Original subtitles

Hey, babe, you still looking for a wife?

Yes.

Well, I can help.

If you give me 20 bucks, I'll give you the

names and numbers of thousands of single women.

Really?

Yeah.

It's the phone book, isn't it?

How about this?

If you give me 20 bucks, I'll tell you where you can find a bunch of desperate

women who live in the same house and who like to shower together.

Prison.

Jeez, you're in the zone.

I need 20 bucks for it anyway.

I ran out of birth control pills.

Tell you what, just 25.

Do the good stuff.

Oh, crap.

Look what just popped up on all the screens.

The heck is this?

Get a load of this.

Memo from the bosses.

We want to be known as the company that cares, therefore we are strongly

encouraging all our employees to do volunteer work in their spare time.

Strongly encourage?

That's code for you're fired if you don't do it.

You should be grateful for volunteers, Mimi.

They're the ones that keep poachers from making ashtrays out of your hand.

What are you looking at?

A list of stuff the bosses want us to volunteer for.

Oh, good lord.

I won't even drive my parents to the airport.

Why the hell would I serve soup to bums?

This one's cool.

They need dogs to help cheer people up at the hospital.

I could take Speedy.

Well, what the heck.

I guess I could talk to kids about premarital sex.

You know, poor things.

They have no technique at that age.

I'm Drew Carey.

My dog, Speedy, and I are the volunteers to do the animal therapy.

Oh, yes, Mr. Carey.

We really appreciate this.

Oh, who's a handsome boy, huh?

Speak.

Speak.

When people ask him that, he's supposed to say Drew Carey.

He'll need your dog to talk you up.

You must be an awfully nice guy to give up your free time to volunteer.

Well, I'm mostly doing it for Speedy.

I mean, he's going a little stir crazy.

The other day, he went berserk and attacked a delivery guy.

So, uh, where do you keep all the sick kids?

Speedy.

Speedy.

I'm so sorry.

I was a hell of a jumper, a dog with bad hips.

No!

Leave!

Leave!

I'm so sorry.

He just got away from me.

You seem to be okay here, Natalie.

Uh, ew.

I'll get you another lunch.

That's a switch, huh?

Dog eating senior citizen food?

Hey, who are your friends?

Hi, I'm Drew.

I'm volunteering here in my doggone in your grandma's room.

We were just leaving.

Oh, no.

What?

Grandma, you don't want to take the dog away?

No, I like him.

He's so sweet, but he looks thirsty.

Uh, I'll tell you what.

I'll go get some water.

And, uh, not that you would, but don't twist

your hair into little points and make cat noises.

He goes nuts.

Listen, I just, uh, just want to thank you.

I haven't seen my grandmothers happy in years.

Oh, well, you know, it's kind of why I volunteered to do this animal therapy thing.

It gets people happier, so they go out of here with a smile on their face.

You know, not in a box.

I mean, in a cab.

It's all right.

So, um, how's, uh, how's your grandma doing?

Well, they think she's only got about a month left.

We haven't told her, but I think she knows.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, I don't even know your name.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Aaron.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

So, do you do volunteer stuff like this a lot?

Well, uh, yeah, I have a lot of dirty deeds I make up for.

I gotta admit, they were done dirt cheap.

Okay, so, I'm old.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I like ACDC.

I like older guys.

I like older guys with golden iron travers.

Oh, well, nothing there.

See you later.

You know, I've been spending a lot of time up here.

I'd love to grab a cup of coffee.

You interested?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you know, if you call me Dr. Carey, you'll get 50% off.

In fact, for now on, just call me Dr. Carey.

Oh, here you go, Speedy.

Come on, drink up.

Got a lot of sick people to see today.

Oh, does he have to go?

Yeah, we're only supposed to be here for an hour today.

Thank you, Speedy, for making me so happy.

I don't have a lot of regrets, but I always regret it.

I'd never had a dog.

Well, back to dying.

You know what, Natalie?

I don't want you to have Speedy.

Really?

Yeah, I insist.

Just keep him, please.

No, it's the least I could do.

It's just for a little while.

I mean, for a little old lady, I've taken a surprise.

Oh, this is so nice, Drew.

Hey, listen, don't worry about anything.

I'll help you take care of him.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Speedy.

It's been a good dog.

I'll... I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, meet me.

Is Drew here?

Yeah, he ran off to the hospital.

Uh, I probably went to see his new girlfriend.

No, I think they're finally gonna try and separate his head from his ass.

You know, to see if they can survive independently.

Hey, look, that's her.

That's the girl I was telling you about.

She's cute, isn't she?

Yeah.

She seems so confident, so full of self -esteem.

You want me to date her first and take care of that for you?

You're talking about asking a trailer out?

Yeah, you think she'd be interested?

Oh, well, let's see what you two have in common.

Hmm.

She went to an Ivy League school.

You ate Ivy on a dare.

She started an internet company at 25, and after almost dying the first time,

you ate Ivy again on a dare.

Well, I had to.

It was a double dog dare.

Hi, uh, trailer?

Hi.

We've, uh, never met.

I work, uh, down in the loading dock.

My name is Oswald.

Wait.

Turn around and wait.

All right.

You... are perfect.

I am?

Oh, yeah.

I like the way you move.

Yeah.

How would you like to be a model for a live animation project?

It's for a character I'm doing for our website.

Oh, you know, a fancy man once asked me to pose

for him in his studio in a public restroom.

I turned him down.

I regretted it ever since.

That's cute.

You're funny.

So tomorrow, three o'clock?

Well, I hope I'm not late because I'm choosing between my four pairs of pants.

Well?

Well, we don't have a date yet, but she asked me to help her out with

something tomorrow, so that's what I'm gonna ask her out.

Hey, that's great.

Yeah, well, I hope I didn't screw myself.

I panicked and told her I had four pairs of pants.

What am I gonna do when she wants to come to my place and see all those pants?

Hi.

Excuse me.

I got a message to come over here right away.

Is Erin Sullivan here?

She's in her grandmother's room.

Are you family?

Well, I'm not exactly family.

I'm her boyfriend.

I mean, you know, I think I'm her boyfriend.

We've been out three times.

We're exclusive.

At least, you know, I'm exclusive.

I don't know who she is.

What would you think that makes me?

Well, I think you are chatty.

Sorry.

Uh, so, is her grandmother gone?

No, not yet, but, uh, you better hurry.

She's not gonna be with us for much longer.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

What happened to you?

You look great.

I knew you'd want to see this for yourself.

The most amazing thing happened.

The doctor said she's okay to go home.

Hey, wow.

Hey, I'm really... I'm so happy for you.

And it's all thanks to this precious little boy.

Yeah.

How about that?

My Speedy saved a life.

My Speedy's a real miracle worker.

Yeah.

Yep, it's all thanks to my Speedy.

How long do you want to play this?

You gave the dog to me.

Hey, this is really the nicest thing anyone's ever done for my grandmother.

Thank you so much.

I'll see you tonight.

Isn't that great?

That sweet woman's dog saved her life.

Shut up.

You were just going to let her keep your dog?

No, I'm not.

I got a plan.

See, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give her all

the Speedy stuff, then I'm gonna break down crying.

Not just a few tears, but like, chest heaving,

sobbing, snot bubbles, the whole night.

Why don't you just be a man and take your dog back?

I can't.

Don't you get mad and break up with me.

I can't cry hard enough to keep a woman from breaking up with me.

I know I've tried.

Let me ask you this.

Have you had sex with her yet?

Well, you know, not per se.

You gave your dog to this woman and you're not even having sex?

Are you out of your mind?

Look, it's not more complicated than that.

I really like this errand.

It just could lead to something.

And I love Speedy, too.

I mean, look.

Look.

I got this form at Oktoberfest.

We had sausages together.

We chicken-danced.

It was his last big blow-up before his testicles came on.

Well, Drew, you know what I think?

What?

I think your testicles have come off.

That's right.

You gotta go.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm off to the movies.

Good luck, Mary.

Hi.

Hey.

Boy, you look so great.

I was just about to tell you that.

Yeah.

Hey, listen.

Why don't I get us a couple of beers and we'll head out and have some dinner?

Great.

That sounds wonderful.

Yeah.

I know this really good French restaurant.

They do really good, you know, fish and beef.

They have these great desserts they set on fire.

Oh.

And I guess the whole point of this is I want my dog back.

What?

You mean my grandma's dog?

You gave him to her.

Yeah, but I'll get her another dog any kind she wants.

She doesn't want another dog.

How about one of those secret arms?

We'll get her with the little thing and she can use the wine to wash her pills down.

Which, by the way, is probably what's keeping her alive, not my stupid dog.

Look, Speedy makes her happy, okay?

There's no way in hell I'm taking him away from her.

All right.

I didn't want to play this card, but if you don't give me my dog back,

I just won't sleep with you.

Goodbye, Jerome.

What part of I won't sleep with you don't you understand?

I'm ready.

These are just like my pajamas, but...

I might have knobs on the feet so I don't slip.

You look kind of cute in that.

Well, you look cute in everything.

It's true.

I could wear a sack and look great.

Now, I am going to put these sensors all over your body.

And they'll track your movements.

So, this goes right into the computer, huh?

Uh, not just our computers.

It's going live to our animators in California.

Oh.

Yeah.

You know what?

I think those sensors are fine.

I just have to make sure they're all secure.

Uh-huh.

Now, one final check before we get started.

Okay.

Yeah, this one's a little loose.

Uh-oh.

Now, see what this looks like and don't move.

Uh,

something's still moving.

Oh.

Sorry.

Hello?

Oh, good.

You're getting the image.

No, that's on our end.

Well, let me ask.

How long do you think this will last?

Well, I don't want to brag, but it could be an hour.

Maybe you should go to lunch.

Uh, look, the trailer, this is really embarrassing.

I'm sure you'd think it's disgusting.

I'm sorry.

I'll just leave.

Oh.

You know, Oswald, it's natural for this sort of thing to happen.

You'll be working so closely with the opposite sex.

I understand.

Well, gee, Trillia, thanks for being so cool.

I wonder why everyone says you're such a bitch.

So you want to go out sometime?

Oh.

Okay, here's the thing.

I only go out with guys who make more money than I do.

Oh, how much is that?

$125,000 a year.

Oh, look at that.

Ready to work.

Oh, hello, Drew.

Are you and your friends here to see Speedy?

Uh, yeah, kind of.

Come on in.

Speedy, you have visitors.

Oh, my God, that guy looks like a French whore.

And, uh, his legs aren't hairy enough.

Is he eating steak?

Oh, filet mignon.

Hey, can I get his leftovers in a people bag?

Look, uh, Mrs. Sullivan, the reason we're here is...

I really miss Speedy, and I was wondering if we could work on a compromise.

You know, we can split him up.

You can take him three days a week.

I can take him three days a week.

We'll alternate Sundays.

Then all the days are covered.

All the holidays.

Except, you know, Father just ate, because... Deb, come on.

No, you gave him to me.

There's his homemade dog biscuits.

Okay, Drew, now's your chance.

Get Speedy.

Let's get out of here.

Well... why not, hon?

It's my dog, right?

Come on, Speedy.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Get off that big, comfortable bed and let's go.

Come on, buddy.

Speedy, it's me.

It's your dad.

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of...

Drew.

You and your dog have a song?

It's not our song.

It's just a song that's special to us.

Come on, Speedy.

We don't tend to mess around.

Let's go.

Come on, buddy.

Drew.

Let's go home.

Come on, don't take it.

Don't take it personal.

Drew's got a sweet deal here.

I mean, he's got all the steak he can eat.

A fancy place to sleep.

A rich woman who gives him everything his heart desires.

Are you coming?

You guys go ahead.

I've got something to do here.

Hello, Natalie.

Can I help you with those biscuits?

Hey, look.

Don't you guys do this for me?

You've been so sad since Speedy left.

We thought this might cheer you up.

Yeah, thanks for making my house look like a trap for 12-year-old girls.

But, Drew, let's say we go to the pound and we help you pick out another dog, huh?

No, I don't want another pet.

They just dump you when a better owner comes along.

Didn't dump you, Drew.

They're just dumb animals who go where the food is.

Drew's out of chips.

Let's go.

Hey.

What's going on?

Well, I just wanted to bring Speedy back.

Grandma took a turn for the worse and passed away the other night.

Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.

Well, having Speedy around made her last week's a lot happier.

Thanks, Drew.

You're welcome.

Actually, I was, uh, just getting used to not having him here.

Uh-huh.

I'm, uh, practicing, uh, public speaking.

Give it a speech to the city council about getting more streetlights.

Duck there is the mayor.

Well, I better get going.

Listen, thanks again for everything.

You're... you're a really nice guy.

Thanks.

I really like you, too.

Maybe we can, uh, go out again sometime.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Hey, why don't you come to the funeral?

I'm not really sure that's a right occasion for a date, but we can make anything fun.

I was, uh, talking about paying your respects.

As was I.

Give me a call.

Okay.

See ya.

Bye.

Well, well, well.

Look who can.

..

Maybe I don't want you around, huh?

Maybe I don't need you anymore.

What?

No, I'm not falling for that.

I don't care what you say.

No.

No, we ain't...

As soon as the dogs are asleep, we can quit watching CNN and watch cartoons.

Okay, Lois?

Okay, Lois?

Ryan!

Ryan, speak!

Ryan, come here.

Come here.

Ryan, come here.

Ryan, beer.

Beer!

You like the beer?

Yeah, that's your beer.

Yeah.

Eight years of this crap.