Original subtitles

Life could be a dream if I could take you to paradise up above.

Joan, I'm sorry this is wrong.

It was really nice.

No, you just got left to the altar.

Man, I really thought she loved me.

Is that the bouquet?

Yeah, I caught it.

She chucked it out the window when she was peeling out.

Looks like I'm next.

That car was a rental.

It's gonna cost me 15 cents a mile all the way down to New Orleans.

Drew, was it selfish of me to tell you that I have feelings for you?

No, no, no.

I had feelings for you too.

I just was expressing them by marrying another woman.

Man, Drew.

They're so, so sorry Lily took off like that.

Yeah, so sad we started drinking.

So sad.

We got so mad at Lily that we went around and

took all the lilies out of the centerpieces.

Then we stuffed them in the toilet and flushed.

Long story short, the lobby's flooding.

So, so, I think we've shown you that we're on your side.

Yeah.

Hey!

Yeah!

Could we go down to Mexico and stay in your honeymoon suite?

You paid for it already.

Is that what you came in here for?

I don't want you in my honeymoon bed.

We could really use the getaway.

You know, we're awfully tired from planning this whole wedding.

You didn't plan it?

I planned this whole thing myself.

I think the open bar was our suggestion.

Would you just get out?

Leave me alone right now, okay?

You'd have to leave me alone.

Well, let it go, buddy.

He's always got to win.

Drew, you don't have to decide right now if we're friends or more than friends,

you know?

Friends plus now without a sex.

Sorry, I'm just confused too.

That is false footage going out to kids.

Hey, did you... Did that cap show up?

I told those guys.

You missed your flight.

Well, I just had to stay for a couple of days.

Great!

Why?

I thought a little extra time with my son would be nice.

Aren't you worried that Dad's going to be catting

around with every hottie at the senior center?

I am not worried at all.

I took his blue pills with me.

How are you holding up now that that little tramp walked out on you yesterday?

You know, it was just like watching a public castration.

Wow.

I was searching for just the right word there, but you found it.

Listen, how long are you planning on staying?

Well, I don't think this is a good time for you to be alone right now.

I just wish there was somebody, somebody else that could keep you company.

Somebody that you trust.

Uh, Oswald and Lewis?

No.

Steve?

Kelly!

Stop playing games.

You know it's Kelly.

Look, Kelly and I may just be friends at this point.

You know, I don't know.

I need time to sort things out.

I once lost a wonderful man because I needed to sort things out.

You could have been half Hawaiian, you know.

Great.

The Don Ho story again.

Look, I can't rush things.

I rushed things with Lily.

It turned out to be a disaster.

Fine.

Sorry for loving you.

Hello.

Hula.

That's me, Drew.

Sorry your wedding went to crap.

Put your mother on.

Yeah, hey, Mom, it's Dad.

Not again.

He calls every ten minutes.

When is she coming back?

I can't find a can opener.

I'm gonna starve here.

He says he loves you.

He wants to take you dancing.

I told him there was a can opener in the top drawer by the stove.

I'm a veteran, damn it.

I just want you to muck and mire a Korean just a bit.

George, no, no, George.

Why would anybody break into the house to steal the butter?

He wants to talk to you, Drew.

Yeah, I'll call him back as soon as I get back from my honeymoon.

Charges to the room, Mr. Carey?

You bet.

Another lobster tail, Lily?

Oh, I knew marrying you was a good idea.

You take such good care of me.

Uh-oh.

What?

Follow my lead.

There you are.

I've been looking all over Mexico for you.

How dare you steal Drew's honeymoon and run up a huge tab?

Front desk asked me to tell you that the rose petals are clogged with jacuzzi tub.

Not to do that anymore.

A beer for our friend.

See you, Drew.

We're surprised to see you here.

I'll bet.

Had to come down here for a few days, get my mind off Lily.

Sure, this is getting kind of heavy, and we're on vacation.

Hey, there's Carmelita.

The girl I met last night.

Isn't it ironic the one girl who finally falls in

love with me doesn't understand a word I'm saying?

That's irony, right?

What a night.

We had dinner, walked along the beach, made love in a hammock.

Strange.

Last night I had dinner, went for a walk along the beach, hid behind a tree,

and watched a couple make love in a hammock.

Carmelita,

I want you to meet Drew and this is Louis.

These are my friends, my amigos.

Dos sientos, dos.

She could be the one.

Hey, Carmelita, you want to go horseback riding on the beach?

You know...

¿Qué puede pego?

¿Puede pego?

Excuse me, Mr. Carey.

Your fishing boat's ready for you.

We're going after Shark.

They put up the best fight.

The machine guns you asked for are on the boat.

Excellent.

Hey, uh, can I get the beer?

So, how's your vacation going?

Oh, it's not.

I'm, uh, actually down here trying to figure out what to do about a woman.

See, we were best friends and, uh...

And now you have feelings for each other and you don't know what to do.

Yeah, well, now that you've reduced my problem to a cliche, do you have any advice?

I see lovers come in here with new lovers.

But, friends, they always come back with the same friends.

If you want to keep this woman in your life, keep her as a friend.

Well, it's the best advice I've heard since this whole thing started.

Hey, uh, this is Mr. Carey, guys.

Is he gonna get in any trouble if he shoots somebody with that machine gun?

Mexican jail, man.

That's no joke.

No, it isn't.

I'm just gonna escape.

Hey, hey, Drew.

Hey.

Uh, how was Mexico?

Oh, great.

I got my, uh... I got my picture taken on a donkey that was painted like a zebra.

I can't visit the Mayan ruins.

That's the next best thing.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, um...

I did a lot of thinking while I was not in Mexico.

And I decided that I really, really care for you.

Yeah, I care about you.

Yeah, no, let me finish.

You're my best friend.

You're amazing.

You're my best friend.

You're amazing.

Right.

And I was thinking, you know, what if my girlfriend was

also my best friend and my best friend was my girlfriend?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I thought, man, that is a recipe for disaster.

What?

Well, if it didn't work out, I would lose you as a friend.

And that's too important to me.

I don't think I could handle that.

Yeah.

I, um...

I certainly see your point, Drew.

And I do... I do value our friendship, so... Right.

That probably makes the most sense.

Right.

So, what's it gonna be with you two?

Slapping ass or shaking hands?

Drew and I decided that we're just gonna go back to being friends.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Go back.

Well, you'd be the first people to make that work,

because you can't put the snake back in the can.

Snake never went into the can.

Or left the can.

There was no snake can interaction.

Yeah.

Look, we were friends before.

There's no reason we can't be friends again.

Really?

No reason?

Well, here's one off the top of my head.

He's off trying to figure out what to do while you're here buying fancy underwear.

Then he comes back, lays down the law, and you're supposed to be good with that?

You gotta be resentful as hell.

That's gonna fester.

My wings are up.

I gotta go.

I'm here an hour.

Now, where is she?

You tried looking upstairs?

I climbed hills in Korea.

I'm not walking upstairs.

Come on.

Yes, dear.

You come back to Florida and make me a sandwich.

George, I told you not to come.

I forgot my pin number.

I can't get any money.

I'm living on cheese samples from the supermarket.

Are you wearing my warm-up suit?

It's the only thing in the house.

It wasn't filthy.

Now, let's go.

I'm just not ready to go back yet.

You know, actually, everything's really okay.

You know, with me and Kelly now, if you want to both go.

Oh, that's wonderful, Drew.

So, when is your first date?

Tuesday.

Who goes out on a Tuesday?

You're lying.

What?

How dare you?

Yeah, I'm lying.

Look, we're just gonna be friends, all right?

Can you just both go?

I can't go home because you're obviously not in your right mind.

You heard the boy who wants to die alone.

It is right.

Thank you, Dad.

Hey, Drew.

Also, I thought you'd be down in Mexico making babies with Carmelita.

I thought you'd be watching.

Uh-huh, Drew.

It just wasn't gonna work out.

We're from different worlds, oceans apart.

So, I just left a note and snuck out.

Still don't understand why we had to leave so quickly.

One minute, I'm soaking in a bathtub full of rose petals, and suddenly it's,

we gotta go, we gotta go.

It ruined the whole vacation.

And all the way home.

Just doesn't understand.

Couldn't face her.

I was getting some weird vibes from her family.

Frankly, her sister's dressed like whores.

She's got this huge, threatening brother who's always taking all their money.

Hey, so, anything happening with you and Kelly?

Nothing.

Apparently, Drew just wants that beautiful woman who loves him to be his friend.

You know what I think?

I think love is a scam invented by the greeting card industry.

It's a crutch for the weak.

Like social security is for old people.

Hey!

Hey!

You know, if it wasn't for some of us, you'd all be speaking Korean.

German.

Or Apache.

Oh, God, I'm starving.

Well, now you have to fix Louis.

We can't fix something that God gave up on.

We can help Drew.

Well, if Drew finds half the happiness I had with

Carmelita, well, he'd be half as happy as I was.

Even Oswald, he understands this.

Now, you should listen to him, Drew.

Now, if he had the third of the happiness I had

with Carmelita, well, that would be less than half.

I know.

Three is bigger than two.

Doesn't make any sense to me, either.

Hey, Kelly, I'm turning up on you, lonely.

But it was a birthday present.

Oh, I know.

She didn't like it.

What's with the wannats?

Oh, I have to get a new job.

Drew just comes in here every day.

It's too hard to see him all the time.

Told you you couldn't be friends anymore.

I know, Mimi, you're right.

So, why don't you be more than friends?

Well, I would love that, but he just doesn't want that.

Yeah, well, who cares what he wants?

Every Sunday before church, my grandma used to braid my hair.

When she was done, she'd kiss me on the

forehead and she'd say, men are stupid animals.

They need to be led or they'll wander into an electric fence and fry.

Okay, well, I'm not going to throw myself at somebody who just likes me for a friend.

The pig's having a bad week.

He's thinking it's cloudy.

Yours is clear.

He's going to wander into an electric fence and fry.

Okay, you know what?

I'm just going to go for it.

I'm just going to do it.

Thank you, Mimi.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, why don't you let me just cook you dinner tomorrow night?

Okay.

Just so we're clear, this dinner does not count as a birthday present.

Everywhere.

Drew is not in the house.

I really think Drew was moved by how I had to

leave Carmelita in Mexico and went to go see Kelly.

And then I just realized I left a goodbye note for someone who doesn't speak English.

Sorry, Drew.

To leave Carmelita in Mexico.

I once had a similar experience.

In Hawaii.

Oh, good.

The Don Ho story again.

I just... I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did.

True love only comes once in a lifetime.

Don't you love George?

Well, of course.

I don't know if I started thinking about that.

Now the whole thing could unravel.

See, you and I?

Carmelita, it's Oswald.

I know you couldn't read my note because you

don't know English, so that's why I'm calling.

To tell you that my life is empty without you.

I feel the same way!

Darling, I've made up my mind.

I'm coming back to Mexico.

Tell your brother to pick me up at the airport.

There you are.

Oh, my God, it's Spider-Man.

Hey, careful, Dad.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

Shh!

Look at the condition of this roof.

Every time a plane flies over, you're laughing, stock.

You don't even know it.

Uh, hey, Butch, I think you knocked a couple

of your rhinestones off on the way out here.

Oh, yeah, you want to have a go?

All right.

Hey, my wife is downstairs.

Where is yours?

I'm on a roof.

I'm on a roof, see?

Yes.

That's my clue to everybody, that I want to be alone.

I'd be more than happy to leave you alone if you only tell your mother what she

needs to hear and not for her to come back to Florida.

Yeah, did you ever notice the only advice you

give me is something that makes your life easier?

Not true.

Told you to bunt once.

As I recalled, I worked out rather well.

What you screened out in front of everybody, and thanks,

was you swing like a girl, you might as well bunt.

Hey.

Hey, hey, Kelly.

You remember my dad?

Uh, yeah.

Hi, Mr. Carey.

Hey.

So, what are you guys doing on the roof?

I'm up here trying to get some peace and quiet.

He's up here to show the neighbors what the ladies in Florida are wearing.

Uh, listen, Drew, if I don't say this now, I will never say it.

And I know that you've been going through a really tough

time lately, but I don't think that we can be just friends.

I want more, Drew.

Drew, see you for a second.

It's really embarrassing.

I'll break back.

It's better not be about the roof.

All right, you were jilted last week, but you're not reacting to this girl.

You're reacting to the one that whacked off your

huevos and hung them on the rear view mirror.

Look, I know, but I got some really good advice from this bartender down in Mexico.

Women come and go, but friends are friends forever.

Let me ask you something about this bartender.

Young, good-looking fella.

Sure.

Well, you're not.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey.

Hey, Kel.

Um, I decided I'd want to enroll in that new, uh, Friends Plus program.

You know, the one with the added sex.

Well, you know, that offer expired.

But if you take me to a movie and dinner, maybe we can see what happens from there.

Sounds great.

Um, how about Friday?

Oh, I can't.

I have to work.

Are you... Is this the set-up just to get back at me?

No, I'm really working.

I'm working.

But I'll call in sick.

Oh, whew.

Good.

Uh, sorry.

Can't wait.

Me too.

All right.

Well, see you.

Yeah.

I'll see you.

Dad, switch season again.

Say the old time can still teach you.

No, really.

Carmelita.

I know.

But I shouldn't have left.

But I've come to make you an honest woman.

I know.

I know.

But I shouldn't have left.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Well, when we're married, this sort of stuff has got to stop.