Original subtitles

Hey, everybody, don't forget, after you sign up, there's the line where you can

get your baby's picture taken for the program.

Excuse me.

You know, this is the beautiful baby contest, right?

It's your 20 bucks.

Not a bad turnout.

Good idea having this baby competition to promote the new baby world department,

Kenny.

Thank you, sir.

Still gonna be a judge for the contest?

No, even better.

I'm going to be the master of ceremonies.

I love babies, and I've always gotten along rather well with them.

Excuse me.

I'm Nigel Wakehand.

You are?

And you are?

Someone who obviously thinks they're better than me because of my humble beginnings.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Baby.

You've made an enemy today.

Big mistake.

Hey, bro.

Hey.

You know what?

I think your nephew is a she-win for this contest.

Yeah, he's a good-looking now, but don't forget that

Mimi Jean waiting to go off on him like a time bomb.

Oh, there's Scott's little miracle.

Oh, and there's the thing that fell out of God's nose.

Prince of space of Monaco.

They told me you would die.

Bad news, Mimi.

I couldn't find a babysitter for this weekend.

Hey, I'm not doing anything this weekend.

Did you ask Marcy?

She's pregnant.

So?

Well, that's really hard on a 12-year-old.

And what about Drew?

The worst one was really creepy, and even the worst was such a sad drunk.

Such a worthless sack of crap.

She doesn't want to impose.

Come on!

I've been asking you to babysit for over a year

now, and you always come up with some excuse.

He can't keep me away from him forever.

Well, you know, that's not a lot more threatening than I meant it to be.

I bet you haven't noticed, Jay, these long years we've known each other,

but I hate you!

You want to get a love someone to let them watch your baby?

Forget it.

Just call the bed and breakfast and cancel.

No.

What?

Drew's family, and he's going to watch King Gus.

Besides, you and I need some time together, just the two of us.

I want to make love to you without our screams waking the baby.

You know, her screams I never understood.

Yours I get.

All right.

All right.

You've got one chance, but if anything goes wrong,

if one hair on that baby's head is... Relax.

Go to your bed and breakfast.

Have a good time.

For Steve's sake, I hope they have a hell of a breakfast.

Hey, guys, what do we got?

Oh, baby.

You know, I was thought that treason would be your first death penalty crime.

No, you know my girlfriend, Colleen.

It's her nephew.

We're entering him in the contest.

What for?

We need the cash to buy new heating ducts.

We fell through the old ones playing Mission Impossible.

You know, most guys, they need extra money.

They get a part-time job, work a little overtime.

At the very least, they don't crawl through

the heating ducts playing Mission Impossible.

Except, you shouldn't be holding a live baby.

Oh, too late.

Super baby!

Spider baby!

Be on the moon!

Stop it!

Stop it!

For God's sake!

It's like watching an amateur chainsaw juggler.

So, there's the competition, huh?

Yeah, just steal it away from the mommy gorilla.

Shut up.

Our baby's cute.

He can beat that punk-nosed melonhead any day of the week.

That's my nephew.

Nobody calls my kid a melonhead.

We just did.

Melonhead?

I'd rather be a melonhead than a duty head.

Oh, yeah, real mature.

Whoa, whoa.

Guys, better work on your insults, you know.

A little league's only a few years away.

See, mama, that's your mama.

See?

I'm not asking you to like it.

I just want you to admit it.

Come on, mama.

Do you really need all this child-proofing stuff?

I mean, I like the baby's as much as the next person, but if this is what it takes

to keep them alive, well, I just don't know.

I just want to make sure nothing goes wrong.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to kiss

Mimi's butt by teaching him something new.

I only got a half hour left.

Come on.

Come on, buddy.

See, mama.

Look at mama.

Come on, Gus.

My dog can flush the toilet.

Hey.

Hey, this is a good idea.

We should drunk-proof our house, too.

For me, it's for the baby.

Oh, wow.

You know, if you put them in rehab, you wouldn't need all this stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're all adorable.

But the reason we're gonna win is because we got something extra.

Yeah, here's what we're thinking.

Now, people love music, right?

Babies love to cry.

So you put the two together, what do you get?

The newborn blues.

That ain't no boy.

What do you think?

Thank you for not making you a rap number.

You know, come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

I mean, it's only real talent here is wearing sunglasses.

Which is really just having a nose.

I need to come up with a new gimmick, but something simple.

We only got a few hours to the pageant.

Hey.

What?

How about if we teach him to play checkers against a chicken?

Hey, uh, didn't you already play checkers against a chicken and beat him?

Then he should beat me in checkers.

Just decide, and he'll beat you at checkers.

Okay.

See you later, loser.

You know, if that's any indication, Gus, you've got this pageant in the bag.

What is this?

Oh, that's so cute, Drew.

You got a little fire hydrant to chew on.

Oh, hey.

That's a skinny dog toy.

Can you get a... Is that the baby disinfectant wipes?

They're in the bathroom.

Hey, buddy.

How many times do I got to tell you this... It's a dog toy.

This... It's a baby toy.

Drew, I can't get the drawer open.

Oh, it's baby-proofed.

They'll be right there.

Hey, it's okay.

All you have to do is press this thing down.

All of it's right up.

See?

We're gonna have babies roof the door.

Why isn't baby-proofed on the inside?

Okay, there's a logic to this.

Now, say I have to go to the bathroom, right?

Naturally, I want to bring the baby with me.

And let's say I die in the toilet.

Could it happen?

If the house catches on fire, the baby is safe right in this room.

In a burning house with a corpse.

Make anything sound stupid by, you know, repeating it?

Yeah.

Oh, stupid thing.

All these cheap things.

Can you believe this stupid piece of crap?

It's broken.

Look at that.

Last time I buy anything and everything's a quarter, let me tell you.

Follow me, our middle name.

What a bunch of bunk.

I mean, the 25-cent bucket of crap is pretty good, but everything else there blows.

Is there a can of shaving cream or something I can hit it with?

Oh, scented candle, bubble bath.

And the Titanic soundtrack.

Sometimes a guy just needs to make the world go away.

Mm-hmm.

Squint.

Stuck here.

Oh.

What's he doing out there?

I can see him.

Okay, I know this is a long shot.

Hey, Gus, get your uncle Drew a screwdriver.

Dalton!

Oh, well, now I guess it's just a waiting game, huh, Drew?

What's going on?

I can't see Speedy or Gus.

Drew, I wouldn't worry about it.

They had a long day.

They're probably just lying together, sacked out.

Oh, he's just riding the dog.

You know, if he gets one scratch on him, I

mean, he's never gonna let me see him again.

Here, give me something to nut the thing.

Let's get your tweezers.

Here, watch this.

Here we go.

Ow!

Ouch!

It's gonna take too long.

I have to knock the door down.

Right.

What?

Can I knock a door down?

Drew, you have an old person's railing next to your toilet.

Hey, I work hard in here.

Sometimes I get a little dizzy.

Oh, God, he's okay.

Stupid door!

Drew, why are you flipping off the door?

Because it makes me feel like a big man.

Welcome back to back.

Oh, great.

Smells like beer and dog food and the bathroom door's been torn off the hinges.

Questions will be asked.

And then Jack fell down and broke his crown, and

Jill applied pressure until the paramedic came.

Steve, are you back so soon?

Look at you three.

Aren't you an adorable picture?

Yeah, we're just doing a little reading.

Yeah.

Yeah, straight abroad is mine.

Come here, little buddy.

Come here.

And what did you learn from your Uncle Drew this weekend, huh?

Drew, you're flipping me the bird.

You know, you teach him to throw a beer bottle and get yourself a little brown span.

I can't believe you taught him to give me the bird.

Thanks to you, we can skip kindergarten to go straight to the Navy.

Sorry, we got...

We got locked in the bathroom and, you know, when I got the door loose finally, I.

..

I might, uh, flip it off for a second or two.

Poor little King Gus.

You know what?

He would have flipped you off sooner or later

when he realized the name you stuck him with.

No, I can feel his dirty little finger trying to get out.

You know, Mimi's outside in the car.

If she comes in here and finds out what you've

done, she's not gonna let you babysit anymore.

Okay, well, wait.

He's only doing it because it's something new.

Let's teach him another gesture.

Let's teach him a thumbs up.

Oh, hey, how about this?

How about two thumbs up like the fox?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go have a good try.

All right.

Okay, ready?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

I can't believe this struck the nation.

What's taking so long?

Just, uh, get stuff on my way out.

Come on.

Oh, Mommy's home, sweetheart.

Oh, yes.

Did you miss your mommy?

Did you just do it?

He did a Fonzie.

Oh, Fonzie.

A perfectly acceptable gesture, would you say?

Yeah, it was the cutest thing I ever saw.

Who taught him that?

A turn I did.

Yeah.

Well, you know, like to help out the nephew.

All right.

You did okay.

I guess you can babysit again.

Great.

Hey.

I guess I'll be seeing you pretty soon with that little fella.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Why is the bathroom door off the hinges?

Did you ever buy crab, but, uh, everything's a quarter?

And please welcome contestant number eight, Melissa.

She's 13 months out.

Her turn off is Mummy.

Her turn off is Absence of Mummy.

Isn't she beautiful?

And that's 23 points.

That's what you mean, it's the fourth place.

So our current leader is still...

What single mother needs money?

Oh, sorry.

Not to myself.

The leader is still Baby Hannah.

And our next little baby is Zachary.

He's 40 months old with his guardians, Oswald and Louis.

Randy Little Zach has a talent.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the magical stylings

of the infant illusionist, the amazing Bambini.

Dad, I thought this was supposed to be about looks.

What are we teaching our children here?

And for his first trick, there is nothing up his sleeve.

There is nothing in his diaper.

You now pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Believe your eyes.

And now, for our final trick, a trick never before attempted by a baby.

Oswald, you slip the amazing Bambini into the straight jacket of death.

Please lower the rope.

And have the ball of scorpions, please.

For God's sake, somebody stop them.

Shut up, I want to see this.

Time's up, amazing Bambini.

May we have the judge's decision, please?

Maybe Hannah is still in the lead.

You need a license to cut hair, but any idiot can buy a ball of scorpions.

It brings us to our final contestant, Baby King Gus.

He's forcing Marta, his interests are putting shoes in

the toilet and the boxes that expensive toys come in.

And the judge's decision...

..and the Winford Light, the most beautiful baby, is King Gus.

A check for $1,000.

And for the baby, a DVD of the movie Pretty Baby, which I assume is about a baby.

You must be very proud, Mrs. Burbank.

And would you like a photograph with a camera, little man?

Hey, Juan, leave him alone.

And what about a pose with that, the American flag?

This is very freedom to do that, which makes this country great.

You're right.

Death to the traitor baby.

Give me that.

And the new.

..

It's so obvious what happened.

I've never been so mad at anybody in my whole life.

I'm so sorry about this.

Oh, stop trying to make me feel better.

I flipped somebody off once in a car.

He must have picked it up.

I'm a terrible mother!

It's not what you think.

Don't go tell her.

What are you talking about?

You see how upset she is?

Me!

She finds out it's me.

I'm never going to be able to see Gus again.

It took me a year to be able to babysit a kid once.

You know, Drew's right.

Mimi's looking for any excuse to keep Drew out of Gus's life.

Come on.

She'll get over it in a day or so.

Look at me.

I might never even have kids.

All right.

Hey.

Sorry about the contest, Steve.

You guys got robbed.

Yeah, but don't worry.

There's always next year.

Hey, do you think we can teach a baby to shoot an apple off my head with a crossbow?

What do we got to lose?

Hey, Mimi.

Here's Steve taking it at dinner and the racetrack night.

I suggest the racetrack first.

You'll run faster.

Yeah, yeah.

You're a pig.

I'm a horse.

What are we doing here?

How are you?

Well, how would you like it if because of you your kid flipped off the flag?

Come on, Mimi.

That was a week ago.

I don't think you understand.

You probably don't know this to look at me, but my

parents weren't the classiest people in the world.

Well, the trucker and the adult bookstore owner, get out of here.

Anyway, I promised myself that I would bring Gus up better.

And here it is almost a year now, and I'm just doing worse.

Here.

We'll be back about 11.

Hey, Mimi.

Gus didn't, uh...

Gus didn't get that from you.

He got it from me.

He did?

I don't believe this.

And for a whole week, you let me think that I was a bad mother.

Yeah, I was afraid if you thought it was me, you won't let me babysit Gus anymore.

Well, you're right.

Because you're never babysitting him again.

Come on.

That's no fair.

You did in front of him, too.

I had an excuse.

I was late for a movie, and I got stuck behind a funeral procession.

Let's get out of this dumb Gus.

We're going to the racetrack.

Mama.

My God.

You said his first word?

Mama.

That's right, honey.

I'm here.

Mama.

I taught him that.

I taught him that when I speak.

You did?

You taught him his first word?

Mama?

Yeah.

I wanted you to think it was a good influence on him.

Oh.

Well, you know what?

I can't take Gus to the track, because he's allergic, too.

Horses?

Yeah.

Would you mind watching him tonight?

I'd love to.

Okay.

Come here, buddy.

There you go.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Can you say bye-bye?

Say bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

If you had four fingers on that, it's a wave.

He's

completely away from us now.

Sorry.

The only unsmall apple is left at the store.

Can I wear a medal helmet?

It just makes him nervous.

Okay, let's hurry up.

It's almost time for your bath.

Maybe you don't need a bath.

Okay, fire.

Whose cat is that?

It's God's cat now.