Original subtitles

Hey, what's the score?

Same as two hours ago, zero-zero.

Is that the ping-pong ball you found on the floor of the bathroom at the Warsaw?

Yes.

Did you wash it?

Yes.

I thought it tasted like the bathroom floor at the Warsaw.

Hey, open up.

It's your turn.

Oh, no, I'm not playing with that.

It's been your mouth!

Hey!

Hey, April, how are you doing?

Hey!

Hey, April, these are my friends, Lewis and Oswald.

Well, hello.

So, are you a woman or an angel whose wings have been hacked off by some sicko?

Yeah, that's Lewis' best pickup line.

He's probably surprised your pants are still on.

So, April, how's the apartment hunt going?

Oh, not bad.

We found a cute little studio over on Mayfield.

A studio, huh?

Does that mean you're unattached?

Or you and your husband are very poor?

Listen, we just came by because I think I left my cell phone

here, and we gotta get you some furniture for your apartment.

Oh, you know, I prefer antiques.

It's nice on the pieces in your house of a story to tell, don't you think?

Yeah, I think that's nice.

My favorite is a lovely Victorian game table

that my Uncle Roger stepped off to hang himself.

Okay, maybe we should go.

It was nice meeting you all.

Me too.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Kelly is a beautiful cousin and it never occurred to her to set us up.

Well, you know, your voice went up at the end of that like it was a question.

Drew, we deserve to know in the afterglow of sex when you're holding each other and

there are no secrets, what does Kelly say about us?

Um, we don't really talk about you after sex,

but we do scream your names while we're doing it.

Oh, no.

If you two are here doing this, then who's guarding the precedent?

Hey, uh, tell Gus I finally got Saturday off so I can come watch him play soccer.

Oh, no.

Not after the scene you made at his T-ball game.

Hey, that ball was high and inside.

I don't care what anybody says.

The ball sits on a cup attached to a stick.

The stick was high.

It was placed too far inside.

You know, he doesn't have his father around, and I want to go there and support him.

It's good to have family cheer you on.

Yeah, if you get up on a high enough ledge, I'll cheer you on.

If I'm up on the ledge with a scope, I'll cheer you on while you run.

Hey, sir, I'm late.

I had to stop at the ATM on the way over here.

And when I saw my balance, I had to sit down and think about my life for a minute.

What's the score?

Fun to fun.

What?

Fun to fun.

Yeah, the league commissioner doesn't like to keep score.

That way, all the kids are winners.

Sounds like a load of crap to me.

Gus likes running around.

Let him be.

How about you guys?

You're buying into this whole commie, we-are-the-world soccer league thing?

You're embarrassing me.

Don't talk to me about embarrassment.

People probably think we're married.

Hey, Gus, that's the ball.

Go, Gus!

You can do it!

That's it!

Okay, stop ya!

Maybe it'll score fun.

What?

What?

What the hell?

What do you get the ball for?

I can tell you're upset you dropped a stitch.

Oh, now you're done.

Here comes the league commissioner.

He looks familiar.

Hey, that's our paper boy.

Yeah, well, here is Commissioner Murphy, and he's a very powerful figure.

In fact, that's his soccer ball.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi, I'm Phil Murphy, the league commissioner.

Hi, Drew Carey.

That's my nephew who is just too polite to score a goal there.

Look, we really prefer that if you're going to cheer, you cheer for both sides equally.

Yeah, well, my nephew only plays for one team.

So, for a commissioner, you don't seem to know much about soccer, do ya?

We just feel that cheering creates an atmosphere of competition that,

well, it's unhealthy for kids this young.

Yeah, but competition is what life's all about.

That's why kids play sports.

We can teach them about life.

I mean, your soccer ball there, that's not just a soccer ball.

It's a hot car or, you know, a hot girl.

You want to teach boys that young, and they can just all take a turn with it?

I have to consider the feelings of all the kids, Mr. Carey.

Now, if Gus there scored a goal, how's that going to make the goalie feel?

I don't think he'd care, because a little doofus is

putting his tongue through every hole in the net.

My son's a fine goalie, okay?

He just happens to like the texture of rope in his mouth.

Yeah, well, no offense, but I think a rope -sucking

son of a paper boy better learn to be a scrapper.

Well, you listen to me, Mr. Carey.

I've been doing this for a long time, okay?

I've got an associate's degree in child psychology.

So, I think I'll continue to call the shots here.

Yes, sir, if you don't mind.

Well, let me tell you something.

If I didn't like Dilbert so much, I would cancel my paper in a second.

Hey, hey.

Hey there, Missy.

How come you didn't set either of us up with your single cousin, huh?

Oh, you guys don't want to go out with my cousin.

You wouldn't know what to look at her, but she's got serious emotional problems.

But physically, she's all woman, right?

Yes, but she can't hold out a job, and she's

been arrested for shoplifting a couple of times.

Trust me.

You do not want to go out with her.

Hey, hey, hey.

I haven't had a date in six months.

Last night, I set up a candlelight dinner for me and a Pat Benatar album cover.

Walking in on that will sober your ass up.

Yeah.

Well, even after all that, you guys are still too good for her.

Bye.

You know, I think it's entirely possible she's making

all this stuff up to keep us away from her cousin.

I bet she doesn't even have a cousin.

No, we met her cousin.

Oh, yeah.

So, then I got to admit, I'm lost.

Well, if she's making this stuff up or not, I still want to date her cousin.

Yeah, me too.

But I want to go first.

Don't you have an album cover at home that has you on a pretty short leash?

How are we going to settle this?

I think you owe me.

Well, how's that?

When those squirrels got in the house and started

running around, who stunned them with the shovel?

You did.

When those baby birds woke you up that morning, who

blew the nest out of the tree with a fire extinguisher?

You did.

Yeah.

And who screams Chinese into the phone every time those telemarketers call?

You do.

You take such good care of me.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Drew, we're going to the Warsaw.

You want to go?

No, I can't.

I have to stay here and have a little talk with Gus about competition.

Your little nephew making the moves on Kelly?

No.

It's that Sissy soccer league they got him in.

You know his dad's not around.

It's up to me to tell him the way the world works.

Yeah.

When you do, tell him the world's a cold, hard place where

you've got to scrape and claw for everything you get.

Yeah, that's your good-looking.

She's half-bullback, half-carry.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Let me just drag my club foot and hump in there and see what I can do.

Gus, what you watching?

Dancing.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Christina Aguilera.

Wow, look her clothes are all ripped up.

She's all sweaty.

Hey, she's been in an accident or something.

Well, she's okay.

Okay, I'm gonna shut this off right now.

Listen, I want to talk to you about your soccer game.

Okay.

Now, look, you had the ball, and you were dribbling

toward the goalie, but you gave the ball to the goalie.

Now, what's the matter?

Don't you want to score any goals?

They don't count anyway.

But they do count, and whoever scores the most goals, see, wins the game.

Mr. Murphy says we're all winners.

Well, Mr. Murphy's a 40-year-old paper boy.

Now, listen, in soccer, there's winners and there's losers.

It's just like life.

Really?

Yeah.

Now, I taped a little something off the animal channel.

Let me show you.

A little demonstration.

How come the line's on top of the other line?

He's just, you know, getting a better view of the other animals.

Okay, then fast forward that.

There.

There.

See the leopard?

Uh-huh.

He's fast.

Leopard.

That's right.

The leopard's really fast.

See the rabbit?

Leopard, rabbit, leopard, rabbit.

Watch out, old bunny rabbit.

Here comes the leopard.

Watch out, bunny.

Boom!

A winner.

You can tell who the winner is, because he still has his head on.

Winning is better.

That's right.

And that's how you have to be on the soccer field.

Okay.

Will you read to me, Uncle Jura?

You know, I'm paying for 200 channels.

I think we can find something better than a book.

Come on, cops!

Crop, be the leopard, buddy!

Come on!

What

the hell is he doing?

Why doesn't the ref blow the whistle?

Because the ref doesn't have a whistle.

He just has tissues and boo-boo lollipops.

Look at me, Uncle Drew!

I'm the leopard!

They're all winners.

Couldn't let him just kick the ball around on the field.

That's what's supposed to have a play date with that

little girl holding her bloody tooth in the plastic bag.

Yeah, well, you know, if kids today had to lay off a soda,

drink a little more milk, that kind of thing wouldn't happen.

Well, well, well.

I assume this is your doing.

Look, kids get bumps and scrapes all the time, all right?

It's all part of growing up.

Well, not in my league.

Gus is out.

For what?

Having a little competitive spirit?

No.

For the elbow, the straight arm, and the vicious kick to the crotch.

Hey, don't punish my kid.

It's his fault.

Let's punish him.

Come on, with my street smarts and your junior

college degree, we could come up with something great.

I'm not going to stick to your level, okay?

My mandate as commissioner of this league is to provide these kids with a fun,

wholesome experience.

And I intend to deliver.

Yeah, well, while you're delivering that,

why don't you bring me another Sunday paper?

Because you threw the last one in a puddle.

So does that mean I can't play soccer anymore?

I guess not, Gus.

But I like soccer.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I should have been more clear.

Instead of showing a leopard disavowing a

rabbit, I should have showed you a soccer video.

It's going to be okay, honey.

Can you just stay right here?

Mama's got to talk to Uncle Drew.

Fix it.

You don't understand.

We're powerless here.

That guy owns the ball.

I don't care what you have to do.

Just get Gus back in the league.

Mimi, I don't get to look down on many people.

Please don't make me kiss a paper boy's ass.

Kiss it, spank it, make it sing like a gypsy violin.

Just get my kid back in the league.

Hey, suit.

No, thanks, mister.

I'm here with the lady.

Is that really necessary?

I've had the same male roommate for 20 years.

When I get a chance to set the record straight, I take it.

You're not going out with Kelly's cousin, are you?

Did you hear what she said about her?

The jail time?

The thefts?

Look, Drew, I think a woman is more than just a mistake she's made.

She's a heart, a soul, an ass, and a pair of boobs.

That's the same speech you gave at your grandmother's eulogy.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, April.

All right, well, enough with the chit -chat.

We're going back to my place for a little romantic nightcap and then intercourse.

Oh, we should get a brace yourself for what's coming.

Mr. Murphy, I'm right here.

Thank you so much for coming down to see me.

All right.

You got ten minutes.

I have to, uh, get up early, deal with some important papers.

You want to jump on that, Mr. Funny Man?

No.

Look, I-I-I realize now that I was wrong.

I was wrong to teach Gus, uh, to be competitive.

I was.

Because we're all winners.

And because my nephew kicked your son in the ball... in, uh, the, uh, goody sack.

You mocking me?

No, sir.

I'm not mocking you.

Mocking you would be wrong.

Look, I know you don't agree with the way I do things, Perry, but psychologists feel

that if kids develop good self-esteem early, they'll do better in life.

Yes, and I-I realize it got out of hand, and I-I just wanted

to teach Gus about working hard and winning at something.

Ha!

Boy, why don't you say it out loud?

It's not so stupid.

You're not exactly convincing me.

Look, I need to know that you understand our

philosophies and that Gus will abide by them.

I understand that it's wrong for kids to compete, and then they should be nice to

each other so they can all end up feeling like winners.

And?

And you're a very handsome man...

...who understands what's best for kids.

All right, fine.

Gus can come back, but he is on probation.

So, one more positive drug test, he's back in the slammer.

That's not funny.

Of course not.

It's not... Drugs aren't funny.

My compliments on the intercourse.

Thank you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Why do you always call it intercourse?

I respect you too much to use slang.

Well, I had a wonderful time.

You seemed very... organized.

By the way, what's all that writing all over your arm?

Oh, just some notes.

If I don't script my first ten moves in advance, I panic and start thrashing around.

Well, I'm glad you remain so calm.

You seem to be sobering up.

I'll get you another beer.

Finally, a gentleman.

I'm bringing whipped cream.

It may have gone bad, but you tell me.

Hey, how hard is that to learn?

Hey, is the score still fun to fund?

Because if they don't win by at least fun, I'm not a lot of money.

Hey, how's the game going, Kelly?

Eh, it's okay.

I know you're not supposed to drink a kid's soccer game, so I brought beer noculars.

That's ingenious.

No one's gonna notice you sucking on a pair of binoculars.

So, how was your date with April?

Great.

She stole my heart.

And then all the stuff off my dresser.

I'm sorry, Louis, but I warned you.

You know, you only have yourself to blame.

No, I'm not upset.

We're seeing each other again tonight.

What about all the stuff she stole?

All she got was my watch, my diamond pinky ring, and my Abraham Lincoln autograph.

Yeah, I stopped buying it when you said you had a watch.

Okay, it was all carefully planted crap.

I signed the Abraham Lincoln autograph myself.

If she bothers to look, she'll see that Honest

Abe wished General Grant a bitch in summer.

It's so sick!

Why, you're really judgmental, you know?

I think we got a nice thing going here.

Oh, hey, does anybody know if Harry Truman is an E in his name?

Uh... Gus, what are you doing here?

It's the middle of the game.

I'm bored.

We go get some ice cream.

Of course you're bored.

We're all bored, okay?

But your teammates need you.

You have to get out there, because if they... you don't... they're, uh...

You know, they're... you still have another hour of pointless kicking.

I like it more when I can score a goal.

Well, sweetie, you can't just quit in the middle of the game.

I'd get a ribbon anyway.

Well, you need to go back out there, because...

because those kids are sniffing something out there.

You better go see what it is.

Yeah.

You know, if he's not having any fun, and he's not learning anything,

I'm starting to think that we're just all wasting our time out here.

What are you talking about?

Look, they're all winners.

Standing out there in a circle sniffing God knows what.

Hey.

Hey, where'd you sneak off to?

I had to go get some snacks for the kids.

You're not the snack, Mom.

What's going on?

Uh, I just figured, hopefully, this'll give the kids something to play for.

You know, I mean, you can't have fun unless you're doing your best.

Unless you're drinking age, then anything can be fun.

Huh?

Keep one for yourself, because you need something to

commemorate the one time in your life you were right.

Looking out for Comrade Murphy.

Hey, kids, look what I got for you.

Cool.

Those are better than ribbons.

Yeah, you're darn right they are.

Now, the team who scores the most goals, when you get back out there, gets these.

What does the other team get?

An empty feeling.

I'd rather have a trophy.

Gus is heading for the goalie.

Here comes the kid.

I can't look.

Oh, it's all right.

It's just a goal.

No one's okay.

This trophy's cool.

Because you earned it, right?

No, because it's shiny.

Hey, I'm sorry I got Gus kicked out of the league again.

Yeah, I don't care.

At least he didn't go out like a punk.

You know, I think he's going to be a jock.

I think he'd be the first carrier to earn a letter jacket in high school.

I mean, you know, for real sport, not for math team.

Well, watch your dirty music videos.

I'm going to bed.

Yeah, cough and come down the stairs.

Wait 30 seconds and then cough again.

We've had some good times, but let's face it.

Where is this relationship going?

Look, I hope we end up friends, but as you said yourself, love is a battlefield.

And baby, we lost.

If it makes you feel any better, you can hit me with your best shot.

I'm sorry, that was mean.

I know you hate that.

Hello, Christina.