All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s01e22 The Wild West.eng

(bird screeches)

(man)
The untamed West...

the last frontier...

where death walks in the open.

(bell tolling)

(dramatic Western music)

Where a lone man

leads an endless struggle
of good versus evil.

I can see his trail
off in the distance.

He'll be here soon.

And only I can stop him.

The rugged cowboy,
hero of the West.

Actually, the cowboy wasn't
the hero of the West at all.

Huh! Bandit!

Aah! I'm not a bandit.

Then you're a hired gun
sent to kill me. Nope.

Oh. Then you're the spirit
of the jackal,

who takes many shapes.

Wrong again.

Well, who in the heck
are you?

Howdy! I'm Adam Conover.

And this is
"Adam Ruins Everything."

Closed Captions Provided by
truTV

(rooster crowing)

(horse snorting)

Whoa, now.

Howdy.

Howdy.
Howdy.

(Adam)
Wow, a Wild West town!

Or the Hollywood version,
anyway.

Ooh, there is
so much to debunk here.

Listen up, little lady.

I'm Duke Blaine.

I'm the fastest-drawing,
manliest-stubble-having,

blue-eyed cowboy in the West.

I'm here to save this town
from Big Bad Olmstead,

so you best be on your way.

No, you're not.

You're a composite

of several different
movie cowboys.

And the movie version
of the Wild West

had nothing to do
with the real history.

Says you.

What's with
that hokey getup anyway?

Oh, this is
my country-western suit.

I had it made special
for this episode, see?

(chuckles)

This represents curiosity

and this one's

for turtle husbandry.

And what I'm wearing

is about as
historically accurate

as what you're wearing.

You should really be
dressed like this guy.

(flies buzzing)

What? Oh, no, no,
he smells like cow dung.

He sure does.

That's because real cowboys
didn't shoot bad guys.

They herded cows.

They were basically
just laborers.

I just got into town...

and here's my r?sum?!

My greatest weakness
is that I care too much.

That's great.

You're hired.

You can start
shoveling manure tomorrow.

Whoo-hoo!

No, no, cowboys were the law
in these towns.

Strolling around,

dazzling the townsfolk
with flashy gunplay.

Hey, what does that sign say?

It says "No guns."

The law was the law
in Wild West towns,

and many of them actually
had stricter gun laws

than those same cities today.

They did?

Frontier towns were
industrial economies

where people came
to mine or herd cattle,

so many of them
required visitors

to check their firearms
upon entering.

Consarn it,
guns are the way of the West!

Yee-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha!

Take that, angels!

This here town is for work,
not for gunplay!

You want to play with something,
play with these!

What the...?

How am I supposed to defend
the townsfolk with these?

The cowboy is
the white knight of the West.

Actually, most cowboys
weren't white at all.

A third were Mexican
and a quarter were black.

Where'd my right to vote go?

Mexicans? No way.

He's right, Blaine.

Good Lord, it's the jackal!

Man, you are superstitious.

No, Blaine,
this is D.H. Figueredo,

author and chronicler
of the history

of Mexicans in the West.

Blaine, the truth is

that America owes most
of its cowboy traditions

to Mexican culture.

Spain introduced cattle
to Mexico in the 1500s.

That's when the vaquero,
or "cow man," was born.

That's why so many cowboy
words derive from Spanish:

"lasso," "rodeo," "mustang,"
"bronco," even "chaps."

No! Not my chaps.

How come
I never heard of this?

Well, after the rise
of the movie industry,

American popular culture
was dominated by the image

of the white and tall cowboy

because actors like
John Wayne and Gary Cooper

were the ones cast to play
cowboys in the movies.

So the long history of
the black and Latino cowboys

was forgotten.

Well, I'll be danged.

Thanks, D.H.

Thank you, Adam.

Yah! It was the jackal!
You lied to me.

No, it was an expert,
it was an expert.

Come on, come on.

What about my heroes?

People like Wyatt Earp
and Buffalo Bill?

They were real people.

Ah, more showmanship.

Wyatt Earp was
a con artist drifter

who sold his story
to Hollywood,

and Buffalo Bill
was an entertainer

known for his tall tales.

See, for many years,

Americans thought
of Wild West settlements

as trashy places,

but Buffalo Bill
changed all that

with his touring
Wild West shows.

Come see
my amazing recreations!

We got cowboys,
we got Indians,

we've even got a girl
with a gun.

Gender is a construct!
Bang-bang!

It was a circus show
with a simple story line,

but as it toured the country,

it popularized the image
of the Wild West

as we know it today.

But that's all it was--

a simple story.

Who you calling simple?

I contain multitudes,
dadgummit.

You need me.

Y'all need me!

Who else is gonna protect you
from the savage Injun?

Whoa! Lots to unpack here.

First off,
you are lumping together

500 federally recognized
tribes and cultures,

none of which deserve
to be called savage.

Rein it in, buddy.

Wild West's
beginning to sound

more and more p.c.
every day.

Secondly, cowboys didn't
fight Native Americans,

our government did.

For centuries,
the U.S. government

systematically forced
native people off their land,

then gave it
to white homesteaders,

and then either
killed the natives

or confined them
to reservations.

Let's play
government and Indians!

All right, I'll be an Indian.

And we'll be the government.

Now get out.

(sighs)

We didn't need protecting
from Native Americans.

They needed protecting
from us.

Our government straight up
invaded their home.

Feel so small.

Yeah, you should.

Because Americans
have known about this

for over a century,

but instead
of confronting it,

we're still propagating

a false image
of the Wild West

we got from
a hundred-year-old circus act.

This is, this is,
this is hard to believe.

You're telling me
that the West

was not settled
by a lone man

armed only with
his wits and a gun?

No.

In fact, these towns were
largely built by women.

No!
What?

Don't you want to
know more?

I'm gonna
tell you about it.

Smash the patriarchy!

Bang-bang-bang!

(piano playing,
chatter and laughter)

Olmstead'll be here soon.

I need a drink
to steady my nerves.

Yes, sarsaparillas
all around!

What?
It's good for psoriasis.

(woman)
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now, you come on over,

my soiled dove.

Oh, the West is too wild
for a frail woman like me.

(bell dings)

Unhand her, you brute!

Oh!
Ma'am.

Hey, what's the big idea?
Ooh...

I'm here to defend your honor.

You girls are helpless
out here in the West.

Ha! That's a good one.
(spits)

Blaine, women arguably did
more to develop the West

than men did.

I ain't no damsel
in distress.

I'm a working girl.

And old Bill loves a good,
helpless woman act, don't ya?

Oh, I, I surely do,
Miss Pearl.

Same time next week?

You got it, honey.

Oh, and that punch?

That was a nice touch.

Now, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Prostitution is no job for
a respectable woman like you.

Blaine, women,
like everyone else,

came to the West
for economic opportunity.

And despite
its considerable downsides,

prostitution was often
the most lucrative line of work

available to them.

If you haven't noticed,
it is the 1800s,

and there aren't
a lot of options

for me to earn a living.

This is the best one I got.

Excuse me while I decide
what to do

with all my...
independence.

(chuckles)

Now serving... number 42!

(laughs)

In fact,
before these women arrived,

Wild West towns weren't
really towns at all.

They were more like
work camps.

Welcome, y'all.

That's the hole you sleep in,

that's the hole you crap in,

and that's the hole you die in.

(Adam)
The men were so desperate for women,

they would pay just to see
a pair of women's undergarments.

Oh, come on, gimme a peek

at those
dainty little things.

Oh, can you imagine?

(Adam)
So, when women came west, they saw a clear economic need.

Hmm... these boys
are lacking something...

and I think I can provide it.

(Adam)
Their services were in such demand,

many of these women
made more money

than the men they served.

And entire towns sprung up
around brothels.

It was the influx of women

that finally turned
these barren camps

into bustling towns.

Now that we got all this cash,
let's do something with it.

Cheryl, you open a store
to shop in.

(bell dings)

Marta, you open a school
to learn in.

(school bell rings)

And, Donna, you open a church
to feel guilty in.

And with all that wealth,

they soon became leaders
of their communities.

First you get the land...

then you get the money...

then you get the power.

And they used that power

to provide services
the West desperately needed.

Madam Millie of New Mexico
used her wealth

to put local children
through college.

How sweet.

Colorado madam Laura Evans

provided workers' compensation
for injured men

and sheltered victims
of domestic abuse.

Mighty generous.

And madam
Diamond Jessie Hayman

provided food and clothing
to the homeless

after the 1906
San Francisco earthquake.

Hold on.

Are you sure women
did all this?

They sure did.

Thank you, painted lady,
but the men are talking.

Oh...

Blaine, mind your manners.

That's author and historian
Jan Mackell Collins.

I had nothin'.

Oh, hey, there, Jan.

Well, hi, Adam.

Would you tell Blaine here
about the contribution

prostitutes made
to the Old West?

Well, certainly.

So, it is true

that the prostitution
industry

could be
a very dangerous one,

because there was disease,

domestic violence,
drug abuse,

but prostitutes
were pioneers,

just like the men
they served.

In fact, a lot
of prostitutes and madams

were astute businesswomen.

Being a prostitute or a madam
could actually give women

more financial freedom
here in the West

than their
eastern counterparts,

and that could even lead

to a measure
of political equality

and influence
in the communities

where they served these men.

Well, I'll be
a three-peckered barn owl.

Okay, come on, Jan,
double or nothing!

You're on, cowpoke.

By 1869, women wielded
so much power in the West

that Wyoming actually became
the first territory

to give women
the right to vote,

a half-century before
the rest of the nation did.

We was hoping on holding
elections today, ma'am.

That is, of course, if'n
it's all right with you.

Works for me.

Girls, time to vote.

(bell dinging)

Wyoming actually refused
to become a state

unless women kept that right.

No, no, no, no, we can't
have your women voting.

Their tiny brains
can't handle it.

No deal! We may stay
out of the Union 100 years,

but we'll come in
with our women!

Wow, that is remarkably
progressive for this era.

Fine! Women in Wyoming
can keep the vote!

(all cheering)

By the way, while I'm here,
uh, would you mind if I...

Sure, go right ahead, Uncle.

Tee-hee-hee,
I'm a naughty boy.

Wyoming joined the Union
as "The Equality State,"

and the idea soon spread.

The next eight states
to grant women suffrage

were all in the West,

and Wyoming would go on to elect

the nation's first
female governor in 1924.

Face it, without these women,

the West as we know it
wouldn't exist.

So, men like me, we're useless?

We're nothing?

Okay, that's
an overreaction.

Saying women are good

doesn't devalue
the contributions of men.

Oh, horse... hockey!

If the ladies are so great,

they can take on
Big Bad Olmstead.

Let them be the heroes
of the West.

Oh... come on.

Blaine!

Come back, Blaine!

The real hero of the West
wasn't a person at all!

Don't you want to know
what it is?

Blaine!

(harmonica playing mournfully)

(Adam)
Oh... so... so, Blaine,

want me to tell you
the real reason

cowboys didn't
settle the West?

(chuckles)

Please go away.
Oh...

The desert is a cruel
and inhospitable realm.

It's no place for
a city slicker like you.

Ha, that's true.

In fact, it's no place
for anybody.

Frankly, the West probably

never should have been
settled at all,

and until
surprisingly recently,

very few people lived
in these deserts.

Arizona,
Nevada and New Mexico

are harsh, barren places
with no water

and temperatures that
regularly reach the 110s.

People really only moved
out West to work,

and once that work dried up,

they kept moving
to more hospitable lands.

I'm gonna head out
for San Francisco.

You know,
open a mining startup.

I heard
the real estate market

is insane right now.

Yeah.

In fact, homesteaders
who were given land

in the Mojave Desert

quickly abandoned
their properties,

and these places
all became ghost towns.

So, cowboys like you

aren't why modern Americans
live out West.

The only reason most people
live here today

is because of revolutionary
modern technology.

Is that a mirage?

What the...

What's that cool breeze
emanating from the doorway?

Oh... oh...

(woman, echoing)
It's the future...

brought to you
by modern technology.

To live here, we pipe
cold air and water

into this unlivable wasteland

in defiance of God himself.
(laughs)

What is this...
cool, easy feeling?

It's unnatural.

Exactly.

It's air conditioning...

the real hero of the Wild West.

(horse whinnying)

(dramatic Western music)

(women oohing and laughing)

Ooh, I'm so chilly.

That's because we use
vast amounts of energy

to artificially terraform
this desert wasteland,

and it's all thanks
to the federal government.

No! Not
the federal government!

You betcha!

If you want to bring water
and power

to your inhospitable desert,

try the Hoover Dam.

A massive federal spending
project built in 1935,

it was the tallest damn
in the world at the time,

and it can be yours for nearly
800 million in today's dollars.

Between 1950 and 2000,
Arizona's population quintupled,

and Nevada's exploded
by almost 1,000 percent!

Isn't the hubris
of man beautiful?

So, remember,
while tough guys like this

want you to think that they
did it themselves,

the West as we know it
was brought to you by...

modern technology
and massive federal spending.

Without them, the West
would still look like this.

N-nah!

Aah!

No...

No, I can't go back
to living this way.

Where do I get
that sweet, icy fix?

Oh, I know a place we can go--
the movies!

Here is where it starts
to get really interesting.

One of the reasons
movie theaters first took off

was they were
the first public buildings

to regularly feature a.c.

Step right up
and see our main attraction.

It's cold inside!

Also we're showing some stupid
cowboy picture, but who cares?

Brr! Brr!
(laughs)

Get back here, bandits!

This brought a huge influx
of cash to the movie industry

and, sensing a new gold rush,

opportunists like your "hero,"
Wyatt Earp,

went to Hollywood
to peddle their tall tales.

Yeah... and then I killed
a bunch of people heroically.

Leave out the part about me
being a broke gambler.

I tamed the West
all by myself.

(cell phone ringtone)

Hey, Piven, we still on
for Lakers tomorrow?

(laughs)

Courtside, baby!

Buffalo Bill's rodeo shows

had whetted the public's
appetite for frontier fiction,

and from the silent movie era
through the 1950s,

one out of every five movies
made was a Western,

and it was these films that
finally solidified the image

of the lone, rugged cowboy
we know today.

So, you see,
the modern West

was settled
by air conditioning,

air conditioning gave birth
to the movie industry,

and movies created the myth

that cowboys like you
settled the West.

Isn't it cool how it
comes around like that?

Man, history
is so poetic sometimes.

So it's all a lie.

Even my fictional self-image
was created by a machine.

Oh, and massive federal
spending, don't forget that.

No...!

(sobbing)

I can't defend this town
from Big Bad Olmstead!

If this town even exists!

I'm so confused.

(dramatic Western music)

Olmstead.

Is that you?

Say your prayers, Blaine.

It's time to meet your maker.

(people screaming and shouting)

All right,
Big Bad Olmstead.

Show yourself.

I been here
all along, cowboy.

(dramatic Western music,
whip cracking)

Surprise! It was me
the whole time! (laughs)

Big Bad Olmstead?

Well, Olmstead's
my middle name. See?

Says right on my wanted poster.

Blaine, I told you
you'd meet your maker.

Well, here they are.

(Blaine)
No...

No, no, no, no,
stay back, stay back!

Keep the truth away from me!
(maracas rattle)

You're not a man, Blaine.

You're an idea.

And it's time to kill

this outdated image
of the lone, rugged cowboy.

It was the group efforts
of men and women,

people of all races,

massive government spending
and modern technology

that made the West
what it is today.

(grunting)

Your old story...

is full of holes.

But it can't be.

I was the... hero.

No, Blaine, you weren't.

But you were part of a tale.

And what a fascinating tale
it was.

I mean, black and Mexican
cowboys, female governors,

a cool air conditioner
with a cowboy hat,

not to mention the rich history
of the Native Americans, which,

frankly, deserves
its own episode.

Yeah.
Yeah.

The true history was always

more interesting
than the myth.

It's time to let
this fake story die

and start telling the real one.

I guess...
I see your point.

(sad Western music)

That'll do, Blaine.

That'll do.

He's gone.

Yep. Well, goodbye.

Oh, you didn't wanna...

grab a drink at the saloon
or anything, or--?

Nope.

It's time
for you to go.

This is our story,
not yours, remember?

Oh, right, of course.

(chuckles)
No problem.

Makes sense.

(Adam grunts, horse whinnies)

Well, I, I guess I got new towns
to teach. (laughs)

Uh-huh.

Okay.
(slaps horse)

Whoa-ho!

(Adam)
There he goes, the lonely TV host,

riding off into the sunset.
(laughs)

(Miss Pearl)
We don't care!

My friends!

Remember the Alamo...

was a political disaster.

Not a lot of people know that.
(laughs)

See, in 1836,

the Mexican government
was moving away from...

Oh, geez... oh, man, this thing
really hurts your perineum.

(Western music ends)

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