Original subtitles

Pass it, Oswald, pass it!

What if I can't listen and play at the same time?

Nothing personal, sir.

I kick everybody when they're down.

It's my move.

Jimmy, you have to forget about winning and losing.

It's all about the journey.

Man,

I thought I was bad at this game.

Turns out the problem was him.

Okay, uh, let's play again.

I want to be on Evan's team.

No, there's no way.

The boss and I are partners.

We're, uh, Foos Buddies, right?

That's right, Drew.

There's a connection here.

I think we were Foos Ball partners in another life.

Yeah, maybe, uh, Ancient Rome.

That wasn't me.

Evan, we have a meeting with our investors.

Time to put on the suit.

Oh, man, I hate my suit.

I started my own company so I wouldn't have to wear it.

Look, rich old white men don't give millions of dollars to someone who looks

like they just wandered out of a head shop.

Scott, the necktie is a noose.

It chokes your soul.

Hey, you're so good she's doing.

Hey, Mimi, here's something I bet you haven't heard since your roadie days.

I'll take you both on.

Stop playing this stupid game.

This is ridiculous.

Lunch ended 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, we're just gonna play one more game.

Well, play on your own time.

It's time to get back to work.

What?

Hey, I made you boss.

I'm above you.

You're only above me in income, education, and life expectancy.

Oh, maybe you're right.

I guess there's no harm in a little extra playtime.

I mean, all the other internet companies do it.

Oh, wait, they're dead.

You still here?

You screeching bag of bones?

Hey, on the height-weight charts, I am clearly inside.

You know, we need to stop doing this.

We have to create... Blah, butty, blah, butty, blah.

You know, Evan, our boss, and my friend, put

this foosball table in here to increase morale.

And he's the boss.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, he is part of the problem.

Oh, you better watch it.

He's gonna hear that as soon as I repeat it to him.

I think nothing can happen to you.

Well, you're wrong.

Just because you have one of the bosses in your

pocket doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.

Where is she heading off to?

You know, she's not going to lunch.

But it's a 5 o'clock world when the whistle blows Oh, it's a piece of my time

And there's a 5 o'clock read satin' by close Thinking that the world looks fine

Had a full day of playing computer games and playing foosball.

Could you go home and ice up my wrist?

Want that interfere with your plans for the evening?

No, because I have a girlfriend.

Why?

What are you gonna do?

Go home and eat at dinner for one and then hang yourself in front of your cat?

You know who'd appreciate your wit?

Your poverty-stricken bus friends.

Show so much you know, because they don't get me at all.

Hey, Drew, we gotta get going.

That movie starts in 20 minutes.

I'm ready.

Trailer, somebody told me you were upset about the foosball table.

Negativity is not the answer.

Don't tear down.

Filled up.

Pick up a hammer.

Make a difference.

Let's go, Drew.

Give me a hammer.

We'll make a difference.

Scott?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

What's on your mind?

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm doing fine.

Why do you ask?

Well, because, um...

while everybody's out there playing games, I know how

you're busting your butt to keep this place afloat.

Well, you know, I believe in a strong work ethic and

all of my self-worths tied up in my expensive things.

Oh, hey, me too.

Just, um...

you know, it makes me mad that Evan gets to be everybody's best friend and you have

to be the grown-up who makes all the hard decisions.

Yeah, that's just the way Evan's built.

Hmm.

Yeah, well... I like the way you're built.

Oh.

Uh, you know, um... Evan's going on another retreat.

Oh, yeah, how long do I have?

What?

How long is he going for?

Ten days.

Hmm.

Well, again... if you need anything...

anything at all.

So, uh, what are you working on?

Monthly sales figures.

Oh, wow.

Gross sales are way down.

Smells like strawberry.

No, no, no.

Don't be sorry.

It's fine.

You know, what if we ran a promo for free shipping

and then we made up for it with extra handling fees?

Handling fees.

I like it.

Because what are handling fees?

Nobody knows.

That's the beauty of it.

I was going to pay a homeless guy set the warehouse on fire

and collect the insurance, but this is a much better idea.

Oh, I like a man who takes action.

Me too.

I mean, he can't get the peaches unless he shakes the tree.

Oh, trust me.

The peaches are worth it.

So, how'd your date go with Emma?

It wasn't a date.

Gee, just because you have dinner and a movie

with a guy doesn't mean you're on a date.

Well, I hope you gave it up, because we need an air hockey table in the break room.

Hey.

Aw.

No, no.

It's like watching your brother and sister kiss.

I didn't like it then.

I don't like it now.

Drew and I, we've been beginning to talk to you.

Um, we're new couples, so we are going to need some alone time.

But you guys are very important to us.

Well, you're important to us.

That's why I have to tell you this.

You're holding my scratch in here.

Ah!

Me too.

Oh!

Oh, wow.

Hey, how come every time I try to grow a mustache, it's thin and wispy?

Hers is all thick and lusterous.

Stop it.

That's me.

Who is that?

It's Annabelle.

She's the new cook, and she's very nice.

Yeah, I guess she'd have to be.

Sorry, it's me.

I'm sure she can't help it.

She was, you know, born that way.

A million years ago, she was frozen and ice and

found by villagers in the mountains of Italy.

Shh!

She may have cleaner hearing than we do.

What... what... what was that about?

Is there something going on between you two?

Actually, we've been out a few times.

She's very nice.

We enjoy each other's company.

So, is it serious?

Well, so far, we're just taking it slow.

You know, just holding hands.

She's a good cat, but, girl, I do want to take advantage of her.

Please.

Small pepperoni pizza for you.

And a small pepperoni pizza for you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You don't want to take advantage of her, huh?

Hey, I meant sexually because...

Well...

Come on!

You know what?

She gets a little self-esteem.

I get a little free food.

There's nothing wrong with that.

All relationships are based on give and take, huh?

That's a small price to pay.

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

I guess I could go over there and gloat, but... Drew Carey's a bigger man than that.

You want me to have Fuzzy Wuzzy make her up a nice pizza?

Hey, listen, uh...

I just want to say I'm sorry I told Evan on you, but, uh...

you were kind of a buzzkill.

So...

maybe next time you won't overstep your authority

and start bossing around one of your co-workers.

Lesson learned.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Scott.

Hey, honey.

This is where you need a time machine.

Are they taking the foosball table?

Stop talking to me.

It would be like an unscheduled break.

Good morning, Drew.

Scott's made some policy changes, some of which he agrees with.

You have to be in at eight now?

Oh, that's at your desk working at eight.

When we're overtime, only 30-minute lunches?

Mm-hmm.

I'm not supposed to get to a bar back in 30 minutes.

Who's those guys?

Mm -hmm.

They're measuring for the cubicles.

Guess what trailer pulled after you left.

She replaced the full-spectrum light bulbs for fluorescence.

I'm gonna have to get all new makeup.

Yeah, make sure you get some primer.

You don't want that stuff to bleed through.

If she does one more thing at work, I swear I'm gonna snap.

Yeah?

Get ready to snap.

Get this.

She had them take all the doors off the bathroom stalls.

Now I can't nap in there anymore, but I can

put the faces to the noises, and it's not good.

Here you go, honey.

You leftovers.

It's really good to see you tonight.

Yeah, it was fun.

So, uh...

Lunch tomorrow?

Well, you guys excuse me for a sec, and I think Annabelle needs my help.

Uh, Annabelle, can I just talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Um, I noticed that Lewis has been spending a lot of time with you.

Getting kind of serious, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

He's my first boyfriend.

Well, no kidding.

Lewis is the first guy who ever paid any attention to me.

You know what?

We should have a girl's day.

We should go to the spa and get our nails done, and then have them pour hot wax on

us and rip out everything by the roots that doesn't belong.

Isn't that hurt?

Um, I'm not gonna lie.

It feels fantastic.

Look, all I'm saying is, if we wait until Evan gets back from that stupid retreat,

she'll have crawled all the way up Scott's ass,

and she's gonna be wearing them with a suit.

I know what the problem is.

The question is, what are you gonna do about it?

All right.

I'll find Evan and I'll talk to him.

Hey, Evan.

Shh.

I'm far away.

Give me a minute to come back.

Is there a vending machine around here I can get a soda or something?

Why are you here?

There's a problem at work.

It'll resolve itself as the universe intends.

Charlie's having sex with Scott.

Really?

Yeah, she's got him wrapped around a little finger.

They took the foosball table away.

There's no more flex time.

They're talking about putting in cubicles.

I'll fix it when I get back.

There's no time.

They took the doors off the bathroom stalls.

I made eye contact with an old man in the john today.

I couldn't look away.

You need to relax.

Here.

Sit with me.

Close your eyes.

Clear your mind.

I can't close my eyes.

I keep seeing the old man.

Look, if you don't get back to the office, trailer

is gonna force you out of your own company.

Drew, Scott's my brother.

He's my partner.

He would never toss me aside for a woman.

He's a computer geek.

He's having sex with a beautiful blonde.

If she wanted your kidney for a paperweight, you'd wake up in a bathtub full of ice.

Drew, can we talk about this later?

I haven't had anything but tea for 48 hours.

And I think I'm dying.

No, look.

They're gonna destroy everything you work for.

Don't you see?

You can't meditate your problems away.

It's... sometimes you have to stand up.

You know?

Stand up and fight for what you believe in.

So you mean like in Lord of the Rings?

Maybe.

Because it sounds like when Frodo decided to fight the power of the Nazgul.

Yes, yes.

It's exactly like Lord of the Rings.

So I need to be strong and carry the burden of the ring into the darkness of Mordor.

Look at your sandwich.

Hey, Annabelle, let's rattle some pans in there.

Daddy's hungry.

Hey, you know, the way you're leading Annabelle on,

you're eventually gonna have to pop the question.

Will she cook for both of us?

Here you go, sweetie.

Holy crap, you've done something to your hair.

Do you like it?

I said holy crap, didn't I?

Yep, we had a day of beauty.

And night.

Part of the next morning.

Wow, well, you look so pretty.

I bet you could swim faster, too.

Could you excuse us for a moment?

Okay.

Wow, you really look beautiful.

I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time.

Oh, Lewis, I didn't think you'd notice.

I would have noticed from an airplane.

You're so sweet.

You know, up until now, we've been taking it kind of slow,

but I think it's time for us to take it to the next level.

Sexual intercourse.

Would the lady care to accompany me to the back seat of her car?

So now that I look like this, you want to have sex with me?

Oh, yeah, you can reheat the pizza when we're done.

Garbage.

Before, I was only good enough to cook for you, but

now that I have two eyebrows, everything's different.

Oh, no, it wasn't just the eyebrows.

It was the whole monkey mask thing.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Excuse us.

Listen, you need to exert that, all right?

But you know what?

This is our first fight, huh?

We can get past this.

What do you say we start over, huh?

You know, with all that hair in your face, I

never really noticed what a nice can you have.

Did you see her go?

She does move a lot faster without all that hair.

How long has Evan been in there talking to Scott?

A while.

Well, I hope he sticks to his guns, because I heard that Scott is gonna stop

us from making personal calls at the office,

which is basically my long -distance plan.

Well, everything worked out, Drew.

Great.

Yep, I quit.

I'm leaving the company.

Well, what happened to fighting the Nazis with

Ringworm and entering the darkness on a moped?

Trailer, I know this is sudden, but would you make me

the happiest CEO in the world and be my vice president?

I'd be honored.

Every little girl dreams of the day she takes over a company.

Well, you wouldn't actually be taking over... Whatever, shh.

What have you done to us, you simple -minded hippie?

Hey, it's cool, Drew.

I've got you covered.

I'm starting my own company, and I'm taking it with me.

Really?

Yeah.

It's gonna be a place where employees work in a nurturing, positive environment.

Oh, come into that.

First... Hey, Scott, kiss my crack, you spineless yuppie dork.

And you, Yoko, I'd tell you to fight me, but I don't

want to ruin your appetite for your daily raisin.

Can I go with you?

Of course.

I pin-pricked your condoms.

Good luck.

The new beginnings.

So, tell us about the new job.

Well, we're gonna teach computer skills to Native

Americans on the poorest reservations in the Southwest.

This is saying what?

Uh, is this a government scam or something?

How are we gonna get paid?

No, no, we'll get paid.

Some of the Native Americans will pay us in vegetables,

some with turquoise jewelry, some with just a smile.

Say what?

Yeah, see, here's the thing.

The, uh, bank that I pay my mortgage to, they... they don't take smiles.

Yeah, how the hell are we gonna get money to pay our bills?

Well, I'm gonna get a lot of mine from selling my half the company to Scott.

And you're gonna pay us out of that?

No, if I give you money, I won't be able to help the Indians.

Isn't that what we're trying to do here?

No.

No, as a matter of fact, right now, I'm

trying to figure out a way to get my job back.

So you guys don't want to work for free and help Native Americans?

No!

Oh!

Oh!

Now I feel bad about this.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell Scott that I won't make the deal with him, unless they rehire you guys.

That'll be okay, right?

I mean, you know, just because you tell your boss

to kiss your crack, he knows that's business.

It's not personal.

Yeah, and so Scott got V.D.

and trailer got pregnant.

We'll just all look back on it and laugh.

Well, it's midnight.

I'm gonna punch out.

This whole area is waxed, so don't walk on it for an hour.

Yeah, hey, I'm really sorry about the eye contact and the john earlier.

The floor wax smells toxic.

Do you think it's gonna kill us?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm counting on it.

Why him?

What does he give her that I do?

Respect.

Honesty.

Sensitivity.

Compassion.

Decency.

Affection.

Sincerity.

Encouragement.

Support.

Appreciation.

Kindness.

Take a bite of this.

Does that taste like feet or ass?