Original subtitles

Is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

Probably nuts.

Is this your card?

Yes!

Ta-da!

You can't go through your 20 cards and then say ta-da.

Hey Kelly, what's your card?

Oh, I would, honey, but I have to start working an hour.

Look what I found on my windshield.

Like this city needs another strip club.

Oh, a nerd.

Those places take advantage of desperate women.

I know.

I was one of them.

You never even got on stage.

You just clutched your robe and cried.

Which is fine for the beginning of a routine, but it really needs to go somewhere.

Hey, look at this.

An omelet bar.

Oh.

Listen, you don't need those sleazy places.

If you want an omelet and a lap dance, you know where to come.

Oh, Kelly, thanks.

Uh, you know, I think there's a good chance you were talking to me there.

Of course she was, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, you know, if you could play the bass and smoke a cigar and ride a unicycle,

you could save the circus.

I think the circus would be just fine as long as it's

got you in a tent as the amazing woman with a penis.

I just know you played bass.

Oh, yeah.

I used to be a roadie for Fog Hat.

Whenever the bassists would get too drunk to go on, they'd slap a mustache on me,

ham me a bass, push me out on stage.

But now I actually want to learn how to play.

I think that's great.

Oh, so it's okay for a woman to play the bass but not to strip.

Where's the line, Kelly?

I'll tell you where the line isn't.

Anywhere where Mimi's playing the bass, they're stripping.

I said I wanted to get better at it.

What, stripping?

Playing the bass.

Because I'm starting a band.

Great.

Because you know what bands do?

They tour.

And they tour, and they tour, and they tour.

I'm not in it for the money.

I need the creative outlet.

Between my job and being a mom, I need more me time.

When I need me time, I like to rent a boat on the lake.

Open a nice bottle of wine and blow up some fish with dynamite.

Hey, Kelly, I'm looking for some musicians, so

could I put a couple of these flyers up here?

Sure.

Is that your way of asking me to audition?

Oh, no, I already heard you sing.

What's the matter, buddy?

You noticed, huh?

It's Sherry, I think we're through.

What?

You just had dinner with her folks.

I thought things were going really well.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

And then at dinner, she points to me and says

to her, Dad, buy me a car or I marry this.

The whole time at the dealership, I'm thinking,

is this the relationship I really want?

It's tough, man.

You're filing me to a girl with a car, and this happens.

Maybe I should just forget about women.

Maybe I'm just a hideous janitor who's meant to be alone.

Don't give up.

I'm sure there's a wonderful woman out there whose

hideous sister will be happy to settle for you.

Spin your fairy tales for someone whose heart hasn't died.

Eggs and strippers.

This is why people hide off the wheel wells of 747s just to get to this country.

Now, we'll finish up.

I can't believe I let you drag me here in the first place.

Kelly wouldn't want me here.

Just relax and have a good time, would you?

It always cheers me up to look at the naked ladies and

pretend they're poor college girls out to impress me.

The Dean of Admissions.

I don't know why this matters to me, but, uh, Ivy League or State College?

Well, if you must know, it's a small liberal

arts college with an all-lesbian faculty.

Well, at least Oswald's having a good time.

Is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

I'm gonna need another ten bucks.

Is this your card?

No.

Look, if I told Kelly we took you out tonight but I didn't

tell her we took you to a strip club, is that a lie?

She's got low test scores and a lousy GPA.

If she could only give us some reason to admit... Oh, yeah, there we go.

What do you think, Professor Carey?

Should we take a chance on her?

I told you, I don't want to work at your sick little college.

Now, let's focus for a second.

Do I tell Kelly I came here?

Or am I just creating a problem where there isn't one?

If you're gonna act like a girl, take off your top and work the pole.

Excuse me, I need a woman's opinion.

I was wondering if I could ask you a question about relationships.

Well, if it's about your relationship with your

father, I'm probably not the best one to ask.

It's about my girlfriend.

I told her I was coming out tonight, but I

didn't tell her I was going to a strip club.

Do you think that's a lie?

Oh, it's a lie of omission, but I don't consider that a lie.

I mean, I told my boyfriend I'm a dancer, but I left out Buck naked.

Are you gonna get Buck naked?

All in good time, sir.

I thought you were a dean.

I still like teaching the young people of such great energy.

Is this your card?

Yeah.

Hey, can you show me how to do that?

I feel like I should, since you've already spent $150.

In fact, since you're such a nice guy, I'm gonna

take you to the VIP room and show you a better trick.

You forgot the cards.

Oh, I don't need cards.

Hey, Crystal.

Can I ask you one more question?

Oh, sir.

Hey, at this point, you may as well call me Nancy.

Great.

Now she's got my mother's name.

Oi, that works.

What if Kelly asked about what we did tonight?

What should I tell her?

I know.

After here, go bowling.

Then just tell her that you were bowling.

Because that's the truth.

Hey, that's great.

Because my girlfriend really doesn't like these kind

of places, so then I won't technically be lied to.

Pardon me.

Since the morality talk is adding so much to my lap dance,

could we open it up to religion and the death penalty?

Oh, you are tense.

Maybe I can knock the tension out of you with these.

Ow!

Ow!

Stop!

Stop!

Hey, stop!

What's the matter?

Most guys like that.

Well, I didn't.

It really hurt.

Maybe you should hit the gym, pencil neck.

Well, good luck with everything.

Thanks, Nancy.

Does it fank her?

She really hurt me, man.

I can't move my neck.

Well, just rub it.

It can't.

I got a shooting pain down my arm.

You got to take me to the hospital.

All right.

We'll go to Oswald.

We'll take you to the emergency room.

First, we got to speak by the bowling alley.

Bowl a couple of frames.

All right.

Bowling.

Oh, we took Louis bowling in the chairmuffs.

All right.

How'd you do?

I'm not that good.

Oh, boy, that was awesome.

That's too bad, honey.

What was your score?

Uh, you know, I bowled a 200 and some... I can't lie to you.

I bowled a nine.

How did you bowled a nine?

I only had time to bowl one frame, then we had to rush Louis to the hospital.

What?

My God, what happened to him?

Uh, you know, he got hit in the head by a couple of boobs.

I cannot believe he got in the fight.

That must have been awful.

Yes.

Oh, they were huge.

He was two against one.

Oh.

Anyway, good night.

Dilly-bop, dilly-bop, dilly-dilly-dilly -dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly.

Diggin' a big, diggin' a big, diggin' a big, diggin' a big damn hole.

Hey, no, I can't.

Got to fill my car full of gas.

I got it, love.

Gee, haven't seen you guys in a while.

Not since the Star Wars cantina scene.

Excuse me.

We don't have time for your infantile crap.

We are pushing the envelope of conventional song structure.

Sounds like you're pushing an envelope of cats into the lake.

Okay.

Uh, G-sharp.

One, two... Hang on.

We've done a lot of this freeform jazz stuff.

Can we just play a regular song?

I Know Everything by Janet Jackson and all the moons.

No!

No!

I don't want to play a bunch of commercial crap.

I want to play stuff that's personal to me and that expresses how I feel.

Well, Janet knows how I feel.

I don't know how she knows, but she knows.

Hey, can I get a cup of that?

Sure.

You know, I had a dream last night that I was still

married to Daryl and he was lying and running around on me.

And I woke up with this terrible feeling of being betrayed.

Uh, yeah, I had a dream last night that I pushed out

of the way of an oncoming train and sacrificed myself.

I'd do that, you know.

Oh, hey, Louis.

How you doing?

Oh, my neck's a little sore.

I told her the whole story.

If you tell her, it'll just be repeating.

Hey, hey, why don't you go change and I'll take you to breakfast.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, you want to come?

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't want to dilute the painkillers.

I'm suing the strip club.

I need you to testify.

I can't.

Kelly's already getting a bad vibe about last night.

I gotta stay out of it.

You're my only witness without you having got a case.

Look, I may have gotten bum advice about morality from that stripper.

Now, the point is, I lied to Kelly.

And I feel guilty about it.

Come on, Drew.

You gotta do this for me.

I'm off work for a month.

If I don't get my medical bills paid for, I'm screwed.

Sell something.

Sell your mannequins.

They haven't got heads.

They're not worth anything anymore.

Look, we've been friends a long time.

I don't ask for much.

You ask me for everything.

And what's one more thing, you petty little man?

How do I know you're even hurt?

I mean, you've pulled scans before.

Name one.

You carry that dirty old dog tooth around in your

pocket to put it in restaurant salads and get free food.

Okay, you name one.

So I guess you win, big man.

Dude, lawsuits take years.

You're not gonna get your money for a long time anyway.

No, no.

See, I signed up for arbitration, huh?

You don't have to have an attorney, and it's a lot faster.

And when they found out I was attacked by enormous

breasts, they moved my case right to the top of the list.

Do you have to do this with me?

I mean, isn't there someone else in the club that saw something?

Oh, okay.

I'll just go back to the strip club and check the married men's sign-in sheet.

All right.

Okay, I'll do it.

But thanks to you, I have to tell the girl I love the truth.

I hope you're happy.

Get out of here.

Let's pick it up where we left off.

Yeah.

We were talking while you were in the bathroom, and, uh...

you're out of the band.

What?

I started the band.

How could you kick me out?

We got into this to meet men, and you're gonna

scare them away with the racket you're making.

I'll show you racket!

Here's your damn racket!

Get out of my house!

I'll shut up now!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Say hello to MTV, you big bunch of losers!

Uh, Drew, I'm ready.

I need to go.

Let me ask you a question.

You think my music is pretty good, right?

Yes.

Yes.

Maybe I love your music.

Yeah, if you love that, I'll stick a spoon on the garbage disposal for you later.

Come on, I gotta talk to you for a second.

That was really, really big of you to lie to Mimi like that.

Well, Drew, it wasn't exactly a lie.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

It was a bald-faced lie.

But I still love you, and I do not want to break up with you.

Okay, what are you getting at?

Well, you told Mimi a little lie to protect her feelings, and...

I told you a small lie about where I was last night to protect your feelings.

I knew it.

I knew it.

That's... You know what?

That's what the dream was about.

I knew that something was wrong with your bowling story.

Oh, my God.

Did you cheat on me?

No.

What?

No.

That would be really wrong.

Another thing that's really wrong is murder.

Other things I did not do that are really wrong would be arson, grand theft auto,

incense... Okay, Drew, what did you do?

We took Lewis to a strip club to cheer him up, so...

And you thought it would be best if you lied about it?

Yes, it was a lie.

But it wasn't arson.

It wasn't murder.

What kind of relationship are we gonna have if you lied to me?

I'm never gonna do it again.

Certainly not after the big deal you're making out of this.

All right.

All right.

Well, what did you do at the strip club?

Well, I felt really bad about being there, so I was talking it over with Crystal.

Crystal?

She was, uh, one of the strippers.

Her real name is Nancy.

Oh, she told you her real name.

You must be pretty close.

No.

No.

Not at all.

Look, nothing.

Nothing happened.

I'm telling you.

And that's the only lie I've ever told you.

So Lewis really did get in a fight with two guys at the strip club?

No.

I said you'd recall that he was hit in the face by two boobs.

For some reason, you jumped a gun.

All right.

I'm talking to you.

You know what?

Treason.

You can add that to the list of things that I did not do.

You

can take my word for me.

Word?

That means nothing.

Get in his lap and slap him across the face with one.

That would be inappropriate.

Do you mind?

I'm just gonna squeeze on.

Why is that man touching her breasts?

I don't know.

I'm not a lawyer.

Who's doing her?

Well, Lewis subpoenaed me.

He thought that... since I'm a woman, that I'd be a good character witness.

Yeah.

Just do the last couple days.

Hmm.

Has it been a few days?

I haven't noticed.

Well, Mr. Knitsky, they are firm, but I wouldn't

categorize them as nine -pound hammers of doom as you did.

You can step down.

What do you mean, step down?

It's just a chair.

Please don't hit me again!

All right, Spencer Tracy.

Call your next witness.

I'd like to ask Mr. Carey a few questions now.

Uh, remember, you're under oath.

That's right.

I'm under oath.

And what would happen if I lied?

That would be perjury.

You could go to jail.

Well, then you can be assured that anything I say from now on is the truth.

Mr. Carey.

Call me Drew.

Mr. Carey.

Did you see me get hit in the head with the fleshy cannonballs in question?

Yes, I saw the breasts.

But because I was agonizing about being at the strip

club, I could not and did not enjoy the breasts.

Yeah, right.

Mr. Carey, just answer the questions you're asked.

And you, no speaking out of turn.

Thank you.

I'd like to remind everyone that a man has been

injured here and this is quite a serious matter.

Now, at any point, did you hear me ask the defendant

to beat my brains in with our bolters of death?

I get it.

You're saying they're dangerous.

Now, enough.

Well, let me answer that by saying I did not get a lap dance.

Because I have a beautiful woman at home.

She's lovely.

Answer the question.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't hear you request anything but a regular lap dance.

You didn't do anything wrong.

And neither did I.

Because I love you, Kelly.

Would you say that Crystal was operating her breasts negligently?

Well, as a man, he'll never lie to Kelly.

That's it.

Get out of the chair.

I'd like to call up Kelly Newmark, please.

You know you're under oath.

Yes.

I don't need to be threatened by jail to tell the truth.

Now, Kelly.

Call me Miss Newmark.

Kelly.

Would you say generally I'm a trustworthy person?

Well, I don't think you'd start a new relationship by lying to someone.

You're lying to Mimi about her singing.

Sit down.

Answer the question.

Meow.

Have you ever known me to lie about an injury?

Well, if you stopped a woman in the middle of

a lap dance, you must have been seriously hurt.

Hello.

But you really physically hurt.

It's better than the emotional pain you feel

when you're betrayed by someone you love.

Can you order her just to let it go?

Look, I've had about enough.

He's a good guy who made a mistake.

I don't think he's gonna do it again.

You, dummy.

Can't believe that you go to strip clubs when you have that waiting for you at home.

Dump him or forgive him.

What's he gonna be?

Today.

Today.

Okay.

Okay.

I forgive him.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Next time you go to a strip club, I'll ask you ahead of time.

You're not going.

Of course.

Why would I have you?

Now, Mr. Koninski, I think I've heard enough.

I'm going to allow you damages to cover your medical expenses.

Thank you.

But considering that you are a janitor, I have to

deny your request for $4 million in lost wages.

No.

No, no.

This is wrong.

This is never about the money.

This is about the little guy standing up to the big strip club.

I'm gonna appeal.

I will not rest until I... I can get you a free lifetime pass to the club.

Done.

Don't do it.

They're taking advantage.

Why?

We'll go to the newspapers.

We'll go to the TV stations.

Do you have one for my friend?

Sure.

Yes.

Hey, Lewis, you want to go tonight?

No.

Peter, we're going to the strip club.

You want to go?

Sure.

Hey, honey, we're going bowling tonight.

Can you order her to have a sense of humor?

Oh, wow.

You are good.

I've never seen a woman do that.

Slower.

How do you do that?

You weren't kidding.

I had a set of those.

I never leave the house.

Can I touch them?

Sure.

Touch them all you want.