Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Check it out.

Got a brand-new way of getting a job, a video resume.

Well, why do you have a video resume?

Why don't you just use a regular paper one?

I tried that, but I only had one regular job.

It said Winford Louder, 1983 to 2001.

Looks like a headstone.

So, guess who we picked to shoot the resume?

After watching all those videos at the Rockman Hall of

Fame, I've developed an instinctive feel for what works.

An artist's eye, if you will.

It was her camera.

Anyway, we sent this baby out to every corporation in Ohio.

Good for you, bro.

Yeah.

I decided to go for it.

For now on, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get whatever I want.

Here.

Check it out.

He's the big man you want on top.

But is he ready to tackle the job?

Damn right he is.

He's yours 24-7 because he's got no wife, no kids, no exercise regimen.

Not only is he a hard worker, he's good with people.

You can't say carry without care.

Huh?

What do you think?

Well, I liked it till you killed the baby in the end.

I caught him.

It was a fumble that took 10 years off my life, but I caught him.

Excuse me.

Hello?

It's Proctor and Cammie.

Wow.

Yeah, really?

Like the video?

Well, great.

Yeah, why would I need special furniture?

No, I was at the camera angle.

I'm all under eight feet tall.

Great.

Thank you very much.

Okay, see you then.

It worked.

I got a dinner appointment tomorrow night with Proctor

and Gamble for regional vice president of marketing.

Excuse me.

Hello?

It's Citi Pang.

From New York City.

Oh, that's awfully nice of you.

Thank you very much.

Yes.

All right, bye.

They said if I wire him $300, I'm not gonna cancel my credit card.

Hey, you're early.

Mr. Wick's not ready for you.

Still the garbage.

Oh, Wick offended the head of the janitor's

union, so nobody's picked it up for two weeks.

Good thing you're here.

I mean, you know, keep the rat population under control.

I wish there were rats.

They all died last week on the same day.

That can't be good.

Is that my replacement?

Yeah.

See if you can figure out where Wick found her.

Oh, Tawny.

Can you bring me the Newsom file?

So, she's a stripper.

Doesn't mean she can't do the job.

Hello, Kelly.

Glad you could drop by.

I have a business proposition for you.

Come back or I'll kill myself, intrigued.

I'm sorry, sir, but I already have an interview tonight with Proctor and Gamble.

Ah.

Then my offer of your old job back and... 700 free hours of AOL.

You know, nine of those just fell out of my TV guide today.

All right, let's stop messing around.

You always did good work here, and you deserve to be rewarded.

How would you like to be co-manager of Winfrey Loud?

Really?

Run the store with you.

You know, a couple months ago, I would have jumped at that, but not anymore.

I can do better.

Well, that's it, Ted.

I'll get fired.

I'm ruined.

I'll go back to England to lose her.

Silly boy.

No son of mine could ever be a loser.

Gary, this is my mommy, Maggie Wick.

Nice to meet you.

What a handsome woman you are.

Thank you.

Nigel has told me so much about you.

But you don't look like a girl.

May I return the compliment?

You must be the one who married my sweet Nigel so that you could stay in the country.

Yeah, it's kind of creepy, isn't it?

Oh, look what I'm talking to.

Whoa.

Who says the menopause hit her hard and then dragged her for 50 yards?

And who did this to your face, dear soccer hoodlums of the skiddies?

Oh, yeah, that's such a funny joke.

Why don't we go outside and tell a few more like that?

We'll take the stairs, you first.

Honey, what are you doing here?

I knew you were in trouble the moment I heard

your morbid little voice on the telephone.

You never could hide anything from your glamorous molecules.

Have you had to have sex with either a hammerhead shark or... Hammerhead shark.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I have to be going.

I'm, uh, see about my other job.

I'm sorry I can't help you, Mr. Wick.

Mrs. Wick, it was nice meeting you.

My, the hair on your knuckles is so soft.

Darling boy, tell Mavicans what's bothering you.

Well, I can't run the store myself, and Drew won't help me, and I don't know

what I'm going to do, and I really haven't.

What would your dear father say if we knew who he was?

I mean, if he were you.

I'm sorry, I'm just at the end of my rope.

Oh, there, there, there.

Mavicans will take care of everything for her sweet little boy.

First, let's tidy you up a bit, shall we?

Fourth, good.

Chewing tobacco.

It smells like her.

Hey, Drew.

Yeah?

Hey, before you head out on your interview, can we borrow your laptop?

Uh, yeah, sure, what for?

Well, we need it for editing.

You got so lucky with your video resume, we're going

to make a commercial about ourselves to get women.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, look, hey, don't take this the wrong way, but more

information about you guys may not be the key to success.

This'll work, okay?

We're going to show it on the TV down at the war sauce.

All the women there know that we're respectable homeowners.

Then they'll have to date us.

Kate's going to direct it, and I'm going to narrate it.

How's this sound?

From the director of the Drew Carey resume, and

a homemade sex video she thought she'd erased.

Lewis and Oswald are... done in 60 seconds.

Thanks for the computer.

Good luck on your interview.

Oh, by the way, Kate, I'm willing to do nudity if it advances the story.

What do you guys want now?

Good evening, Mr. Carey.

My, don't you look dashing.

You rogue, you... Oh, I spy a little spot of lint just here.

Mrs. Wick, what are you doing here?

Wine, darling.

I thought you might like a little drinky to calm you down before your job interview.

Remember, wine isn't the only thing that improves with age.

Oh, what a shame.

I just quit drinking a couple minutes ago.

I want to talk to you about coming back to the shop to help my dear Nigel.

Well, I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

I have my mind made up.

I'm going to go after this other job.

I see.

Darling, you can't make a proper impression with your tie or a skew.

I'll change your mind, dear.

I've changed a lot of men's minds in my time.

Really?

Was one of adult and John?

No, we're both adults here.

Let's settle down and have a reasonable discussion, shall we?

No!

That's an 11-hour shirt!

Yes, stop!

Stop!

Stop!

No, no, no, no, no!

I forbid it!

My Nigel needs you!

You cannot go to that job interview!

Don't hear what you're saying.

I'm going to get it.

Oh, my God!

My husband's cheating on me with my mommy!

What?

Oh, Matt, it's so much a thing!

I'd better go comfort him.

So, you naughty boy, let's make this a quick one, shall we?

If you can find it, you can have it.

Allow me.

Trash, white trash, white trash, trash.

Bend over.

I want to see if I shove this in far enough if I can blow your glasses off.

Maybe later.

I'm here to see Wick.

Have you seen him around?

Nope.

He didn't come in today.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be working at Proctor & Gamble by now.

It was a half-hour late, so the guy wasn't there.

They gave you a job to somebody else.

Curry!

Good morning, Mr. Stansfield.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you or not, but I've

always thought you were the most attractive man on the board.

Curry, I'm glad you're here.

I've been trying to reach him.

Me, sir, why?

Wick has been screwing up ever since you left here.

He hasn't even shown up in the past two days.

Really?

That's weird.

I haven't been able to get ahold of him either.

It doesn't matter.

We need you, Curry.

How would you like to be manager of Winford Louder?

Manager?

Boy, I really appreciate it.

I feel uncomfortable taking the job under these circumstances.

Well, if it's not you, it's gonna be somebody else.

Yes or no?

It's your decision.

Wow.

Just think.

All this can be mine.

Hey, there's some cuties.

Roll the tape, Tim.

Now, I don't care if you're rich and handsome.

If you don't own a house, get out.

Where does a girl have to go to find a guy with a house?

The bar of the Warsaw.

Right below the television.

Built by clowns and decorated by gays.

Imagine yourself here.

I'm going over to the bar.

How about you?

Louis and Oswald make no guarantees and are not responsible for lost or stolen items.

Please, no fatties, no liners, no prudes, no baldies, no virgins, no she-nails.

Oh, man.

I can't believe that.

We build a house, we make a commercial.

You think it's us?

Yeah.

Obviously, this bar is full of fatties, winers,

prudes, baldies, virgins, and she-nails.

Hello, Bucky!

How much alcohol could I purchase with this?

It's only thirty-nine cents.

All right.

I also have a ketchup packet and a citation for public urination.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, my God, Mr. Wick, you're drunk.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Wick, what happened?

You've been sober for three years.

Well, I'm allowed special dispensation on Sunday.

Christmas Day, New Year's Day, and Drew pounding it to my Mother's Day.

That must be an English holiday.

Wait a minute.

You're telling us that Drew had sex with your mom?

I saw it with my own eyes.

That's not all.

After he'd given my mom the old twig and berries, he stole my bloody job.

All right.

Come on.

You're drunk.

You're babbling.

Let's get you a rehab.

Everything will be just fine.

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Drew loves you, right?

The best revenge we could have is for you and me to do it right here.

You're not looking your best tonight, but that's all right.

I'm willing.

Come on, Mr. Wick.

Hey, hey, what's the rush?

Let's stay here and think about this for a while.

We're gonna take you to rehab now.

All right, all right, but I have to go to the men's room.

I haven't relieved myself since...

9.32 this morning.

Man, I have never seen him this bad.

I mean, he thinks that Drew stole his job and slept with his mom.

Hey, everybody.

Guess who's the new manager at Winford Louder?

Isn't that Mr. Wick's job?

Not anymore.

Hey, Drew, have you seen Mr. Wick's mom lately?

Yeah, I saw her the other day.

Man, what a wrestling match that was.

It's true.

Poor Mr. Wick.

You know, the guy's in the bathroom right now

probably puking his guts out because of you.

Is he really?

I've been looking all over for him.

Let me go talk to him.

Oh, man.

Must have pulled something when he rolled over on his mom.

Oh, my God.

Well, he did say he'd do whatever it took to get ahead.

But making Wick crazy by having sex with his mom?

Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna have sex with

anybody's mom, it really should be Oswald's mom.

Hey, you're talking about my mom.

Come on, you don't think your mom is hot?

Of course she's hot.

She's super hot.

Could somebody please say something?

Hey, I think if you're not out the window, I'm gonna try to see if I can find him.

Who knows what he might be up to.

Huh.

I can't believe it.

Our best friend is a ruthless bastard who has no respect for other people.

Wow.

Do you think he still respects us?

Sure.

Except for you, mother-lubber.

Can-a-ba-tree-ow!

Can-a-ba-tree-ow!

Ah, for the pain!

I'm trying to kill you.

Help me up.

Please, are you drunk?

Yes.

And let me tell you another thing.

Even though you impregnated my mother and made

me your brother, I will never call you father.

Now!

This might be hard to believe, but your mother came on to me, okay?

Nothing happened.

Oh, please.

Come on.

You know me, you know your mother, you know she is.

Want to do something like that?

Well, it is kind of hard to believe.

Hello.

I hate to think of mother that way.

Then, you know, then they fired me and everything.

God, it's just too much.

Come on, you weren't doing the job anyway and you were hurting a lot of people.

I know.

Can't you miss it as much as I do?

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll take you to rehab.

I can take you tonight.

And I promise I'll do my best to get your job back at the store, okay?

As manager?

No, no.

Something you can handle.

All right.

Do me a favor.

Don't judge my mother too harshly.

She wasn't always a tramp, you know.

She used to dance topless in a cage.

That's how you should remember her, sir.

Hey, Drew, did you look to the board?

What did they say?

I'm sorry.

They won't give you your job back.

They're, uh... They're concerned about your drinking.

That's crazy.

They shouldn't be concerned about my drinking.

It's the one thing I do well.

Congratulations, lovey.

Lovey!

I just had a little chat with Mr. Stansfield here.

And he's agreed to give you a job at this floor again.

Really?

What could you have told him?

I practically got down to my hands and needed...

Carrie, I thought it over.

And with you and Mr. Wick as... Co-managers?

Co-managers.

You make a fine team.

Are you kidding me?

You can't do this job.

He practically ruined the place.

A deal is a deal, Mr. Carrie.

You cannot take this job away from my Nigel.

Uh, wait a minute, Mommy.

What?

Well, I learned it by AA meetings.

I have to take responsibility for my own life.

Carrie, this is your decision.

You must do what you think is right.

Hey, why do you have to turn into a human being now?

I suppose I'd better give him his job back, otherwise

you'll just show up at my house dressed in God knows what.

Perhaps something of yours, dear.

I've been told I look quite fetching in a man's shirt.

Yeah, I can see you fetching.

I'll tell you what.

He can be co-manager, but I can't finally say so on all the decisions.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I can change.

I promise I can't.

You can count on me.

There's a belch, not an evil laugh.

You are a good man, Drew Carey.

You've just saved my son's life.

Can I buy you a beer?

Yeah, sure, why not.

Hey, you know, maybe after, uh, you can help

me get my refrigerator out of my basement.

This is an old family recipe to thank you for helping my adorable Nigel.

Oh, looks great.

Oh, I got lemon juice in my eyes.

It's okay, I know, but I look...

Yeah, I can't believe he thought Drew was such a jerk.

Yeah.

I mean, if he was so ruthless, then he never would have hired Mr.

Wick back, right?

Yeah, and then thinking you would jump Wick's mom.

We must have been nuts.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Hold still up and down in a minute.

Oh, it hurts my eyes!