Original subtitles

Why don't you have to invite Kelly's dad to watch the fight with us?

It's gonna be like watching the fight with somebody's dad.

Kelly wants us to be like father and son.

Why?

So he can stand there drinking scotch out of the bottle with no pants on screaming?

I could have been an architect if it weren't for you!

No, you know, the whole time I was married, Daryl and my father didn't get along.

Okay, now with the baby coming, it's very important to me.

Also, he's still mad at me for knocking her up.

So don't do anything embarrassing, okay?

You're representing me.

Damn, I was gonna greet him with a long, grindy

hug and then stare at him with moist, parted lips.

Don, how you doing?

Come on in.

Good, good.

My spot start could be great.

There's my little girl at home.

Come on in, sit down.

Make yourself at home.

Ooh.

Look at that.

It's your favorite artichoke, Dick.

I am going to be right back with a bloody marry, three pieces of celery.

Thanks, honey.

Celery keeps me regular.

Alcohol keeps me married to her mother.

That's great.

Hey, the fight's supposed to be great.

Who are you rooting for?

I don't know.

I don't even know who's fighting.

I don't care for boxing.

You know, I bought the artichokes myself for the dip.

Yeah, they're, uh, not a big produce fan.

I had asked the manager, like, what ones to get, but I bought them.

And, you know, they say they have hearts, artichokes.

But they're vegetables.

That's weird.

We had you already paid for the fight.

We could have talked artichokes all day.

All right, Dad, here's your bloody marry.

Thank you.

Hey, honey.

Yeah?

I can't seem to get the fight on.

Well, what does that say?

It says you're not authorized to buy the fight.

What does that mean?

Well, at our house, that means we've ordered

too much pay-per-view, and we're over our limit.

You know, if you push this button, it shows what you ordered.

No!

There must be some kind of mistake.

I'll call it tomorrow.

You know, I guess we won't be able to watch the fight.

Yeah.

Ooh.

You know, it's a... They say it's a flower, the artichoke.

You know, like, uh, whales, a mammal, but it

swims in the sea, so how could be a mammal?

What do you mean, monkeys don't... You know what?

I... I saw a sign for an open house down the block.

We should go.

We should go to the house.

Yeah.

Let's go to the open house.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna take the Bloody Mary in case

he's got another vegetable story up his sleeve.

Welcome, everyone.

Oh, cookies!

Oh, hi, Miss Sandy.

Thank you.

Do you have any questions at all?

It's okay.

Don't worry about them.

They're serious buyers.

Sandy, I have a question.

When we were kids, we lost a lot of balls and frisbees in the backyard, and the old

bag of lift here never gave them back to us.

Will you go check and see if they're still there?

Sure.

Don't run!

They're full of cookies!

Whoa, this place is a steal.

Three bedrooms, two baths.

All it needs is a little carpeting, a coat of

paint, and you can turn it around for a quick buck.

Yeah.

You know, Dad, that's a great idea.

You know what you should do?

You should buy this house and get Drew to help you fix it up, you know?

And you two can share the profits.

Oh, hello.

Oh, come on.

Dad, you've been looking for a project you do ever since you retired, right?

Yeah.

And you two can be partners.

Wow.

Your dad making a big financial commitment that I'm responsible for attempting.

Look, this place could be a real gold mine.

Yeah.

What do you say, Drew?

Come on.

We could use the extra money now that the baby's coming, and it'll give my two

favorite men in the whole wide world a chance to get to know each other better.

Well, I guess I'm in since we've already made up my mind.

Hey, Drew.

Remember when that old lady said we'd get our softball back over her dead body?

Booyah, baby.

Hey, I don't want to be alone with Don.

Can you guys help me renovate this house?

You know, we'd love to, Drew, but I have to put every spare

minute I have into this place if I'm going to make a go of it.

Oh, it's not a favor.

I'll pay you.

Oh, if Kelly were in the bar, a monkey could do it.

You can't renovate a house.

You almost took your eye out with a tape measure.

Hey, that thing whips back pretty fast.

All right.

We're almost done with your application.

As soon as I get back to the office, I'll plug it into the computer.

We'll match you up with the guy of your dreams.

Look, Larry, it's not that I can't meet guys on my own.

I just need a screening process.

The last date asked me to diaper him and put him in a giant crib.

Be surprised how many guys that knocks out.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't mind getting freaky when the Lord's taking a nap.

It's nice to talk to a woman who's comfortable with her sexuality.

Now, what would you consider the perfect evening?

I'm a regular girl.

I like a couple of beers, bowl a few frames, hop the fence at the dump,

shoot holes in crap with my 12-gauge.

I keep a crossbow in my back seat.

I haven't paid at a toll booth in years.

I mean, no one's gonna be a hero over 35 cents, if you know what I mean.

Uh-oh.

About to lose my sitter.

Oh, well, okay, well, this is a... this is a great application.

We're gonna have no problem hooking you up.

Look, you know, I was wrong about you.

You're an okay guy.

Sorry I registered you as a sex offender.

That's why I never get trick-or-treaters.

Hey, Carrie.

So, uh, you're gonna fix Mimi up, huh?

Yep.

Best plan.

Well, you know, there's a lightning storm coming.

Why don't you, uh, find some old body parts, sew them

together, you can reanimate it, put a rose in its hand.

You know, I used to think the same way about Mimi, but I've interviewed thousands

of women, and believe me, she's one of a kind.

Yeah, the other one wouldn't mate with her.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, she's really special.

She wrestled in Mexico.

She pinned La Flaca Grande.

Really?

I knew she fought in Mexico.

I had just always assumed it was against a matador.

Hey, come on, lay off her.

She's really great.

I mean, I'd ask her out myself, but if I got out that

I was hitting on my clients, it could hurt my business.

Let's make sure she gets out of my house quick.

I keep trying to get her to leave.

I slap her on the rump, and he'll get... she just

sniffs the air, comes trotting back in the house.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, I asked the guys to help us out.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, fine, fine.

I got the color palette for the kitchen all figured out, huh?

We're going with a country feel.

Wow, those are some bright colors, Eric.

What's with the chicken tiles?

You plan on opening an, uh, down-home restaurant?

They're accent tiles, Drew.

I know, but don't you want to have some...

something that'll appeal to the most amount of buyers?

I like the chickens, Drew.

I already bought the chickens.

They were on sale.

Maybe I should explain to you why they were on sale, Don.

Kitchens sell homes.

People are tired of cookie-cutter houses.

Well, fine.

If we're going to have a country kitchen, why don't we put a...

a drain in the floor and people can slaughter their own livestock?

Drew, can I just talk to you for one second?

What are you doing, honey?

The whole idea of this was for you and my father to get closer.

And make money, which we can't do if we can't sell the house.

Can you just please try to work with him for me?

Fine.

While we're at it, we'll put a rotating bucket on the chimney.

We could sell takeout.

Boy, you know, if we keep going at this rate, we'll have this place done in no time.

Yeah, you really got to hand it to Don.

The place is looking great.

Who helps warm the room with their homespun charm?

Chickens.

I can't hear you.

The chickens, okay?

I like the stupid chickens.

These before and after pictures are going to look great.

And I erased the part where you hit Oswald in the crotch with a nine-hour.

Hey, you told me you sent that to Funniest Home Videos.

You just wanted to hit me in the crotch.

When I say the last cupcake's for me, it's for me.

Hey.

Hey, Don.

Hey.

What's the basic on the wall?

Well, uh, I've almost finished the prep work.

Huh.

What?

Well, it's nothing.

It's just these seams are a little crooked.

Well, they may be a little lost.

We really have to be looking to see it.

Well, I was looking for it, and I saw it.

All right, do it again, boys.

And this time, do it right.

You just entered a world of hurt, Pops.

It's okay.

It's just wallpaper.

We'll just do it all over until it's perfect.

Right now, I'd like to put his head in a bucket of paste until the bubbles stop.

I was a quality control manager for 30 years.

This is shoddy work.

Now, get a move on.

You can cry about it at home, Mary.

You know, you just wasted our entire day.

We could have been drinking in our car outside of the women's only gym.

Hmm.

Huh.

What?

Well, this is a good effort on the tile.

It turned out a lot better than the wallpaper.

Drop lines are all crooked.

Now, this is supposed to be a nice three -bedroom family home.

Not a crack, Dan.

What's with the freaking whack job?

I don't care how many times you do this work.

It's my money, and it'll do it over and over again until I'm satisfied.

Got it?

Four eyes?

Four eyes?

What are you, 12?

Well, if anybody's being childish, it's you...

overreacting to the little constructive criticism cry, baby.

Hey, quit calling me names.

Well, what do you do to the job, right?

I'll stop calling you names, you big girl.

Fine.

I quit.

Oh, so you're a quitter, too, huh?

Well, Kelly really hit the jackpot.

A four-eyed cry, baby, quitter.

I'm off to eat cherries off every part of your daughter's naked body.

Have a good night.

Hey, you quit?

You know, I just cut off the phone with my father.

He said you did a bunch of shoddy work and then walked out.

Did he tell you what happened before I left?

Yeah.

You're gonna eat cherry pie off my naked body?

That's a lie.

I said I was gonna eat cherries off your naked body.

Only a crazy madman would get cherry pie out of that.

Oh, great.

Great.

Now you're calling my father a madman?

He tore up a whole day's work.

You know why?

Because he said it wasn't perfect.

Well, Drew, he was a quality control supervisor for 30 years.

If he ripped up your work, it wasn't done right, okay?

You were probably cutting corners.

Like you do in bed.

Hey, hey, I thought we both agreed that I was efficient.

No fancy moves, no showboating, you know?

Just the fundamentals.

I'd do the fundamentals.

I'd do them right.

I want you to apologize to my father and go back to work.

Call me a crybaby.

I'm not a cryb... I had a little grout in my eye.

That's it.

I'm not a crybaby.

Nothing wrong with the fundamentals.

Thank you.

You are right about this, man.

Do not back down.

I don't care if she doesn't marry you.

I don't care if another man raises your child.

Wow.

Thanks for that moment of clarity.

Yeah, hi.

It's Don there.

Hey, Larry.

Oh, hey, guys.

How are you?

Good.

I'm great.

Good.

Lewis and I have a question for you.

Did you set Mimi up with the loser because you

have a crush on her because you suck at your job?

What do you mean?

What's wrong with Albert?

Looks like his mom dressed him up for picture day.

Hey, he's a perfectly suitable date for Mimi.

He's a successful distributor for styrofoam products.

I thought you were going to be ethical about this and find her a good guy.

All right.

I admit it.

I couldn't stand to think of her in bed with another man.

You're not alone there.

Oh, my God.

He rode his bike here.

Don't jump to conclusions.

When you walk around with a backpack with a boy wizard on

it, I'm guessing you'd take a lot of blows to the head.

Hey, thanks, Elmata.

Albert seems like a decent, dependable guy.

Really?

I just wasn't sure if he was your type.

Oh, he's probably a little conservative in the sack, but I don't mind getting my

hands under the hood and doing a little rewiring.

Damn, I know I should have gone with the Shaw guy who only talks through his puppet.

Okay, how'd the ass-kissing go?

Well, Don wasn't there, but I left a message with Annette.

Told him I was sorry.

We're back on the job.

Oh, what's the point?

He doesn't trust us now.

He's just going to be hovering over us while we work.

Not if he's not around.

I like it.

We wall him up to die in the basement.

Actually, I just figured we'd go there at night when he wasn't there.

I'll tell you what, we'll call killing the grandfather of my child, Plan B.

Hey, what's, uh, what's going on?

What are you guys doing?

Oh, hi, Doug.

Hey, quick question.

Did you tell anybody you were coming here?

I called and Annette left a message, uh, said I was sorry.

Well, she told me and, uh, takes a big man to admit he was wrong.

Ho, ho, ho, hey.

Hey.

The wallpaper seam looks perfectly straight.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Whoa.

Grought looks good, too.

Yeah, you know, the way we're going will be done in a couple weeks.

Really, that soon?

Yeah, even put in a ceiling fan.

Huh.

What?

Remind me, Drew, did we talk about installing a ceiling fan?

No, not exactly, but, you know, it's...

it keeps the house cool and the summer cheaper than air conditioning.

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's why you see them in cheap diners and whorehouses.

Plan B, plan B.

Here, uh, let me help you take it down.

Stupid little dumb-ass children is coming on your end of the profits, not mine.

Out.

I want this tacky piece of crap out.

I can't.

This looks ridiculous.

You've made fools of yourselves.

So, we thought the 48-ouncer was gonna be a really big seller for us, but it turns

out that that's just too much gut for most people.

No matter how many times I hear that story,

it's just as entertaining as the first time.

Mimi, I don't care what this cost me.

I want to go out with you.

Wait a minute.

You're the matchmaker.

This is very unprofessional.

No, this is.

He has irritable bowel syndrome and was arrested for masturbating at the zoo.

Hey!

Mimi, I like everything about you.

You're funny, you're sexy, and we have a connection.

I don't care what this does to my reputation or my business.

What do you say?

You'd flush your business down the crapper just to go out with me?

I'm tired of being alone while I'm setting up losers like this.

Wait, that's it.

I want my money back.

All right.

There you go.

Go buy a basket for your bike, you colossal dork.

So, will you go out with me Saturday night?

Well, I did have a pretty good time here filling up the dating application.

There's a new Italian restaurant down by the river.

That's pretty good.

Well, I know that place.

They got a dumpster out back full of rats.

We could have a nice dinner, then we could go around back and see who's a better shot.

And what do I get if I win?

A bunch of dead rats.

I'm not a whore.

You've made fools of yourselves.

You don't take time planning.

You move too fast and you make stupid mistakes.

Plan B.

Plan B.

I think someone owes me an apology.

Okay, he's difficult.

Are you happy?

Why do I know what's wrong to say yes?

I just... I just don't get it, you know?

I talked to my mom and she said that ever since he started this project,

he's the happiest he's been since he's retired.

Maybe he's happy because he's got away from your mom.

Drew, please, can we just focus?

Let's just trash one of my parents at a time.

All I know is, thanks to your dad, there's more work than when we started.

We're never gonna finish that place.

Exactly.

You know, maybe that's it.

Drew, you know, when he was working he had a sense of purpose and when he retired,

he seemed almost lost.

You know, look, maybe you're right, because whenever we talk about finishing

the house, that's when his eyes go black, he starts foaming at the mouth.

Babe, can you just maybe slow it down a little bit?

Even if he wanted to, there's hardly any more work to be done.

Okay, then you never have to see my dad again.

That's perfect.

And our child will never know his grandfather.

Well, if he wants to see the grandfather, we can look at him on tape.

Hey, uh, put on something sexy.

I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

We knock out this wall right here.

Knock it out, make a great room.

And then we can put in a really nice fireplace in this corner over here.

Wow, I guess we could make a lot more money this way, but, uh, it's gonna take a while.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll look at maybe another year.

Well, let's, uh, let's get started.

Nobody ever died for a little hard work.

Actually, millions have.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, honey.

Did you see how happy you made him?

Yeah, it's no problem, I mean, that's nothing more I'd rather do than

spend a year working on this house with your dad.

At least, excuse me, I have some grout in my eye.

And these people tiles here, is that to dress up the board, or are you actually

thinking a thing like that belongs in a coop?

They're called accent tiles.

I don't like people.

They eat us.

By the millions.

I already bought the people tiles.

I like the people tiles, they were on sale.

Let me explain to you why they were on sale.

Kiss my egghole.