Original subtitles

...Receive awards today, remember that as Girl Guides

you are united in comradeship with other companies in this county,

and beyond those companies with those of other counties,

and beyond those counties with other countries

right through the empire.

And finally, girls, in all things, remember, be prepared.

I'm sure we'd like to thank our county commissioner

for those stirring words this morning,

and I'd like to ask her to present the service and interest badges.

First, red eight-point badge, Wanda Griffiths.

(Applause)

No, Wanda. In the Guides we do a left-hand shake.

And don't salute with something in your hand.

No, Wanda. We do a right-hand salute.

Congratulations, Wanda.

(Badge clinks)

You can go back to your place now, Wanda.

Only 32 more to go.

Next, the blue eight-point...

Where are we going for lunch? We'll find somewhere.

Shouldn't you have booked? We're having a picnic.

You can hardly book a field. Oh.

I was hoping we'd go to the Harbour Arms.

I can't afford the Harbour Arms.

Besides, we should set a good example. To whom?

To our fellow Girl Guides.

We're supposed to encourage outdoor activities.

Come on, Marjory.

Whistle and smile at all times. Thank you, Brabinger.

Have you ever tried doing that? What?

Whistling and smiling at the same time.

MARJORY: Who else is coming on this picnic?

AUDREY: Nobody. Why?

MARJORY: I thought you might have asked Richard DeVere.

AUDREY: Can you see DeVere lunching al fresco?

MARJORY: I don't see why not. AUDREY: He's a townie.

AUDREY: He still doesn't know the difference between a cow and a bull.

You know how important that is on a picnic.

(Both laugh)

It just isn't good enough, Spalding. You haven't given me a cost analysis.

There are development projections and no market research figures.

But you know all about the bacon market, Mr DeVere.

As a grocer, yes, but not as a farmer.

When I say I want to know all about pig breeding, I want the full facts.

All you've told me here is that pigs are dirty little pink things which go oink.

That's not all they are. Ever been to a pig farm?

No, and judging by this report, you haven't spent much time in one either.

Do it again. If you say so, Mr DeVere.

I do, dammit. And it's not even in the right colour folder.

Does it matter? Of course. It's a feasibility study.

Should be in a blue folder.

Bedrich... Mother, what are you doing in here?

Well, I live here. Yes, I know.

But this is my business office. You're not supposed to disturb me in here.

But he said it was important. Who did?

Young Mr Edwards. He wants to see you.

Mr Edwards? He hasn't got an appointment. What does he want?

He said it was something about sponsorship.

Oh, that Mr Edwards. Well, you'd better show him in.

Now, this'll be about my latest promotion.

Al fresco salad cream, for your déjeuner sur 'l'herbe.

For my what? Picnic.

The French association gives it a touch of the haute cuisine.

Oh, yes. Should go well with your bacon sandwiches.

Come in, Mr Edwards.

Here he is, Bedrich. Oh. Well, you're not young Mr Edwards.

Well, of course he is. Now, say your piece.

It's our raft race, sir. Boy Scouts.

Here, have a biscuit. Mother, look, I'm trying to work.

Go ahead.

I was wondering whether you'd sponsor us, sir.

Who's us? The Grantleigh troop.

Against others in the county. Some sort of competition, is it?

Yes, sir. We have to build a raft and then see who can go the furthest on it.

They're trying to raise money for a new Scout hut.

Well, what would you like me to do?

Sponsor our raft, sir. So much for every mile of the river we complete.

What sort of figure did you have in mind?

It's up to you, sir. Oh, thank you.

Mrs Proctor, 8p. Mr Miller, 5p. The rector, 2p.

Is this per mile? Yes, sir.

It'll take you about 20 years to get a new Scout hut at this rate.

Why do you suppose he has come to see you?

Because he thinks I'm a soft touch.

You should be glad to help young people.

The best way I can help them is to teach them to do things in a businesslike way.

You just have to write down the amount, that's all, sir.

You want me to invest my money without an investigation?

You see, Spalding? Here it is again.

Sign it, Bedrich. Mother, please don't interrupt.

This is business. Business.

Certainly. This young man wants me to invest my money just like that,

with no cost analysis, no development projections and no...

BOTH: market research figures.

He is only a child.

Exactly. Young enough for me to make a businessman out of him.

If I ran Cavendish Foods the way some people run this estate,

I'd be bankrupt in no time.

Now, then, young man, how long's the course?

Don't know, sir.

Do you know the optimum speed of your craft?

No, sir. Why not?

We haven't built it yet, sir.

Well, what about the age and fitness of your crew?

No, sir. The cost of a new Scout hut?

You see, Spalding, not even a glimmer of a feasibility study.

Now, listen to me, young Mr Edwards.

Now, you go away and do some research

and come back with a genuine proposition.

In a blue folder. Don't be ridiculous, Spalding.

And when you've convinced me, here you are, you've got a viable scheme,

you can tell me how much I should sponsor you for.

It's called price rigging.

Price fixing, Mother. Know your own value and charge accordingly.

Have you got that? Yes, sir.

Good. You do it my way and you'll find you get a much better deal. Off you go.

Robert, have a biscuit.

Ah. Hold out your hat.

Oh, Mother! You've had quite enough, Bedrich.

You'll spoil your lunch. Come along, Robert.

Good boy. It's ages since I've been on a picnic.

Just like old times. Not quite, madam, I'm afraid.

Brabinger remembers the real picnics, don't you, Brabinger?

Oh, yes, madam. The table, the white linen cloth, the candlesticks,

and a full staff to serve Perigord pies and truffles from a Fortnum's hamper.

And now sardine sandwiches and an individual fruit pie.

Of course, madam, you are both too young to remember the river parties.

But I've seen the photographs.

Girls in straw hats and parasols and the men in blazers and boaters.

Did the sun really shine all the time, Brabinger?

Yes, madam. It was frequently so hot,

I had to keep putting ice buckets under your grandmother's chair

to watt cool air up her skirts.

Those were the days, madam. Oh, well, back to our brave new world.

Come along, Marjory.

I don't think we should go in there.

Oh, that's just to keep the trespassers out.

We used to have them all over the estate.

Martin had one made that said,

"Don't cross this field unless you can do it 9.8 seconds.

The bull can doit in 10."

Yes, he was full of little jokes like that.

I must say, I rather miss having a man about the place, Marjory.

You've got Brabinger.

You know perfectly well what I mean.

Go on, it's quite safe.

Righto.

Guide training.

Finishing school training.

Come on, then, Marjory.

MARJORY: Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

That's it, Bertie.

Off you go. Good boy.

Under that tree, don't you think?

MARJORY: Oh, no. We might get struck by lightning.

An alert Guide has to think of every eventuality.

No, we'll make camp, um, here.

Oh, all right.

Now, did you bring a spade?

Why on earth should we need a spade? It doesn't matter.

I've got this.

What are you going to do? Cut out a square of turf.

What for?

So that our fire won't leave a scorched patch.

Fire? Our camp fire.

To heat the water for the tea.

But I've got a stove.

Audrey, it was your idea to come on this Guide outing.

This is a picnic, nothing to do with Guiding.

Now, I've got some dry grass for kindling, dry matches...

Where did you get all that stuff? I always keep them in my Guide bag.

I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for suspected arson.

Insect repellent, crepe bandage, lint, iodine. You see? Everything we need.

Now, I want a forked stick to hang the dixie on.

Dixie? Billycan to you.

You did bring one, didn't you? Of course I didn't.

Honestly, Aud, however did you become county commissioner?

Anyone would think you'd never read the Guide Handbook.

Well, we must learn to move with the times.

Fortunately, the 20th century has given us the simple gas stove.

Ah.

Well, at least you don't have to heat sardines.

Don't they provide a key any more?

"In all things, girls, be prepared.”

Well, it was Brabinger's evening off.

What have you done about Brabinger's lunch?

He said he'd make his own arrangements.

I expect he'll take the Rolls to the pub.

I'm beginning to think we should have done the same thing.

Don't be silly. We'll manage.

Oh, gosh. What's the matter?

We've got company. Nonsense. This is a private field.

(Bellows)

Quick, Marjory. He's gaining on us.

I thought you said it was safe!

It's DeVere's fault. He's changing everything.

Oh. I do beg your pardon, madam.

I wasn't expecting you back quite so soon.

Brabinger, where did you get all this?

Well, in your late father-in-law's time, madam,

a gentleman came to stay at the manor.

His name was Baden-Powell.

And he gave me an excellent piece of advice which I've always remembered.

Be prepared.

(Intercom buzzes)

Spalding? Yes, Mr DeVere.

Would you come in here?

Spalding, I've been thinking. Oh.

That boy and you, you both need a lesson in presentation.

So I want you to find out everything there is to know.

What they're made of, durability, resistance to weather,

colour, size and availability.

Of pigs?

No, you fool, of Scout huts.

Oh, I see. You're gonna buy them a Scout hut.

I don't think they're gonna get one any other way.

Not a hope. Yes, I can see it all.

The Richard DeVere Memorial Scout Hut.

Memorial?

Can I be of assistance, madam? It's all right, Brabinger.

I'm boiling an egg.

Is madam not satisfied with my boiled eggs?

You boil an egg to perfection, Brabinger,

because here you have the proper equipment.

But suppose you were stuck in the desert with nothing but a piece of cotton,

a safety pin and an egg.

Well, I was, madam, frequently. You were?

In your late father-in-law's time when I was batman to him in the Desert Rats.

In that case, you know what to do.

Yes, madam. I would use the cotton to sew a braces button

on my officer's trousers.

The safety pin would hold up my own trousers.

And I would fry the egg on a stone.

No, Brabinger, this is the proper way to do eggs.

If you say so, madam.

I've been rather neglecting my duties as county commissioner,

so I'm giving myself a refresher course.

I didn't know till yesterday there's a proper way to climb trees,

according to Miss Frobisher.

Do you intend to climb a tree, madam?

Oh, no, Brabinger. It's a hypothetical tree.

It ought to be there in case one is being chased by a hypothetical bull.

There's also a proper way to climb a five-barred gate.

Well, how is that, madam? Fast.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, it's Master Robert Edwards, madam.

Oh, yes. Come in, Robert.

Ah. No, I'm afraid I haven't got a bob-a-job for you.

I have Brabinger for that.

It's our raft race, Mrs Fforbes. Will you sponsor us?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, what are you hoping to get this year?

We need a new Scout hut.

I'm not surprised, with the battering you give the old one.

It's not us. It's the Guides.

Now, now, Robert.

They've just as much right to be there as you have.

I'd have thought the rector could have run to more than that.

After all, he is the Scout leader.

So you haven't been to see Mr DeVere yet?

Yes, I have. But his name isn't on the list.

He wanted to know more about it. You mean he wouldn't sponsor you?

Well, not yet. Did you hear that, Brabinger?

You and me, poor as we are, giving our all for a new Scout hut,

while he, a millionaire, grudges a few pennies.

And after everything the Scouts have done for him.

The number of times they've helped his mother across the road.

In spite of her resistance. I think it's disgraceful.

You leave this to me, Robert.

I'll make sure you get a fat contribution from the manor.

Thank you, Brabinger.

(Intercom buzzes) SPALDING: Yes, Mr DeVere?

I've just read your report on the Scout huts. First class.

Only one criticism. It should have been a red folder.

You said blue for feasibility.

Ah, but this is now work in progress, isn't it?

And liaise with the Scout people, will you?

Usual anonymous donor, of course. Just make sure they know who it's from.

Very good, Mr DeVere.

(Door opens)

AUDREY: I've come to see Mr DeVere. Is he in?

SPALDING: Are you in? Of course. Send her in.

AUDREY: I'm not a parcel.

Well, what a lovely surprise.

Uh, chair? -So it is.

I'm amazed that someone as apparently hard-up has chairs at all.

I'd expect orange boxes.

You can have an orange box if you prefer.

After all, I am a grocer, you know. And doing very well.

Though one would hardly think so. Would you like a biscuit?

I wouldn't dream of depriving you. What's all this leading up to, Audrey?

I'm told you've refused to sponsor our crew in the raft race.

It's a small matter in itself, but it just explains

your whole attitude to your position here.

Another lecture? If that's what you want to call it.

In that case, I'll be brief. I'm fed up with the way you keep rushing over here

with some little quibble about the way I'm running this estate.

I know you have no real quarrel, so why do you keep finding fault?

I'l tell you why. Firstly, because you want to prove to everybody

that you're still Dame High and Mighty around here,

and secondly because you rather enjoy coming over here to see me.

Nonsense.

You simply cannot accept the fact that I'm boss.

It goes against 400 years of chronic inbreeding.

I don't think we have anything further to say.

I haven't finished yet.

Providing you leave your grumbles at home, you're welcome here any time.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I didn't say you weren't wanted, Audrey.

Well, you said a lot of other things.

They needed saying. Now, what about having lunch with me next Saturday?

Providing it's a nice day. Why does it have to be a nice day?

Because I thought we might go for a picnic.

Déjeuner sur l'herbe, you know, after the painting by Monet.

Manet. Are you sure?

Quite sure. I won't argue. Just say you'll come.

Well, I'l have a look in my diary. I'm not sure if I'm free.

Please. It'll do us both good to get off the estate.

Where were you thinking of going? A field beside a stream.

Something simple. We used to have wonderful picnics.

The hampers from Fortnum's, the table set out under the trees,

and afterwards punting on the river.

The girls in straw hats and parasols and the men in blazers and boaters.

Those were the days. Yes.

Of course, I don't remember the '30s. Neither do I.

Brabinger told me about it. Long before my time.

Well, are you coming, then? Of course.

Mind you, it doesn't alter a single world I said. Till Saturday.

Rector, do we have to have this raft in here?

This is supposed to be a Guide hut.

Ah, but it's also a Scout hut, Miss Frobisher.

On Tuesdays and Fridays it's a Guide hut,

and I'm about to give a first-aid class.

Couldn't you do that outside? It is a lovely evening.

Rector, that's not the point. Evening, Rector. Marjory.

What are you doing here? I am the county commissioner, Marjory.

I thought I'd come along and give my annual inspection.

You might have told me.

Well, as you're here, Commissioner, perhaps you can do something about this.

What is it? It's a raft.

What shoddy frapping. Frapping?

It's a knot-tying term. Oh, I know that. I'm surprised you do.

Yes, we're getting ready for the race on Saturday.

Oh, yes, in aid of the new Scout hut.

Well, no, not any longer.

We've been presented with the most generous gift, a completely new hut.

Oh! For the Scouts.

Who on earth gave you that?

An anonymous donor. Who?

We don't know. Don't be silly, Rector.

It's impossible to keep anything a secret in this parish.

Well, let's just say we do know, but we don't.

I bet it's Richard DeVere. If's just the sort of unselfish thing he'd do.

DeVere unselfish? He wouldn't even give Sp to sponsor the crew.

Whois it, Rector? Mr DeVere.

I don't believe it.

Well, I have it on the authority of my Cub leader.

Well, if that is the case, it's only because I shamed him into doing it.

I took him severely to task for not sponsoring our crew.

When? Yesterday.

Ah, but we've known about this for nearly a week.

Well, who told you? My new Cub leader.

You new Cub leader seems to be remarkably well informed.

Yes. Well, ask him yourself. Here he is.

AUDREY: Oh, evening, Mr Spalding. Evening.

Well, Rector, perhaps you and your new Cub leader

would remove this contraption so I can get on with my inspection.

Certainly, Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton. We always had envisaged a trial launch.

Well, come along, boys. All hands to the raft.

You'll have to tip it up.

Now, girls, today we're going to do multiple fractures.

Now, when you have a multiple fracture, you need a stretcher,

and to make a stretcher, you need two coats.

Deborah, Sara, did you manage to find two suitable posts for me?

Well done.

Now, you thread the posts through the sleeves of the coats.

That's right.

There you are. A nice, strong stretcher.

Now, we put the patient onto the stretcher.

Careful. She's got a fractured skull.

Among other things.

This is supposed to be an inspection. It's chaotic.

Well, if we'd had a little warning, we could have had a rehearsal.

To save you further embarrassment, I'd better take over.

I don't see why. This is a perfectly normal first-aid class.

Is it?

I'l give them a talk on outdoor cooking drill.

You don't know the first thing about it.

Settle them down.

Now, quiet, please, everybody.

Quiet.

Pay attention, please. And, Sara, don't do that.

The commissioner has very kindly suggested

that she should take the class.

Sara, I said don't do it.

Now, the commissioner's going to tell us everything she knows about camp cooking,

so it shouldn't take a minute.

Commissioner.

Now, then. I expect you've all been to camp.

But this sort of thing comes in useful even on the average family picnic.

Always remember, be prepared.

Now, these are the things you should have handy.

A, uh, jackknife for cutting turf.

We don't want the farmer complaining about the mess made by our camp fire.

And it is a good idea if the jackknife has a tin opener attachment.

A tin with dry matches.

A polythene bag in which you keep your dry kindling.

Insect repellent, lint, iodine.

And a forked stick to hang the dixie on.

Isn't it rather small? It looks like a catapult.

It could also be used as a catapult.

Now, if you happen to find yourself in the desert,

you'll need a piece of cotton and a safety pin for boiling an egg.

Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton, I really must protest.

Now, what's the matter, Rector? Your Guides have sabotaged our raft.

Why should they want to do that?

They never miss an opportunity to upset my Scouts. Just look what they've done.

It's come apart. I did warn you, Rector.

Warn me? I told you that frapping was no good.

This is nothing to do with the frapping. Somebody removed the main joists.

Well, it wasn't the Guides. It's obviously a rival Scout group.

Yes, I doubt that, Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton. Those are our joists down there.

Oh, no, Rector. Those are just two poles we found lying around

to make a stretcher, didn't we, Deborah?

Deborah?

I thought as much. Sabotage.

You're very quick to condemn, Rector. I'm sure Deborah acted in all innocence.

Yes, I doubt that, Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton.

I've had trouble with her in my confirmation class.

Well, perhaps we'd all better give a hand.

Now, come along, girls. You may have a chance to practise your first aid.

Those are our joists! Be careful of the stretcher.

I insist that those joists are returned to us, Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton.

Very well, Rector. Marjory, let the rector have his joists, will you?

Not that I think your shipwreck was anything to do with us.

That raft is a thoroughly botched job.

[Creaking]

Tell me, Rector, where did you get your joists from?

RICHARD: This seems like as good a place as any.

Yes. You're quite right, Richard. It is wonderful to get away from the estate.

And especially wonderful to be alone with you.

Thank you.

Right, let's see if we can find a nice spot to have lunch.

There was no need for you to have brought anything.

I thought I should. No, no.

I've got everything that we need.

Oh, dear. It's empty.

Just as well I brought mine.

Never mind. I think that we can do better than that.

Come with me.

Oh, Richard!

May I escort you to luncheon?

You may. Indeed you may.

Oh. Thank you.

How do I look? Very debonair.

How about this? Enchanting.

Richard, this is magical.

Well, to our déjeuner sur l'herbe.

Bon appétit, cher Richard.

Richard...

Hm? I think you've been deceiving me.

What makes you say that? You've donated a new Scout hut.

Oh, that. Without saying a word to me about it.

Well, it was supposed to be anonymous.

Sorry. No, I should be apologising to you.

Don't be silly. Yes, I should and I do.

I'm sorry. I behaved rather badly.

Do you know something, Audrey? Sometimes you're really very sweet.

Thank you. So are you.

That was a marvellous picnic. I's not over yet.

A punt? How wonderful.

Yes, I thought we might go up the river on it.

Do you know how to use a punt pole?

Yes, of course.

Now, Audrey, if you'd just like to untie the mooring and jump in.

Mr DeVere, can we have our props back now?

Later. Mr Bailey wants them back now.

Props? Go away.

What props? Your hat and his blazer and boater.

Tell Mr Bailey he'll have to wait. I'm paying for the advertising, not him.

What advertising?

It's a promotion for al fresco salad cream, for your déjeuner sur 'herbe.

Advertising for a salad cream?

Audrey, I can explain.

No, no, no, no. You wanted to go down the river.

Don't do that. I...

Off you go. Oh. No... No...

I've never been in one of these before.

There. (Cheering)

Uh, can you stop? No, stop.

If you come down here, you're going to crash into me.

AUDREY: Richard, pole into the side. I'm trying to pole into the side!

AUDREY: Very quickly. RICHARD: Audrey, can't you do something?

Why can't you get it into the side? There's going to be an accident.

Boys!

Boys, you're going to crash into me.

Stop.

Oh, Richard.