All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e14 Baby Crazy.eng

Here you go.

Your favorite PJs are ready

for your first
sleepover! What?

I told you I never want
to go on a sleepover.

Which is why I'm telling you
at the last second!

I didn't want to hear you
complain all week.

What if they make me
sleep next to an outlet

and I roll over and my pinky
goes in and I get electrocuted?

Then you're crying, "Why?
Why did I make my baby go?"

You are going.

You are too old to keep
dodging sleepovers.

"She was so little!"
[ Door opens ]

Still reading exams?
Yep,

I have to get through these
50 essays this weekend.

Mm-hmm.
It's exciting to see how students do under pressure.

Some struggle,
but others soar!

That's probably because
you're such a great teacher,

mentor and father.

Whatever it is,
I agree with Mom.

Please, Daddy!

Mama wants me to go
to a sleepover!

Anna-Kat,
that's not true.

I am forcing you
to go to a sleepover.

You know Oliver only
cares about himself,

so if you alienate me,

all you'll be left with is
Taylor to take care of you.

Not smart, Mama.

[ Door opens ]

Hi!

[ Door closes ]
Ugh, trade.

[ Violet cooing ]

Ah, ooh.

Hey, Violet.

Oh.

What happened
to your hair?

I can't afford to
be blonde anymore.

Pretty soon I'll be buying
second-hand clothes

from garage sales
like...this.

Ugh.
I'll have you know

I won this
at Dave & Buster's.

700 tickets.

You know, I love Violet so much,
but being a mom is so hard.

Why didn't anyone warn me?

You can hear me screaming
at my kids from your house

ten times a day.
Isn't that warning enough?

Can I help you
find something?

You know it's just me
over there

in that giant house
all by myself.

I can't afford a nanny,

Pilates is too expensive

so now I'm breastfeeding
to lose weight.

I ballooned up
to a size four.

[ Groans ]

Katie,
your screaming pillow.

Excuse me.

[ Muffled scream ]

See, you have Greg
to help you

with everything,
especially the kids.

[ Baby talk ] Who's got
the sweetest nosey

on your face-face?

You do!
And on the plus side,

his baby talk doubles
as birth control.

[ Rustling ]

Viv, I know you're
a little broke,

but you can't steal groceries
from my house.

[ Chuckles ]
Hilarious, I love it!

[ Groans ]
I don't know, Katie.

I just...feel like I can't do
this alone anymore.

Do you guys think that you could
watch Violet for me tonight?

We'd love to!

Why are we watching
the baby tonight?

I am headed to Mario's
down by the train station

where all the divorced
investment bankers go after work.

I think I can snag one

if I get there before all
the tramps take the good seats.

What are
the good seats? Ooh.

The barstools at the end.

That way I can do this...

[ Laughs loudly ]

...without
hitting anybody.

♪♪

Are those my earrings?

These are so nice!

Can I borrow them?
No.

I wore them to a business dinner
but saved the receipt.

I'm returning them.
No wonder I like them more

than the rest of your trash --
Treasures!

Off now.

They're expensive

and if I don't return them
by tomorrow

then I will be stuck
with a store credit

that expires the day
before I find it

in a drawer with
the extension cords.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Ugh, news again.

That's it.
I'm deleting this app.

[ Cellphone dings ]

No.

No no no no no no!

Bad dog! Luthor, sit!

Now Luthor, reverse swallow.

Reverse swallow!

Okay, practice run.

When the mom says
to go to sleep,

you take your sleeping bag
and put it next to the bathroom

just in case you want
to wash your hands a few times.

Yeah, Mama, if you
want me to get covered

in sewer water
when a pipe bursts.

That is not gonna --
Mama, I dunno.

This is all happening
so fast, Mama.

You don't have to keep
saying "Mama."

I know who
you're talking to.

If you have any problems,
call us.

No matter how late.

Even if you just
want to talk.

A word, Greg?

[ Sighs ]

As the years go on, coming into
this room alone with you

has become
more scary than sexy.

Why are you coddling her?

She needs a push right now,
not a hug.

She's nervous.
She's our baby --

She is turning 10!

And this is our opportunity
to help her grow up a little.

I need this.

I am getting "Mama"'d
to death in there.

What's your hurry to
make her grow up?

She's our last one.
Exactly.

We're on the verge of
getting our lives back.

Not if we take action.

Let's have another baby.

Can you get
my screaming pillow?

I'm sad our kids
are getting big.

I miss reading them books,

they reach for your hand,

I miss the way
they mispronounce words.

Taylor still does it,
but it's not cute.

It's more worrisome.
Mm-hmm.

Playing with Viv's
baby today

made me want to
start all over again.

Well then I wish you and your
second wife the very best.

[ Knock on door ]

I can't go to
the sleepover, Mama.

I think I'm getting
my period.

No, you're not.
I'm telling you.

I can feel my uterine wall
loosening.

Stop Googling stuff
and go pack your bag!

[ Sighs ]
Ugh.

[ Piano music playing ]

Can I ask you a favor?

I need --
Not my problem.

This is serious.

Then it's seriously
not my problem.

[ Chuckles ]
That's good stuff.

I turned around and Luthor ate
Mom's expensive earrings.

[ Chuckles ]

You're in so much trouble.

I read online it can
take a dog a month

to pass something
like this.

But I need them
by tomorrow.

What do I do?
Oh, I know.

Leave me out of it.

I am on fire.

You're always calling me
the dumb one.

So I'm dumb.
Help me!

All right, all right,
I'll help you.

Don't forget to wear gloves.

Three for three!

♪♪

Viv, did you steal my car keys
so I'd come over?

No.

[ Keys jingle ]
Yes.

[ Groans ]
But, hey,

would you just stay
and talk to me for, like,

ten minutes about
anything adult?

Look, just pick a topic.

[ Gasps ]
Is this my magazine?

Did you take this
from my bathroom?

I left my phone
in the bedroom

and had to read the shampoo
bottle like an animal!

Hi, Viv.
Alan?!

How the hell
did you get in here?

I opened the door
with the light of my soul.

And my key -- I still have
my key, and it works.

This isn't your home anymore,
Alan.

You and Viv are divorced.
She kicked you out a year ago.

I know, and I deserved that.

And in that time,
I've been in an ashram in India.

I've been meditating.

I've been finding myself,
reading other people's auras.

Yours, by the way,
is very cloudy.

That's not good.

You might want to
have that looked at.

What do you want, Alan?

Listen, Viv, I wasn't
the greatest husband.

But I want us
to have a fresh start.

And I realize you are
the most important thing,

and if you take me back
this time,

I will give you everything
you deserve --

champagne, travel...

I will teach you
to levitate.

Did you see that?
It's very subtle.

I really would like to believe
that you've changed.

Let me show you
that I've changed.

If you take me back, I'll make
sure your energy is pure

and your sandals
are Prada. [ Gasps ]

Nice try, Alan, but Viv
doesn't need you anymore.

She is a strong,
independent woman --

Um, actually --
No, Viv.

Um, actually, again.
Viv!

Katie.
You do not need a man to make you happy.

Viv, it's just us this time --
you and me.

A-All my children
are in prep school,

so there'll be no kids
to come between us.

[ Violet crying ]

Whose baby is that?

[ Loudly ] Katie's!
[ Gasps ]

Congratulations, Katie.

"Namaste."

That's a really neat phrase
I learned.

It means "amazeballs."

Everything's gonna be just
like it was only better.

Oh.
I'm getting so healthy right now,

I'm practically peeing
essential oils. Oh.

And you will, too.

I can't wait.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go fill our toilet

with eucalyptus
and ylang-ylang.

Mmm.

[ Door opens ]
My baby?

I don't know.
It was all I could think of.

[ Violet cooing ]
She's your baby, Viv!

Of course she is!
I'm just --

Giving up your baby for a shot
with your terrible ex-husband?

No, not giving her up,

just buying time to see if Alan
and I can work it out.

He's going to have
to know about her.

She is not a banjo
you can store in my basement.

Did I used to own a banjo?

No, it could be anything.
It's a figure of speech!

Well I don't
understand it. Viv!

Katie, please,
just watch Violet for the night.

Then Alan and I
will be back together,

and I promise
I will come clean.

By then he'll be
so in love with me

he'll have to be
in love with her.

This is a bad idea.
Please?

Being a single mom
is so hard.

And I want
my blond hair back.

Brunettes lead sad,
miserable lives.

You of all people should
understand that.

Hey.
Why'd you want my old --

Oh hell no!

You had another one?!

Do they just drop
out of you without warning?

It is Viv's baby.

I did not have time to
grab a stroller from her.

[ Violet coos ]
Why would you want to babysit Viv's baby?

Alan is back

so I'm stuck taking care
of little Viv here

until she can get up the guts
to tell Alan she had a baby.

Since when do you do such
nice things for people?

I don't know.

I'm losing what
makes me special.

The worst part is having this
little angel at our house

is making Greg baby crazy.

And I do not want
another baby.

Sometimes the best cure
for wanting a baby

is spending time
with a baby.

Yeah, it's true.

Make Greg watch the baby
all night.

See how he
likes it then. Mm-hmm.

I always say, if you want to
talk someone out of marriage,

just hang out
with my ex-wife.

What does that have
to do with the baby? I don't know,

I just feel like we don't
talk about me enough.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Thudding ]

Ready for your sleepover?

It was nice
knowing you, boy.

You with your shorter life span,
and here I am going first.

You will be home
tomorrow morning.

Get in the car.

[ Door closes ]

[ Violet cooing ]

Here you go, Professor.

Katie, I'm working.

Not anymore.

Oh, is having a baby
sometimes inconvenient?

Good thing
she's not a toddler,

because toddlers
do stuff like this.

♪♪

[ Violet cries ]

[ Cellphone clicking ]

You know how
you said the dog

eating Mom's earrings
wasn't your problem?

Yeah, that was great.

And remember those
gold cufflinks

that you got from Spencer?

[ Chuckles ]
You mean the ones that he stole

off Malcolm Forbes' corpse
at his funeral?

[ Chuckles ] Right, those.

Well, now we have
the same problem

because Luthor ate them.

How'd Luthor get them?!

Well, they somehow
fell into a treat.

That I fed him.
And then I laughed.

Now grab some gloves
and join the party.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey.
Hey.

I am back from dropping
Anna-Kat off.

Where is Violet?

She's napping in my office
like an angel.

Is she?
Yeah.

Hmm.

[ Coins clang ]

Why are you putting
loose change in the blender?

You need to sharpen the blades
every six months.

You are not staying
on top of it.

I don't think tha--

[ Blender whirring,
coins clanging ]

You'll wake the baby!

Oh, is she sleeping?!

I forgot she was even here!

We were just
talking about her!

[ Whirring, clanging continue ]

[ Blender shuts off ]

Why isn't she crying?

She's so calm.
I forgot how good babies can be.

Oh.

Such a good baby!

Katie: Let's see how good
you are when I do this.

[ Pacifier pops ]

[ Giggles ]

[ Coos ]

I better clean
this pacifier.

Newborns are the best.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

You've made
a powerful enemy, baby.

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone clicks ]

Anna-Kat, are you okay?

You were so right.

The sleepover is fun.
See?

But we're having
a stuffed animal tea party

and I didn't bring one.

I'm going to be stuck using
an oven mitt like an idiot.

Okay, calm down.
I'll be right there.

Bring my stuffed turtle.

The one with the friendly eyes.

Not the one who looks like
he has a terrible secret.

How am I supposed to
figure that out?

You'll know.

♪♪

♪♪

What do you know, turtle?

[ Indistinct talking ]
Mama!

Here's your turtle.
Forget the turtle.

Let's get out of here.

Wait, what about
the tea party?

There was never
any tea party.

Let me get my things,
and I'll explain in the car.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not getting your things.

Good thinking.
Leave 'em here.

Collateral damage.
No.

Just because
something is hard

does not mean
you run away from it.

This is an opportunity
for you to make friends

with some nice girls.

I am not taking you home.

Woman: Kids, it's time to
decorate your own cupcake!

[ Sighs ]
I'm in hell.

♪♪

Katie: Viv?

What are you doing here?

Other than breastfeeding and
making Greg uncomfortable.

I couldn't figure out

a way of getting past her
without looking.

Before I go out
with Alan for the night,

I had to feed my sweet,
beautiful Violet.

This is always
the best part of my day.

Mm.

I remember when I had
best parts of my day.

All right, Viv.

[ Door closes ]
The car's out--

Why are you breastfeeding
Katie's baby?

Uh...
When you left Viv,

she became so poor that...I had
to hire her...as my wet nurse.

That's...right.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Um, Katie is just one of
my many clients that I wet for.

I-I'm not an idiot, okay?

Okay, Alan...

...Violet's my baby.

Since we've been divorced,
you had a baby?

Alan, what you have
to understand --

[Bleep] I looked.

And the father
was a pig whisperer,

he caught me at a very
vulnerable time.

But then he left town and
I never heard from him again.

Well, the "old me" would've
dumped you immediately.

But Swami Gary's taught me
to think before I act.

He calls it "thacting."

What other vocab did
Swami Gary teach you?

Douching, by chance?

As in, the act
of being a douche?

Here's my offer -- we're gonna
Westport the whole situation.

We're gonna hire
an entire staff of nannies.

They're gonna care for her.
They're gonna feed her.

They're gonna take her
to tennis lessons, okay?

When she's old enough,

we're gonna get her into
a Swiss boarding school.

And then you and I
will live our lives --

our big, awesome,
amazing lives,

and you are gonna want
for nothing.

Um...

I --
Viv?

I'll be in the car,
okay?

Amazeballs.

Means "namaste,"
essentially.

Okay, before you say anything,

maybe it is a good plan.
[ Door opens, closes ]

Maybe Violet
will be better off.

Viv --
And you'll be better off!

I won't be here all the time

bothering you,
taking your stuff,

showering at your place
when you guys are gone.

It took you so long
to leave on Thursday.

Oh.
Greg?

A word?

♪♪

♪♪

I called the vet,
and they said pumpkin

will make him go immediately,
so I fed him a can and a half.

Smart.
[ Luthor sniffing ]

Come on, boy!
Give us some earrings!

And cufflinks --
don't forget the cufflinks.

Whoa, whoa.
He needs his space.

Ooh,
I think he's ready to go.

How can you tell?

It looks like
he's trying to solve

a really hard
math problem.

[ Gasps ]
Good boy, good boy!

[ Gasps ]
Mom's earrings!

[ Sighs ]
Where are my cufflinks?

Come on, boy.
What else you got in there?

A thimble? A race car?

Well, looks like he got
into Monopoly.

Come on, boy.
Where are my cufflinks?

Luthor never ate
your cufflinks.

He didn't?

Then where are they?

I couldn't feed cufflinks
to our dog.

I'm not a monster.

I just needed you
to help me.

[ Cufflinks jingle ]

♪♪

Really?

You played me?

All new respect.

For the "dumb one,"
that was a pretty smart move.

I think you mean
for the "dumb whom,"

that was a pretty
smart move.

♪♪

Here's the problem --

Evil Katie almost
has Viv out of her hair.

She wants fewer people
depending on her

so she can have
more of a life.

And sending Viv off with Alan
would do that in spades.

But Good Katie knows...

That Viv and her baby
belong together.

But Evil Katie is tired of
using Russian dressing

to cover her blemishes because
Viv stole her concealer.

But we're human beings,
and...

And...we need to do
the right thing.

Fine.

I blame you for making me
a better person.

It's very unpleasant.

Viv, I know that
you have told me

that you are not mom material,
but you are wrong.

I am?
Yes.

Violet is amazing.

I tried to make her cry
repeatedly today -- Wait, why would you --

It's not important, Viv.
[ Horn honks ]

It's Alan.
[ Sighs ]

You have got
the best baby ever.

And there is only
one reason for it.

Because she has got
the best mom ever.

You really think
I'm a good mom?

I know you are.

Ugh!

That is such a relief

because I stole
your "best mom ever" mug,

and I felt really bad
about it.

But now I feel like
I earned it.

You know what?

I don't need a man
to make me happy.

Because you make me happy.

[ Coos ]

Yes, you do.

Violet, it'll be the two of us
against the world.

It'll be the two of you plus the
Otto family against the world.

I don't need a man.

[ Chuckles ]
Because you're my man.

[ Grunts ]
Oh, gosh, you're my big, strong, burly man.

[ Smooches ]

I could kill Good Katie.

Mm.

♪♪

Look who I have here.

Oh my God, Greg,
she's alive!

She made it through
the sleepover

and nothing bad happened!

Alright, I get it.

You were right,
it was good.

We made S'mores and had
a marshmallow fight.

I'm glad I stayed.

Anna-Kat.

Yeah?

I am proud of you.

[ Chuckles ]
Thanks, Mom.

"Mom"?

Yeah, "Mom."

None of the kids
say "Mama."

That's for babies.

[ Sighs ]

No more "Mama."

I'm not "Mama" anymore.

I'm now..."Mom."

[ Groans ]

"Mom."

It's the end of an era.

She was so little.

So...fourth baby?

Nah.

I'm just gonna teach Luthor
to call me "Mama."

I saw a husky do it
on the Internet.

I am telling you
it is more fun

to steal from restaurants
than your friends.

Okay.

One...two...

three...now!

[ Thud ]

You're right.
And it's always stocked.

I mean, I could never get real
maple syrup at your place,

I mean, 'cause
you're always like,

"glug, glug, glug,
glug, glug."

[ Quietly ] When the manager
turns away, grab the ketchup.

[ Whispering ]
Oh, no, no, no.

I've already stolen like

three ketchups from you.

But they have those tiny
hot sauces, and I love those.

Okay, on three.
Okay.

One...Two...

[ Gasps ]
Dibs!

Oh.
It's taco night tonight.

I'll make it up to you.
Next stop -- Starbucks.

When you ask them
for almond milk,

they hand you
a whole carton.

So fun!
Yeah.

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