

You've got a problem, all right.

What have you been taking on your coffee break?

[GORILLA GRUNTING ON PHONE]

Okay, I'll, uh, send out a missing gorilla report

and call Animal Regulations.

You need any help?

No, sir. We're in charge here.

[ ]

[RINGING]

Johnson's Jungle Isle.

Police?

We ain't in.

I think we are, Alex.

Yes, sergeant. A missing gorilla?

Let me look.

Tillie ain't missing, is she?

She's missing a mate is all. Why?

The cops have got a gorilla in some guy's house.

Yes, sir, this is one of the Johnson brothers.

You got a gorilla?

What kind? I mean, uh, is it a male or a female?

From the scream I heard, it's no lady.

That's our gorilla, all right.

Give me the address.

We'll go by and pick him up.

It's 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

Thank you, officer.

Whoever that gorilla is

is the answer to Tillie's prayers.

And now we get maybe, uh, three, four little gorillas.

[ ]

How did the gorilla get into a nice neighborhood like this?

I don't know, but he probably ate the whole Stephens family.

Madam, Johnson Brothers gorillas are vegetarian.

Let's have a look.

[GRUNTING]

That's him, all right.

You folks stand back.

Ooh, you're not gonna kill the poor thing?

This is a tranquilizer gun. It'll only knock him out.

[WHIMPERING]

I think he heard me.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

If we can get this door open,

we won't have to do any shooting.

Stand aside while I do my specialty.

[ ]

[GLADYS GASPS]

Tillie's really gonna be happy.

Who's Tillie?

Tillie's a lady gorilla, and she's awful lonesome.

[ ]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Well, you can relax now, Mrs., uh...

Kravitz.

Well, the house is empty, and there's no damage.

But that's impossible.

I saw Mr. Stephens in the den,

and then I saw the gorilla.

Well, he must have gone out the back way, Mrs. Kravitz.

We checked the den.

There's no sign of a struggle, and everything's in order.

Oh.

[ ]

Here you go. In you go.

Alrighty.

Adam, sweetheart,

you've been a very, very good boy today.

Why don't you take him upstairs,

get him ready for his nap, and I'll be up in a minute.

It's been a long day, okay?

Okay, Mommy. Okay.

[ ]

Sweetheart, I'm home.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I came to tell you about the gorilla.

Gorilla?

Well, there was this gorilla in your house,

and I called the police, and they came right away.

And then these men came from the jungle place...

What people? What jungle place?

Johnson's Jungle Isle.

They were the ones that were missing the gorilla.

But he's safe now.

Oh. Well, uh, yeah.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Kravitz.

Thank you very much.

Are you sure Mr. Stephens is all right?

Yes. He's fi... Thank you.

Serena? Serena!

If you don't appear in two seconds,

I'm bringing charges before the Royal Witches' Council.

"Royal Council adjourned

until after royal hunt of the gorilla."

Oh!

[ ]

[ ]

Aunt Hagatha? Aunt Hagatha?

Yes?

Oh. Hi, Aunt Hagatha.

C-Could you stay with the kids for a while?

[SIGHS]

This is most inconvenient, Samantha.

You're taking me away from

the maharaja of Janipur's polo match.

Polo match? How come you're so dressed up?

It's a private polo match in the maharajah's living room.

Oh. Well, Tabitha's upstairs

helping Adam get ready for his nap.

Uh, she may need a little help. I won't be long. Bye-bye.

[GORILLA GRUNTING]

He don't seem to go too much for Tillie.

ALEX: Would you feel romantic with two mugs like us looking on?

You're right. Let's leave the lovebirds to themselves.

Yeah.

[ ]

Darrin? Darrin, is... Is that you?

[GRUNTING]

Now, listen carefully.

If that really is you, raise your right hand.

I-I mean, your right paw.

Oh. Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

B-But I can't change you back till I find Serena.

But I can send you home.

[GRUNTING]

Tillie, leave him alone.

I speak the truth Witch's honor.

Get Darrin home Or he's a goner

[WHOOPING]

Sorry about that.

Yoo-hoo, Aunt Hagatha, I-I'm back. You can leave now.

[DARRIN GRUNTING]

Oh. Oh, sweetheart,

I know it was a terrible thing that Serena did,

and, well, what can I say, except...

Serena, I swear I'll put you into orbit

for a thousand years.

And I have friends in very high places.

[GRUNTING]

Shh-shh. I know, sweetheart.

J-Just relax while...

While I go upstairs and check on the kids.

[SPITTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

Did you hear what I heard?

I have closed my ears to everything.

Abner, the trouble with you is

you show no compassion for your fellow neighbor.

Gladys, if you had compassion for your fellow neighbor,

you'd move.

[ ]

[DARRIN GRUNTING]

Yes, Mrs. Kravitz. I sure do remember you. I...

You gotta be kidding.

He's back at the Stephens' house?

Okay. I'll... I'll check with the Johnson Brothers.

[ ]

Sergeant, you've gotta be kidding.

The sergeant says the gorilla's back at the Stephens' house.

He's gotta be kidding.

He ain't kidding.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Are you Mrs. Stephens?

Yes. What seems to be the trouble?

Ma'am, are you harboring a gorilla in your home?

Of course not.

Well, there was one here earlier. We saw him.

I heard about that. Weird, huh?

We just got a report that he's back here.

And this neighborhood isn't zoned for gorillas.

So you're in violation of the zoning law.

We'll have to search the premises

and make out a report.

I forbid it.

You're not searching my home.

Come on. Out of the way, lady.

Where's your search warrant?

I just made an executive decision.

In situations involving the safety of citizens,

we don't need any search warrant.

We don't even have to knock.

Kravitz dame said the gorilla was in the den. Come on.

[ ]

[GRUNTS]

That's him.

"He."

What do you want?

Good grammar or a gorilla for Tillie? Let's go.

I'll stay here with Mrs. Stephens.

You check out the kitchen and the rest of the house.

Somebody stole our gorilla.

There must be a crook around here somewhere.

You fellas see a gorilla around here?

Not me.

Did you see a gorilla, Pete?

Nope.

[GLADYS SCREAMS]

You're not gonna believe this, but you'd better.

The gorilla's on the roof!

He's on the roof!

[ ]

Serena, this is your last chance.

Now, if you don't change Darrin back this second,

I am going to send you

up the River Styx without a paddle.

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

I thought you said you saw a gorilla up there?

I did!

What are you, some kind of radical?

Hey, fella, you seen a gorilla around here?

A gorilla?

Well, come to think of it, I-I did.

Just saw him walking down the street.

Let's go!

Okay, lady.

Now, why don't you just go on home

before you get into trouble?

[GASPS]

Ooh.

[ ]

Where did you come from?

Originally from Babylon.

[GIGGLES]

You know something, Jerry?

This is a nutty neighborhood. Yeah.

Well, right now, let's get that one down off the roof.

Don't bother.

How'd that happen?

Jerry? Mm-hm?

You fill out the report. You got seniority.

John, if I fill this out, I won't even have a job.

[ ]

Go ahead, sweetheart. Yell your lungs out at Serena.

She won't blame you and neither will I.

Honey, what's the use? Everything's all right now.

I'm not really that mad at Serena.

Relatively speaking, that is.

Relatively? Mm-hm.

How can I be as mad as I should be at Serena

when I love her cousin so much?

[ ]

[ ]

Sweetheart? Hm?

You were in that cage with Tillie for quite a while,

weren't you? Heh. Too long.

Oh, I don't know. I thought she was kinda cute.

Well, I didn't.

Well, she thought you were kind of cute.

She kept putting her arms around you.

Well, now that you mention it, she was sort of affectionate.

I guess you could say that, uh,

we got to be a little more than friends.

That's what I thought.

[WHOOPING] Ah! Sam.

I just didn't want you to miss Tillie, that's all.

Sam, as horrible as it was,

I wouldn't have missed my experience with Tillie

for anything in the world.

You know why? Why?

Because those things are all part of the adjustment

a man has to make when he marries a witch.

[WHOOPING]

[ ]

[ ]

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