All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S09E10.Eye.Of.The.Leopard-ing

Hey, what's the score?

Same as two hours ago, zero-zero.

Is that the ping-pong ball you found on
the floor of the bathroom at the Warsaw?

Yes.

Did you wash it?

Yes.

I thought it tasted like the bathroom
floor at the Warsaw.

Hey, open up.

It's your turn.

Oh, no, I'm not playing with that.

It's been your mouth!

Hey!

Hey, April, how are you doing?

Hey!

Hey, April, these are my friends,
Lewis and Oswald.

Well, hello.

So, are you a woman or an angel whose
wings have been hacked off by some sicko?

Yeah, that's Lewis' best pickup line.

He's probably surprised your pants are
still on.

So, April, how's the apartment hunt going?

Oh, not bad.

We found a cute little studio over on
Mayfield.

A studio, huh?

Does that mean you're unattached?

Or you and your husband are very poor?

Listen, we just came by
because I think I left my cell phone

here, and we gotta get you
some furniture for your apartment.

Oh, you know, I prefer antiques.

It's nice on the pieces in your house of a
story to tell, don't you think?

Yeah, I think that's nice.

My favorite is a lovely
Victorian game table

that my Uncle Roger
stepped off to hang himself.

Okay, maybe we should go.

It was nice meeting you all.

Me too.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Kelly is a beautiful cousin and it never
occurred to her to set us up.

Well, you know, your voice went up at the
end of that like it was a question.

Drew, we deserve to know in the afterglow
of sex when you're holding each other and

there are no secrets, what does Kelly say
about us?

Um, we don't really
talk about you after sex,

but we do scream your
names while we're doing it.

Oh, no.

If you two are here doing this,
then who's guarding the precedent?

Hey, uh, tell Gus I finally got Saturday
off so I can come watch him play soccer.

Oh, no.

Not after the scene you made at his T-ball
game.

Hey, that ball was high and inside.

I don't care what anybody says.

The ball sits on a cup attached to a
stick.

The stick was high.

It was placed too far inside.

You know, he doesn't have his father around,
and I want to go there and support him.

It's good to have family cheer you on.

Yeah, if you get up on a high enough
ledge, I'll cheer you on.

If I'm up on the ledge with a scope,
I'll cheer you on while you run.

Hey, sir, I'm late.

I had to stop at the ATM on the way over
here.

And when I saw my balance, I had to sit
down and think about my life for a minute.

What's the score?

Fun to fun.

What?

Fun to fun.

Yeah, the league commissioner doesn't like
to keep score.

That way, all the kids are winners.

Sounds like a load of crap to me.

Gus likes running around.

Let him be.

How about you guys?

You're buying into this whole commie,
we-are-the-world soccer league thing?

You're embarrassing me.

Don't talk to me about embarrassment.

People probably think we're married.

Hey, Gus, that's the ball.

Go, Gus!

You can do it!

That's it!

Okay, stop ya!

Maybe it'll score fun.

What?

What?

What the hell?

What do you get the ball for?

I can tell you're upset you dropped a
stitch.

Oh, now you're done.

Here comes the league commissioner.

He looks familiar.

Hey, that's our paper boy.

Yeah, well, here is Commissioner Murphy,
and he's a very powerful figure.

In fact, that's his soccer ball.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi, I'm Phil Murphy, the league
commissioner.

Hi, Drew Carey.

That's my nephew who is just too polite to
score a goal there.

Look, we really prefer that if you're going
to cheer, you cheer for both sides equally.

Yeah, well, my nephew only plays for one
team.

So, for a commissioner, you don't seem to
know much about soccer, do ya?

We just feel that cheering creates an
atmosphere of competition that,

well, it's unhealthy for kids this young.

Yeah, but competition is what life's all
about.

That's why kids play sports.

We can teach them about life.

I mean, your soccer ball there,
that's not just a soccer ball.

It's a hot car or, you know, a hot girl.

You want to teach boys that young,
and they can just all take a turn with it?

I have to consider the feelings of all the
kids, Mr. Carey.

Now, if Gus there scored a goal,
how's that going to make the goalie feel?

I don't think he'd care,
because a little doofus is

putting his tongue through
every hole in the net.

My son's a fine goalie, okay?

He just happens to like the texture of
rope in his mouth.

Yeah, well, no offense,
but I think a rope -sucking

son of a paper boy better
learn to be a scrapper.

Well, you listen to me, Mr. Carey.

I've been doing this for a long time,
okay?

I've got an associate's degree in child
psychology.

So, I think I'll continue to call the
shots here.

Yes, sir, if you don't mind.

Well, let me tell you something.

If I didn't like Dilbert so much,
I would cancel my paper in a second.

Hey, hey.

Hey there, Missy.

How come you didn't set either of us up
with your single cousin, huh?

Oh, you guys don't want to go out with my
cousin.

You wouldn't know what to look at her,
but she's got serious emotional problems.

But physically, she's all woman,
right?

Yes, but she can't
hold out a job, and she's

been arrested for
shoplifting a couple of times.

Trust me.

You do not want to go out with her.

Hey, hey, hey.

I haven't had a date in six months.

Last night, I set up a candlelight dinner
for me and a Pat Benatar album cover.

Walking in on that will sober your ass up.

Yeah.

Well, even after all that, you guys are
still too good for her.

Bye.

You know, I think it's
entirely possible she's making

all this stuff up to keep
us away from her cousin.

I bet she doesn't even have a cousin.

No, we met her cousin.

Oh, yeah.

So, then I got to admit, I'm lost.

Well, if she's making this stuff up or
not, I still want to date her cousin.

Yeah, me too.

But I want to go first.

Don't you have an album cover at home that
has you on a pretty short leash?

How are we going to settle this?

I think you owe me.

Well, how's that?

When those squirrels got
in the house and started

running around, who
stunned them with the shovel?

You did.

When those baby birds
woke you up that morning, who

blew the nest out of the
tree with a fire extinguisher?

You did.

Yeah.

And who screams Chinese into the phone
every time those telemarketers call?

You do.

You take such good care of me.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Drew, we're going to the Warsaw.

You want to go?

No, I can't.

I have to stay here and have a little talk
with Gus about competition.

Your little nephew making the moves on
Kelly?

No.

It's that Sissy soccer league they got him
in.

You know his dad's not around.

It's up to me to tell him the way the
world works.

Yeah.

When you do, tell him the
world's a cold, hard place where

you've got to scrape and
claw for everything you get.

Yeah, that's your good-looking.

She's half-bullback, half-carry.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Let me just drag my club foot and hump in
there and see what I can do.

Gus, what you watching?

Dancing.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Christina Aguilera.

Wow, look her clothes are all ripped up.

She's all sweaty.

Hey, she's been in an accident or
something.

Well, she's okay.

Okay, I'm gonna shut this off right now.

Listen, I want to talk to you about your
soccer game.

Okay.

Now, look, you had the
ball, and you were dribbling

toward the goalie, but you
gave the ball to the goalie.

Now, what's the matter?

Don't you want to score any goals?

They don't count anyway.

But they do count, and whoever scores the
most goals, see, wins the game.

Mr. Murphy says we're all winners.

Well, Mr. Murphy's a 40-year-old paper
boy.

Now, listen, in soccer, there's winners
and there's losers.

It's just like life.

Really?

Yeah.

Now, I taped a little something off the
animal channel.

Let me show you.

A little demonstration.

How come the line's on top of the other
line?

He's just, you know, getting a better view
of the other animals.

Okay, then fast forward that.

There.

There.

See the leopard?

Uh-huh.

He's fast.

Leopard.

That's right.

The leopard's really fast.

See the rabbit?

Leopard, rabbit, leopard, rabbit.

Watch out, old bunny rabbit.

Here comes the leopard.

Watch out, bunny.

Boom!

A winner.

You can tell who the winner is,
because he still has his head on.

Winning is better.

That's right.

And that's how you have to be on the
soccer field.

Okay.

Will you read to me, Uncle Jura?

You know, I'm paying for 200 channels.

I think we can find something better than
a book.

Come on, cops!

Crop, be the leopard, buddy!

Come on!

What

the hell is he doing?

Why doesn't the ref blow the whistle?

Because the ref doesn't have a whistle.

He just has tissues and boo-boo lollipops.

Look at me, Uncle Drew!

I'm the leopard!

They're all winners.

Couldn't let him just kick the ball around
on the field.

That's what's supposed to
have a play date with that

little girl holding her bloody
tooth in the plastic bag.

Yeah, well, you know, if kids
today had to lay off a soda,

drink a little more milk, that
kind of thing wouldn't happen.

Well, well, well.

I assume this is your doing.

Look, kids get bumps and scrapes all the
time, all right?

It's all part of growing up.

Well, not in my league.

Gus is out.

For what?

Having a little competitive spirit?

No.

For the elbow, the straight arm,
and the vicious kick to the crotch.

Hey, don't punish my kid.

It's his fault.

Let's punish him.

Come on, with my street
smarts and your junior

college degree, we could
come up with something great.

I'm not going to stick to your level,
okay?

My mandate as commissioner of this league
is to provide these kids with a fun,

wholesome experience.

And I intend to deliver.

Yeah, well, while
you're delivering that,

why don't you bring me
another Sunday paper?

Because you threw the last one in a
puddle.

So does that mean I can't play soccer
anymore?

I guess not, Gus.

But I like soccer.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I should have been more clear.

Instead of showing a
leopard disavowing a

rabbit, I should have
showed you a soccer video.

It's going to be okay, honey.

Can you just stay right here?

Mama's got to talk to Uncle Drew.

Fix it.

You don't understand.

We're powerless here.

That guy owns the ball.

I don't care what you have to do.

Just get Gus back in the league.

Mimi, I don't get to look down on many
people.

Please don't make me kiss a paper boy's
ass.

Kiss it, spank it, make it sing like a
gypsy violin.

Just get my kid back in the league.

Hey, suit.

No, thanks, mister.

I'm here with the lady.

Is that really necessary?

I've had the same male roommate for 20
years.

When I get a chance to set the record
straight, I take it.

You're not going out with Kelly's cousin,
are you?

Did you hear what she said about her?

The jail time?

The thefts?

Look, Drew, I think a woman is more than
just a mistake she's made.

She's a heart, a soul, an ass,
and a pair of boobs.

That's the same speech you gave at your
grandmother's eulogy.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, April.

All right, well, enough with the chit
-chat.

We're going back to my place for a little
romantic nightcap and then intercourse.

Oh, we should get a brace yourself for
what's coming.

Mr. Murphy, I'm right here.

Thank you so much for coming down to see
me.

All right.

You got ten minutes.

I have to, uh, get up early, deal with
some important papers.

You want to jump on that, Mr. Funny Man?

No.

Look, I-I-I realize now that I was wrong.

I was wrong to teach Gus, uh, to be
competitive.

I was.

Because we're all winners.

And because my nephew kicked your son
in the ball... in, uh, the, uh, goody sack.

You mocking me?

No, sir.

I'm not mocking you.

Mocking you would be wrong.

Look, I know you don't agree with the way
I do things, Perry, but psychologists feel

that if kids develop good self-esteem
early, they'll do better in life.

Yes, and I-I realize it got out
of hand, and I-I just wanted

to teach Gus about working
hard and winning at something.

Ha!

Boy, why don't you say it out loud?

It's not so stupid.

You're not exactly convincing me.

Look, I need to know
that you understand our

philosophies and that
Gus will abide by them.

I understand that it's wrong for kids to
compete, and then they should be nice to

each other so they can all end up feeling
like winners.

And?

And you're a very handsome man...

...who understands what's best for kids.

All right, fine.

Gus can come back, but he is on probation.

So, one more positive drug test,
he's back in the slammer.

That's not funny.

Of course not.

It's not... Drugs aren't funny.

My compliments on the intercourse.

Thank you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Why do you always call it intercourse?

I respect you too much to use slang.

Well, I had a wonderful time.

You seemed very... organized.

By the way, what's all that writing all
over your arm?

Oh, just some notes.

If I don't script my first ten moves in
advance, I panic and start thrashing around.

Well, I'm glad you remain so calm.

You seem to be sobering up.

I'll get you another beer.

Finally, a gentleman.

I'm bringing whipped cream.

It may have gone bad, but you tell me.

Hey, how hard is that to learn?

Hey, is the score still fun to fund?

Because if they don't win by at least fun,
I'm not a lot of money.

Hey, how's the game going, Kelly?

Eh, it's okay.

I know you're not supposed to drink a kid's
soccer game, so I brought beer noculars.

That's ingenious.

No one's gonna notice you sucking on a
pair of binoculars.

So, how was your date with April?

Great.

She stole my heart.

And then all the stuff off my dresser.

I'm sorry, Louis, but I warned you.

You know, you only have yourself to blame.

No, I'm not upset.

We're seeing each other again tonight.

What about all the stuff she stole?

All she got was my watch, my diamond pinky
ring, and my Abraham Lincoln autograph.

Yeah, I stopped buying it when you said
you had a watch.

Okay, it was all carefully planted crap.

I signed the Abraham Lincoln autograph
myself.

If she bothers to look,
she'll see that Honest

Abe wished General
Grant a bitch in summer.

It's so sick!

Why, you're really judgmental,
you know?

I think we got a nice thing going here.

Oh, hey, does anybody know if Harry Truman
is an E in his name?

Uh... Gus, what are you doing here?

It's the middle of the game.

I'm bored.

We go get some ice cream.

Of course you're bored.

We're all bored, okay?

But your teammates need you.

You have to get out there, because if
they... you don't... they're, uh...

You know, they're... you still have
another hour of pointless kicking.

I like it more when I can score a goal.

Well, sweetie, you can't just quit in the
middle of the game.

I'd get a ribbon anyway.

Well, you need to go back out there,
because...

because those kids are sniffing something
out there.

You better go see what it is.

Yeah.

You know, if he's not having any fun,
and he's not learning anything,

I'm starting to think that we're just all
wasting our time out here.

What are you talking about?

Look, they're all winners.

Standing out there in a circle sniffing
God knows what.

Hey.

Hey, where'd you sneak off to?

I had to go get some snacks for the kids.

You're not the snack, Mom.

What's going on?

Uh, I just figured, hopefully, this'll
give the kids something to play for.

You know, I mean, you can't have fun
unless you're doing your best.

Unless you're drinking age, then anything
can be fun.

Huh?

Keep one for yourself,
because you need something to

commemorate the one time
in your life you were right.

Looking out for Comrade Murphy.

Hey, kids, look what I got for you.

Cool.

Those are better than ribbons.

Yeah, you're darn right they are.

Now, the team who scores the most goals,
when you get back out there, gets these.

What does the other team get?

An empty feeling.

I'd rather have a trophy.

Gus is heading for the goalie.

Here comes the kid.

I can't look.

Oh, it's all right.

It's just a goal.

No one's okay.

This trophy's cool.

Because you earned it, right?

No, because it's shiny.

Hey, I'm sorry I got Gus kicked out of the
league again.

Yeah, I don't care.

At least he didn't go out like a punk.

You know, I think he's going to be a jock.

I think he'd be the first carrier to earn
a letter jacket in high school.

I mean, you know, for real sport,
not for math team.

Well, watch your dirty music videos.

I'm going to bed.

Yeah, cough and come down the stairs.

Wait 30 seconds and then cough again.

We've had some good times, but let's face
it.

Where is this relationship going?

Look, I hope we end up friends, but as
you said yourself, love is a battlefield.

And baby, we lost.

If it makes you feel any better,
you can hit me with your best shot.

I'm sorry, that was mean.

I know you hate that.

Hello, Christina.