Original subtitles

Morning, Mrs Patterson.

Is my shopping ready?

Yes, it is.

Except for the royal game soup. We haven't got any of that, dear.

Why not? There's no call for it.

Of course there is. I called for it.

We can't cater for singular tastes.

That's £5.37, in all.

And a large bloomer, please.

One large bloomer.

That's £5.37 plus 22p,

that's er... £5.64.

Are you sure?

£5.64.

I'l add it all up again if you like, dear.

No, don't bother. What about the sherry?

Oh, I have to take separate for that.

£5.64.

Six pounds.

That's...

36p change.

Thank you. Oh, the sherry.

There we are. That's £1.72, please.

And a ninepenny stamp, please.

You'll have to go to the post office for that, dear.

This is the post office.

No, dear, this is the off-licence. Post office is over there.

So, £1.72...

two pounds...

that's 26p change.

-28p. -Is it?

Yes.

Ooh, that'll be another 2p, then.

What was the other thing? A ninepenny stamp.

And I'll pay for my papers while I'm here.

No, have to take separate for that.

There you are, dear.

Honestly. The price of ninepenny stamps these days.

They've always been 9p, dear.

Nine pence. A pea is a little green vegetable that grows in a pod.

Now, may I pay for my papers, Mrs P?

1p change.

Let's see, it's Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton from the Manor, isn't it?

No, from the old lodge, regrettably.

Still Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton, though? Most certainly.

Regrettably.

What was that?

How are you finding the old lodge?

Very small.

There's a nice man up the Manor now - Mr DeVere.

Gets his cigars here, specially ordered. They've just come in.

I thought you couldn't cater for singular tastes.

I have to think of my profit, dear.

I mean, there's a difference between one tin of game soup and a box of Havanas.

That's £2.40 for the papers.

As much as that? You haven't paid for three weeks.

Three pounds.

£2.40, that's...

60 pence change.

No, dear, I forgot to add the delivery charge, so that's exactly right.

Very nice man, Mr DeVere.

(Laughs) They say he's knocking hell out of the Manor.

Is he, indeed? How much is this breaded ham?

Not for sale, dear. I'm keeping that back for Mrs Cartwright.

Linda's mother? Young Linda's calling for it later on.

But Linda is my domestic.

We're all supposed to be equal now, dear, aren't we?

(Shop bell)

Oh, hello! Fancy seeing you here.

Good morning, Mr DeVere. Good morning.

Mr DeVere. Your cigars have arrived, sir.

And your Horse & Hound.

Oh, thank you. Horse & Hound! I'd no idea you hunted.

Oh, yes! Hunting and shooting and fishing, what!

It's expected of the squire, don't you know? I'd better pay you, Mrs Patterson.

Oh, any time, sir. No hurry.

Oh.

Are you walking?

So I am. I wondered what I was doing.

Look at this. Who'd have thought you could find something like this in the village?

Can I offer you a lift?

Well, if it's not taking you out of your way...

Hardly, I live next door.

I know, Mr DeVere. Believe me, I know.

Put this in here. Thank you.

There we are. Thank you.

You're very quiet.

Is something bothering you?

Only the injustices of life, that's all.

Hm.

I must say, I'm surprised you have to do your own shopping.

The girl who usually does it is taking my typing course.

Yes, I saw your advertisement. I notice you didn't apply.

I wasn't brought up to do that sort of thing.

(Chuckles) Well, we'll train you.

I'm going to need every good secretary I can get when my business gets going here.

This is not Threadneedle Street, Mr DeVere.

I thought you'd be pleased. I'm bringing wealth to an underprivileged area.

Who is the girl you're sending on this typing course?

Linda Cartwright, the horsey one.

She works for you? Yes.

General domestic, does my shopping, that sort of thing.

Who does your shopping?

Linda Cartwright used to do it.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I didn't know. She didn't say.

No, she wouldn't.

I expect you're paying her far more than I could.

I'll send her back. I won't accept her.

Anyway, she probably belongs to NUDE or some such thing.

NUDE?

National Union of Domestic Employees.

You'll have them picketing your bathroom.

I really am terribly sorry. She isn't that good, anyway.

My mother always said you could tell a hard-working domestic by her knees.

If they were worn, employ her.

I have my doubts about Linda's knees.

I didn't notice her knees.

Nice legs, though.

I'm told you're busy knocking hell out of the Manor.

Nothing drastic.

I'm leaving the foundations.

No, I'm just making the old study into my office, that's all.

We call it functionalising.

Yes, you would.

And there'll be a few other changes.

You'd be surprised how well the computer bank

blends in with the fruitwood panelling in the ballroom.

It's all right, I'm only joking.

Really?

A horse.

What? A horse, slow down.

Slower, snail's pace.

You're in the country now.

We don't roar past horses at 90 miles an hour here, honking our Colonel Bogey hooters.

Who is the girl you're sending on this typing course?

Linda Cartwright, the girl who used to do your shopping.

Linda Cartwright.

And who was that girl on the horse?

BOTH: Linda Cartwright.

Yes, I noticed the knees.

Thank you. You didn't play with the gadgets.

Gadgets? Yes, you didn't touch the reclining seats

or use the electric windows, or even ask me to make a phone call.

I do have a Rolls of my own, you know.

Yes, I've seen it. Is it still running?

Thank you, Mr DeVere.

See you around.

Mr...DeVere...

Oh, well.

Mine, I think.

Brabinger? Coming, madam.

What on earth's going on?

I'm doing the rewiring, madam.

With a pigeon?

No, madam, I found it floating in the water tank.

Eurgh! My bath water comes from that.

I washed in that, I've drunk it. I've even arranged flowers in that water.

I thought they lasted longer.

That is not funny, Brabinger.

May I remind you, you are still downstairs, even though you live upstairs?

Anyway, we've had the place rewired.

But this is my system, madam.

Permit me to demonstrate.

There you are, madam.

Most impressive, Brabinger!

What is it? It's a bell indicator, madam.

Does it work? But of course, madam.

Now, I will ring the front door bell,

while you, madam, put yourself in my position.

Excuse the expression. You mean I stand here watching that thing?

Just so.

(Buzzer)

Did you see, madam?

Yes, I did. If I'd been in your position, I would've gone to the conservatory.

Crossed wires, no doubt.

Brabinger, we haven't got a conservatory.

I'l just have to do a little fiddling in the junction box.

We have enough wires to put a bell push in every room, madam, including the bathroom.

I can't think why I should want to summon you to the bathroom.

(Buzzer)

Someone wants you in Bedroom 5, Brabinger.

Teething trouble, madam.

Ah, Miss Frobisher.

What's she doing in Bedroom 5?

Back door, madam.

Hello. Hello, Marjory.

What's that pigeon doing? I found it...

Brabinger shot it, didn't you?

If you say so, madam. I's sopping wet.

He was using a water pistol.

Good shot, Brabinger.

Marjory, fight your way through to the drawing room. I've got some things to tell you.

Yes, right.

First, Brabinger, I want you to run every tap in the house

until the water in that tank has been changed at least three times.

Yes, madam. -Then get something I forgot when I drove back.

Yes, madam. What is it? The car.

Whatever's happening at the Manor?

So, it's true.

The wretched man is knocking hell out of the place.

Perhaps he's seeing to the dry rot and the rising damp and the death-watch beetle.

No, Marjory, he is func-tionalise-ising.

I don't know what that means, but it's bound to be flashy and vulgar.

If it deals with the dry rot and the rising damp, and the death-watch beetle...

I hope you're not standing up for him? Yes, I don't think he's as bad as you make out.

No?

Then answer me this.

I don't mind having to move here.

I can learn to live in this shoe box.

I can put up with having to turn a corner every two feet

and treading in Bertie's bowl every five minutes.

But I resent DeVere running off with my domestics and telling me to become a typist

and getting credit from Mrs Patterson when I have to pay cash

and put up with her calling me "dear" and telling me we're all equal now.

On top of that, she gives DeVere a breaded ham I wanted to buy

which she was saving for Linda Cartwright's mother.

The whole fabric of society's becoming irreparably unstitched.

Well?

What was the question again?

I've forgotten. But you know how I feel.

After all, I want to get on with him. But how can I when he patronises me?

I'm sure he doesn't mean to, Aud.

Isn't this you at Badminton? Mm, yes, it is.

I didn't know you had this. Brabinger found it when we unpacked.

Isn't that the Queen you're talking to?

Yes, so it is. I remember, she was there.

Aren't you going to put it up?

I don't want to be ostentatious.

And I can't find anywhere suitable. The mantelpiece?

You won't get it on that little thing.

That was designed for people who expected no more than a get-well card.

Now what's he up to?

I don't believe it! What's happened now?

DeVere is throwing out that lovely old fireplace from Marton's study.

Aud, what a whopper! You've always hated that fireplace.

This is too much, he has to be stopped.

It was put there in the war to cover up the big hearth during the fuel shortage.

That's not the point. The other week, you said it how ugly it was.

Of course, I know that. But does he? I doubt if he could tell a good fireplace from Adam.

I'm going to go and have words.

Golly, Aud. Ring for Brabinger.

What? Well, he told me he's put bells everywhere.

Oh, Brabinger, I can't find the bell anywhere.

It's here, madam.

You rang, madam?

Yes, Brabinger.

I am going across to the Manor so lunch will be a little late.

You will stay, won't you, Marjory?

We've got a rather good breaded ham.

(Knock at door)

Mrs Fforbes is here.

Oh.

Well, show her in.

I hope you enjoyed your typing lesson, Linda.

Exhausting, was it? Yes, ma'am.

I'm not surprised, you were sitting all wrong.

The cover to the nose bands goes under the side strap.

And the bit was far too low.

But I expect that'll be the next lesson in Mr DeVere's typing course.

Yes, ma'am.

Are you sure you wouldn't like her back?

No, thank you, she's your domestic problem now.

This is an unexpected pleasure.

Not for me. I've come to see what's left of our house.

It's still standing. Only just.

I see what you mean about bringing wealth to the area.

I suppose this is where you'll be bringing it to?

A genuine old Chubb, circa 1977.

Doubtless the work of the great Otto Chubb of Heidelberg,

cabinet makers to the gnomes of Zurich.

It's just a safe. You'll hardly notice it when it's finished.

Of course not. And it's so much more elegant than an antique Adam fireplace.

I wouldn't say that. Then why did you throw it out?

Oh.

I thought it was just an old fireplace.

Just an old fireplace?

Don't you realise you are throwing away the nation's heritage?

It didn't belong to the nation, it was mine.

Even so, it was a valuable piece.

And it's better than the one I've got in my drawing room. I can't get a horse on that.

Why are you keeping horses in your drawing room?

A picture of a horse...

and me...and the Queen.

The Queen?

Oh, hello, Mrs Poo. Did you say the Queen?

Yes, it's just a little memento of the time I won the cross-country at Badminton.

I never talk about it.

Oh, what a lovely thing to have on your mantelpiece!

That's just it, Mrs Poo.

My mantelpiece isn't large enough.

My picture deserves a more elegant mantelpiece.

Like the one your son has seen fit to throw on the scrapheap.

Oh, Bedrich, ring for the girl.

We would like something to drink. Please don't trouble.

No need to drink a loyal toast every time someone mentions royalty.

I insist.

And Bedrich needs your advice.

I know, Mrs Poo, but he never takes it.

This time, he will.

He wants to buy a horse. Just one?

To start with. I'm going to the dealer's tomorrow.

I would be very grateful if you'd come with me and give me the benefit of your experience.

But why me?

Because you and the Queen know about horses and he doesn't.

Bedrich, ring the bell.

I have. Well, ring it again.

Of course, I'm very flattered, but I don't see why he should need any help.

I want him to have a test drive before he buys.

Surely you can handle that?

Well, no, as a matter of fact, I couldn't.

He's never been on a horse in his life.

To tell you the truth, I'm scared stiff of the bloody things.

Bedrich, manners!

Where is that girl?

I like to be in control, you see. Horses aren't the same as cars.

True, you can't make phone calls from a horse.

So would you come with me tomorrow?

Please? I'd be delighted.

Let's drink to that.

Did you have any trouble with the bells when you lived here?

None at all. But if you will pull the house to p... Oh, my God.

I've just thought of something. About the bells?

I've just thought that I've got a guest coming for lunch.

Will you excuse me? I'm so sorry, but I really must dash.

What time tomorrow? Give me a ring...on the phone, that is.

Goodbye.

Such a lady.

To think she has the Queen on her mantelpiece!

So what? So what?

So what have you got over your mantelpiece?

Just some old painting you found somewhere.

Yes, Sotheby's.

Bedrich, I've got an idea.

Mrs Fforbes-Hamilton is doing something for you.

Now, maybe you can do something for her,

and for the Queen.

The Queen?

She's always saying that her mantelpiece is too small.

Well, why don't you give her the one you took out of there?

Do you know, Mother, that's a very good idea.

Brabinger?

I want a word about your bell indicator.

It didn't occur to me to ask where you got it from, but the bells at the Manor aren't functioning.

What on earth have you two been up to?

I was fitting a bell mounting beside the fire.

While he was drilling... The whole fireplace collapsed!

Brabinger, you will shortly be joining the ranks of the unemployed.

No, wait, Aud.

Underneath that horrid fireplace is a real Portland stone hearth. It's beautiful!

Oh, yes! It is beautiful.

The old one came apart in my hands, madam.

It must've been blocked up during the war.

I've cleared up the mess. We'll have it in working order in no time.

If anyone mentions bell indicators to me, I shall say I've never seen one.

I never have until today.

Thank you, madam. The chimney's open.

I wonder if it should be swept.

Brabinger!

Good shot, Brabinger.

He's having quite a good bag today, isn't he?

Stay there.

Mr DeVere? Mr Trotter, isn't it?

Correct. Mrs DeVere?

Let's see, a hunter, wasn't it?

We're hoping it still is.

(Horse whinnies)

What sort of price? Oh, price isn't important.

Bring out Plymouth's Rock.

(Horse whinnies)

Intermediate eventer, this. Perfect confirmation.

Mouth like felt.

A snip at 5,000.

Well, er...what do you think?

If he's showing us the top half, the snag will be down below.

I'm looking for a horse, not a cleaner.

Bowed tendon.

Mr Trotter, has this horse been fired?

Not as far as I know, ma'am.

Genuine animal, this. Good few seasons left in this horse.

Yes pantomime seasons.

What else have you got?

What do you think of Fearless?

Seems very pleasant.

3,000 to you.

This horse wasn't broken fill it was five years old.

I've seen him clear a five-foot fence out of a trot.

Haven't you, Fearless?

Well, what do you say? No.

What was wrong with it? The name.

He's called Fearless because Trotter knows damn well he's an absolute coward.

It's an old trick.

If anyone ever offers you a horse called Utter Rubbish, buy it.

Mr Trotter, we're looking for something suitable for someone to learn on.

Who exactly is this horse for, ma'am?

Is it for yourself? Yes, it is.

What weight would you say? About 15 stone.

Bring out Goliath.

I think this horse will suit.

Real good Christian, this.

Looks impressive, doesn't he?

No bone, big body and the legs aren't strong enough for it.

Could have done with this horse at Cheltenham a couple of years back.

Yes. I'm sure you'd have got a much better view of the course.

What about that horse?

No, that's not really what I'd call a horse, ma'am.

Yes, very nice.

Yes, I think he's just the thing.

Actually, he's my own horse, ma'am.

I wouldn't part with him, not for any price.

How much? He's not for sale, ma'am.

750. Sold.

Well, I make it that I owe you £4,250.

(Laughs) Don't be silly.

You saved me a lot of money and bought me a good horse.

True. You'll be all right on him.

No neuroses and he'll stay sound. Last you for ages.

I wouldn't have been any the wiser if you'd bought me an old boneshaker

with dodgy front legs which threw me, then bit me on the way down.

How do you know I haven't?

Trust.

After all, we have to live with each other.

Well, near each other.

You know it's quite extraordinary that that safe seems to throw out a comforting glow,

just like a fire.

It must be all the money in there.

Is it really full of money? Of course. Would you like to see?

No, thank you.

I don't want to spoil a lovely evening by looking at anything vulgar.

I never ever thought I'd dine out wearing breeches.

Caused quite a stir at the Harborough Arms.

It'll be all round the neighbourhood tomorrow. It's all your fault.

Why wouldn't you let me go home and change?

Ah.

Well, you see, Audrey...

May I call you Audrey? We've known each other quite a while.

Yes, we have.

Perhaps you'd call me Richard. Perhaps.

Well, you see, Audrey... I've got a surprise for you.

Oh, lovely! I adore surprises nice ones, that is.

Where is it? At your place.

It was my mother's idea, but I wanted to give you something to show my esteem, so I did.

And it's at my place? Yes. Shall we stroll across...and see?

Madam, I'm so glad you're back.

Sorry, I should have let you know. Everything all right?

No, madam, I've had a difficult day.

Tell me all about it tomorrow. Where's my surprise?

In here. I tried to stop them,

but Mrs Polouvicka, she threatened me.

What?

She discovered my bell indicator.

Oh.

Well, aren't you pleased, Audrey?

You can get the Queen on here now.

Do you realise what you've done?

I'm preserved the nation's heritage. Do you approve?

Approve?

You told me it was genuine Adam.

We can't go chucking away things like that.

I knew it.

I knew you'd spoil my evening by showing me something vulgar.

Vulgar? No, it's a genuine antique, this. You told me so yourself.

I think you're jolly lucky to get it.

You can keep it in trust for future generations. Think of that.

I am, Mr DeVere, I am.

It's a little present to say thank you. You got me a new horse, I got you an old fireplace.

I'm glad you approve, you can have the other one.

What other one? The one I took out of the library.

And behind that was the original Inglenook hearth.

You've never seen anything so beautiful.

I think I might have done, briefly.