Original subtitles

So, trailer, Ian on Super Bowl Fool?

Do you know what I'll be doing on Super Bowl Sunday, Mimi?

I'm going to read Madame Beauverie in the original French.

I never met anyone who would better be served by an hour of rough biker sex.

Yeah, I guess all that reading and education was just a waste of time.

I mean, would it get me?

Oh, that's right.

Five times your salary.

Can I pick up my pen?

I'm not picking that up.

You were chewing on it, and before that, I dunked it in the toilet.

Mimi?

Pig?

Hey, did you ever have one of those mornings where no

matter how much coffee you drink, you just can't wake up?

I did it.

I might have to look at you again this afternoon,

because I get a little draggy around three.

Hey, everybody, we got some great news.

We decided to spend this year's entire advertising

budget on one 60-second commercial during the Super Bowl.

You guys make kissing your ass a real uphill battle, you know that?

Well, I think it's a great idea.

You know, a billion people watch the Super Bowl.

They all love the commercials.

Exactly.

A veggie burger company tried it a few years

ago when their sales went through the roof.

Yeah, you know, I bought a box of those myself.

Yeah, I was gonna use them for dog treats, but the dog wouldn't go now.

Anyway, we hired an ad agency to come up with

a great idea, and they tell us they have.

And since you're all part of a team, we want you to see it too.

So, we turn the stage over to Derek and Evelyn from the Mind Changer Agency.

Everybody,

when we talked about what we wanted to say about NeverEnding

Store, we came up with the idea of infinite possibilities.

Evelyn?

Our commercial begins with a beautiful woman on a white stallion that

rides through a field.

And then suddenly, the horse takes light, and

we're in space, a never-ending field of stars.

They approach an old man on a golden throne.

The woman gets off the horse and says...

Who?

What?

Where?

Why?

And the old man says...

If we push in on his open mouth and emerging

from the darkness, we see NeverEndingStore.com.

Remember Where's the Beef?

That was a good one.

Why don't you guys like it?

Well, for one thing, a regular guy watching

the Super Bowl is going to be drinking a beer.

He's not going to be tripping on mushrooms.

Okay, every man, what would you like to see?

A bikini model with NeverEndingStore.com written across her chest?

Yeah, well, you know there's a reason that Sports

Illustrated doesn't have an old man screaming issue.

Excuse me, who's the head of the third largest advertising agency in Cleveland?

My dad.

Well, look, everybody does these big, complicated commercials.

If you want to stand out, you've got to do something different, you know?

Make it simple.

Like what, Drew?

Well, I don't know.

Have a guy come out and say, hey, how you doing?

If you're like me, you don't have time to go to the mall.

But I found a place on the internet called

NeverEndingStore.com, and it has great stuff at great prices.

They get it to you fast.

You should try it.

It makes shopping easy.

You're fired.

You too.

And the horse you rode in on.

Hey, Drew, what you just said was perfect.

I mean, it was simple, and it was real.

And spontaneous.

What if we did the only live commercial on the Super Bowl?

Right here in the office.

You know, no special effects.

Just a simple man and a simple message.

Yeah, a regular guy.

A real guy.

Drew Carey!

Well, no way.

No me in front of a billion people.

Forget it.

We'll pay you?

No, sorry.

Not enough money in the world.

Five thousand dollars.

Hey, what do you know?

There isn't enough money in the world.

Hi, welcome to Love, All Modern Style, the show where Cleveland singles meets.

Our first lonely lady is Joanne.

Tell us about yourself, Joanne.

I'm a flight attendant.

A flight attendant?

Wow.

I bet you've been all over the world.

No!

I need the Cleveland Cincinnati shuttle.

Back and forth and back and forth, over and over and over.

Unbelievable.

Well, if you would like to meet this first -class

lady, call the number flashing on the screen.

Hey, Larry, I can't get it to flash, man.

Call 5-5-5-0-1-9-8.

Hey, isn't that the guy who tried to fix Drew up?

Yeah, Larry has his own cable access show.

We've seen every one of them.

Oh, are you trying to make a love match?

No, he comes on after the Korean motivational speaker.

Did I miss that Korean real estate guy?

Dammit.

He's not a real estate guy.

He's a motivational speaker.

No, you gotta watch it all the way through.

He's selling knives.

So, Drew, or should I say the five thousand dollar man?

Oh, you heard.

Hey, everybody at the store has heard.

Wow, five thousand bucks, man.

Hey, so are you still gonna work and stuff?

You know, just to keep your mind busy.

Actually, I wish I didn't have to do the stupid

commercial at all, but my bosses won't let me out of it.

What's the matter, Drew?

You a little nervous?

Of course he's nervous.

The whole world's gonna be watching.

And the future of the company's relying on him.

Yeah, plus I don't do so good on TV.

Okay, kids, we're just about ready to go live.

Now, remember, always look at the camera with the red light on top of it.

And don't forget, all your friends and family are

gonna be watching, so you don't want to let them down.

And I don't want to see any of you wise asses doing any of this...

or any of this, dig?

And we are caught for three, two...

Hello, Cleveland, and welcome to Junior Academic Challenge.

We've got two well-matched teams vying for some

valuable prizes, so let's get right to it, shall we?

Our first contestant is Drew Carey from Benjamin Franklin Elementary.

Tell us, Drew, what's your favorite subject in school?

No matter how many times I see that, it's always funny.

What'd I tell you about that?

Wait a minute.

You're actually thinking of giving up $5 ,000 just because you're a scared?

You know what?

You have a lot more to lose than just the money, okay?

This could really help you with your female trouble.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about meeting women, huh?

You'd be famous.

And what's the one thing that women like more than money, huh?

Fame?

Fame?

Yeah, yeah, fame.

Well, I hate to admit it, but he's right.

I once took my top off at an Elton John concert to try to get his attention.

How'd that work out between you and the man in the Marie Antoinette costume?

Shut up.

Well, you know, a lot of women would see it.

Exactly.

And just because you painted when you were

eight doesn't mean that you're gonna do it now.

I mean, haven't you talked in front of a large

group of people since then and done okay?

Yeah, but it wasn't in front of a bunch of TV cameras and stuff.

Hey, you know what?

If you want advice on how to be cool in front of

a cam, you should talk to your friend on TV there.

Yeah, you know, Larry does that show live every week.

Something's always going wrong and nothing ever bothers him.

What, Larry?

I don't know.

Track lighting.

That's fascinating.

Coming up next week, Melissa, a former gymnast whose family owns a brewery.

You know where it hurts to swing by.

Okay.

The first rule of being cool on camera is to remember that even if you do something

stupid, only five, ten thousand people are gonna see it.

Well, a quarter of the world's gonna see it if I do something

stupid, because my commercial's under the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl, huh?

Maybe you'd be more comfortable doing it here.

I wouldn't charge you a penny to use my set.

No, I couldn't take advantage of you like that.

Now, come on, man.

I need some advice.

Okay.

Here's a tip.

Look past the camera at the guy standing behind it and talk to him.

That way you're just talking to one guy.

Like, you're not nervous talking to me now, are you?

No.

See?

Now, here's my secret weapon.

It always helps me relax.

I do that all night.

It gets all your stress out.

I do it right before I go on the air.

Try it.

Wow.

That's amazing.

I do feel a little more relaxed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of actors do it.

Oh, thanks, man.

From now on, if anybody asks me, I'm so relaxed.

I'll tell them it's because Larry Armada made me scream into a pillow.

Thirty seconds to air, Larry.

Hey, since you're here, you wanna be my first guest?

Talk about yourself?

Maybe get a date?

Nothing I'd rather do.

How do I look?

Like Drew Carey Grant.

Ten seconds, Larry.

Ahh!

In five, four, three, two...

Hi, I'm Larry Armada, and welcome to Love Armada Style.

Our first guest is a man who's dying to get married, Drew Carey.

Drew, tell the people about yourself.

Ah, crap.

Our next guest is a lovely single, Melissa Anderson.

Ah, you are, yeah.

Just step over.

So, the Super Bowl's a week away, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think you're ready.

Drew, are you all right?

We saw the show at the Warsaw.

Yeah, great.

Is everybody laughing when I fainted?

No, no.

Everybody was really worried about you.

Although when you got up and crawled away in your

belly, one or two people might have laughed among that.

Great.

What the hell happened?

You're so relaxed and confident.

Yeah, and then they turned the camera on me.

I got all nervous, lightheaded.

I gotta tell my bosses I can't do the stupid commercial.

What about the money?

What about the exposure, huh?

Becoming famous.

What about the women?

Oh, yeah.

Women love a man who gets the vapors.

Well, Drew, all I know is we should get you home.

You still look a little pale.

Well, it's because I haven't eaten or slept in days.

You didn't eat all day?

No.

Wait a minute.

When you did that kitty show, did you have anything to eat that day?

Um, no, no.

I was so nervous about doing the show, I didn't eat anything.

All I was doing was drinking black coffee and eating dry toast.

Wait, you were drinking black coffee when you were eight?

Yeah, well, my mom didn't think the cream of sugar was good for me.

Well, that's what your van grew.

You don't eat, of course you're gonna pass out.

Well, I never thought of that.

That makes sense.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

I hope this works out for you, Carrie.

I know you've had a tough time with your job and the ladies.

You deserve a little good luck.

But sweet, Larry.

Yeah, I'm bursting with sweet babe, interested?

Absolutely.

Let's go have sex in a cheap motel room right now.

You guys know her better than me.

Do I follow her?

Sure.

So, Drew, only a couple minutes to halftime.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good.

You guys drunk?

Well, he is, but I'm not.

I don't numb myself with alcohol.

He's on anti-anxiety pills.

They're from a doctor.

Drew, have you tried this room?

They're delicious.

I know.

I've been eating them all day.

They're great.

Well, hey, have another one.

I don't know.

I'm getting kind of full.

What, are you trying to fit in your prom dress?

Eat one.

Here you go, man.

Have a crab cake.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Better safe than sorry.

That's right.

Hey, now have one of these deviled eggs wrapped in bacon.

Oh, man.

I love these.

They had waffles and it would be a perfect breakfast.

Save room for the fried cheese balls.

They go down easy because of the grease.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going to stay home and read Madam Bover.

Evan and Scott made me come, you know, to support the company.

It's ridiculous watching rich Neanderthals run around playing a stupid child's game.

No benefit to society, no regard for people's feelings.

Dating impressionable high school girls and then just going off to play for the

Philadelphia Eagles and never calling me again after I gave you my essence.

So, fan of the pigskin, huh?

Drew, how about other stuff for mushroom cap?

Why not?

Okay, this is it.

Let's get them in the position.

Okay, everybody.

30 seconds to air.

Here we go.

Good luck, man.

How you feeling?

I'm full.

I feel pretty good.

Okay.

Hey, one last pepperoni nugget?

Nah, I better nod.

Oh, hey.

For luck.

And we're going in five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

How

much are you spending on this?

3.2 million dollars.

Well, these things happen.

Jeez, you better stop sooner.

We're going to have to gather two of every animal.

Well, it's two seconds to go and he's still on his feet.

At least he can say he went the distance without fainting.

It wasn't all that, Drew.

Oh, this I got to hear.

You missed the halftime show.

Drew, cheer up.

Hey, how many people wake up knowing that today is going to be better than yesterday?

Not many.

But you too, Mr. Lucky.

Gosh.

I envy you.

You know, this has got to be some kind of record.

I ruined my life in 60 seconds.

The store's going to go out of business.

No woman wants anything to do with me now.

Come on, don't feel bad.

Hey, you know what?

You did a great service for America's teenage girls, huh?

Word on the street is bulimia is no longer cool.

Oh, hey, Drew.

Mimi told us we could find you here.

Uh, yeah, this is where I throw up non -professional.

We just came by to give you your check.

I still get the five grand?

Oh, yeah, we put a video of you vomiting on the website.

We got 100,000 hits just today.

Almost shut down our server.

Yeah, people are already saying that puking Drew's

going to be more popular than a dancing baby.

Yeah, we got our name out there big time, and that's exactly what we wanted.

Thanks, Drew.

Yeah, hey, listen, not for nothing, but, uh, this check's only for $4,700.

Yeah, we had to give the janitor an extra $300.

The important thing is the commercial was a big hit.

Drinks are on us.

Hey.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Um, aren't you the guy who threw up during the Super Bowl?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I knew this was coming.

Yes, I'm the guy who threw up during the Super Bowl, okay?

I'm sorry.

Get me off the cross.

I, um, I, um, I really didn't mean to upset you.

I just, um, I don't know.

I never met anybody famous before, so I was wondering if you, uh,

wanted to dance or something.

Yeah, yeah, you want to hang out with me because I'm famous.

You don't care what I'm famous for.

You don't care if I did anything good, if I did anything bad.

You're on TV.

You know, I like the way you think.

You know what?

You're so down-to-earth, too.

I know you would be.

Well, you know, I try to keep it real.

I never saw anyone who better deserved it.

I'm just gonna laugh right off the bat.

How'd that work out between you and the man with the Marie Antoinette con...

Oh, come on, Bill.

Concertina?

Before that, I dunked it in the toilet.

Come on.

Hey, Drew, are you all right?

We saw this show at the workshop.

Yeah, great.