Original subtitles

Couple of beers.

Keep coming.

Aww.

What's the matter, guys?

Bastard.

Drew gave away the mugs we made it for Christmas last year.

I know.

Saw him at the Salvation Army while we were

looking for a three of clubs for a deck of cards.

Made those mugs by hand, and he just gave them one.

Next time I see that jerk, I oughta punch him right in the face.

Get in line.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Good.

I mean, my wrist hurts a little bit.

I think we'll see you at the doctor tomorrow.

Probably the carpal tunnel.

Hey, you know what my doctor said.

Try holding the bra heads and the right hand every once in a while.

Are you guys drunk?

We're awake, aren't we?

I'm gonna hit the can.

All right.

Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Oh!

You sack of crap.

Get in line.

If you're still upset with Drew, why don't you just talk to him?

You could say something like, Drew, you hurt our feelings

because we put our heart and soul into those mugs.

You know, men don't talk, Kelly.

We do.

That's why we run the world.

And that seems to be working out because last

time I checked, the world was doing just fine.

You guys all used to work and watch the game with us.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, Drew?

Don't you mind just having a seat for a second?

What's going on?

Oh, okay.

Well, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but the guys saw their Christmas mugs at

the Salvation Army and they're really upset.

Oh, my God.

No, I must be crushed.

Oh, well.

I can do better now.

Drew, come on.

You could call them.

You could say something like, uh, guys, I did something that I shouldn't have done.

Let's try to figure out what I can do to make you feel better.

Let me check.

Nope, still got a penis.

I do not believe you guys.

You know, Drew, this isn't gonna go away until they get it out of their system.

Oh, my God.

Well, looks like it's out of their system.

Um, so, is it over now?

No, no, it's not over.

It's gonna take me forever to get this furniture back upstairs.

Drew, maybe, you know, this is a good thing.

You are getting older, and you have been complaining about those stairs.

Sorry.

Do you want me to help you move the furniture back up?

Let's give it a week.

Hey.

Drew Carey, I have two o'clock.

Dr. Newell, he's supposed to look at my wrist.

Oh, I'm sorry, didn't they tell you?

We haven't had a chance to tell all our patients.

Dr. Newell retired.

Oh, no way.

Wow.

You know, I've been coming here since I was 12 years old.

Yeah, he even taught me the facts of life on a skeleton in his office.

Skeleton's not still here, is it?

Yes, and Dr. Newell's daughter took over as practice.

Oh, well, you know, no offense.

I think I'm gonna do a little research first before I pick out a doctor and go on

the internet, talk to some of her patients.

Hello, I'm Dr. Newell.

Hi, I'm Drew.

My wrist hurts.

Hey.

Hey, did you ever go over to one of your doctors?

Oh, uh, no, no.

I did date someone who called themselves Dr. Love, but...

that turned out to be more of an honorary degree.

I've seen her going out with my doctor.

She's really sweet and her eyes twinkle when

I told her that I had no erectile dysfunction.

I don't know, Drew.

You want to date your doctor?

Isn't that kind of weird?

I have to get married in six weeks.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

You have a whole different scale of weird.

Yeah.

Go for it.

Yeah.

Imagine me, Drew Carey, married to a doctor.

Yeah.

Hey, Drew, my break's starting.

Mind if I just hang on?

No, no, don't sit there.

That's what I mean.

What?

Yeah, I painted the chair, so I was holding

the rules to sit in it, so I'll get back at it.

What are you?

Ten years old?

Why don't you just say, guys, you went too far?

I'm hurt and this can all end.

Yeah, but who wins?

Who loses?

Who points their fingers and laughs?

Sorry, Kelly, but your way has too many loose ends.

Okay, wait.

I don't want to be here when it happens.

Here, take a picture for me.

And here's a picture of me laughing.

Show it to him at the appropriate time.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, how do your doctor's plan to come?

Oh, I got to wear a thing on my wrist while I tie it for the next couple of

weeks, but it'll do until I get a full physical.

You have a full physical?

Oh, yeah.

I was putting it off until I got a doctor who was really hot.

Anyway, I left some chips on the table for you.

Oh, hey, thanks.

That's nice of you.

Hey.

I like chips.

Wait a minute!

He's mad at us.

He might have put something on those chips.

Whoa.

Thanks for watching my back, man.

What?

Look who just walked in.

Twins.

The good kind of freaks.

Hi there.

Hi.

I'm Lewis.

This is Oswald.

I'm Sandy, and this is Mandy.

Oh, did you guys just come from the gym?

No, we're yoga instructors.

Oh, what a coincidence.

We enjoy watching yoga classes through binoculars.

Yes, looks like they're laughing with us.

Do you care to join us for a beer?

What do you say, Sandy?

Sounds good to me, Mandy.

Well, right this way, ladies.

Here we go.

Such gentlemen.

So, where are you two from?

Oh, so you're the Minnesota twins.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

This is my favorite song.

Would you genetic abnormalities care to dance?

Hey, you have paint on your butt.

You jerks, you painted our chairs.

I've heard about guys like you perverts.

No, it's really, really funny, but we didn't do it.

Jeez, doesn't anyone want to have straight sex anymore?

Yes, yes, we do, we do, we do!

It's us!

It's us!

I'm just the messenger.

That bastard.

How could he do this to us?

All we did was move around his furniture.

He screwed up our chance to have sex with the Minnesota twins.

We got to get back at him.

It's got to be something big.

I'd like to take this camera and shove it up in... Wait, wait!

That's brilliant!

I don't know.

They sound good on paper, but when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it...

No, no, no, you just gave me an idea.

Drew's waiting for the results from his physical right?

Yeah.

Okay, say he gets a call from his doctor's new receptionist...

who says he needs a very thorough, very lengthy colonoscopy.

Wait a minute.

So he's scared to death until he finds out that it's a hoax.

No, no, I know a doctor who will do it.

Who do you think, huh?

It's time for thinking when we're dead.

Let's do it!

Is that thing helping your carpal tunnel?

Uh, a little bit.

I still feel like I got Neil sticking to my arm, though.

Oh, that's weird.

Because I've been sticking him in your crotch.

Oh, I get it.

Your hand was in the way.

Hello, Drew Carey.

Uh, Mr. Carey, this is Dr. Neil's office.

The doctor would like you to have one, finally, damn.

Oh, really?

What's that?

I'm going off the beach.

Aw, jeez.

Do I really have to?

Uh, yes, sir.

This is it.

Hey, gosh.

But the doctor would like you to have a colonoscopy... Right away.

Are you okay?

I... think I just started medicals.

Dr. Neil has referred you to a specialist named Dr. Kshak.

We have the information on your home answering machine.

Oh, well, I have a pen right here.

Why don't you just tell me it right now?

Uh, no, I cannot.

Have a nice day.

That sucks.

What's the matter, buddy?

Uh, it's kind of personal.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Hey, we're family here.

You can tell me anything.

I have to get a colonoscopy.

Oh.

Well, hey.

It's no big deal.

I've had three of them.

Really?

Your age?

You see, I'm what you call a hypochondriac.

That's why I get a full body scan every month.

Wow.

Isn't all that radiation bad for you?

Oh, my God.

Probably so.

Oh, well, if it gives me a tumor, I guess they'll catch it immediately.

So, you get colonoscopies, too, huh?

Yep.

My punch card's almost full.

Don't worry, buddy.

They're not as bad as you'd think.

It's kind of like... sitting on a long, cold metal finger.

Man, I don't know if I want to go through with this.

Well, it's up to you.

It's your body.

Yeah, it's just that I'm dating a doctor.

I just think I'm a big wimp if I don't go

through a simple medical procedure like this.

Yeah, you would look like kind of a wimp if you backed out now.

But don't worry.

If there's any problem, you can always call me.

In fact, let's be colon buddies.

Thanks, but when it comes to my colon, I walk alone.

You know, I just want to tell you, I think you

look way too young to be going through menopause.

Thank you.

Hey, Casey, how you doing?

Got these for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, listen, before I get going, I want to come clean with you about something.

What's that?

Well, I just want to let you know that, you know, at first I was kind of freaked

out about the idea of some guy, you know, putting things in my butt.

But now I'm really, really okay with it.

You are?

Yeah, I mean, you know, who cares if it hurts a little bit?

When you gotta have it, you gotta have it, right?

Why are you telling me this?

Well, I thought, you know, you'd be a little bit impressed that I was willing...

I mean, even looking forward to having somebody do this to me every once in a while.

I thought it would impress me.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, listen, I figured you'd have a lot more experience with this than I do.

Is there a lot of guys in the room when it happens?

Do they not count first?

First I have these two guys, you know, I want

to put it in, I want to take the pictures.

Hang on a minute.

I'll just get something.

Hello?

You got dumped by another woman tonight?

I'm shocked.

Well, the upside is, at least now I don't have to get a colonoscopy.

Man, I'm glad I'm not in the dating scene anymore.

That was my doctor.

I was going out with my doctor.

I'm doing it because she wanted me to get it done.

But we broke up, so now I'm off the hook.

Murder.

Maybe I'm off the hose.

I had it done twice.

Saved my life.

Really?

No, I'm lying because I like to make my ass sound interesting.

Wow.

Well, maybe I should consider getting it done when I get to be your age.

I would save my son-in-law's life too, and he's about your age.

Of course, all he did was eat pizza and drink beer.

He's not a health nut like you.

Well, maybe I should get a colonoscopy.

As your bus driver, I strongly advise it.

Oh, not more cameras.

Don't tell me you guys are still trying to get Drew back for the twins.

Yeah, and it's a biggie.

What are you gonna do now?

It's too late for her to do anything about it.

We convinced Drew he needs a colonoscopy.

And we hired a guy to do it.

You wanna come watch?

Are you insane?

Guys, did it ever occur to you that Drew might actually get seriously hurt?

Or maybe even die?

No.

What kind of friends are you?

Guess we just got caught up in all the fun.

We should call it off.

I'll call Dr. Kresek telling it's off.

Good.

Now you are acting smart.

Okay, here's the new plan.

There is no colonoscopy.

No?

No.

We get Dr. Kresek to pretend he's gonna do it to scare the hell out of Drew, okay?

Just as he's put the tube in, we jump out, we yell, Surprise!

Okay, and because there's no colonoscopy, we should bring a crown.

Maybe even sell tickets.

Nobody's gonna buy tickets to this.

Unless we advertise.

Everything okay, Doc?

Oh, yes.

I was just waiting for some people.

Well, you must have assistance or something, huh?

Yes, that sounds plausible.

Well, the drugs are taking effect.

Let's make a movie, Doc.

Okay, fine.

We start.

First, we spread the cheeks.

Dostradevne, Dostradevne, Dostradevne.

Funny, huh?

Now you like me more.

I am like Jacob Smirnoff, only with instruments capable of causing great pain.

Here is two.

Six feet long.

It is like having a tall, thin man stand up in your ass.

How do you like that?

I don't.

I can't believe my doctor recommended you.

Just relax.

Here.

Have more happy juice.

You don't need to worry, you know.

Once this bad boy goes three, four, five feet

up, you go into shock and won't feel a thing.

Look, I'm ready.

Can we just get this over with?

Can we just go now, please?

I am the one that says, when we go.

Who is doctor here?

I'm starting to wonder.

Where'd you get your degree, Russia?

Russian degree is not as worthy as one from Yale Medical School.

Well, no.

I mean, you guys are all right, but let's

face it, there's a reason we won the Cold War.

And what would that be?

You bet on the wrong pony, comrade.

Marxism?

You might as well base an economy on Jazzercise.

You relax and let doctor from pathetic former superpower begin procedure.

Thank you.

The itsy-bitsy spider put up the water spout.

Okay.

The doctor...

Okay, the doctor should be threatening to ruin the camera in about ten seconds,

okay?

Tim, you're not gonna need a flash.

His butt is very, very white.

This old man, he played P. I've got tube inside of room.

Surprise!

Oh,

it's a practical joke, I get it.

I thought you said he wasn't really gonna get a colonoscopy.

He insisted.

Huh.

Didn't see that coming.

Jeez, I've done a lot to Drew through the

years, but you boys really crossed the line.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

I was thinking maybe Kelly was right.

Maybe talking things out would have been better than this.

Yeah, maybe.

Listen, I'm really sorry about what I did to your mugs.

I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.

Well, that's okay, buddy.

Sorry we hired a Russian veterinarian to run a whizzer.

So, uh, we're good now?

Yeah, we're good.

You shouldn't be too hard on your friends.

A man your age should have this procedure done every few years.

By veterinarian?

I'm also a dentist, I design web pages, and I have a sea monkey farm.

Oh, wow.

Why don't you join us?

This is where we're hanging out until Drew moves his furniture back.

No.

God, if you don't trust us now, then what?

Okay.

Fine.

See?

It's not so creepy, huh?

Actually, it's kind of nice.

Hey, guys, would you mind if I take off my top?

Thanks for making it creepy.