Original subtitles

Yes!

Man, I knew I'd be good with a hot girl.

I wasn't too sure because you were having little problems getting my bra.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Glad I keep scissors in the nightstand.

I'm glad it worked out because you were very impressive.

Well, brace yourself for another go in about an hour.

You want to watch some TV?

What, you're not going to make me cuddle and talk about feelings?

You better save yourself 30 minutes.

Oh, I hate this guy.

Oh, this guy's great.

No, he's not, Drew.

He's a lying right-wing bully.

Well, I think he's a great American who likes

to stick it to liberal, tax-happy spendocrats.

Oh, get this.

Look at the liberal he put on his program for balance.

He's a shaky little man with a wandering eye.

I agree with him, and I can't even look at him.

Oh, maybe God made him ugly because he won't let children train schools.

Oh, I do not believe him.

If it was up to him, everybody would own a gun.

Well, only half the people own guns now, and that's not working out too well, is it?

That doesn't make any sense.

You should have blood back in that bay by now.

Well, what's your excuse?

Your blood doesn't go anywhere.

Does it?

Just how into guns are you?

Well, I keep one in the nightstand next to my scissors.

What is that, for really tough bras?

No.

That's in case some crackhead, the ACLU, let off in

a technicality, tries to come in here and kill you.

Well, that gun is three times more likely to be

used on you, Drew, especially if you don't shut up.

Really?

Are you going to shoot me?

You know, to win the argument, you have to kind of stay on your side of it.

I really do not believe you.

Well, believe it.

Wow.

You know, we're going to be having sex in about

27 more minutes, so you better start coming down.

Moonover Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake, underneath your silvery light.

Get her past the radar mounting.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moonover Parma tonight.

Moonover Parma, shine on I-271.

We can get together in the warm light of the sun.

We're going bowling, so don't lose your insulin.

Moonover Parma.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

So, last night, you and Kelly had a gun.

Oh, she's mad at me.

We're not talking.

All right.

You had sex.

No, that part went fine.

Then we got into a fight about gun control.

Oh, you're lucky.

The last girl I was with just wanted to talk about all the unhappy things in her

childhood that made her get drunk enough to sleep with me.

You know, typically, those go on the hind legs.

Fight me.

They're trailer shoes.

It's one of my many important duties as her new assistant.

Jeez, Mamie, don't you even get to take lunch?

Oh, I'm eating lunch right now.

I'm having a hearty crap sandwich.

Well, trailer treats you so bad, why don't you just quit?

Well, you're right.

I am worth upwards of $1.200.

Hey, Mamie, what about if you got to know trailer better at a party?

That'd be good.

Who's throwing a party?

I am.

Lewis is out of town for the weekend, so I finally get to throw a party.

You know how he feels about joy.

Mamie, how are my shoes coming?

They'll be finished by the end of my lunch hour.

Great.

Then you can throw them in the Goodwill bin in the parking lot.

By the way, Oswald and I are throwing a party Saturday night.

It'd be great if you could come.

Oh, I've never been to one of those hillbilly soirees.

Will I get to see one of your relatives challenge the devil to a fiddle contest?

We'll be there.

What?

Part of being a boss is pretending like you care about the employees.

Ooh, I'll be right back.

I forgot to lock the office and everybody hates me.

So, Oswald, how are things going in the warehouse?

Actually, we could really use better lighting down there.

Yesterday a forklift almost killed... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I look like I have a slot in my head?

Not a suggestion box.

True had sex with Kelly last night.

All right, that's more like it.

Yeah, and it was going really well, and then they had an argument about gun control.

When I jump in here, I can't carry the conversation about my myself.

You finally get a great, hot girlfriend and you're willing

to throw it away because you argued about gun control?

What am I supposed to do, pretend I have no opinions for the rest of my life?

Uh, yeah.

One time in college, I threw pig's blood on an old

lady's fur coat, so a hippie girl would show me her move.

I once pretended to tie my shoes so I could look up a mannequin's dress.

Look, the point is just tell her what she wants

to hear so she'll never stop having sex with you.

That's a great relationship.

You know, I'm not sure that that's the kind of relationship that I want to have.

Oh, so you want a platonic relationship?

Hey, don't worry.

In 10 years, I'll have robots that'll give you sex.

10 years, sure, for the rich.

When can the working man afford a sex robot?

I'm sure they'll have places where he can rent one.

Look, I want a relationship where I can have sex and someone to talk to.

I know it sounds crazy.

Well, so if you don't give up your crazy political opinions, then you'll be

throwing away great sex and a great relationship.

And that makes sense, since the gun lobby would fall apart without you.

Okay, maybe you're right.

How's this?

I'll tell her I respect her intelligence, she made

some good points, and I've re -examined my position.

There.

That doesn't make me sound too whipped, does it?

Drew, compromising yourself for sex doesn't make you whipped.

Hey, these sex bots, if they're made in Japan, will they look Japanese?

Because I'm cool with that.

So then I figured, besides flowers and candles, we'd

have a martini bar with an ice sculpture of a swan.

I like everything you said.

Except, I want to change the flowers for balloons.

The swan for a pony keg, and the string quartet for a moon bounce.

I'm trying to impress a trailer here, and she's hip.

Hip is not a moon bounce.

Hip is an ice swan where you pour booze in

the beak and it comes out the poop or chilled.

I put on airs.

I just want to have a good time.

And I'm trying to hang on to my job here.

Well, it's my house.

All right.

We're gonna settle this.

Thumb or arm?

Arm.

Okay.

One minute.

On three.

One.

Nice, dry, short bus.

Hey, Oswald.

Don't forget to pull the head off or it won't die.

You can fill your weakening already.

Oh, I'm just conserving my strength for the big bus.

Here it comes.

We'll bring it on.

You're going down.

Let's see what you got.

I got an idea.

Let's go half and half.

All right.

We'll do part of my list and part of your list.

Deal.

You can let go now.

I'm gonna go first.

Now, both at the same time.

Okay.

On three.

One.

Oh, wow.

A draw.

Yeah.

Well, Oswald's been working out.

Drew, I just wanted to tell you again that I really appreciated I talked last night.

Yeah.

I think you already showed your appreciation.

It just... It takes a really big man to be so open-minded.

I am glad a gun control thing makes sense to you now.

Well, I did a lot of reading, and it turns

out a lot of shooting deaths are gun -related.

Oh, my God.

You look great in the morning.

You know what?

Let me get you some more coffee.

Hey, you better check your messages there.

Sure.

Hi, this is Dr. Golding's office, confirming

your dental cleaning Tuesday morning at eight.

Thank you, Mr. Carey, for your generous donation to the National Rifle Association.

Curse me about the house of the sheriff.

Okay.

Did you make that donation before or after you said you agreed with me?

Okay.

What do I have to do to get out of this?

Could you blink or talk or something?

Because you're freaking me out.

Did you just say that you agreed with me

about gun control so you could sleep with me?

No, no.

I did it for the relationship.

I said I agree with you.

And we got along.

Yeah, we got along.

And we had sex.

Well, you could focus on the sex if you want to.

The focus needed for me was the intimacy.

Drew, it's only intimacy when people are being honest.

Why are you getting so worked up about this?

Because I was married to a man for 15 years who mocked every opinion that I had.

After a while, I just stopped expressing myself.

And I'm not going to go back to that.

You're focusing on the one thing we don't agree on.

How about all the things we do agree on?

Okay.

Hey, maybe you're right.

Clean air.

Drew, come on.

You cannot be against clean air.

I love clean air.

That is something the government should be passing on

a lot of expensive regulations to make it overly clean.

How can air be overly clean?

All right.

How about, you know, affirmative action, quotas, all that stuff?

You think the best person should get the job, right?

Well, that's easy for you to say, being a white man who gets all the breaks.

Shh.

My servants might hear you.

I don't believe this.

I never expected that we'd see eye to eye on

everything, but we don't agree on anything.

That's not true.

There's plenty of things we agree on.

We'll just avoid the other stuff.

Drew, that sounds like we're running away from our problems.

Well, yeah, but we'll be running together.

And how romantic is that?

Oh, what is this?

I thought you were just going to order pizza.

Well, I thought you deserved something a little more special.

Thank you, Drew.

Oh, this all looks so lovely.

And to keep it lovely, I jutted on a few

topics you might want to avoid talking about.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

Do you mind if I just add a couple things?

Yeah, I hope so.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

That's a landmine.

Oh, that's another one.

Add landmines.

What's wrong with landmines?

Oh!

So, what are we having for dinner?

Duck loranche with meatloaf instead of duck and spaghetti sauce instead of loranche.

Here's to not let the little things get in the way.

Huh?

Oh, that's really good wine.

Where did you get it?

A little market on Lakeside.

Oh, I love that place.

There's this really sweet homeless man that's there, and I always give him a buck.

Well, I hope he uses it for a newspaper to get himself a job.

A lot of those people are mentally ill.

Mentally ill like a fox.

This, please.

Oh,

you know what I heard on NPR on the way here?

No, what?

Nothing.

Outside the bar today, this guy was giving away puppies.

I love puppies.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Yeah.

They're so cute.

Never seen an ugly one?

Oh.

This is good bread.

Twelve grains.

Oh.

What do you think how the grains are?

I don't know, you know, like wheat.

Mm.

Oh.

I bet it says on the package.

Oh, you don't have to.

Well, it doesn't hurt to look.

Trailer.

May I offer you a martini?

Sure, why not?

A martini such a sophisticated drink.

Made with fine liquor and dash of milk.

Of course, piece de resistance.

And a... Wouldn't life be magical if swans really did crap martinis?

You know, I think I'll just have a soda.

Scott, do you want this?

Sure.

I'd drink a martini if it came out of a real swan's ass.

Here, try crab cake.

I love crab.

Seen any good movies?

Nice weather.

Mimi, relax.

I'm having a good time.

I have to admit, this is not what I expected.

Show the lug, everybody, because it's time to decorate cupcakes.

And after that, we're gonna hit the mood bounce.

There it is.

So, cupcakes.

Wonder how many grains are in one of those?

I don't know.

Not 12.

I'll tell you that.

No, that'd be, uh...

That'd be bad, 12-grain cupcake.

That'd be really, really bad.

Yeah.

Bad.

Hey, trailer, come on over here.

Hey, here comes trailer.

Yeah, that's her all right.

Hey.

Did you want something?

Just want to know what's up with you.

Well, uh, I bought a new SUV.

It's the biggest one they make.

And the best part is I get a tax break, because

it's so heavy it qualifies as farm equipment.

Doesn't that get, like, four miles to the gallon?

I wish.

Well, I guess you're not too concerned about the environment.

Oh, not anymore.

Uh, I can hit a deer going 70 and not even feel it.

You know, I hear if you're about to catalytic

converter, you can really increase the horsepower.

Well, maybe she should convert it so it runs on the blood of spotted owls.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't want to hurt the owls.

I mean, they only have a jillium kind of bird instead of a jillium in one.

Yeah, remember to add cars and birds to our list.

I don't have the list anymore.

It's too big to carry around.

Well, maybe when you get home, you can just add my naked body to the list

because you have a better chance at seeing a spotted owl.

Uh, Mimi, some of your guests are fighting in a feud.

Uh, no.

That's political give and take, like salon.

Okay?

It's time to meet some of the other fascinating people at our party.

Uh, they're Sheila.

Sheila has high blood pressure.

Which really bugs you, doesn't it?

That I don't believe in the same stupid crap that you do.

You call what I think crap?

You should go build a house with Jimmy Carter.

Oh, ouch.

Are you comparing me to a Nobel Prize -winning humanitarian?

That prize was bought with peanut money.

Sheila, tell Trill her how you got dizzy at the bank and fell down.

Yeah, they're fair and balanced, just like the slogan says.

They're about as fair and balanced as my grandma's breasts.

All right.

Come on, Scott.

We're out of here.

The wrestling's about to start and I'm wearing heels.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I was smoozing the boss.

I was working it.

Sheila was about to show her the stitches in her

head from when she bounced off the teller's window.

And you screwed it up.

Well, blame Drew.

Well, why me?

Because, Drew, you're in narrow-minded horse's ass.

Okay, everybody, it's face painting time.

I only have orange and I can only do round.

So, basketball's line up here, pumpkins line up here.

Drew, please, I don't want to fight anymore.

Then let's not fight.

I agree.

I'll do my part by going home.

Okay.

All right.

Fine.

We'll talk.

Let's talk.

Okay, what do you want to talk about?

Puppies or bread?

Wow.

How do we get to this?

I don't know.

I... I don't know, Drew.

I thought we were the perfect couple.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe we were just expecting too much from each other.

We were so good as friends, I thought we would be even better as a couple.

We're... we aren't... You're a good couple.

We're just...

You know, we're not perfect.

You know, my cousin and her husband had the perfect marriage,

and it turned out that he was vandalizing cemeteries.

There's a guy at work at Fowler.

He was always bragging about how much he and his wife

loved each other, and then his baby was born half Chinese.

You could be beating me.

Be beating me?

It's not just for men anymore.

You could have a gambling problem or a drinking... a gambling problem.

You know what's really funny about all this is that you saw a near-sighted

overweight guy getting on a bus and thought, hey, there goes the perfect man.

You're close enough for me, Drew.

You want to do it on the coats?

Uh, yeah.

Let me move mine.

I can't do it when Lewis is looking at us.

Do you mind getting the lights?

Yeah.

You want to go to your house?

Yeah.

I'm getting drunk, because I keep forgetting the rules.

Uh, every time the conservative guy says it's Clinton's fault, I take a drink.

Every time the buck-toothed liberal says, let me finish, you take a drink.

Oh, yeah, that's why I can't think straight.

This isn't fair.

You're getting drunk, and I'm thirsty.

Why don't you take the conservative guy?

Fine, because this spineless idiot is killing me.

Damn.