Original subtitles

Hey, everybody.

It's a woman.

Have you heard?

It's a woman!

It's a woman!

Not from where I'm standing.

Shut your ham hole.

I'm talking about the new store president.

I just heard that Lord Mercer hired a woman.

Finally, somebody in management who won't feel threatened by me.

Good afternoon, everybody here.

Good afternoon, Lord Mercer.

Joy to the store, Lord Mercer has come.

He has amazing hands.

Thank you, Winnie.

He has great hair.

He has great hair.

Thank you, thank you.

Yes, music is a wonderful thing, so please stop doing that to it.

Now, come here, sweetheart.

I'd like you all to meet my daughter, Milan.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

Welcome to Cleveland.

I noticed you don't have an English accent like your father.

Well, I went to boarding school in Connecticut.

And all girls' school.

Don't talk to your father like that.

He's rich.

Your job's to smile and hold on till he's dead.

Hello, Milan.

What a charming young girl you are.

Those lovely eyes.

Just like your father.

Not that I'm attracted to your father.

Not that your father isn't worthy of my attraction.

I mean, if he made the first move, who knows what might happen?

Carey, give him a kiss.

Take the heat off me.

Daddy, we've been here for, like, an hour.

Can we go now?

It's my birthday, and he's got some big surprise for me.

Actually, Milan, this is your surprise birthday present.

Weddings.

This store, and everything in it.

A department store in Cleveland?

Couldn't you find something uglier?

Well, somebody needs a trip to Youngstown for some perspective.

Now, Milan, I'm only doing this to teach you about responsibility.

After all, you've been booted out of...

Oxford, Yale, and the Suntan Institute at the University of Daytona Beach.

She's the new president.

Yes.

I see.

Well, what an honor it will be to have a leader unburdened

by the twin horrors of knowledge and experience.

Well done.

Thank you.

Welcome to the store, sister.

If you need anything, just call, and I'll come running.

Daddy, why is my birthday clown talking to me like that?

Look, Milan, I know this isn't exactly what you wanted, so I'll give you a choice.

Either you can run this store, or you won't

touch a penny of your trust fund until you're 30.

I hate you.

I am going to be the worst president this store has ever seen.

And you know who else is going to hate you?

All these people.

Because I am going to make their lives miserable, too.

Enjoy these years.

You'll never have them again.

Hang on to that sense of humor, Carrie.

You'll need it.

I'm placing her in your charge.

What?

You mean you're promoting me above her?

Good lord, no.

She's still your boss.

I'd just like you to guide her.

You know, show her the ropes, sir.

Give her some advice, that sort of thing.

Oh, and by the way, if you fail, you'll be out of that

co-manager's office and back in this shabby little cubicle.

Good luck.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go bleep and rock, bleep and rock.

She's living in sin with a safe deep end.

Go bleep and rock.

What the hell was Milan?

Look, I gotta get down to that meeting with the union

reps if she shows up, what you just said right over.

You really think a teenager can handle a union negotiation?

It beats me.

I tried to teach her about this stuff yesterday.

I don't know how much of it sunk in.

She's a real airhead, huh?

No, we were at the mall and security guards kept hassling me.

Apparently, if someone like me follows someone like her showing a bunch of photos.

..

I did some kind of profile.

Is our new teen president still missing there?

Well, perhaps Archie's jalofy broke down.

Hey, guys.

Am I late?

No, no, no.

11.49.

That's usually when America rolls up its sleeves and gets down to business.

Whatever.

I think we should get down to the learning dock, huh?

I'll show you the way.

I used to spend a lot of time down there before I got married.

Why?

Big guys show an ass-crack.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night just for thinking about it.

I

don't have a new contract.

Already shows disrespect.

If this Mercer girl's in here in five minutes, negotiations are off.

Okay, fine.

Five minutes.

Hey!

One of those new boomboxes.

That's... lucky.

We had a whole shipment of those stolen.

We don't even know who took them.

It's been a...

Yeah, you're, uh... lucky, lucky guys.

Sorry we're late.

What a beat.

Hey, Stan.

Hey, boys.

Hey, me.

Easy now.

Oh, I'm married.

Well, shall we get down to business?

Yes, let's.

I can take it from here.

So, I looked over your contract proposal and, um,

every item seems doable except for items 17 through 20.

Those would just be too expensive.

All right, Gidget.

Maybe... maybe there's some room to move on 17, but we're not budgeting on the others.

You know, you may think that I look like some dumb teenage girl, but I represent

Mercer Industries, and I suggest that you treat me with the same respect that you

would treat my father or any... Oh, my God, you're Tanyan!

You're back from Spain!

Oh, sorry.

Everybody, I'd like you to meet the best kisser in the world.

What's up?

I heard about you.

Hi, I'm Drew.

Uh, Nick, Stan, Joe, this is, uh, D'Artagnan.

I ain't gonna call you that.

Pick something else.

Maybe I should wait for you upstairs.

No, no, no.

I haven't seen you in two weeks.

Sit down.

So, um, let's just continue with the negotiations.

Fine.

Let's start with item 18.

Uh, the guys need a new break room.

The one we have now is totally unacceptable.

Well, can you be more specific?

Yeah, well, we need, uh...

air conditioning.

We need, uh, a new refrigerator and maybe a TV with color.

Yeah, I think you're finishing the movie.

Ew!

Uh, so, we're finishing it.

It'd be great for those, uh...

days when it's...

hot.

Sticky.

Sticky.

Sticky.

Oh, air conditioning will be fine.

Uh, D'Artagnan...

It weakens our position when you have your hands down his pants.

No, it weakens my position as a negotiator when you undercut my authority.

I ache for you, baby.

You're so unprofessional.

I'm leaving.

If you need me, I'll be outside sitting in the snow.

I couldn't believe it.

She was... kissing his neck and rubbing her hands all over his chest.

Slowly working her way down to his arm.

How old was this girl again?

Nineteen.

Tell us the story again, Uncle Drew.

So, what happened with the rest of the union negotiations?

Well, her and her boyfriend got so hot and bothered, they just...

walked out in the middle of everything.

Sorry about your problems with your rich, beautiful boss, Drew.

I've never written you a sympathy card at drug-co if I

hadn't spent the day mopping up elephant after birth.

That's disgusting.

So typical.

You want your shampoo and your conditioner in

one, but you don't want to know how they do it.

Uh, I got your message.

I'm sorry about the negotiations, but I mean, she's a young girl in love.

Why are you calling me for help?

Well, I was hoping you could help her get her priorities straight.

You know, you're a career woman yourself.

You're doing really well.

You could be a good role model for her.

Really?

You think?

Don't forget to tell her about that 20 years she

spent drunk wedged between a mattress and a stranger.

Dave, you wanted to see me?

Hi, Milan.

These are my friends, Oswald, Lewis, my brother Steve, this is Kate.

This is everybody.

This is Milan.

Kate wanted to talk to you.

She's an executive at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

That's cool.

Yeah, let's go over here.

So, uh, Milan, Drew tells me you're having some problems focusing at work.

Like me, you're a female executive in a man's world, and it's very important to

keep your professional life separate from your personal life.

I mean, I heard about that meeting, and trust me,

there's no man worth tanking your career over.

Don't forget.

He's

not just any man.

I mean, I love him, and he loves me, and we're gonna be together forever.

Milan, you really believe that?

You don't understand.

I mean, he's so sweet and sensitive, and he does this amazing thing with his

eyes, and he stares at you, and it just melts

you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You don't have to stop him, it burns a rib.

Okay, look, if you focus on your job and you do really

well, he's gonna respect you even more than he does now.

Wow.

You're so old and wise.

Like Yoda.

Aren't you cute?

That hurts.

Yes, it does.

Hey, uh, Milan, I was just up on the second floor, and there's...

there's nobody there.

I know.

I fired them all.

What?

Why?

Well, because they were stuck up.

I mean, I'm store president.

People should come up to me and be like, hi, Milan, or great shoes, Milan,

or how's your boyfriend, Milan?

And I'd say, oh, great.

That's great.

Thanks for asking, because Dortanian dumped me.

Oh, that's okay.

You know, there's other... she dies with goofy names out there.

No, no, none of this would have ever happened if

you didn't make me talk to your stupid friend, Kate.

I'm sorry, Drew, but you've got to be punished.

Wow.

Am I having a good day or a bad day?

So she busted you down to the loading dock, huh, Carrie?

If you have any questions, just let me know.

I got one.

If you hear a rippet sound like Velcro and you taste blood, is that bad?

Morning, Red.

Dutch chopper, Fat Tony.

Actually, it's Joe, Nick, Andy, Larry.

Yes, does it really matter?

Carrie.

You have to do something about Milan.

She's depressed about her boyfriend and she's making horrible, horrible decisions.

Oh, that's just great.

You know, Mercer's going to be checking up on us tomorrow

because he's going to blame me for this whole mess.

We have to get her mind off this D 'Artagnan fellow.

And I have an idea.

All I need to do is get my hands on another sexy young man.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I said, I need to get my hands on a sexy young man.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Mr. Wick.

This Mercer just called down for you.

It seems she's bored, so she'd like you and her chauffeur to oil up an Indian wrestle.

Don't stand a chance.

He's an Indian.

These days, she'll push me too far.

And when that happens, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to weep.

Yes, that's right.

I'm going to curl up into the fetal position and weep like a little baby.

Oh, yes, people won't know where to look.

It will be awkward.

It'll be awkward as hell.

Oh, you poor thing.

Milan actually busted you down to the loading dock.

You know what?

I'm going to go tell her it was all my fault.

No, I got a better idea.

You go see D'Artagnan yourself, tell him it was all your fault,

and then maybe he'll go back to Milan.

Good idea.

And if it makes you feel any better, you

look good dressed up like a loading dock guy.

Hey, check it out.

I'm wearing special underpants to make my crack look bigger.

Enter, muse.

Hi, D'Artagnan.

I'm Kate O'Brien.

I'm a friend of Milan's, and I just wanted to talk to you about her.

See, this is all my fault.

I told her not to focus on you so much.

Oh, well, thank you.

You see, I'm well rid of that child.

Now, I seek a woman.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, the thing is that... Did you paint that?

Oh, guilty.

It's beautiful.

No, it's not.

It's obvious, it's easy, it's dishonest, and the

world would be a better place without all of its lies.

Stop mocking me!

Look, I just think you're upset about Milan.

I mean, she loves you.

You should go back to her.

No, no, no.

She belongs with somebody her own age, and I...

I, too, belong with someone my own age.

Someone like you.

How old are you?

Twenty-eight.

You're good.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

I must paint you.

I must paint you, Kate O'Brien.

I'm painting you.

Look at you, you're so beautiful.

I must capture that beauty like a little bird.

Wow, no one's ever wanted to paint me before.

I mean, once I caught a landlord, you know, snapping pictures of me in the

shower, but... I wasn't nearly splattering.

Sit right here.

You know what?

I mean, I think I should go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Please.

Stay.

Oh, my.

I've heard about that look.

No things any better in the loading, Doctor?

Yeah, I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.

Really?

Hey, Drew, could you pass me those pretzels?

Sure.

Wow, that just hurts.

That's his penis in the zipper face.

Everybody, raise your hands if you're proud of America.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

How'd you talk with our canyon go?

I'm sorry, Drew.

It just happened.

He said he was never going back to Milan.

He painted my portrait, and then he gave me that look of his.

Anyway, we ended up naked in a bathtub, and I thought, how refreshing.

A guy who just wants to wash me.

But it didn't end there.

Bastard.

I followed for that one, too.

Damn it, Kate.

If he doesn't get back with Milan, I'll never get off the loading dock.

Why'd you do it, Kate?

Hey, guys.

Hey, it's... Look, it's Milan.

I see her, Drew.

So, don't worry, Kate.

I'm not mad about your stupid advice.

And I'm not mad at you either, Drew.

I'm promoting you back to co-manager again.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's great.

This is the clack, clack, clack part of the

roller coaster right before the screaming starts.

Yeah.

I was thinking, you know, D'Artagnan and I had something really special, and it's

only a matter of time before he realizes that and comes back to me.

Shut up.

Care to make a wager on that?

Let's say a million dollars.

Milan, you are so young, and there are so many guys out there, and you're so pretty.

I'm just saying, don't put all your eggs in one bathtub.

Bathtub?

Do I see bathtub?

Oh, no.

I meant don't put all your sex in one basket.

Oh, that's me.

Hello?

It's D'Artagnan.

Hi.

What?

I've been calling you all day.

What took you so long to call me back?

You did what?

With whom?

You!

Go to hell, D'Artagnan!

Well, I hope you're all happy.

You people have ruined my life!

I'm really sorry, Drew.

Would it help if I talked to Lord Mercer?

My instincts say no.

Hey, have you seen Milan?

She was supposed to be here an hour ago.

Haven't seen her.

Have you tried the Junior Bitch Department?

How is her father's gonna be here any minute?

She's not at home.

She's not at work.

Where the hell is she?

Let me give you some advice.

You're ugly.

That's... that's not advice.

I know, but you would have tuned me out if I started with here comes an insult.

Hello, Gary.

How goes the stall?

Oh, fantastic.

I love your daughter.

She's great.

She's wonderful.

Yes.

If I were sure she was mine, I'd be flattered.

Where is she?

She's, uh... She's... Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

She's in the ladies' room!

Just... just sit tight and don't look down!

Good advice, Gary.

Well, all we're asking is that you teach us the look.

Yeah.

Just go like this.

Hello, ladies.

I don't know why, guys, but these beers are on me.

Oh, thanks.