Original subtitles

Hey, Drew.

We know you're kind of feeling bad about the breakup of your two marriages.

Yeah, so we decided to do something to cheer you up.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm not really in the mood for pedicure right now.

This is better.

We've upgraded our regular friendship services to our new, very special,

very new, friendship platinum.

That's right.

It includes sincere hugs...

and appreciative laughter at your worst jokes.

You're talking about it.

I tell them good jokes.

Damn right you do.

Oh, man, is that tooth still bothering you?

You should really have that look back.

Hey, I know the straight dentist you can go to.

His gloves are cherry flavored, and his waiting room is filled with old used porn.

That's crazy.

I'm not going to a porno dentist.

I've got a coop up.

Hey, we're building a house.

We can't afford to waste money on teeth.

Hey, what's with all the college catalogs, Drew?

Well, now that I don't have Kate and Nicky anymore, I forgot to take some classes.

Yeah, I want to do something meaningful with my time instead of just wasting it.

Good evening, everybody.

I'm Professor Henderson.

Good evening, Professor Henderson.

All

this energy calling me Back where it...

It's such a crude attitude It's back where it belongs All the little chicks with the

crimson lips go bleep blend rocks Bleep blend rocks

Living in sin where the safety fits Bleep blend rocks

Hey, how about Mr. Wick?

You didn't get fired, did he?

Nah, the store's been sold again and the new owner's taken over Wick's office so

he's sticking him out here with everybody else.

Wick doesn't stand a chance.

Take a shank in the yard the first day.

I've got kisses from all my friends!

Please, do you think that's going to turn

everybody around after the way you treated them?

Who do you love?

Wick!

Wick!

Wick!

Wick!

Wick!

You big fat suckers!

No, no, look!

Big fat suckers!

I'm a big fat sucker!

Hey, let's check the internet and see what it says about our new owner.

Not interested, Gary?

No.

My work isn't my whole world anymore.

I don't want to end up some sad pathetic loser whose work is his whole life.

Isn't that right, Terry?

Yes, it is, daddy.

Okay, here's the scoop on the new boss.

Roger Newsom, self-made millionaire.

He's got a zoo in his backyard.

Oh, he likes to watch his employees huddle around a computer as they read about him

so he can make a dramatic entrance from behind a cubicle wall.

What the hell does that mean?

Hello, everybody!

Oh, yeah!

Wasn't that fun?

I love having fun at work.

Actually, I can have fun anywhere because I'm rich.

Mr. Newsom, welcome to Winford Louder.

I'm Nigel Wick.

Here's the keys to my office.

I'm European, so the pressure on the B-Day is set extremely high.

Actually, I would rather be out here with the workers, but if you really want to

lock yourself away in your ivory... You heard it!

The office is mine!

Happy B-Day to me!

Happy B-Day to me!

Happy B-Day dear Nigel!

Hi, Mr. Newsom.

I'm Drew Carey.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You sure you don't want your own private office?

No, no, no.

I'm comfortable right here in a cubicle.

It's where I spent the first 15 years of my career

as the assistant human resources director of Penny's.

Wow!

That's not just like my life.

Hey, did you ever eat a whole pie in a shed?

What boy didn't?

I wouldn't get too close to this one, sir.

Oh, look!

I've uncovered a very disturbing hobby.

Is this yours, Drew?

Yeah, it's just a hobby.

I mean, I always wanted to do something to make people

happy, so it was either ventriloquism or stripping.

What'd that tell you?

He's a loser.

Did she just call us losers?

I don't believe it.

You're into computers?

You like ventriloquism?

Wow, if you had cookie dough in your briefcase, I'd have to ask you to marry me.

That's great.

You know, I'm telling you, if there's anything you need

to get settled in here, you just let me know, okay?

You know, actually, Drew, every Halloween, I throw a

charity event to raise money for the Children's Hospital.

Now, this year, you don't got my hands full with this place.

So I would take it as a personal favor if you

would come up with some fundraising ideas for me.

Maybe we can have, uh, you know, a haunted house.

Ha ha ha!

Well, that's the lamest idea!

I love it.

I love it!

Oh, I love that!

And you are?

Oh, Mimi Bobette Carey.

I'm manager of the Winford Loud or Woman's Store.

Oh, good.

I want to talk to you.

Oh!

You know, that store is losing money.

And if you don't turn it around, I'm going to have to make some changes in management.

And on a personal note, could you leave some makeup for the store to sell?

You know, I like the way you think, Drew.

As a matter of fact, I would like to hear a lot more of your ideas.

So, have you thought about where we can get a house?

Me for you, mister?

No, for the haunted house!

I'll glue you back.

I'm looking for the International Council of Dental Hygiene.

I have a coupon?

Yes, this is it.

Please, come in, come in, come in.

Dr. Crich.

Oh.

Why are you on a boat?

Oh, well, um, I have a dental degree from Russia, but I don't have working papers in

America yet, so until I do, I have to practice in Canadian waters.

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm really going to go through with this?

Hey, this thing's killing me, all right?

Besides, don't judge a book by its cover, huh?

Did we run out of that restaurant when that rat had its babies in the salad bar?

Right.

We went and had one of the best meals of our lives, huh?

And we got a pet, huh?

All right, Doc, strap me in.

Okay.

It's time we set sail on Lake Erie.

Okay.

For a man very still.

For another can.

Can I open a beak?

Oh.

Let's see if it went down to mouth.

Don't worry.

We can take wisdom tooth through forehead.

We wait for calm.

Then... Stay!

Strange.

It meant through cheek into tongue.

You would be screaming really loud now for a not paralyzed voice box.

Okay.

Third time is charged.

Lake is a little choppy today.

Too dangerous to use needle.

I will vaporize tooth with homemade laser beam.

Is

there anything else to read while I wait?

Lass!

Lass!

I give you lass!

Thanks, Doc.

You will like laser beam.

It is very safe, plus makes pretty life.

Oh, no, that's all right.

It will be stiff walking for a couple of days.

All right.

Now this...

laser beam.

Very dangerous.

On the three, we both close ice.

Hey, guys.

How you doing?

Hey, great costume, Lewis.

Oh, it's not a costume.

The dentist screwed up so he won't be able to walk,

talk or see normally for the next couple of days.

Here's something to make you feel better.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Anyway, thanks for helping up with the house.

What are you gonna come as tonight, house?

I'm gonna come as a zombie, but Lewis can't make up his mind.

What do you think?

I think this would be, um...

Groucho Marx?

Or do you think he should come as...

Cher?

Uh,

hey, I have an idea, and you only have to use a costume.

Why don't you just come as Frankenstein?

True.

The place looks great.

Thanks.

You know, Mr. Newsom's the one we really have to impress.

He's gonna be here any minute.

What are you dressed as?

Uh, Florida tourist.

Hey, Kate.

Hi.

How you doing?

I wasn't gonna come to your party after the way you screwed me over.

But it is for charity, and I did think up the perfect costume.

Guess who I am?

Kate.

Kate O'Brien.

Yep.

Hey, hey.

She came to my party.

Yeah, they rented out the zombie costume they promised

me, so I yelled at them until they gave me this.

See?

It's the last mushroom they had.

I even tricked them into giving me a discount.

For once, I'm thinking with this.

Oh,

hey, good for you, Louis.

You decided to come as Frankenstein after all.

No, no, no.

This is Don Johnson from Miami Vice.

See the rolled up sleeves?

Oh, for crying out loud, Louis, you're Frankenstein.

Thanks a lot, Drew.

Now I have to go out into the night and find him.

Hey, Mr. Newsom.

Great costume.

Turtle, huh?

Scariest animal that carries his house on his back.

You know, I think it's almost impossible to kiss my ass through a show,

but by golly, I think you found a way.

No, no, seriously, Drew, I am so proud of you.

You have done a wonderful job here tonight.

As a matter of fact, you've done a great job in everything.

Tomorrow, I am telling the board to implement your health plan.

As a matter of fact, all of your plans.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

And you know what else I'm going to tell them?

I'm going to tell them that I want you to take over managing the store for Mr.

Bidet.

I mean, Mr. Wick.

That... that is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

Sorry, I got a little sad in my happy.

You know, we're going to be a great team running that store.

Now, I would like to see the rest of your haunted house.

Oh, you're going to love it.

I've got all kinds of surprises all over the place.

Come on, I'll show you.

Sir?

Sir?

Oh, my God, no.

Drew, we've got big problems.

Yeah, I know.

I'm beginning to think this isn't a mushroom costume.

Sir, I'm sorry.

I did everything we could for him.

There's a number at the corner.

They'll come pick up the body.

Thanks.

I can't believe he was such a nice guy.

If this were a scary movie, this would be the

part where he comes back alive and kills us all.

Let's get the hell out of here.

I cannot believe that you guys are afraid of a dead body.

Ah!

He's trying to kill me!

I can't believe it.

You know, he was the only owner that went for a lot

of overhead, who ever gave a damn about the place.

You know, it makes it worse.

Right before he died, he said he was going to promote me to manage the store.

Ah, that's some responsibility.

Fulfilling a final request.

Yeah.

That's why I don't let anybody dying tell me nothing.

I remember when my grandmother was on her deathbed, she whispered, Come here, honey.

I took three steps back and said, No way, nana.

No one's going to believe me anyway.

I mean, nobody heard him promote me.

They're going to think I've just made the whole thing up.

Too bad Mr. Newsom couldn't have hung on until that board meeting tomorrow.

Yeah.

Then he could have told everybody what he wanted himself.

Maybe.

He still cares.

Oh, no, guys, this is kind of creepy.

Oh, come on, Drew.

Remember your boss's last words?

Take care of the store for me.

Yeah, I guess.

Okay.

Let's

see, he did a really good job at drug-co.

He almost looks like he's still alive.

Yeah, definitely.

We may really get a tie if I took the carpool away.

Is your tongue still numb from the dentist?

Oh, no, the teeth.

See, the teeth don't look like the teeth.

No, the teeth's fine.

Good luck, Drew.

And remember, if you start off with a joke,

people forget you have a dead guy on your lap.

No, no, no lights!

It hurts his eyes.

Throw out the lights.

Throw out the lights.

Everybody sit at the end of the table.

He has a bad call.

He doesn't want anybody catching it.

Hello, Mr. Newsom.

Can I?

Well, nobody else is gonna say it, I will.

Why are you sitting on Carrie's lap?

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll...

I'm gonna do a lot of talking for Mr. Newsom today, because he has a terrible call.

Get to the lap.

Why is he sitting on your lap?

Well, he has the chills, and he's sitting on my lap to keep warm.

You know, in Amsterdam, this is quite common.

I agree.

Let's get down to business.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm gonna keep this short, because I can't talk very long.

No doubt, you're officially fired as manager at a loan store.

What?

Newsom, you're gonna pay for this.

Who could run that store as good as me?

I don't know.

How about a nookie?

You said monkey.

M's are hard to say when you have a call.

Thank you, Drew.

I now would like to talk about instituting a new health plan.

What did he say?

I don't know.

I thought he said toot, toot, toot.

I want a healthy clown.

Here, here.

Yeah, a healthy clown.

He said health plan.

He wants to do an employee health plan.

All the paperwork is right here.

I would now like to discuss the leadership of the store.

Ah, now, I heard that.

The leadership of the store.

Ah, good.

Ah, disconcerned you, Drew.

Me, sir?

Me, sir.

Me, sir.

Quit talking like a nookie.

Ah, I heard that time.

Bucky.

I will now drink a glass of water while Mr. Newsom speaks.

I wouldn't like a group card.

Oh,

my God, he's stone cold.

Wait, one more thing to say about Drew Carey.

I want him to deed a nookie.

Oh, no, no, no.

He's totally dead.

Quick, call an ambulance or something.

Get in.

You know where you went wrong?

You got too cocky.

Shut up.

Attention, everybody.

I've been demoted for manager of the woman's store.

I am now Mr. Wick's assistant again.

I could be angry, but I'm not, because I'm drunk.

No, you have the wrong extension.

Please let me transfer you to accounting.

Mimi,

I know you're drunk, but I hope you still remember this in the morning.

You lose, baby!

What are

you looking at, wood boy?

See how tough you are without a hand up your butt.

Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape.

Holy crap!

Ever see a wooden tongue?