Original subtitles

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Tyler.

Heard you and Mimi last night.

That was you murdering her.

I'd like to buy you some pancakes.

That was me screaming.

Oh, really?

You're like a fool.

You left the lights on.

The lady you're talking about.

Listen, about that.

You've been here a couple days now.

I was wondering, you know, when you were going to be leaving.

You keep asking me that.

I told you.

When I know, you'll know.

Tyler!

That's my boy, Tyler.

Last night was beautiful.

Did you guys do that outside my bathroom?

Take it to the backyard.

Set it on fire and then bury it.

Can you excuse us a second, sweetie pie?

Sure, honey.

Look, pig, I am tired of you being rude to my guest.

Guest?

Is that what you call it?

Look, I live here, too.

If I'm gonna get my ashes hauled while Gus is at his grandma's, I'm a damn old gunner.

Why don't you spend the night at his place?

As a matter of fact, spend the rest of your life at his place.

You know he's between apartments right now.

He can't very well live in his van.

Well, a little carpeting in a van makes it look just like home.

Oh, great.

There's my morning sausage.

It's up every morning just to keep a job.

I gotta find my way through the summer.

So,

no one owns a piece of my time.

There's a five o'clock meeting inside my clothes.

Take it to the...

I don't know if you're a religious man, Tyler, but it says

in the Bible you're not supposed to lie down with beasts.

You know, Mimi, uh, there's a gallery owner who may want to show my paintings.

Hey, that's great.

So, I was wondering, could you spot me a hundred for supplies?

Sorry, baby.

I don't have a hundred bucks.

All right.

That's fine.

I'll just do a pencil sketch, because this idea is burning a hole in my brain.

No, it's just the eggs you laid in your skull while you were sleeping.

I got 50 bucks.

Will that help?

That'd be great.

Come here.

Now, you better get to work so I can get to work.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Come on, it's coming in.

Doesn't the burning hole in your brain interfere with your cartoon watching?

No, but your talking does.

No, you've done nothing but lay on the couch all week.

You're a mid-level drone.

I don't expect you to understand my creative process.

I don't need your approval.

In fact, I don't need anything from you.

Are those my socks?

Relax, they were the hamper.

Yeah, well, you have sex with Mimi.

What's putting your foot in a dirty sock?

I don't know.

I'm going to take a nap.

Oh, yeah, you've been up for a few hours now.

You must be exhausted.

Why don't you hop on my back and I'll carry up the stairs.

You're being rude again.

You know, a lot of nomadic tribes treat their guests better than their own children.

You're not nomadic.

You never move off the couch.

Shit.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, thanks for letting me do my laundry over here.

Our water electric belts have gotten out of control.

You know, we would all love to sit around all day watching cartoons, but some of us

have to go to work to pay for the groceries.

Yeah, you eat my groceries.

Yeah, that's why I need you to go to work.

I don't know if I'm going to work today.

I don't think I can trust this guy alone at my house.

I don't even know who he is.

Well, if you want to find out more about him, why don't you go through his backpack?

I already know he's a worthless freeloader.

What's going through his backpack going to tell me?

Well, maybe there's an address book with some phone numbers in it.

We could call people, pretend we're thinking about hiring him for a job.

Find out more about his past.

Really?

And what kind of business would we be in?

How about this?

A bookmobile, only for porn.

You know, because people are embarrassed to go out and buy it themselves.

Yeah, it's much better when a big truck with

porn-mobile painted on the side pulls off my house.

We're not going through his backpack.

Well, it's probably for the best.

Every schoolboy knows that World War I was started when Archduke

Ferdinand was shot for going through the Kaiser's backpack.

Yeah, everything is just about half right, don't you?

What's taking so long?

You know, if I get to work late, they give me the toilet brush with the short handle.

Well, I know, but, uh, you know, we were just

trying to find out who this guy Tyler is.

And we just felt like going through his backpack was a line we couldn't cook.

Practically new hairbrush.

Uh, yeah.

How's your natural bristles?

What are you doing going through my backpack?

I had the exact same backpack.

My apologies, sir.

Look, we don't have to go through your backpack to know you're a mooch, all right?

You know, you say you're an artist, but I never see a paint anything.

I use edible body paint on Mimi every night.

Okay, that's it.

I want you out.

Yeah, well, Mimi wants me here.

Not if I tell her what kind of person you are.

It won't matter.

She is crazy about me.

And one day, Drew Carey, I'm gonna win you over.

I'm gonna go beneath that gruff exterior and find

the place where love hides and shine a light on it.

I was wondering what time you started getting wasted.

Question answered.

So you can't believe the nerve of this guy.

I'm in the shower.

He comes in to use the bathroom.

And it's a plastic shower curtain, so I can see

the wiggly shape of a man sitting on the toilet.

Why didn't you just lock the door?

My mom took the locks off when I was 13.

You know, a case of fire.

You know, my mom put a picture of Mother Teresa up in the bathroom.

Making something nutty is no way to stop it.

There she is.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Hey.

There's Loverboy.

I'm eating him here.

He's got painter's block.

Gave him a couple roll of quarters to go to the arcade.

It says it helps clear his brain.

Yeah, listen, Mimi.

Tyler can't stay in the house anymore.

A case is impossible.

He's gotta go.

I see.

You hate him because he makes me happy.

That's 20% of it tops.

He's just looking for free food and a place to sleep.

He's taking advantage of both of us.

He makes me feel good about myself.

It's been hard since your brother left me.

Do you know when the last time a man touched me was?

Excuse me.

You're not gonna understand this, but when the

zookeeper put you under so he could clean your teeth.

No.

Well, it's been a long time, and I can't believe

that you would try and take this away from me.

It's been a tough year with my house burning down, adjusting to being a single mom.

All right, all right.

Your freeloader can stay just a little while longer.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, Tyler and I were taking a shower,

and I yanked your soap dish out of the wall.

I think we have it.

What is the last time Mimi was touched by a man?

Hey, what do you know?

A couple brain cells climbing the tree during the beer flood.

How did it go?

Did you kick Tyler out?

No.

That would require a spine.

I grow one now off to buy all new shirts.

Don't worry.

You know, Gus comes back from his grandma's tomorrow, right?

And he is going to hate Tyler.

How do you know that?

Because it's Mimi's first guy since his dad left.

Besides, you know what?

Kids have a sixth sense about bad people.

Really?

Have you seen the Beck and Mill curtains?

Just trust me, okay?

If Tyler's a bad guy, Gus will hate him.

Mimi will see that and then throw him out.

I guess that makes sense.

You know, Oswald's mom got divorced 30 years ago.

He hasn't liked any of the guys.

She's brought home.

But they're not my dad.

I have a dad.

And once he gets out of prison, we'll be a family again.

Oh, me?

Look, I am going to get you a free beer, okay?

That was all just for free beer, wasn't it?

Mostly.

You know, if Gus likes this guy, I'm screwed.

It could happen.

There was that one kid who liked Louis.

Sweet kid.

It's a shame they had to try him as an adult.

I just wish there was some way that we could

make sure that Gus doesn't like this guy.

I got it.

When Gus gets back, we tell him that Tyler planted drugs on Santa and got him sent to

prison where he was forced to surrender his big

jolly Santa body to a huge skinhead for protection.

What, too complicated for a kid?

And then Tyler made fun of Mr. Cuddles for only having one eye until Mr.

Cuddles started to cry.

Maybe Mr. Cuddles said mean thanks to him.

No, no.

Mr. Cuddles couldn't talk because Tyler had

his foot pressed down on his fuzzy little neck.

You know, Gus, Santa spent five years in a federal hellhole because of Tyler.

What?

No, no, that's a story for Christmas time.

Okay, now, this is just between us, okay?

Yeah, if you tell Tyler, Mr. Cuddles is gonna

wake up finding a stuffed horsey head in his bed.

Where's my Gus?

Yay!

Big guy, did you have a good time at Grandma's?

Yeah, but I missed you, Mommy.

Missed you, too.

Hey, Gus, this is Mommy's friend, Tyler.

I've been really looking forward to meeting you, Gus.

And so has Sammy Swan.

Yay, Sammy Swan!

I like Tyler.

Let's go upstairs and unpack.

You can tell me all about what you did at Grandma's house.

Well, Tyler, looks like I owe you an apology.

I thought you were sitting on your ass all day, and

it turns out you were folding up a Chinese menu.

I also made some long-distance phone calls.

I like to meet new people.

You didn't happen to dial 10-10-9... I'll forget it.

Hey, look, Tyler made me an eagle.

It's my bank statement.

He has my account numbers.

Quick, we'll move your $80 to the Cayman Islands.

Hey, so how did it go?

Gus hated Tyler, right?

Oh, you mean Uncle Tyler, his most favoritest uncle in the whole wide world?

He made him a paper swan.

The kid practically married him.

I love this thing.

You were surprised.

But in my defense, you never told me that Tyler could make paper swans.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Listen, this is a rebound flight of Mimi's.

How long do these things usually last?

I don't know, honey.

A week, two weeks, six months, a year.

What?

It's not a rebound.

The ball doesn't bounce off the rim and hang in the air for a year.

Listen, if you try to keep them apart, you're just gonna drive them together.

It's like Romeo and Juliet.

If I knew there was a double suicide at the end of it, I'd be a little more patient.

If you were smart, you will stay out of it.

I guess you're right.

Mm -hmm.

Gotta find a way to get rid of this guy.

Well, I know a guy who'll beat the hell out of him for 500 bucks.

Or just scare him for 800.

Why does it cost more to scare him?

Gee, I don't know.

I forgot to quiz the knee-breaker on his pricing structure.

I'm looking to pay some guy to hurt him.

He's only mooching off me.

It's not like he's... Hey!

I'll just give him $500 and pay him to leave.

I know what this is about.

This is about not doing it because it came from me.

Mm.

Peep, ma'am.

Hey!

I... Didn't I just give you $500 to leave?

Well, I did leave.

I took the money you gave me and went to the mall.

I bought this hat.

You spent $500 on a hat?

That'd be insane.

I spent $200 on the hat.

And I thought, I look great.

I should go to the track.

Hey, Drew.

Mm.

Thanks, little man.

Ooh, frozen glass.

Nice touch.

You're teaching Gus to mix your drinks?

It's good for him.

Shaking him up is making his little arms stronger.

You better show him to drew your martini muscles.

You know, I was hoping I wouldn't have this talk with you for a couple years.

But stay out of my booze.

Okay.

Okay, that's it.

You gotta get out of here.

I swear to you, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Go ahead.

Beat me to a pulp.

I'll just have to stay here while Mimi takes care of me until my wounds heal.

Some wounds don't heal.

I have a gun, you know.

Mm.

Yeah.

Not anymore.

I pawned it to buy this.

You sold my gun.

Well, I figured with all the animosity between

us, it was a dangerous thing to have lying around.

Did you like that hat to you?

Yes.

How do you like it now?

Huh?

How do you like your hat now, this fancy hat?

Huh?

What, the dollar hat?

I have the receipt.

You could have just returned it.

I'll just... I'll just tell him.

It came this way.

So, ha!

I don't know about this.

Do you mean this guy in public?

I'm not gonna introduce him as the guy I'm hiring to scare off Mimi's boyfriend.

It's just a friend of ours.

Meet this for Peter.

That's it.

You know, I wasn't gonna ask this until later, but I just have to know.

Why is it that you have friends I don't know about?

Here we go.

What, I'm not allowed to have my own life?

You know, the tighter you hold on, the more I crave my freedom.

You know what?

My first instinct was right.

We'll talk about this later.

Fine.

He's a janitor at drug-co, okay?

That's how I know him.

How long have you guys been living together now?

You don't even know, do you?

Lewis?

Oh, hey.

Look, it's my work friend from work, Nick.

Here to have a drink.

There's nothing wrong with that!

Hi.

Hello.

Sorry I'm late.

My daughter Tiffany had a piano recital.

Oh.

How'd she do?

Started off nervous, but she pulled it together.

I'm just so proud of her.

Want to see a picture?

Oh, yeah, sure.

That's my oldest pulled up the bargain.

Oh.

Hey, it's got your eyes.

So, listen, I have a couple of questions.

No, no, no.

Questions go this way.

I need to know that my client's enemies really have it coming.

Someone tried to hire me once because a guy

kind of fell in line at the grocery store.

Okay, look.

First of all, the old man whips out a bunch of expired coupons, okay?

Then he drops his cane and spends ten minutes picking that up.

I have no regrets.

This guy's taking advantage of my sister -in-law Mimi, one

of the sweetest women in the whole wide world, excuse me.

An angel.

From heaven.

He's stealing from this poor single mother and

teaching her five-year-old kid to make martinis.

So, how long have you and Lois worked together?

Not now.

That's awful.

I know from experience, it's hard not being a single parent without some old

life exposing your child to bad influences.

So you'll do it then?

Sure.

I'll snap dad and Indian guys tomorrow.

But the day after that, I can bash his face in with a pipe.

No, no, no.

No violence.

I just want to scare him.

You don't think that would scare him?

No, I don't want any violence.

I just want him to move on, okay?

You got it.

So, here's the money and a picture of him in directions of where he goes and stuff.

I mean, do you want me to just hand it to you or... As opposed to what?

I don't know.

I thought I'd leave it in a locker at the airport or in a hollow tree or something.

Just give it to me.

So, Lois, how you been?

We should grab dinner sometime, maybe catch a movie.

Sounds good.

Wow.

Like I'm not even here.

Hey, cheer for Nick.

It's all taken care of.

He really put a good scare into Tyler.

I'll find out more about it when I go out dinner with him tomorrow night.

Or if Oswald asked, we went roller skating.

Roller skating?

I closed that place down five years ago.

Ice skating?

That place is a mall now.

Horseback riding.

I didn't know you were here.

God, what happened to you?

I got your message.

I'm out of here.

I thought you said he was just gonna put a scare into him.

Well, Nick's pretty emotional right now.

His ex is getting remarried.

He's not even dating anyone.

Yeah, it seemed like something was bothering him.

Look, I don't want any more trouble.

I will be out of here before Mimi gets back.

Look, hey, I'm really sorry about what happened to your face.

He was just supposed to scare you.

That's all.

Did you do me a favor and just break up with Mimi face-to-face, let her down easy?

Yeah, well, cut off both your arms and make you feed them through a wood chipper.

How am I supposed to do that with no arms?

It's your problem, punk.

Hey, Tyler, Gus is at a play date.

You know what that means.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Uh, my gambling debt's finally caught up with me.

I gotta move on.

I don't want to drive you into this.

How much do you owe?

Enough to make them want to cut off my arms and

force me to feed them through a wood chipper.

How can you do that without arms?

Exactly.

These people are crazy.

I don't know what to say.

I can't let Gus be mixed up in any of this.

I'm really gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

And that's why the French don't wash.

It's a nice try.

I know you were listening.

This must make you really happy.

Look, I'm not happy about all this.

But I think you deserve better than what you got.

Hey, you know what?

I may have a guy for you.

I was gonna brush my teeth, but...

I could wait.

I should've been more clear.

I mean, what are you doing in my bathroom at 7.30 in the morning?

Louis introduced me to Mamie.

She's a hell of a woman.

Hell of a woman.

You spent the night with Mamie?

The first of many, I hope.

She's one special lady.

And if anybody makes her sad, I'll do to them what I did to that artist.

I love her.

It was my idea for her to live here after her house burned down.

I love her.

She's my honey bunny.

I'm gonna go, uh, get in the tub.

Keep plugging my hair dryer and throw it in after me, please.

Hey, Kelly.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

Louis told me you were going shopping together for hand towels.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, we were.

They just didn't have the ones that he wanted.

So he just ordered it online.

I'm sorry.

He's a dick, isn't he?

You know, I am gonna get you a free beer.

I'm in so much pain, I don't think one is gonna cut it.

You hang in there, okay?

Thank you.