Original subtitles

We need another fork for the salad.

What difference does it make?

We're entertaining gay men.

They always use separate forks for salad.

It's genetic.

Yeah, well, I happen to think that using a separate fork

for your salad's a lifestyle choice, but hey, whatever.

We want everything to be perfect.

Their son is Gus' best friend, and he doesn't have many friends.

That's because they see you picking them up, and

they're afraid to come to the gingerbread house.

They pick Gus up after school every day.

If they didn't watch him till I got home, I don't know what the hell I'd do.

Yeah, maybe you'd move.

Hey, I don't know why I have to be here anyway.

Sometimes they're gonna want to leave Campbell with us, and

they need to know that we're both good, reliable people.

Hey, I'm reliable.

They see me drinking every night at the Warsaw at the same time, same table.

I'm like an alcoholic Swiss watch.

This isn't a good situation for anybody, but we gotta play

the hand we're dealt, and tonight we gotta pair of queens.

Yeah, well, the fight's on at the Warsaw tonight, so let's just feed them.

I'll ask them how to spruce up the living room and get them the hell out.

Hi, Campbell.

Hi, Campbell.

Why don't you take Campbell upstairs and play?

Yeah, why don't you show him your bug collection?

I don't have a bug collection.

Why don't you check it out of my bed where he left the juice box?

Hi.

Drew, this is Russell and Dean.

Hi.

Oh, I love your house.

What you've done is so smart.

Putting your nice stuff in storage until Gus is older.

Thank you.

Oh, I've got some photos of Campbell learning to swim.

It is so funny.

He is the spitting image of Russell, even though they use my sperm.

You know what?

I just remembered I gotta put some cream in the alfredo sauce.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

Hey, you remember my niece, the stripper?

Yeah.

Remember my cousin, the secretary?

It's a fun game.

You should, uh, play more often.

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

She's not a stripper anymore.

Oh, really?

That's good.

She's a nice girl.

I'll let you get out of there.

Phew.

Me too.

Anyway, she's a prostitute in Vegas now.

And she told me that she spent last night with

the Russian boxer who's in the fight tonight.

They were making love in the shower, and he slipped and threw out his back.

They had to shoot him full of Demerol, just so

that he could make a muscle at the weigh -in.

Yeah, so we're gonna bet on the other guy, and we're gonna make a fortune, huh?

You in?

Oh, I can't afford it.

I'm raising a kid and a head of cattle now.

Fair enough.

Hey, at least you want to come to the war cell and want to fight with us?

Well, if I can get two gay guys to eat fast, sure.

Hey, if you don't want to hang out with us, just say so.

No, it's just you guys in there.

They're friends of Mimi's.

They babysit Gus.

She thinks it's important that I have dinner with them, so... Wait a minute.

You're giving Gus and Mimi a home and helping support them?

Don't you think that's enough?

You know what?

You're letting her walk all over you.

Yeah.

You should walk right in there, lay down on the law, and

see what it feels like to be the man of the house again.

If what you're saying is we should sneak out the back door, then I agree.

Let's get out of here, too.

Uh-huh.

Where do you think you're going?

You're not sneaking off to the bar, are you?

Uh, you know, I was, but since you're watching, I guess all we're doing is leaving.

Oh, that's good.

Well, I'll just tell your nephew that all men run away.

First his father, and now his uncle.

And when he's looking for love at the business end of a craft pipe, I'll just

explain to him that his uncle thinks pretty much anything's more important than he is.

Well, you know what?

Hey, ever since you've lived here, it's been all about you and what you want.

Well, those days are over.

Now, it's about me and what I want.

Can I have a thigh?

Thighs are for company.

You'll get a wing and you'll like it.

And the swim instructor said that in all the years he's been giving private lessons

he's never seen a five-year-old swimming in the water.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

I've been monopolizing the whole conversation.

So tell us about yourself, Drew.

What is it that you do?

Uh, I'm an internal expediting analyst.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

Yeah, not till now.

Gus drew a picture of a fish yesterday, and that was so life-like.

Each scale was shivering.

Hey, I'm gonna do the dishes.

Oh, I'd like to help.

Campbell drew a giraffe in his preschool.

Go, go, go, go, go.

I'm sorry about that.

I love the kid as much as Dean does, but he can't talk about anything else.

Yeah, Mimi's the same way about Gus.

Everything he does is amazing.

Yesterday, she woke me up to go upstairs and watch him take a nap.

I was asleep on the couch.

Why didn't she wake him up and come down and watch me?

Look, I'm sorry if I was in a mood earlier.

My company was gonna fly me to Vegas to see the fight tonight.

You got tickets to the fight?

How'd you swing that?

My investment firm manages money for a lot of athletes.

We do business with one of the fighters.

Oh, that's a coincidence.

I have a friend who's niece does business with one of the fighters.

This is the main event starting right about now.

You know, there's a bar down the street that's showing the fight.

Really?

Yeah, and, you know, it's the weirdest thing.

We're out of soap.

Oh, well, here, if you take this and you put a little water in and swish it around,

you should have enough to finish it up before you...

We're out of soap.

Oh.

Maybe we should go out and get some.

Yeah, but I don't know where the store is.

You know what?

I bet if we stopped at the bar, they'd be able to tell us.

Here you go.

You know, I haven't seen my boyfriend all week.

He must be keeping him pretty busy.

Well, I bit him, so when the moon is full, he turns gay.

I know.

That's not what I mean.

I just wish, you know, I just wish that Drew had a little bit more stuff.

Maybe next time you're out, you could just swing by a

men's store and buy him a pair of pants that aren't beige.

So you think just because I'm gay, I can pick out fashionable pants?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to stereotype.

No, it's okay.

Most of us are pretty good at it.

I was just yanking your change.

Oh, thank God.

Because you are the only one of Drew's friends who knows how to dress.

No offense, guys.

Oh, none taken.

I found the shirt and a tree.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

Hey, you never told us how the car show went last night.

Oh, it's great.

He had VIP passes, so I got to sit in 007's Esta Martin.

Oh.

Which 007?

Timothy Dalton.

They don't let people sit in the Sean Connery one.

Excuse me.

I got to take this.

Hey, so, uh, did you ever thank your niece for that big tip on the Russian boxer?

It wasn't her fault.

Who knew a guy full of Demerol could win a fight?

We thought it would just make him sleepy.

Turns out he couldn't feel a thing.

The other guy just punched him in the face for

12 rounds till he fell over from exhaustion.

Yeah, boy.

Thors, drugs, and boxing.

Who'd have thought anything could go wrong?

We learned an expensive lesson.

We're done with gambling.

You know, Tiger Woods is playing an attorney in Akron next week.

Maybe we should bet against him.

You're right.

I'll sell my car.

Haven't you guys lost enough money?

Yep.

That's why I'm thinking, we ought to keep betting.

Any good bookie will tell you, as long as you

keep gambling, you're bound to win it big.

Normally, I'd be skeptical, but I've never heard

of compulsive gamblers losing twice in a row.

It's unbelievable.

Someone just offered me floor seats to the Cavs game tonight.

You're kidding.

Yeah.

I wish I could go.

But Dean's meeting me here before we go to the restaurant.

We're celebrating tonight, because he's turning 37 and a half.

Who celebrates a half birthday?

Forget about the game.

I'm just telling you we're not going, because it's stupid.

I know.

But he's stuck at home all day with the kid.

I guess twice a year, I can take him to a restaurant and try

to explain to the waitress why we need half a birthday cake.

These are floor seats.

Seven-foot-tall Serbian could fall in your lap.

Tell me you haven't thought about that.

No, I'm married.

I'm not dead.

I don't even know why we're disgusting.

Dean's never going to let me go.

Well, you know, telling me I have plans, I'll just tell her the plans change,

you know?

It's not the meaning of the relationship.

Why are you whispering like a girl?

Look, I'm not telling you what to do.

I'm just saying you can make it up to Dean some other night, like his three-quarters

or some other make-believe fractional birthday.

What?

You're right.

If I want to go, I should be able to.

Hey.

Hey.

Would you be terribly hurt if we celebrated your birthday tomorrow instead of tonight?

The office called like a floor seat to the Cavs game.

What's the lifetime opportunity?

How many times do you think I'm going to turn 37 and a half?

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Tomorrow, I'll get tickets to the symphony and a room at the Ritz-Carlton.

Okay.

And, of course, a bottle of Dom Perignon.

Oh, and did Cyrano here help you come up with this?

This isn't about Drew.

Oh, really?

Please.

Everything's about Drew.

You've been with him every night this week.

You have him Tuesday.

Hey, Drew, if you love my husband so much, why don't you come over and do his laundry

and cook his meals and hold them when he comes

home shaking because they're mean to him at work.

Ouch.

Uh, you know what?

Russell, why don't you just take Dean to the basketball game?

Because he doesn't like anything I like.

We go to Vegas four times a year to see Cirque du

Soleil, but you won't even come to one ballgame.

Oh, my God.

Let's never fight in public again.

You know I don't like it when you tell me what to do.

You told me you thought those acrobats were world-class athletes.

I was only trying to get you in a decent mood so I could get some.

Happy half-birthday to you.

Happy half-birthday to you.

No, it's not a happy half-birthday.

It's the worst one ever.

Go to your game, okay?

And you know what?

Don't bother coming home.

You might as well just spend the night at Drew's.

Uh,

you know, I don't think my female girlfriend would appreciate that.

You know, you're always talking about your female

girlfriend, but how come you never bring her a room?

Tick a champ.

Dean left me.

He took Campbell to move back to his parents' house in Youngstown.

Well, why the hell would he do that?

Because I blew off his half-birthday and took Drew to the game.

I guess it was a big deal.

Oh, don't worry.

He'll be back.

I mean, there's not even enough culture for straight people in Youngstown.

I hope you're right.

Listen, do you want these tickets for the Cavs game tonight?

I'm the no-moo to go.

You should take Kelly.

Don't take her for granted, Drew.

Yeah.

All right.

Uh, hey, listen.

Uh, in the future, any shot that Dean might drive

in from Youngstown and pick my kid up from school?

He said he's never coming back.

I'll see ya.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Wow.

He's really shook up.

He even forgot to give me parking passes.

All I said was be nice to the gay couple, not create a three-man love triangle.

Hey, I didn't do anything.

I can't help it if Dean's jealous.

What, you think I can turn this off?

Well, what are you gonna do about Gus?

Because I can't take time off to watch him.

I don't have any vacation left.

Do you think of something?

Yeah.

I just did.

Since we can't afford daycare and this is your fault, you're gonna use your vacation

days to watch Gus until I can figure something out.

Oh, thanks for the tickets.

Hey, you know what?

I'm kind of tired.

Why don't we play a game?

All right?

Why don't we see who can lay down for the longest with their eyes closed?

I bet I win.

Okay.

Okay, you win.

Let's play again.

No, you know what?

Why don't you go watch some of your mind -numbing videos?

I'm hungry.

How can you be hungry?

I just made you a grilled cheese sandwich.

You used white cheese.

I like yellow cheese.

Well, if you didn't eat it, then where is it?

I stuck it in your bowling ball holes.

I thought I told you yesterday not to do that anymore.

You didn't tell me today.

I will give you $50 if you just let me take a nap.

No.

All right.

Then why don't you go get a real hammer and let's get this over with.

Hey.

Hey.

Um, hi, Gus.

Hi, Kelly.

So, what's going on, you guys?

Where's Mimi?

She's not home yet.

Gus, why don't you go upstairs and flush another one of my ties down the toilet?

Yeah!

Drew, what's going on?

We have dinner reservations at 6.

You were supposed to be ready.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.

Oh, come on, Drew.

I was really looking forward to this.

I've been working all week.

Oh, and watching a child all day isn't working?

I didn't say that.

Well, you didn't have to.

Drew, you need a night out.

I'll drive.

I'll pay.

Why don't you just go and put on those nice pair of pants that you and Russell bought?

They make me look fat.

Okay, Drew, you can't keep going on like this.

Sure I can.

I have six glorious days of vacation left.

Well, maybe Russell and Dean will get back together.

Russell says Dean isn't even returning his calls.

Well, maybe you should just go and talk to Dean.

Yeah, well, it is a vacation day.

A drive to picturesque Youngstown sure would put a capper on it.

Sorry I'm late.

Traffic is lousy.

I don't suppose you made anything for dinner.

No, but you can suck a grilled cheese out of my bowling ball.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

I came to see if Dean was around.

Oh, you're Drew.

Busted up my son's marriage over some basketball tickets.

Did he mention there were floor seats, sir?

It's a whole different speed down there.

Dean has nothing to say to you.

Come on, give me five minutes.

Okay, you know, now that you're in my house, anything I'd do to you is self -defense.

And you're Dean's dad, huh?

I guess that settles the nature-nurture question, doesn't it?

Dad, I'm 37 and a half.

I don't need you to fight my battles.

I was just trying to be sensitive to your delicate emotional state.

Don't let him get outside, because then legally we can't do nothing.

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

I should have never got involved in your relationship with Russell.

That's right.

You shouldn't have.

You have no idea what my life is like.

You mean being Ron Reagan all day?

Thought a moment to yourself without getting even

the slightest bit of credit or understanding.

Wanting just once, just for one night to go out and be with

adults and have fun and feel attractive and be pampered?

You may look like a mean old lesbian, but you're a sensitive guy.

I just want to tell you that what you do is great.

I think you're a hero.

Oh, thank you.

So Campbell and I make cupcakes today.

Do you want one?

Oh, you know, Gus and I made cupcakes the other day.

Yeah?

Little faces on them.

I ate one and he called me a killer.

He cried for an hour.

That's adorable.

You know Campbell misses Gus.

And Gus misses Campbell.

And Russell misses Campbell.

And Russell misses Dean.

Well, I miss him too.

Well, don't you think you two should be together?

No.

Not until he stops taking me for granted.

Well, maybe he had a little visit from the common sense fairy.

I mean, I don't mean fairy.

Oh, damn.

You know, I had a little talk with Russell and I

think you might see things a little differently now.

Oh, Russell.

Hello, Dean.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

I should have been more considerate of your feelings.

I should have communicated to you that I wanted to do some more guy things.

Okay, and I...

Well, I suppose I can give you more freedom as long as you don't forget about us.

See?

Now you're understanding each other's needs a little more.

That's great.

That'll lead to an even stronger, you know, unrecognized marriage.

So, Tiger won again, huh?

Yeah.

With concentration.

So, what'd your bookie say about that?

He was very supportive.

He said, you know, hang in there and he upped our limit.

He's got another tournament in two weeks.

Let's see how good Tiger is when a cherry bomb goes off in his bag, huh?

I'll get him.

If he's no Tiger Woods, I'll tell you then.

Hey, guys.

Good to see you guys back together again.

Thanks.

Things are good with us.

Oh, before we go, I just want to say goodbye to Campbell.

Hey, sweetie.

Daddy and daddy are going on a cruise now, and we'll see you in six days, okay?

Uh, this is about six days.

Oh, the cruise.

Mimi said you wouldn't mind watching Campbell while we were gone.

Come on.