Original subtitles

Hey, the girl's just about to go wild.

Listen, dear, I need to talk to you.

Just watching a documentary about, uh, breast cancer.

Oh, those brave young doctors spending their spring break to cure the silent killer.

Now, listen, dear, I don't want my grandchild to be born out of wedlock.

Well, me neither, but Kelly isn't ready to get married to me yet.

Well, I'm running for president of my condo association.

And this will be a disastrous scandal.

Well, I know I could win it for sure, but you're gonna have to kill Bin Laden.

My opponent is tough.

She's running on a platform that will allow green as an exterior door color.

Oh, my God, that's trivial.

Well, I couldn't think of anything else.

Look, I am prepared to offer you $15,000 to get married before the baby comes.

Look, you can't bribe me to get married.

Fine.

Make it $16,000.

Would you just stop it?

Look, Dad gave you that money.

You have to keep it, you know, so you don't become a burden to me.

See, if you got married, you wouldn't need to watch

those filthy little breast cancer documentaries.

Quick, put your hand up.

Oh, thank you.

No, thank you.

Hey, baby, can you hand me an ink?

Oh, wash your hand first, you animal.

It came out of a chicken's ass.

No, honey, it didn't.

You know what?

I don't want you to go into the delivery room after all.

You'll just be confused.

Hey, listen, you won't believe just what happened a few minutes ago.

Yeah.

My mom offered us $16,000 if we could get married before the baby comes.

What?

She's crazy.

I would have done it for five.

Well, you know, I'd never get tired of this bit

about how marrying me for love would be ridiculous.

Come on, it would be ridiculous if I didn't love you so much.

But, I mean...

I think we're ready to get married now, Drew, don't you?

Oh, okay, I get it.

Lucy with the football, they get a head start.

No, no, no, no!

No, I'm serious, come on.

I know that you want to marry me for the right reasons now, and not just because

I'm pregnant with what's almost certainly your child.

You'd better not be messing with me, because after

eight months of begging, I'm a little fragile.

No.

I know that you love me for me, and I'm ready.

Come on, Drew, ask me.

Come on, come on.

All right, here goes.

Kelly, I love you.

Will you marry me?

How soon do you need an answer?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm stupid, and it's not funny.

I thought it was funny, it's not.

It's not funny.

Of course I'll marry you.

I can't believe how many times I pictured this

exact moment right down to the meat in your hair.

Well, you know, we have a month until the baby comes.

I'm sure I can plan a wedding in a couple weeks.

Boy, you were never this keen on getting married for the baby comes before.

Yeah, I know, honey, but now that I'm this big, I'm thinking I'm

not gonna lose all the weight, so I gotta nail somebody down.

You know, it's one thing to joke about me not being the father.

Don't you ever joke about not losing the weight.

No,

I know it's a piece of my time, and there's a father caught me inside my

clothes, thinking that the world looks fine, yeah, I believe.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to this rehearsal

brunch in such short notice and helping out the wedding.

Now, we got the park, but everybody has to be there at

2 o'clock sharp because the sprinklers go on at 2.45.

So, you're not going to be working on Saturday,

because this is the first I heard of it.

Well, Mr. Wick, it's my wedding.

Yes, but I've got paperwork to do, and when I'm alone, I hear spooky noises.

Oh, and once you have Mimi come in, she doesn't just scare the living, you know?

That's a good one.

Hand me the ninja star for my purse.

I took it out.

I thought it was gonna poke a hole in your diaphragm.

I'm not worried about that thing.

It's taken a lot of punishment over the years.

Now, the father of the bride likes to say a few words.

Well, the only thing a father really wants in

this world is for his little girl to be happy.

When I see her with... well, guess who's late to her own daughter's rehearsal brunch?

Let me guess.

You and your janitor boyfriend hit the liquor

store for a cold 40 and some scratchers?

A cold 40?

What a brilliant description of our years together.

For your information, Don, we stopped to get Kelly some flowers.

Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but let's just say we had sex in the bathroom.

Oh, no.

And with Louis.

All right.

As I was saying, all a father really wants for his

daughter is sex in the bathroom with a janitor.

No, why stop there?

Next time, try a homeless man in a dumpster.

Don, you are an angry little man who was fired for punching

a co-worker over a fantasy baseball trade gone wrong.

You know I left to start my own business.

Oh, you walk around all day talking into a dead phone.

I follow at the core.

The other end goes into the air conditioning vent.

Well, the things you see when you black out and wake up under a coffee table.

Okay.

Don, father of the bride, how about a big hand?

40 years of marriage, they must be doing something right then.

Anywho, I would like to make a toast to Kelly.

When I look around at all my friends and

relatives, I realize that the love in this room...

Now, Don,

you already had your toast.

Listen, listen!

This is my wedding.

I know you guys are miserable, but can't you just be happy for me?

I am, sweetheart.

It's your father who refuses to be civil about this.

Why can't we just accept that sometimes adults make love in public restrooms?

No, no, no, no.

That is it, Lewis.

You have to leave.

Well, if he's leaving, I'm leaving.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't leave on my account, because I'm over you.

This one was checking me out earlier.

Maybe I'll do her in the toilet.

Excuse me?

Hey, that's my mother.

You'll do her in the bedroom like everybody else.

He's up four steps, baby.

He means well.

Oh, please, please, everybody.

Just be quiet.

Let Drew finish his speech.

Yeah, shut up, Don.

My daughter asked you to leave.

Don't get over it!

You're the one talking into the air conditioner.

Well said.

Hey, back off, Grand Milf.

You're the one dating the janitor.

Oh, you can see my date?

I thought you were blind.

That's it.

Okay, I'll take care of that stuff.

Where do you want it?

Cat or gut?

I'll get him first.

You can dishonor the court.

What's going on in City Hall?

I was thinking the same thing, Drew, but my car's plucked in.

Hey, can you give us a ride down to City Hall?

Are you sure you want to go over there?

That's kind of a real fairy.

I'll take my chances.

What the hell?

How are you doing?

Uh, I'm getting a burst of mini fresh flavor.

I'm here, you know.

I spent the last 30 years restoring this car.

Lared my mother in a cardboard box so I could afford those original formats.

Yeah, but my brother's bad.

I have to kiss the bride.

I don't care what you gotta do.

As long as nobody eats anything in my...

Why am I out with?

I think my water just broke.

Oh, man, my floor mats.

Quick, Tony, you gotta get us to the Cleveland Clinic.

How about I just drop you here?

Sure.

Your condition, you shouldn't have any problem flagging somebody down.

Come on, man.

You gotta get us to the hospital.

Hang on, honey.

We'll be there in a minute.

Well, you might as well have your gum now.

That car's full of baby juice.

Well,

the mother of your child's at three centimeters.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what that means.

I thought I had a couple more weeks left to study.

It means she could be two hours.

She could be two days.

Every woman's different.

Hey, honey.

Great news.

This could be another two days.

You think that two days of labor is great?

How about I punch you in the testicles for two days?

We'll see how great you think that is.

No, I mean, we still have time to get married for the baby this year.

Well, Drew, I'm in labor.

The bastard ship has sailed.

No, I don't want my baby born out of wedlock.

Look, he's already a carry.

That makes him a dodgeball target.

I don't want to paint a bullseye on his back.

Great.

Okay.

I'll go find a minister.

And you spent some more time putting the defibrillator on your nipples.

Yeah, I heard you.

Oh, honey, we came as soon as we got the message.

Have they given you any Demerol yet?

No, Mom.

No.

Would you like some?

Mom, I'm doing this naturally.

You must just be at the very beginning.

Okay, Mom and Ed, you stay here, take care of Kelly.

You guys come with me.

There's a chapel downstairs.

Maybe we can find a minister.

Can't wait till Kelly has the baby.

I love that new baby smell.

It's almost as good as new car smell.

Hey, you know, if you put a new baby in a new car, that'd be the best smell ever.

Through this holy unction, may the Lord pardon

thee whatever sins or faults thou hast removed.

Please, get out of the room.

I'm giving this man the last right.

Look, his girlfriend's giving birth.

He needs to get married, okay?

You can help save the baby from being born out of wedlock and going to hell.

It'd really mean a lot to me if he let me get married before my kid comes.

I wish I could help, but I promised Mr. Clark that I

would stay with him until he goes to be with the Lord.

Well, just a little ballpark estimate here.

Let's say the Lord was making dinner for Mr. Clark.

When would he put the noodles on?

I can't answer that.

Wait a minute.

What's that?

He's gone.

Grab your oil.

Let's rock, Padre.

Nice.

Try.

Nice try, boys.

He's not even hooked up to anything.

I'm really sorry.

Their spines aren't hooked up to anything.

My hands are tied.

I'd love to perform your marriage, but I cannot leave, Mr. Clark.

She's coming.

I suppose this is no sillier than those hippie weddings naked on a cliff.

Hey, if you can protest the war and hang on to a man at the same time, you do it.

I always thought I'd get married wearing a wedding dress and a veil and underwear.

But the breeze is refreshing, so let's do this.

Is that a dead guy?

No, but I'm beginning to think he's hanging on just to spite us.

True.

True.

I do not want a dying man at my wedding.

Oh, come on.

That's not like it's an omen or anything about

what your married life's going to be like.

Well, we can at least close the curtain.

Don't you want to introduce yourself?

If he's going to hell, it'd be nice to know someone when you get there.

I know this is going to be hard for you.

This is the only way we can do this.

You okay?

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I don't know what it is.

The dying guy, the priest, the smell of disinfectant.

But I'm so horny right now.

You were worth waiting for, Larry Almona.

Can we just get on with this thing?

Drew's going to have his hands full.

Kelly's turning into a real princess.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to

join this couple in the bonds of holy macaroni.

Okay, okay.

Her contractions are getting very close.

I need to check her.

What an awkward, sexy moment.

Okay, she's almost fully dilated.

We've got to get her upstairs now.

No, no, no.

Just one more minute.

One more minute.

I'm sorry.

There's a waiting room downstairs.

You can come with us.

Maybe you can bury us in the hallway.

I've already explained to you.

I can't.

Well, thanks for nothing.

And by the way, sex with women?

Fantastic.

How are you feeling?

To be honest, Doc, I'm a little scared.

I think he needs me, honey.

I would be better.

Why don't you shut up, do your job, and get that damn thing out of me.

You see?

That's why I'm scared.

Mr. Clark has passed on.

Is it too late for the wedding?

No, but hurry, because we can see the top of the best man's head.

No!

We're gonna do this now!

Come on, it's just something to pass the time.

Do you, Kelly, take this man through?

Yes, yes, I do!

Do you, Drew, take this woman, Kelly, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah, what do you think?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Aw, we were so close.

I had a glass of wine a month ago.

How many towels?

He's... he's blind.

He's just blind.

Oh, Drew.

He's beautiful.

He's so pretty.

Oh, you did great, honey.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

Uh, Father, um, he was half out during the vows.

Couldn't he be legitimate from the waist down?

Uh, I stopped at the vending machine on the way up here,

so we can count that time and say he was born in wedlock.

We did it.

He looks just like his mom, so he really hit the jackpot.

You know, honey, we never did settle on a name.

I'm so exhausted from all this.

Why don't you pick?

Well, maybe we should name him after the man

who's kind enough to die and give us a priest.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

What was Mr. Clark's first name?

Ennis.

Drew Jr. it is.

Well, nothing to do now except say thanks.

So thanks.

It was a lot of fun.

Good night.

Thanks a lot.

God bless.