Original subtitles

Oh, I do not like seeing animals dressed as people.

Some people think it's funny, not me.

I think it's degrading.

Leave me alone.

I know I look ridiculous.

It so happens we were doing something for your nephew's future.

We went to an interview at the Bradford Academy.

He's only a year old.

Well, you have to register early for the best schools.

Yeah, the Bradford Academy wants students that

come from high-quality, upstanding families.

Okay, what are you looking at?

The show's over.

Good heavens, Miss Jones.

You're hideous.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's see what you look like without glasses.

Oh, you look better.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Well, Mimi, remember, you're a Bradford mother now.

You can only hit the helm.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mr. Wick.

Yeah, we got the TV all set up.

Everybody gather around.

It's time for Mr. Wick to do his teleconference from Hawaii.

Yeah, go ahead and just start.

About five seconds.

Bye.

Greetings from sunny Hawaii.

Or as the dolphin I swam with this morning said...

Anyway,

times are tough for the Winfrey-Lauda family.

The economy's soft, sales are down, so everyone's got to tighten their belts.

Ah, my lobster's ready.

Thank you, Kukui.

I'm starting now.

We're instituting a 20% across-the-board pay cut for everyone below store manager.

What?

I know you're angry at me, but don't worry.

I'm about to get my punishment, too.

Kukui, I'd like you to smack me sharply on my bum.

That's much worse than a 20% pay cut.

Back to the grind stand, everyone.

This sucks.

No, we're never gonna get to send King Gus to a good school.

Goodbye, Harvard.

Hello, working for everybody that went to Harvard.

Public school isn't that bad.

I mean, we all went to public school.

Look at us.

Oh, my God.

Well, this is the last straw.

You think I'm working here for 15 years since I love this job?

Well, I do not.

I only worked here because it wasn't the worst paycheck in town.

Well, now it is.

I've had it.

You hear me?

I'm done.

I am through.

Good for you, little brother.

I've been telling you for years to quit this job.

I'm not quitting.

I'm complaining.

You can barely survive now.

How are you gonna make ends meet?

Maybe I should sell my coin collection.

Boy, I think this would be worth more than $9.35, wouldn't you?

I know we're the first people to answer the ad,

but what do you say you want to rent us the room?

Well, you know, you seem like a nice couple.

Welcome to my home.

You hear that, babe?

We got it!

What size mattress is that in our bedroom?

Is that a queen?

It is now.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks.

Cleveland Rocks.

Living in sin where the safety bit goes Cleveland Rocks.

Morning.

Hey, good morning, sleepyhead.

Breakfast is almost ready.

Well, you know, you've cooked something fantastic every morning of this week.

How old is that?

That's what I used to wax Mitch's back with.

No joking, and it's delicious.

I'm not joking.

And thank you.

Hey!

Hey, we got you a welcome to Drew's house present.

Oh.

Oh, hurry.

What's that?

It's what you brought us.

It's dead flowers that smell nice.

For eight bucks?

Still got the receipt.

Good morning, happy housemates.

Morning, Les.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Les, Mitch.

You guys are gay, right?

Yes.

Great.

Boy, we'd like to get you guys out in the park right now.

That's very flattering, but we're in our sixties.

That's a young man's game.

Actually, we built a house out there, and we could use some help decorating it.

We can't afford any professional help, but you guys are more professionals.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's a stereotype, okay?

I've been human resources for a lot of years.

Stereotyping is bad.

Puts people in a tiny little box.

Drew, you delicious man.

I could eat you with a spoon.

Then again, stereotype's got to start somewhere, right?

Actually, we do have a pretty good eye, and we'd

be happy to help because you're Drew's friend.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, it's our pleasure, Oswald.

Sorry, it's my first gay handshake.

Good job.

Thank you.

You better finish your breakfast, Drew Carey.

You're gonna be late for work.

So what if I'm late?

What are they gonna do, duck my pay another 20%?

Why don't you just find another job, tell Winford-Lauer to take a flying leap?

Hey, it's tough out there, all right?

If I could find another job, I would, believe me.

Hey, you know what?

Time to think of it, there's an opening at Drug Co.

How does Drew Carey professional monkey -cutioner sound?

Monkey killer, huh?

How come the last guy left?

Ape uprising.

They still control 5% of the building.

Hey, Drew, listen, we know how hard it is to get work in retail these days,

but we know the CEO of Gorman's Park Avenue.

Wow.

Well, that's a fancy place.

You know, sometimes I think this Sunday paper, go

to the men's room there, just make a day of it.

Hey, I don't mean to be pushy, but you think you can get me an interview with him?

Sure, we'd be happy to call him.

Hey, a face like that should not be killing monkeys.

Thanks, but, you know, don't get your hopes up.

This is kind of a long shot.

Ah, don't sell yourself short drew.

Let's get McCall right now.

To the bedroom.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Listen, Mitch wanted us to choose between these two tiles for our bathroom floor.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Let's see.

I'll never drink again.

Call 911.

I think the first one.

Okay.

I can't believe you guys went behind my back.

What can gay men bring to decorating a house that I can't?

Uh, a feminine touch.

Hey, buddy.

How'd the interview at Corman's go?

Great.

I'm the new vice president of operations.

Hey, that's brilliant.

You know what's really great about it?

Really super special.

Great.

I have a job I can't possibly do.

I'm way over my head.

I am totally screwed.

Hey, who am I kidding?

I'm not good after this.

I've been in wood for a lot of years.

It's all I know.

Drew, relax.

It's natural to be nervous.

Wow.

Smells good, though.

You smell like alpine forest.

A big, sweaty alpine forest.

Drew.

Drew, congratulations.

Michael Cole, he really liked you.

Congratulations, Drew.

I'm really proud of you.

Oh, what the hell?

Straight men sweat like mules.

Hey, listen.

Thanks, guys.

I don't think I could do this job.

I mean, I'm overseeing dozens of people.

I got a huge budget.

I just can't do it.

Drew, we've all had changes in our lives that we've been afraid of.

I lived a life for 20 years until I had the courage to come out and say,

Dad, I don't want to be a longshoreman.

I just want to walk on the beach and hold the hand of a longshoreman.

Thanks.

I appreciate the thought, but I'm just doing myself.

I can't do this job.

Drew.

Drew, everybody has a little voice in their head.

Put there by their parents, their teachers.

I call him Mr. Negativity.

Oh, I know him.

And that's the voice that says, You can't do it.

You're not good enough.

Hey, my parents never said anything bad about me.

The only voice they put in my head says, Oswald, you can do anything you want.

Oswald, the sky's the limit.

The older I get, the more I hate that friggin' voice.

I never really thought about it, but I do doubt myself sometimes.

I never knew where it came from.

Well, and now that you do, you know you have the option to turn it off.

Okay, you can tell it you're in control.

So, Drew, say, I'm in control.

I'm in control.

I didn't believe you, Drew.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm a loser, huh?

No.

See, that's the voice.

Now tell it to shut up.

Shut up.

I'm in control.

Good.

You believe it?

Yes.

Okay, then get out there and do it.

One problem.

Work doesn't start for 12 hours.

Well, we'll do it again in the morning.

Okay.

I have a question.

If you hear a big clock ticking louder and louder, is that the same as a voice?

Hey, don't give me those excuses, buddy.

I'm the new vice president of operations, all right?

And I want those reports on my desk at 5 o 'clock, or you're fired.

How's that?

Yeah, it sounds great.

Have you checked your pits yet?

I have to check my pits.

First thing in the morning, I'm like, oh, my God.

I have a fat woman in the south.

Wow.

Those are some pit stains, Carrie.

It's not pit stains.

It's power circles.

So did you get the notice about the changes downstairs?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This week's Sloppy Joe Week in the cafeteria.

Looks like I showed up at the right time.

Yes, we're all excited about the new meet, Carrie.

But I was talking about the budget cuts.

You have until Friday to lose $200,000 from the budget.

$200,000?

What are you, high?

Maybe it's lower.

Maybe it's right on the money.

I don't know.

Look, I understand if you're a little nervous, Carrie.

It is your first day here, but don't you worry.

We have all the confidence in the world in you.

Hey, nice guy.

Sounds like he took a chance on you, huh?

Big mistake.

What, you again?

Listen, I'm on to you.

I don't have to listen to you anymore.

I'm interested.

Fine.

You go ahead.

Pretend you're working.

I'll keep myself busy.

I got a little reading to do.

Oh, hey, look.

Some of your old report cards.

Let's see what these have to say.

Cries easily.

Seems thrown by the simplest tasks.

Only companion appears to be failure.

Would you shut up?

Where's Mr. Positivity?

Hey, look, I'm sorry.

Listen, you're just tired.

Take five minutes.

When you wake up, you'll feel like a million bucks.

I can't.

I have all this work to do.

Don't worry about it.

You got till Friday.

I am better under pressure.

Exactly.

Close your eyes.

Start to dream.

Maybe there you're a winner.

We finished decorating it this morning.

We couldn't wait for you to see it.

Ta-da!

Holy crap!

What do you think?

I think I like it.

I think I love it.

I love it, too.

I just wanted you to say it first.

We just want to thank you for letting us take a little

bit of ourselves and put them all over your walls.

That would have been prettier.

I wouldn't talk about pretty in that shirt.

Enjoy.

You guys can't really like this place.

Of course we do.

Gay guys did it.

That got great taste.

We didn't think we were going to like goat cheese or inside the actors' studio either

until the gays made us try it, huh?

Look, on the surface, this doesn't look like much, but when you really look at it,

it's great art.

Yes.

It is a bulletin board, you morons.

A bulletin board.

Well, as you can see, our main problem is the overlapping of departments.

So what I would propose is to move these guys over here, move this guy over here,

and you take the rest of his staff and you put it over here under this guy.

That way you don't have to hire any more holiday people, and then we save $150,000.

That's impressive, Drew.

You've really hit the ground running.

Thank you.

Now, what about the other $50,000?

It's the truth.

I haven't really gotten to that yet.

I'm back in the game!

But looking here, I can see maybe there's a

little more room for some more consolidation.

We can take this guy, move his staff, move over here.

We don't need him anymore.

And we have this guy's staff over here.

And we don't need him, totally.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's me.

As you can see, I proved that you don't need me around here.

That's a mistake, because looking at an idiot would fire herself.

That was rhetorical, jackass.

Surprise!

I got fired.

Told you he'd blow it.

Hey, those were our presents.

Drew, what happened?

Well, I presented a very persuasive argument that I was dead wood.

Drew, I'm sorry things didn't work out.

And this may not be the best time to tell you this, but we're moving out.

What?

Yes, my uncle died and left his lovely old Victorian house in Vermont.

We're going to decorate it ourselves and turn it into a B&B.

And you plan to make a living in this bed and

breakfast that you guys decorate yourselves?

Yes, we're spending all our money on it.

Well, we're all phasing ourselves out today, aren't we?

Well, I guess this is it.

Goodbye, you princes of the Midwest.

Good night, you kings of Ohio.

See you, butch.

And just like that, the house is straight again.

Great.

I lost my job and I lost my renters.

Don't worry, Drew.

If you lose your house, we have this large, weird, vibrating, shoe-like thing

we assume is a bed you can always sleep in.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing here?

I just came back from Hawaii and I heard you'd taken a job at Corman's.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, I'm not going to light you.

The store's a shambles since you left.

I need you to come back.

But I'm not going to beg.

Instead, I've written an offer on this piece of

paper, which I think will tempt you to come back.

All this says is, please come back.

No, no, it doesn't.

It says... back.

Well, that's very interesting because I just got tired from my job today.

Uh-huh.

So I held all the cards.

In that case, I'm through asking.

I'm now demanding.

Come back.

Please.

You know, I'm desperate.

I just lost my renters.

I have no money.

I have no other prospects for work.

Which makes what I'm about to say even crazier.

No.

What?

I think I can do better.

No, you can't.

None of us can.

Drew, it's tough out there.

You get a job off, you should take it.

I mean, it could be years before you're offered another job.

I don't think it's going to be years.

You know, I did a good job at Corman's.

I can do a good job somewhere else, but not Winford Louder.

I'm tired of settling.

I'm going to find a job that I love.

I'm going to love this job!

Oh, my God, the door's wide open.

We've been robbed.

Is there anything missing?

I don't know.

Did they break anything?

I can't tell.

You know what?

I think we just left the door open.

Hey, wait a minute.

This stuff wasn't here before.

Oh, my God, people are dumping their garbage in our house.

Does this look like a dump?

Does this look like a dump?

Wait a minute.

You know what?

This looks really good right here.

A little to the left.

Turn it.

I like it.