All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S09E03.Liar.Liar.House.On.Fire-ing

Did you stop it?

Jeez, you've been clicking for an hour.

Would you just stop it?

I only sat down a few minutes ago.

Why don't you go read someplace else?

I always read the paper at the kitchen
table.

I always do this at the kitchen table.

Anyone else?

I'm sick of cleaning up after you.

Were you raised at a barn?

It was rhetorical.

Forgive me if I have other things on my
mind.

My son's a pyro, and I'm
trying to get the insurance

company to pay for the
house that he burned down.

The therapist said we're not supposed to
call him a pyro.

All right?

He's a normal boy who expresses himself
through fire.

You know, if you shut your beer hole for a
minute, I can fill out this claim form,

get my check, and move the hell out of
here.

It can't happen fast enough for me.

Preaching to the choir.

Hey.

What happened to all the milk?

I used it to soak my feet.

It's called a milk bath.

A lot of women do it.

Why don't you soak your head?

I'll soak my head while you bite me.

You know I went to the grocery store this
morning?

Why don't you put this on the list?

I didn't want to walk over to the list and
track milk all over the floor.

How long till that check gets here anyway?

About two weeks.

What are you stirring for?

There's no milk.

Well, whose fault is that?

Cincinnati, huh?

Hey, you know what?

Let me spare your car.

It might be faster if I just drive it down
there.

Take your time.

By the way, I was supposed to take Gus to
the park today.

Just tell him I'll take him tomorrow.

Oh, we won't even know you're gone.

He's watching a video.

Mind your manners and remember what the
therapist said.

I know.

Make friends, not fire.

See, Gus?

They got its pool party.

Hey.

It's here.

The check.

Goodbye, toilet.

Yeah, good ritz.

Now you can take your
knuckle-cracking, spoon-clinking... Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

No, uh-oh.

You beat it.

You piece of sound people make when money
comes.

There's a problem with the claim.

They're sending a representative to look
into the matter personally.

You stupid, stupid woman.

You couldn't even handle a simple
fraudulent insurance claim?

Damn it.

Maybe they didn't buy the part about the
electrical fire.

Maybe the fire department decided it
wasn't an accident after all.

We'll fix it.

I have to burn this place down to hide the
parts of you that won't fit in the freezer.

Bring it on, rookie.

Right now we have to get your story
straight for the insurance company.

Well, we need something specific,
but not too complicated.

How about this?

We were sitting in the living room watching
pillow talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

How about, uh, I don't know, how about the
hours?

Fine.

We're in the living room watching the
hours.

And you turn to me and you say,
what's that smell?

That's not a stretch.

And I say, look, there's smoke in the
kitchen.

And then you get all hysterical
and you start screaming

and you run out of the house
like a frightened schoolgirl.

No, it's got to be believable.

Okay, we're watching the hours.

You're in your fourth beer scratching your
back with a fork.

Suddenly I smell smoke.

I run in the kitchen to fight the fire
because heroes don't think they do.

Well, how about this?

We're watching the hours.

I smelled the smoke.

You ran into the kitchen.

And Gus... Gus was
upstairs the whole time.

Oh, good.

But the arsonist at the scene of the
crime.

Better yet, him upstairs dancing around a
bonfire.

All right.

But whoever we say was watching the kid
has got to be somebody believable.

Somebody sweet and kind.

With a lot of credibility.

Hey, looks, need to ask something.

Shoot.

Where's Kelly?

I watched him mustard out of Oswald's eye.

Tip on the squeeze bottle jam,
then he just had to have a look.

It stings a lot more than ketchup.

But not as much as Tabasco.

So you're gonna help us and say you were
watching Gus?

All right.

I'll try, but I'm not a very good liar.

It's okay.

Just tell us where you and Gus were on the
day of the fire.

And have some fun with him.

Okay.

I'll try.

Gus and I, we went to the zoo.

No, mom.

No, zoo.

No, mom.

No, mom, mom.

We went to the mall.

See you in prison.

No, no, no.

Come on.

Just give me a chance.

I just needed to warm up.

Just give me a chance, okay?

Um, we went to the mall to buy Gus some
underwear.

No, shoes.

Hat.

Hat.

No.

We went, we went, we went, we went to go
see a movie.

I hope you're a better liar than this by
the time we start having sex.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do it.

I can't do it.

Lying is wrong no matter how much I
justify it.

Look, all I care about is that a single
mother and her child get their home back.

You just want Mimi out of your house.

You're lying right now.

Yes.

See how easy it is?

Give it a try.

You know, I have to say, I'm insulted.

You know I'm the greatest liar that ever
was, huh?

The only one that even comes close is Neil
Armstrong, the moon cubbies.

Okay, we know you're
a fabulous liar, but who

would ever believe that
you were with a child?

You know what?

Just last week I babysat for a guy at
work, okay?

And little Ethan had
so much fun with Uncle

Louis that he asked if I
could babysit next time.

That's a lie, isn't it?

Yes and no.

I did babysit him, but then he cried so
much that I dropped him off at the

restaurant where I'm pretty sure his
parents were having dinner.

You see, what I did there was set up a lie
with a truth.

That's very advanced.

I don't suggest any of you try it.

Wait a minute.

I've always had my doubts that a raccoon
broke into our house, licked the icing off

my birthday cake and broke my too-funked
-to-drop beer mug.

No, that happened.

Okay, sorry.

Somebody straighten out that Jesus and
take the price cake off.

Hello.

I am Mr. Morton from the insurance
company.

Mr. Carey, come on in.

Thank you.

And you must be Mrs. Bobet Carey?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

There was a problem with her application,
so it was red flag.

Let me see if I can find it here.

Look, it's very simple.

My brother-in-law and I were on the couch
watching a movie.

The hours.

A critically acclaimed movie.

I was enjoying a bowl of lime sherbert.

Yes, he loves his lime sherbert.

It's unusual, but that's what makes him,
him.

So, anyway, I smelled smoke.

All the while, I was babysitting the kid.

Yes.

I took him to the bad part of
town to show him how people

turn into animals once they
get hooked on the drugs.

Tell him, you see a man getting stabbed
like that makes more of an impression than

some has-been rock and roller at some
school assembly.

Okay, uh, okay.

Lime sherbert.

Then I smelled smoke.

And then I immediately
ran into the kitchen

where I saw an electrical
fire behind the wall.

Well, not behind the wall, because that
would make him Superman, wouldn't it?

Yeah, what I meant was I saw smoke by the
electrical outlet.

When then I assumed it was an electrical
fire behind the wall by the microwave.

And because I didn't have a microwave,
he meant the toaster.

Well, in my family, anything that heats
things up is called a microwave.

Around this time, Gus and I shared a candy
bar.

Oh, look, I stole the wrapper.

I'm not saying I'm glad
the fire started, but the

hours was a little longer
than I expected it to be.

And I was getting just a little bit
depressed.

Actually, I just came
by because you forgot to

sign the form, which
is the red plastic card.

Oh, oh, silly.

Me.

Well, I guess I'll just sign that and
you'll cut me the check and be on your way.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

I just came by for a signature,
but now that I've heard your ridiculous

stories, maybe you can tell me another
one.

Like, why this isn't insurance fraud?

Well, we haven't done anything wrong.

What's wrong is the insurance
company trying to distract

me from defending myself
by sending a male model.

Yeah, I get my good looks from my stocky
Ukrainian father.

Oh, really?

Was your father a model, too?

I'm going to have to talk to each of you
separately.

Well, our schedules are really crazy.

How about next Thursday?

Hey, we're all here.

Wouldn't it be easier just to do it now?

The movie was just starting.

The movie had just ended.

The smoke was really thick.

It was like a rolling black cloud.

Sort of white and wispy.

Oh, I could feel heat, but I couldn't see
actual flames.

The flames were everywhere.

I think that my son was miles away with
his babysitter, Louis Kniskey.

Yes, Louis Kniskey was watching him.

We don't worry about Gus when he's with
Louis Kniskey.

After we watch a guy get stabbed,
we went to the mall to play hide and seek.

Oh, boy, is he good.

After a couple of hours, I gave up,
went outside and had a beer.

When the mall closed, the guard brought
him out.

Look, I buy that a raccoon could turn a
door knob.

I also buy that he would lick the frosting
off a cake.

But why would a raccoon
drink the last of my

whiskey and smash a
picture at Louis's mother?

Okay, you got me.

Drew made me lie.

She came home drunk.

The fire started when he was cooking up
dope in the kitchen.

Knocked over a lava lamp.

That's covered, right?

The kid's a firebug.

Put him away.

Hey, hey, if you could go back in time and
kill Hitler, wouldn't you?

I think that went well.

Hey, so did the insurance guy fall for it?

Uh, a little louder.

You can ask him yourself.

He's in the living room.

Well, there's one thing that's clear from
the interviews.

You're all horrible,
horrible people who sold

each other out at
the first hint of trouble.

I protected you.

He compared your son to Hitler.

Not the Hitler.

Well, it's clear you're all protecting the
boy.

The only question in my mind is whether
it's an accident or arson.

It was an accident.

Of course, because arson isn't covered,
is it?

I'll have to talk with your son.

Where is he?

He's at a friend's house.

Well, you'll have to bring him down to our
offices tomorrow morning.

Well, it's fine.

We'll be there.

And, uh, buddy, there was no raccoon.

Your friend broke the mug.

So, Drew, this is how I find out.

What?

Not me.

Yeah.

It couldn't have been him.

He was at a Maya Angelou book signing.

Well, our only hope now is to get Gus to
lie about the fire.

Well, I won't teach my son to lie.

Well, what the hell we got to do?

No, listen to me.

I will not teach my son to lie.

Okay, I get it.

I'll teach him how to lie.

Listen, is that you're gonna teach your
nephew to lie?

Gus has problems.

Come on, he starts fires.

He's in therapy.

They fix everything for one price.

When I knocked over a candle and it
started fire, I didn't mean to do it.

Am I in trouble?

I know nothing about nor condone this
behavior.

That was great, honey.

Yeah, that was really good, Gus.

Yeah, I gave him that last part.

It really puts it over the top.

Mr. Morton will be right with you.

Anybody want anything to drink?

Sure, I can go for something.

Great.

There's a vending machine down the hall.

And get me a root beer, would you,
Seabiscuit?

Doris, what did we say about smoking in
the office?

That it aggravates your emphysema.

I'm serious.

Put it out.

Fine.

You must be Gus.

Uh-huh.

Would it be okay if we go talk for a
minute?

Sure.

Now, answer whatever questions that Greek
God asks you, honey.

Hey,

so, here's a hypothetical question.

If you're convicted of
insurance fraud, the correctional

facility they send you to, is it
a rapey one or a tennis one?

They're all rapey.

You got nothing to worry about,
huh?

Look at that kid.

Good eye contact, no fidgeting.

Should be proud, Mimi.

You got a pathological liar there.

No, I don't think there's anything
happening here we should be proud of.

You know, I never wanted to have
kids, but... after I see this, I think...

damn it, I do.

Well, you've got a good little man right
there.

He told me all about the fire and I'm
convinced it was an accident.

Let me go cut you a check.

Good job, Gus, huh?

With your lying skills, you could be
anything.

A grifter, a dirty cop, politician,
huh?

The world's your oyster.

Thank you, Uncle Lewis.

Doesn't he remind you of me at that age?

Yeah, yeah, he does.

Listen, Gus, from now on, I don't want you
to ever tell a lie again, okay?

Never, never, ever, ever, because lying is
wrong, understand?

Yeah.

And you know Uncle Lewis is a janitor,
right?

Yeah.

Here's your check.

Say, Gus, when you knocked over that
candle, did you melt all of your lollipops?

There was no candle, I was lying.

What?

I made the fire on purpose.

I like watching things burn.

Why'd you lie?

Uncle Drew told me to.

Oh, Drew.

I don't like to lie anymore, right?

Right.

Next stop we have will be about timing.

Well, this is now officially fraud,
and we have to contact the police.

Doris, would you call and tell...

Just because I'm back doesn't mean my
break is over.

Then why did you come back?

Because I love you.

I've always loved you.

My God, I hate that woman.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I want you to imagine for a
second that... She moves in with you.

No, I don't want to.

What happened to me?

She's my Doris.

My brother left her, the kid burned down
the house, and now she's living with me.

But you taught a kid to lie, to back up a
fake insurance claim.

Okay, try this on.

Doris just doesn't live with you.

She soaps her feet in your milk.

Okay, I see where you're heading.

You kill mine, I'll kill yours.

That's not really the kind of deal I'm
looking for.

Look, I can't give you the money,
but...

I won't report you either.

Hey, dumbass, I'm off my break now.

Thanks.

I don't know how I'm ever gonna pay you
back.

I do.

But you're gonna have to make it look like
an accident.

Oh, that was delicious, Mimi.

Let me help you with the dishes.

Oh, no, I got it.

You worked hard all day.

Oh, it's no big deal.

You know what?

I really admire the way you guys are
getting along.

Well, looks like I'm gonna be living here
for a while, so we talked about it,

and we figured we might as well find a way
to make it work.

Yeah, we're gonna make the best of it.

What else can you do?

Hey, Mimi made pie.

Anybody want some?

Oh, yeah, I'll grab a piece.

I'll get the ice cream.

See?

We're working together.

There you go.

We gotta get out of here.

This place is a powder cake.

I know I'm terrified, but I really want
pie.

What are you guys talking about?

They're getting along great.

Hey, here you go.

Thank you, Duke.

Could you grab me some milk to go with
this?

You bet.

I just bought this.

Mimi?

Uh, yes, Drew.

I'll get you faster.

Faster.

I thought we agreed that you would only
soak your feet in canned milk from now on.

Well, I needed more
because my feet are swollen

for making dinner for
you and your little friends.

It's happening.

Go, go, go.

No, it's happening right in my pie.

For God's sake, it's just pie.

Save yourself.

Go, go, go, go.

This is exaggerating.

If you recall, I made the main course.

Well, you spent an hour shuffling your
damn cards.

Solitude keeps my hands busy, so I don't
stab you in your sleep.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Leave the girl!

Leave the girl!

Hey, listen.

Hey, I rented this from the library.

You know, you have a lot of questions
about raccoons.

I thought this might answer them.

Let's learn together.

Oh, that's nice of you.

The raccoon.

Mother Nature's misunderstood prankster.

Constantly foraging for food,
the diet of this nocturnal mammal

consists largely of ducks,
berries, frosting, and scotch.

And they seem to have a peculiar disdain
for photographs of my mother.

And don't forget to lock
up your novelty mugs,

because the bandit of
the forest loves puns.

That was a waste of time.

I knew all that.