Original subtitles

Uh, you know, Tina, that's smart.

There's a lot of guys who just try to get a woman

to his place and then apply her with alcohol.

Hey, listen, I'm wasting time on me to get a beer.

You wanna put some music on?

Which CD?

Uh, Power Balance of the 80s, volume three.

If it's all the same with you, I'd rather just make out.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry to interrupt your intercourse, but I think Drew's medically obese houseguest.

Ah, nice to meet you.

Nikki, I thought you were gonna walk around

the mall for a few hours and get a big cookie.

I did the second part.

You know, you're a lucky woman to be going out with, Drew.

I know.

I used to be married to him.

Hey, wanna see our wedding picture?

She doesn't wanna see it.

Sure she does.

My cheesecake.

Married?

Yep.

To two women at the same time.

Me and Kate, the real love of his life.

So, what happened to the love of your life?

Well, you know, love of your life, that's...

That's an overused phrase, you know, just because you're pying for somebody for

30 years doesn't necessarily make her the love of your life.

Hey, um, listen, why don't I just get us a couple more beers?

Uh, sorry, your name just flew right out of my head.

Uh, Tina.

Hey, Tina.

Have a nice life, Tina.

Hey, man.

You just can't keep scaring away my dates like that.

And look at you.

You're supposed to be here turning your life

around and you haven't done a damn thing.

No, I'm a lot better, Drew.

I'm not even trying to kill you anymore.

I know.

And believe me, that's the first thing I look for in a friend.

But it's time for you to move on.

I have nowhere else to go.

You're the only person who's ever cared about me.

Oh, that's not true.

Come here.

Um, you have, like, cheesecake in your hair.

Sometimes when I'm eating, I get sad and put my head down.

You can stay here as long as you want.

You know that.

Hey, it's a nice night out tonight.

You wanna go sit on the front porch with me?

No.

You know what?

I'm gonna start turning my life around.

I'm gonna go upstairs, finish this cheesecake, and do some jumping jacks.

Well, time to see if this baby's up to code.

Skateboarding, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, we do it at night so the kids don't make fun of us.

Oh, I got a call from Kate in New York.

She made a guy at the Rock and Roll Ocean, so she's gonna stay in it in a couple days.

Oh, great.

A New York guy.

Then he's like one of those Sex and the City

guys who sits around all day talking about sex.

Those aren't guys.

They're women.

What, really?

Even the big blonde one?

Hey, how's the job on going?

I went to the blood bank today.

Does that answer your question?

I don't know how you do it, Drew.

You got car payments.

You got house payments.

Not to mention hungry, hungry hippo in there.

I don't have a car anymore.

I sold it.

You sold your car?

Man, your life sucks.

You got to get him out of here.

Show him a good time.

Yeah, I guess.

What are you guys thinking about, miniature golf or something?

Wow.

You know, I think it is a crime that America's teachers make $35,000 a year.

And somebody like this only makes $75,000.

Gentlemen, give it up for the tasty Miss Candy Mints.

Huh?

Forget about it, Drew.

Just sit back, relax.

Let's have a nice night with a bunch of beautiful nameless women.

Drew?

Drew Carey wrote hi.

Uh, Kelly Newmark?

Wow.

Hey.

Oh, hey, everybody.

It's little Kelly Newmark.

So, uh, how's everything?

I'm guessing your parents are dead.

I didn't think that anyone that I knew would actually be here, you know.

It's my first time.

I'm only doing this because, well, things have been kind of rough for me lately.

Yeah, well, me too.

Yeah, I got laid off for months.

The department store I worked for is being

turned to some online internet thing-a -lingic.

Well, at least I had a career.

I never worked.

I got married right away out of high school.

I was just a housewife.

And then ever since the divorce, I...

been having a hard time finding a job.

I lost my house.

And then, my God, I have no money and no house to go.

Gentlemen, let's give a special amateur night welcome to the lovely Bliss.

That's me.

I can't let you go up on stage like this.

Uh, mess up your hair, little spirit of makeup, I love you.

No, no, stop.

Stop.

You don't have to do this, all right?

I know we haven't seen each other in a long time.

But I have a spare room in my house, and you're welcome

to crash there for a while to get back on your feet.

Really?

You do that for me?

Absolutely.

I mean, we go way back.

If you saw me, start distributing, stop me, right?

In a heartbeat.

Hey, hey, Nikki.

In here.

Wow.

Look at you, you look great.

Thanks.

You know, I was exercising and I saw myself in the mirror, and I caught a

glimpse of the Nikki I used to be, and I realized doing

three jumping jacks a week is not gonna help, so...

I'm getting rid of all my junk food.

Hey, good for you, huh?

Come here.

True.

You're always there for me.

Well, I care so much about you.

By the way, a stripper's gonna be living with us.

What?

Wow, Nikki, you look beautiful.

Like a float in a pretty parade.

Yeah.

Kelly?

Kelly, this is Nikki.

Hi.

Nikki, Kelly.

Yeah.

Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

What a cute little thing you are.

I hope this is okay with you.

I won't be staying long.

No, no.

Stay as long as you like.

We'll be friends.

We'll do everything together.

I'll protect you from predators and you can eat the parasites off my back.

Drew, I'm not sure about this.

Oh, don't worry about her.

I mean, she sleeps 18, 19 hours a day.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'm gonna check out the bedroom upstairs, okay?

And don't you worry, tomorrow I am going to find a job.

Unfortunately, I've just been a housewife.

The only thing I know how to do is have sex and cook.

I think I have a great idea for a theme restaurant.

Drew, how are you gonna support all these people?

You don't even have a job.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll find something.

I just wish my resume had more on it than one stinkin' store.

Yeah, well, I heard the new owners of that stinkin' store are hiring.

No, Mimi said not to bother.

They're all filled up.

Wait a minute.

Who said that?

Mimi.

Man, what's the point of having an archenemy

if you're gonna believe everything she says?

Wow.

Look at this place.

I can't believe this used to be Winford Louder.

Looks like Mr. Spacely's office.

Welcome, people.

I'm Evan.

This is my brother Scott.

Good luck getting a job at neverendingstore.com.

We plan to sell everything, and our goal is to be

the biggest internet retail outlet in the world.

Well, I wouldn't say it's our goal to be the biggest in the world.

I just wanna do good work in a supportive environment, thank you very much.

And you're an idiot.

Well, that isn't a supportive environment, Scott.

Whoa.

It's a ghost of a guy that used to work here in the 50s.

I'm, uh, Drew Carey.

I'm here for the office manager job.

Yeah, and, you know, I noticed on the way in here, a couple

of the employees had their coffee cups next to the keyboards.

You know, if they spill something, there could be a little electrocution

thing happen, and then you're up to your neck and workman's comp forms.

The B75s, the A19s, the whole K-series, practically.

Well, I'm tweaking from Red Bulls right now, and that almost put me to sleep.

Yeah, but he knows about all the crap we don't wanna deal with.

He'd make a good office manager.

Well, it's either him or that lady that

showed us all the scars from her knife fights.

Baby Mimi?

Yeah.

But you seem easier to control.

All my spine does is hold up my head, sir.

Well, well, well.

What are you doing wasting your time here?

Told you there were no job openings.

Apparently not, so I think I'm the new office manager.

Damn it.

You really needed that job.

Look, Steve's gonna kill me for telling you this, but he got fired from the prison.

They caught him sleeping on the lethal injection table.

Oh, well, jeez, he didn't tell me anything about it.

So if I can't have the job, at least lend me 50 bucks.

Please.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, sure.

I'll give you a couple bucks right away.

Here.

Thanks.

I know it's tough out there, even for single guys with no little mouse to feed.

Thanks.

Well, just kind of like when the dragon fell for the donkey and shrek.

How'd the interview go?

Great.

I got the job.

Oh, great.

And, uh, give it to me.

Help him.

Yep.

Along with all the money in my wallet.

You're crazy.

You can't afford that.

You're pawning stuff to survive.

I'll be all right.

Here, have some pizza.

Hey, where's your couch?

We're eatin' it.

Drew, it's Kate again.

Please call me as soon as you can.

All right, talk to you soon.

I got some free weekend minutes.

I'll call it Saturday.

I'm sure it's nothing.

They can't wait.

How's that fit?

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

It kills me to see you sitting on the floor like that.

It's just so... sad.

Can I sit in the chair, then?

Maybe after I finish my point.

Drew, you let everybody walk all over you.

Kelly, Nikki, Mimi, me.

You're a doormat.

I'm not a doormat.

I'm a nice guy.

Oh, yeah?

Let me tell you about a few other nice people, all right?

Abraham Lincoln.

Shot.

Mahatma Gandhi.

Shot.

Andy Griffith.

Shot.

Andy Griffith wasn't shot.

Exactly.

You know why?

Because he's a monster.

Hey, guys.

How you doin'?

Hey, Kelly.

How you doin'?

How you feelin'?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm just a little tired.

I guess I'm still getting used to this house's noises.

You know, the house settling, the floorboards

creaking from Nikki pacing back and forth.

Does she have a deli slicer up there?

So, Jumbo's been keeping you awake, huh?

What, the thundering of my mighty tree -trunk legs

has been disturbing Little Princess's slumber?

I did not say that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen, Kelly, if the noise is bothering you, just take my bedroom out.

I'll move downstairs.

Really?

Really?

Oh, thank you, Drew.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go up right now and change the bedsheets.

You just gave away your bedroom, Drew.

You really are a doormat.

You know, it's not too late to change.

You don't want to be known as another Lincoln or Gandhi.

Hey, I'm not a Lincoln or Gandhi, okay?

I get things done.

I'm not going over to that store right now, and I'm gonna get myself a job.

Yeah, you do that.

Yeah, you go for it.

Go get him, tiger.

A lot of passion for a crappy little job.

Come in.

Hey, I need to talk to you guys about a job.

Just a second.

We're testing a new arcade game.

I'm still online.

Damn it!

Yes!

Yes!

I win!

I finally win!

Wait till I brag about this to my life coach.

Hey, listen about the job.

Look, you're wasting your time.

The only job openings we have here are for hardcore tech.

Well, I can do tech.

Are you fluent in Linux?

What?

Linux?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you worked with Red Hat 7.2?

More like old Hat 7.2, if you have to.

We have your resume, so we'll think about it.

No!

No, listen, this is a one-day offer only, and...

Let me tell you why you should hire me.

For 20 years, 20 years, I worked at the store

that used to be here, and they screwed me.

Okay?

They took everything.

They took my health benefits, my pension, everything.

It's gone.

But here I am!

I'm back!

I am back for more!

Now, what does that tell you about me?

You work like a dog and you hate yourself.

Do we have one of those?

No, but we need one.

Hey, what?

I'm trying to give you a shot.

We're gonna make you the internal expediting analyst.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You won't regret this.

I'm gonna be the best internal expediting analyst you ever had.

Wow.

Internal expediting analyst?

That's great.

What do you do?

I have no idea.

Wait a minute.

You're gonna take money for doing nothing?

That doesn't sound like you.

Good.

For once, I'm not gonna be the guy who always tries to save the store.

I just want to get a paycheck and lay low.

Hey.

Hi, guys.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, pretty good.

How did it go today?

I got a job.

How about you?

No.

No luck.

Drew, I was hoping that I would move out this week, but it might be a little while.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

See, as long as you want.

I'm an internal expediting analyst now.

Do you have any idea how much that pays?

No.

Yeah, that's what somebody would.

All right, order us up.

Oh, great.

Oh, no, no.

Let me.

Oh.

Why, kid?

Why?

It's tough to get a job out there without any skills.

I sure wish there was something she could do.

Okay, I got a cheeseburger ketchup, no meal.

B-L-T, slow on the side.

Knives go on the right.

Oops, this one's dirty.

I'll get you another one.

Everyone okay here?

I'll have another beer.

You got it, hon.

You know, I just thought of something she could do.

Neuroendocrinologist.

I can't believe you got this couch back from the pawn shop.

Yeah, especially since it had a sign on it that said, Hey, got the couch back,

got a job.

My stripper and my fat girl are getting along.

Pretty good day after all.

Hey!

Hi, guys!

It was good to see you.

How was New York?

It was good.

Drew, I was trying to read you, because I have something important to tell you.

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

What day is it today?

Thursday.

Oh, you know what?

I'm getting married the day after tomorrow.