All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S09E09.Drew.Thinks.Inside.The.Box-ing

Mimi, this is my cat.

Say hi to Lulu.

She's all lumpy.

Yep, those are tumors.

She is riddled with them.

But she's 21, which is really old for a
cat.

Wow, it's like petting a bag of gumballs.

From now on, we're gonna split up Lulu's
care.

I will handle her emotional
needs, like cuddling

at night, and you will
handle her medical needs.

Uh, for instance, time for her
suppositories.

Trailer, it's your cat.

Wouldn't she be more comfortable with you
touching her back there?

Yeah, she'd blind.

She doesn't know who's back there.

Well, if she's suffering
so much, why don't

you just have the
poor thing put to sleep?

I couldn't do that.

I've had her since she was a kitten.

No takers, she smells.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there a trailer, stupid cat,
a suppository?

That's it.

I gotta find another job.

You can always go back
to sitting behind a chicken

wire fence and letting
kids stroke your back.

Hey, Scott.

Hey, Drew, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, you're the boss.

It all pays the same.

Listen, I told a trailer
we were out drinking last

night, so I'd appreciate
it if you'd play along.

Oh, man, I don't know.

That kind of puts me in an awkward
position.

I mean, I don't want to get between you
and trailer.

Come on, man, just this once.

Yeah, but, I mean, isn't there something
else I can do for you?

Like, maybe if you have a sick animal,
like, I could put things in its bottom.

I really need your help here, man.

If trailer finds out what's going on,
I am totally screwed.

Well, if you're seeing someone else,
why don't you just break up with her?

Can't do that.

I love her.

Well, then, why don't you stop cheating on
her?

I love her too much to make her do the
things I need to have done.

I'd say something, but I'm afraid you'd
clarify that.

Look, do it just this once,
and you can watch the

Browns game this Sunday
from the corporate luxury box.

Oh, man, I just don't know.

Drew, you two had a pretty good time last
night.

Scott came home late and hammered.

You should have seen what happened at the
bar.

It was hysterical.

Tell her, Drew.

LAUGHTER

This is amazing.

I can't believe they gave you
complimentary binoculars.

Man, I can almost see the laces on the
ball.

Kind of cold out there.

I'm going to buy the gymnast stretching
out for the halftime show.

Okay, you're done with those.

Attention peasants.

It's the middle of the second quarter.

Better start lining up to buy your $6
beers.

There goes $6 bucks.

Time to line up again, you welfare cheats.

Honey.

Hi.

I'm Louis Kniskey.

I'm with drug code.

That's pharmaceuticals.

Yeah, I've heard of them.

What do you do there?

They call me the janitor.

When the money boys mess things up,
I come in and mop it up.

You have an 8?

Anna.

Okay.

Sell me an Anna.

You've got 30 seconds.

You're an ass.

So, 28 seconds to spare.

I think we have 5 and 8.

See you then.

That is the nicest stadium bathroom I've
ever been in.

It's so clean and there's no trough.

Nobody eyeing my junk, I was able to go
like that.

Drew, this is so amazing.

I've never been to a place like this
before.

Daryl certainly never brought me to a
place this nice.

You know, by the way,
always feel free to tell

me how much better I
am than your ex -husband.

At least for one day I get to be like a
rich person.

I feel like Cinderella.

Only plastered.

Instead of losing my shoe, I'll just throw
up in my purse later.

You know what, I'm just going to take my
cell phone back.

You must be doing really well at work if
they're giving you perks like this.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, well, why wouldn't you be?

It's not like I did anything bad,
you know.

I did something good.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm starting to feel guilty about
what I did to get this box.

I mean, I shouldn't.

All I did was lie to somebody to cover an
affair.

Scott and Traylor aren't exactly saints.

It's not like you're trying to save Donnie
Marie's marriage here.

Oswald, they're brother and sister.

Oh, good thing they broke up before they
had kids, huh?

Here you go, Mimi.

Okay, bye now.

Hey, what's your hurry?

I've hardly seen you this whole week.

I'm so busy taking care of Traylor's
stupid cat.

I spent my lunch trying
to give it an insulin

shot without getting
my eyes scratched out.

Mimi, well, Mimi, you don't have to take
that.

I'm not.

I got a job interview tomorrow.

And until I get something
else, I'm putting a cat's

repository in every
cappuccino I serve trailer.

Hey, glad I caught you.

Traylor wanted me to give you this.

It's a sulfur bath for Lulu's sores and
lesions.

Hey, you.

Hey.

You know, I have
been thinking a lot about

you, and what a great
time I had last night.

But I always have a good time with you,
no matter where we go.

Oh, me too.

So anyway, I want to give you something.

It's the key to my apartment.

Wow.

Well, in that case...

I want to give you the key to my place.

Yeah.

Next time you're over,
just, you know, get the spare

from underneath the fake
rock by the front door there.

Or maybe it would be more of a gesture if
I just gave you mine here, so...

you don't have to root around in the
bushes.

All right.

That's great.

It's like my place is your place and your
place is my place.

Yeah.

But don't look at the box marked rags.

It's in the top shelf of my closet.

Okay.

And don't look at the second drawer of my
dresser.

Deal.

Oh, and remember, Drew,
this weekend is my parents'

anniversary, and we're going
to take them out to dinner.

Right.

Something nice.

Prime rib.

Yeah, I kind of make up for that coupon
fiasco we had at the yogurt shop.

Honey, I was thinking,
is there any way that you

could get Scott to give
you that luxury box again?

You know, my parents are huge Browns fans,
and you would just be the biggest hero if

you could treat them to something like
this once in their lives.

I'm so sorry.

That was just kind of a one-time thing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, honey, I understand.

You know, dinner will be great.

Start right it will.

Prime rib.

And I'm not using any coupons this time.

No way.

But we have to be
there before five, and I'm

going to have to borrow
your father's ID briefly.

Check it out.

Kelly and I just exchanged keys.

That's good, right?

Yeah, that's great.

Wow, that's a big step.

I'm guessing there's one drawer you're not
supposed to open, right?

Yeah, how'd you know?

All girls have one.

And don't open it.

There's something in there you can't live
up to.

Major, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

You're the boss, so it pays the same.

Okay, I need another favor.

A trailer asks if we were at the batting
cages tonight.

Sure.

You know, that's great,
because I could really

use the luxury box for the
Browns game coming up.

You got it.

Fantastic.

Oh, one more thing.

I need to use your house to have sex in.

Oh, boy.

You know, I don't know.

My little nephew lives with me.

And even if he did, Mimi's there, and, you
know, she's kind of an erection scarecrow.

Well, too bad.

Oh, you know, I already promised the
luxury box to Ed Flanagan.

Who's Ed Flanagan?

Just a guy.

A guy with a house.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's got to be something else I can do
for you.

I don't think so.

All right, fine.

Wait, wait.

What did an apartment do?

Yeah, sure.

Where is it?

It's upstairs.

It's Kelly's apartment, so we have to have
some rules.

Stay out of the bed.

Got it.

And you have to be gone by 11 and no sex
on any eating surfaces.

Great dove and couch it is.

I said no eating surfaces.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

What time is it?

Oh, it's after 11.

That's all I know.

Hey, Lewis.

Hey, Kelly.

Well, thanks for dinner and the movie,
bowling.

And the pie and coffee.

My pleasure.

And taking me to the bookstore.

Yeah.

And to the docks to watch them unload the
ships.

That was great.

Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs and go to bed.

No, no, no.

I refuse to let this magical evening end.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm exhausted.

I worked all day.

That's very sweet.

But we've bowled four games and my feet
are killing me, okay?

You know what's great for tired feet?

Dancing.

Dancing?

You hate dancing.

That's only because we haven't picked our
song yet.

All right.

Hey, what about my sharia more?

You know, we shouldn't really rush through
a big decision like this.

I think we should go over to the jukebox
and look over some of the other songs.

True.

Let's see.

A-1.

Alone again naturally.

Nope.

A-2.

The bitch is back.

Yeah, I am tired.

This is important to me and it means a
lot, okay?

Let's do this right.

A-3.

Hot Rod Lincoln.

Hot Rod Lincoln!

Hot Rod Lincoln, that is the end.

That's our song.

Good night.

Hot Rod Lincoln?

Are you sure?

Yes, Drew, it sums up everything that's
beautiful in our relationship.

Well, you know, it's not, you know,
officially our song until we dance to it.

My pappy said, son, you're
gonna drive me to drink

it if you don't stop driving
that Hot Rod Lincoln.

I hate this song.

Can I get this?

Yes.

Trailer asks, I'm at a funeral.

Oh?

Somebody in your family get poached?

Can't you show a little more respect?

I'm pretending to bury my aunt today.

That's the way you're really going.

I've got a job interview.

I scheduled it over lunch.

If it runs over, just cover for me,
okay?

Mimi, I heard.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

What time of the service is?

Two o'clock.

Perfect.

Lulu has a three o'clock
bed appointment and that

gives you 45 minutes to
grieve unless there's traffic.

Fine.

If Lulu doesn't last till three, I'll just
chuck her in the hole with my aunt.

Drew, I looked over your inventory control
report.

Nice work.

Thank you.

I swear you wouldn't have
time to get it done the way

you and Scott have been
staying out late every night.

Oh, well, no matter what
happens in my private

life, I'm still a valuable
and productive employee.

Remember that?

No matter what else happens in this crazy
world we live in.

Okay.

So, uh, even Scott must talk about a lot of
things, you know, relationships and stuff.

We don't talk much.

We usually just brush each other's hair.

I was just curious because, you
know, Scott and I were spending

all of our time together and
now I hardly ever see him.

And I miss him.

Oh, really?

I thought it was
more of a, you know,

recreational and
business-oriented on your part.

It started out that way.

In the beginning, it was just cold and
calculating sex.

And the next thing I knew, I wanted to
cuddle and make him a green bean casserole

with those cute little crunchy onions on
the top.

Yeah, well, maybe he's just taking a
breather.

Boy, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Had to go to the bathroom before he came
up.

Hey, hey.

What does she want?

Does she know anything?

No, but she's a person with feelings.

You didn't tell me that before I agreed to
help you.

Now, look, man, I am out.

I'm out.

I want Kelly's key back.

I don't care if I do get to take her folks
out of the luxury box.

All right.

Just I have to respect that.

You know, you've really been there for me,
man.

Go ahead and take her parents to the box
anyway.

Really?

I don't have to help you out with any of
the other six remaining deadly sins?

Well, just enjoy.

Thanks again.

Thanks, man.

Hey, you know, I think
I should tell you that

a trailer may have some
real feelings for you.

Really?

Well, I'm starting to think that she was
just using me, but if she really cares,

maybe I can lure her into a threesome.

Well, most therapists agree that can only
strengthen a relationship.

So, tell me why you think you'd be a good
fit for a pediatrician's office.

Well, I've worked as an office manager,
so I'm very organized.

Plus, I have a five-year-old son,
so I'm good with kids.

And I'm very sensitive to all kinds of
suffering.

All right, then tell me about your
computer skills.

I'm very comfortable with most operating
systems.

Excuse me, doctor.

I think you left this in the bathroom.

Oh.

Yes, I did.

What a silly mistake.

Really?

Because it was wedged pretty tight behind
the toilet.

For safety, of course.

Thank you so much for returning Lulu to
me.

Well, I'm so sorry, Lulu.

You've had quite an adventure,
haven't you?

Oh, my boss is Kat.

I'm watching it because she knows that I
will shower it with love and compassion.

Now, are you comfortable handling a large
volume of phone calls?

I've worked as a secretary, so I have
excellent phone skills.

And I'm fluent in most spreadsheets and
scheduling programs.

Now, now, Lulu, everything's gonna be
fine, honey.

We use QuickBooks for billing here.

Are you familiar with that particular
program?

Oh, yes.

The department store I used to work at.

We used QuickBooks there.

Having a job interview here, honey.

Anyway, QuickBooks was
something that I was... Excuse me.

A creature is in pain, and I can't just
stand by.

Get out there!

There was nothing in that needle.

You just injected that cat full of air.

Yeah, I kind of forgot the medicine,
didn't I?

Well, you know, maybe it'll work anyway
on, like, the placebo effect.

No, no, no, no, no.

I think you killed that cat.

You might be right.

You know, it goes without saying,
but I'm gonna say it anyway.

I would never, ever inject the children
here with air.

That was great.

Did you see my dad lean over and kiss my
mom after the browns scored that touchdown?

And he wasn't even drunk.

I like how your mom put that giant shrimp
in her purse to take home and show people.

Drew,

why is your boss having sex in my
apartment?

Well, I don't know.

What the hell are you doing breaking into
my girlfriend's apartment?

Excuse me, but we had this place till 11.

Drew, what's going on?

I saw this on 2020.

It's a new sick fetish where a boss gets
his kicks out of breaking into his

employee's girlfriend's apartment and
having sex.

How did that get in?

I don't know.

I didn't see the whole show.

I fell asleep in the middle.

Hi!

Get out of my apartment!

Go!

Wasn't that great when your
mom called your aunt on the

cell phone and told about
the size of those giant shrimp?

Don't be mad at Drew.

He didn't know I made a copy of your key.

I mean, I broke into your apartment.

I'm sorry.

You gave Scott the key that I gave you?

I'm sorry.

Okay, I get it.

You let me use the luxury
box because you know it'd be

gone and you could come
back here and use the apartment.

I don't believe you.

I trusted you, Drew, and you turned my
apartment into a whorehouse.

I am not a whore.

I'm a barista.

Get out of my apartment!

Look, I know this is
awkward bringing this

up now, but if trailer
asks, we were fishing.

I know this is awkward to hear now,
but I did this all for you.

Really?

Oh, and it's not a holiday, Drew.

It's not my birthday.

It's just because.

I thought me giving my key to you meant
something to you.

It did.

It did.

It did.

But, you know, part of a relationship is
learning each other's likes and dislikes.

And, you know, you clearly don't like
this, so I won't do it again.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, I got your new bed all set up and got
your drinks dry-cleaned here.

Changed all the locks.

Repainted your whole bedroom, huh?

Thank you, Drew.

What's the deal?

I can catch you into the game.

But... did you wax my car?

Well, sweetie, you didn't really say
anything about waxing your car.

I just thought you might
want to, you know, to

make up for the giant
betrayal and all that.

How long are you gonna bust his chops?

I don't know.

I was thinking two weeks or so.

But the problem is I'm running out of
things for him to do.

We got rat traps going off in the attic
like machine guns.

We could use someone to clear those out.

Consider it done.