Original subtitles

Morning.

Morning.

Monday, huh?

Yep, all day.

Hey, isn't this the day the guy with colorful ties comes to water the ferns?

No, it's next Monday.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my!

I don't think we're in Winford louder anymore.

Well, this can't be a dream because I still have my clothes on.

It can't be a nightmare because you still have your clothes on.

So, do you like it?

Like it?

I love it.

Oh, good.

I was worried that it would make your drab little home seem even more drab,

but daddy reminded me that's not my problem.

I wanted to do something to reward my employees.

My accountant informs me that Mercer Industries has had its best year ever.

So, I bought an island off Spain for me and some new desks and lights for you.

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you.

I was busy playing with my light.

Morning, everybody.

What the hell's with the bathrobe and tighten your belt because I just saw your jump?

Well, I hired a corporate masseuse.

I've just had the most relaxing Swedish massage of my entire life.

She would not, however, provide a happy ending.

But don't look at me.

Massouse, cappuccino, all new stuff.

Thank you, Lord Mercer.

And thank you, too.

Oh, I love how poor people hug.

They actually touch in everything.

Yes, I guess if you don't have things, you have to make do with people.

Excuse me.

Hi, looking for Drew Carey?

That's me.

Wow.

The way my day's been going, this must be for Miss Candice Bergen.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

It's for my ex-wife, Nicky.

Oh, really?

An unmarked package from a woman who hates you?

Well, it's probably not a bomb.

Read nothing into me running away.

What's all this about, then?

Well, a little while ago, I married two women at the same time.

Got a little sticky.

But I learned something.

Women, they don't like that.

You don't think she would actually try to hurt you, do you?

Well, I don't know.

You know, you have every right to be angry.

How dare you give me the right to be angry?

Maybe I don't want to be angry.

I got angry?

Of course I'm angry.

What you did to me was ugly enough, and it just got uglier.

Oh, I guess Kate told you that I chose her over you.

Oh,

look what I did.

I just made it worse.

Yeah, but just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's still gonna be holding

the grudge after all this time, does it?

So, open up.

Let's see what Nicky got you.

What the hell?

Chocolate roses and milk bones?

Yeah.

I came up with this card.

Drew, thinking of you, and Speedy.

Nicky.

Are the bombs quad guys mad that you called them out for nothing?

They were yelling a lot, but I think this is just because they're deaf.

I think she wants to get back together with you.

Or kill you.

What?

How do you get that from chocolate roses and milk bones?

Chocolate roses, black roses, the sign of

death, and milk bones equals die like a dog.

Whoa.

That makes sense, hmm?

She doesn't want to kill me.

I mean, Kate was mad at me too, but she got over it.

Well, I had a chance to work through my anger.

Well, glad to see you got that out of your system.

Oh, hey, feel better?

You know, sometimes I write, I still bothers me,

among other things located on my right-hand side.

Yeah, but Nicky's had to hold all that anger in.

I mean, if I hadn't been able to get that out and had all that time to sit around

and think about how you lied to me and deceived

me, I would be dying to beat the crowd.

Okay, look, we agree she wants to kill you, but how's

she going to do that with chocolate roses and milk bones?

Well, it's obvious.

Poison.

And the chocolate roses?

Yeah, and the chocolate roses.

What?

Going to chocolate on my 5th?

How you feeling there, buddy?

Why?

And look, the agree she wants to kill you, but how's she

going to do that with chocolate roses and milk bones?

Well, it's obvious.

Poison.

And the chocolate roses?

Yeah, and the chocolate roses.

What?

Going to chocolate on my 5th?

How you feeling there, buddy?

Why?

If I'm going to die, I have to tell you something.

I buried $63 in a box in the backyard of my mom's house.

That was 30 years ago, so there's no telling what it's worth now.

Relax, man.

Nothing's going to happen.

If you're going to be sick, you'll be sick by now.

Just to be safe, I'll take you to the hospital.

Oh, thanks, man.

I got to admit, I'm kind of freaking out.

I'm scared.

Everything's going dark.

It's called night, ya moron.

Morning, fellow worker.

Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Sure is.

Love my Mondays.

Now, the third floor masseuse tells me we're going

to get white chocolate in the biscotti baskets.

If you like pina coladas,

yo, cup into champagne.

If you like making love at midnight.

My eyes.

And whoever took the fancy stuff, just bring it back and there'll be no trouble.

Damn it.

Morning.

You may or may not have noticed there's been one or two changes around here.

It turns out the accountants have been stealing from Daddy.

All the profits were pretend.

And last night we found out that we lost 650 million dollars.

They took all my business holdings.

Everything except this store.

Still, don't worry, I have a plan.

I have a life insurance policy for 50 million dollars.

So all we have to do is fake my death.

13 times.

Listen, Daddy's full of booze and pills.

But before he got hammered, he said that the only way

we can keep the store is to lay off half the employees.

And then we have to put everyone in management down on the sales floor.

What?

I'm not going back on the sales floor.

That's where I started out.

Please, Drew, Mimi, we can save the store, but we really need your help.

I'm not going to work with the public again.

It's been seven years since I worked with them.

I've lost a lot of my people skills.

If you mean the skill of looking like your people, then baby, it is gone.

That's it.

Forget it.

I'm going to get myself a new job.

Yeah, me too.

Save the store.

Screw the store.

All the stuff the store has done to me, I have the skills, the personality,

the drive.

I can get a job anywhere I want.

Anytime.

Just like that.

Yeah, kiss my ass goodbye, Winford Louder.

Hi.

Welcome to Winford Louder.

I'd like to return the stong underwear.

It didn't make me feel sexy.

Look, I'm not saying this just because I don't

want to touch it, but, uh, I don't believe you.

How about my money back?

Well, I want to lean against the counter now, too, but that's not going to happen.

So, how's sales going, Kerry?

Not very good.

That's because all you have is your design or brand,

so I'm just going to pay 15 bucks for para underwear.

Well, you'll have to make them.

I've got a huge loan to pay off.

Oh, the old store's going to the dogs.

Sales are down in housewares.

They're down in bedding.

And for some reason, we haven't sold a single

pair of women's bloody shoes in three days.

Excuse me.

I'm not busy here.

True.

Just because you saw some kid wearing it in a rap

video doesn't mean it's going to look good on you.

I was on my feet for nine hours at work today.

Wow.

That's tough.

You know, sometimes in the middle of my nurse's aid

shift, I take a nap in one of the empty hospital rooms.

So what?

Well, yesterday I woke up and a pretty nurse was shaving me for surgery.

And?

It's been a long time since anybody touched me down there.

So I let her finish.

Don't get that.

I'm seeing if that's Nicky.

I'm screening my calls.

Hey, it's Drew.

Please leave a very short message at the tone.

Hey, Drew, it's Nicky.

I don't know if you got him, but I sent you some chocolate flowers.

I just want to let you know I'm not mad anymore.

But if you don't want to talk to me, I... It's me.

It's Drew.

How you doing, Nicky?

Oh, Drew.

It took me a while to work through what you did to me.

But now, um... I'm in a really good place.

Well, it's good to hear from you.

You sound good.

Yeah.

I feel good.

Hey, listen, you know, um... I'm coming to town on Saturday.

I was thinking maybe you and I could get together.

Oh, I'd love to get together with you.

You know, I missed you.

I missed you too.

Once by the mall.

So, I'll see you Saturday, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you then.

Bye.

Bye.

Drew, do you think that's a good idea?

Do you really think that's a good idea, Drew?

Yeah, I think it'll be okay.

I mean, there was something in her voice.

And if I know women, and I think I do, it was forgiveness.

What

the hell has Mercer done now?

We're a 69-cent store now.

Well, Carrie, what do you think?

You said everything was too expensive.

So, I got rid of all the designer stuff and ordered boatloads of crap.

Oh, and I'm thinking of changing the name of the store,

from Winfred Lowder to Lord Francis Bargain Castle.

If anybody buys more than $5 worth of stuff, I night them

and give them 50 cents off a can of white mist hairspray.

Need a hug?

Uh-huh.

So, who am I, good friend Thunderpants?

Now, you just work here.

May God forgive me.

Finally, a decent outfit to wear at work.

What's that noise?

It's after 9 o'clock.

They must have opened the doors.

Oh, my God.

The poor people are coming.

Now, don't worry, sweetheart.

Daddy is in control.

Attention, peasants.

Lord Francis lockers your O.D.'s castle.

Hey, Drew, what exactly are you hoping to have happen with Nikki tonight?

I don't know.

I'm just glad she's not mad at me anymore.

And if there's a spark, then, hey, who knows?

Oh, my God.

You're gonna marry her again.

Well, only if I can marry you, too.

Because this time, I think we can make it work.

Oh.

Oh, well, she's early.

Well, you know, be careful, little brother.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

Yeah, me either.

So, uh, if she starts to teeter, run.

Hey, uh, you'll get this later, Drew, but ask her if she can cough up Pinocchio.

Hey.

Hey, Drew.

Good to see you.

Well, it happened again.

What?

What happened?

I don't see any change.

Well, you're definitely fatter.

You know what, you guys?

I know what I look like.

It's okay.

Hey, by the way, did my shoes match?

Well, we'll give you two... we'll give you two your space.

Hey, uh, great to see you.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

So, uh, listen, I want you to have a seat, and I'll get us a couple beers.

Okay.

We're only gonna have one.

I don't want you getting drunk again and marrying me.

Hey, it's great to see you so jolly.

I mean, you know, happy.

You know, I was worried it was gonna be awkward, but I think it's gonna be great.

I haven't made a supply of crackers and... crackers.

I'm sorry.

I'll go back and get the cheese.

It's not about the cheese.

There's cheese.

Sit on the couch.

You broke my heart and ruined my life.

I spent the last eight months eating.

I lost my job.

I couldn't pay the rent, so I got kicked out of my apartment.

I have to worry.

Jester's had it work.

I'm sorry, Drew.

But I have to do this.

No, wait.

You never heard my side of the story.

Just give me one minute.

I'll tell you my side of the story.

Just hear my side.

All right.

You got one minute.

One.

Oh!

This

has been a bad year.

Here, let me, uh, let me help you.

Are you gonna help or what?

Listen, Drew, if you want to call the police, I understand.

If not, I'd just like to leave right now.

No, I'm not gonna call the police.

Oh, I don't know what I'm doing.

My whole life has gone to hell.

Oh, yes.

This is all my fault.

No, no.

You know what?

Don't worry about it.

I gotta... I have to stop blaming other people for my problems.

I'm just...

I'm just gonna go.

No, wait.

Where are you gonna stay?

I don't know.

I'll go sleep on a park bench or something.

Sometimes the cops try to move me, but if I go limp, there's nothing they can do.

Wait.

Listen, don't go.

I feel so responsible.

Why don't you... take it back on your feet.

Why don't you stay with me?

Really?

Drew, you're so sweet.

Oh, you're just saying that to avoid prison.

Now, listen, you're gonna go to your car and get your

stuff, and I'm gonna make us a great dinner, okay?

No, no, no.

You know what?

I'm gonna make you dinner.

You are helping me turn my life around.

It's the least I can do.

Cheese?

Cheese?

Then I'll kill him later.

Do we need any underwear?

Yeah, why don't you get a pound of boxers and, uh, three pounds of briefs.

Hey, you want any CDs?

How about, uh, five pounds of rock?

Okay.

Three pounds of country and half a pound of jazz.

Hey, we haven't bought condoms in a long, long time.

Should we pick some up?

Nah, we're still good.