Original subtitles

Hey, there she is.

That's a new waitress I was telling you about.

She's cute.

Cute.

She's an angel sent down from heaven like a pure and shining light.

God, I'd love to shove my tongue down her throat.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Louis.

This is Oswald.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

I'm not being too forward here, but I was wondering if

you'd like to go to dinner or maybe a movie on Saturday.

If things go well, perhaps carve you out of ice.

You're kind of cute.

I'd like to, but I work the night shift on weekends.

Hey, how about I fix dinner for you upstairs and you can join me on your break?

You live up there?

Why would you want to live above the bar?

Because they wouldn't let us live in the bar.

You know what the problem is?

We're two 40-year-old guys living together above a bar.

Women think it's creepy.

You know what?

Maybe they're right.

Oswald, old buddy.

It's time we grew up, moved on, and became men.

It's time we bought a house together.

Hey, I got a big problem.

I just got married to Kate.

You mean you just got married to Nicky?

No, it was the day before yesterday.

So you're saying you divorced Nicky and married Kate?

Yeah.

Except for the divorce part.

Did you marry to Nicky and Kate?

Oh, where she comes.

Kate doesn't know anything about us.

Don't say anything, okay?

True, she's our best friend.

We have to say something.

Look, there's all my chains.

Hey!

Oh, that's so great.

May you two have a long and happy life together.

Oh, that's so sweet, Oswald.

Well, yeah, it's big of me, ain't it?

I belong in a cage.

What have I done?

Drew, you're never going to get away with this.

What the hell were you thinking?

I've loved Kate my whole life.

She asked me to marry her.

What was I supposed to do?

Say no?

So what are you going to do?

Your house isn't that big.

Eventually, they're going to run into each other.

Well, Nicky's going to live in my place.

She doesn't want to live there because of the old person smell.

It's you, Drew.

One problem at a time, okay?

That might just work when you're with one of them.

You can tell the other when you're working out of town.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I just got to figure out who I was meant to be with,

and then I'll tell them both what a mess I made.

I'll do it in the morning.

I'll do it first thing tomorrow morning.

Good morning, Drew.

Good morning.

Drew, why are all sweaty?

Oh, I had a nightmare.

Vegetables were chasing me through a forest.

Why is there a leaf in your hair?

Kate, if I can't make up sweaty with a leaf in my hair without you giving me the

third degree, what kind of marriage are we going to have?

Well, honestly, it's okay.

I forget.

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland

Rocks, Cleveland Rocks Living in sin where the safety's been come Cleveland Rocks

Hi, Speedy.

Got your daisies.

Oh, Drew, I'm allergic to daisies.

I like roses.

Oh, yeah.

Must have bought these for my other wife.

Hey,

Drew, you know, I get so lonely when you only come home every other day.

I mean, you're so tired at night, you never want to...

Well, you know, how long do you think Mr. Wick's going

to keep you running between Cleveland and Toledo?

I don't know.

You know, there's some guys in Utah.

They have to cover five, six stores at a time.

Oh, there's the pot roast.

Can't wait.

You know, they can't cook in Toledo.

They just get by in their looks.

Hi.

I can't.

It's me in Toledo.

Why are you whispering?

Because I've been shouting from the rooftops

all day that I love you and I lost my voice.

I love my wife.

Drew, I love you, too.

Love you, too, sweetie.

Anyway, I got to go.

Okay, see you soon, honey.

And hey, bring me back a souvenir from Toledo.

Uh, you know, I can't.

They don't sell souvenirs in Toledo.

As soon as people leave there, they just want to forget all about it.

You know, I say we give up.

We've been to ten open houses and we haven't found anything in our price range.

Let's just look at this one more.

It says it's small, but for this price, who cares, huh?

Doesn't look that small from here.

Yeah.

I like how far back it is from the street.

Sit on down and take a look.

It wasn't far away.

It's just an itty-bitty house.

Well, let's check it out.

Maybe it's just tiny on the outside.

Hey, check it out.

What?

This is what we're gonna look like when we get old.

Cool.

Have a look around.

Who is this house built for, anyway?

Well, some people say it was built by a leprechaun.

Some by hobbits.

And others believe that it was a midget banker

that was transferred to Atlanta six months ago.

I don't believe in midgets.

What do you think?

Well, it's a big decision.

I wish we could get some sort of sign.

Well, what's that?

That's from the church down the street.

They ring every day at noon.

That's it.

That's our sign.

We don't need no freaking church bells waking us up.

Hey, pick.

I heard you got yourself a wife.

Yeah, yes.

I have a wife.

And if you're so smart, maybe you can tell me the name of my one wife.

Nicky?

Right.

You know, I saw the weirdest thing this morning on my way to the woman's store.

I thought I saw you jogging down the street in your pajamas.

That wasn't me.

That was the big, slow kid that lives next door.

He runs away when they try to brush his teeth.

Hmm.

That's one nervous piggy.

I wonder what he's trying to hide.

What's in the bag?

Oh, I bring you snow weights hard, my queen.

It's a surprise for Drew.

That looks like a wedding photo of you and Drew.

That's right.

Hold the pony, O'Brien!

Are you trying to tell me that you and Drew got married?

Mm-hmm.

Heh-heh.

Heh-heh-heh.

What's so funny?

Pig got married and I got the gift.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I've

heard a girl is testing luggage but never office chairs.

Uh-huh.

Gorillas, that's rich.

Oh, and I see someone's been trying to get into my desk.

I'll tell you what, Mimi, if you want to see

what's in there so badly, here, have a look.

I don't care.

You got nothing to hide.

Go ahead.

Well, you know, I can't stand not knowing what's in a locked drawer.

I just hope it isn't some nasty prank.

Because then I'd have to tell your wife what a rotten

thing you did and then I'd have to tell your other wife.

Freeze!

Don't turn the key.

Don't take your hand off the key.

For God's sakes, don't perspire.

Anything gets that wrong.

Some sort of party game?

Yes, yes.

And you can play.

Here.

Take this.

All right.

Grab these wires.

Oh, right here.

Now, when I say the word, I want you to cut the blue wire, okay?

All right.

Well, how do I know if I win?

If you lose, the Lord Jesus will tell you so.

Okay, on the count of three.

One.

Two.

So that's the red wire, right?

Blue!

Three.

Well, that's a big old bore!

Listen, before you go judging me, I happen to love Kate and Nicky.

You know, I hate to break it to you, but getting two women

halfway there is not the same as getting one all the way home.

You know, I ought to call O'Brien and give her a heads up.

Wait.

Look, this... it's none of your business, but

I'm not having sex with either one of them, okay?

Because it just wouldn't be right.

Oh, really?

Nothing.

No, nothing.

Trust me.

And it's not easy spending two weeks lying next to beautiful women you can't touch.

And... would you please stop the gentle rise and fall of your bosom?

Okay.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll keep you a little secret.

If you stop trying to get back at me for putting you in the loony bin...

Deal.

Okay, Eva.

From now on, no more nasty surprises.

Uh... have you been up to your car lately?

No.

Why?

If I'm not back in a half an hour, call Animal Control.

Okay.

So you think you're sick, little games, all right?

As long as you don't have sex with them, huh?

Well... We're gonna show you what you're missing.

Oh, hello.

Mimi Bobak, slutty undies account number 4681.

I want to order two of your sexiest outfits that no man can resist.

And sign them from your loving husband.

It's been Drew.

Damn.

Hold on.

Winford Louder, may I help you?

What?

Please hold.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you weren't decent.

I'll come all the way outside.

Oh, no.

You haven't seen indecent.

Drew, I'm so glad you sent me this.

I'm starting to think you weren't interested.

Oh, yeah.

I'm glad you like it.

You know when they make that really sexy?

The terry cloth robe my grandmother died in.

I'll go get it.

Drew, you've been avoiding me since the honeymoon.

But tonight, that's going to change.

Okay.

I think somebody's starting to get in the mood.

Hi, honey.

Where are you?

Toledo?

Holy Toledo, it's Kate.

I just got that negligee you sent.

You're a very, very naughty boy.

Yeah, agreed.

I'll be back.

You know, I have to admit, I was getting worried about you.

But now I can't wait for you to come home.

And you know what I think that we should do first?

To tell her you're doing chores for the wife.

She's really upset.

You know, between you and Toledo, I hardly see her at all anymore.

Well, well, I guess it must be hard.

I mean, her best friend suddenly getting married.

Lord knows, I try to soften the blow.

Oh, hang on.

I got another call.

Hello?

I just called to say, nighty-nighty.

I am going to kill you.

PBS pledge drive.

Drew, you know what?

Let's invite Kate to dinner tomorrow night.

No, no, no.

She cries all the time.

It's depressing.

No, come on.

She really needs to be with friends right now.

If you don't invite her, I will.

All right, right.

We'll all have dinner together.

What did you guys know I was here?

We heard you were having dinner tonight with Kate and Nicky.

We know this is one of your favorite places to come and think.

Yeah.

I haven't been here in a while.

I know the last time we found you out here, you'd had that dream about Tom Selleck.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I have an idea.

You could tell Nicky that Kate is insane and just thinks she's married to you.

Hey, you know what?

That just might work.

I could just tell Nicky that Kate flipped out when we got married.

Oh, my God.

Drew, are you really thinking of doing this?

What am I supposed to do?

If I tell the truth, the two of them that I love

most in the world are gonna hate me forever.

You know, we should come out here more often.

It's really one of my favorite places in town.

So quiet and peaceful.

Trees.

The best part is nobody knows it even exists.

Sure.

You could build a house out here and nobody would ever know.

Well, this is where you're supposed to tell

us it's a stupid idea and that we're idiots.

Nah, I got two wives.

I have nothing to say.

I still can't get over what you told me about Kate.

It is so sad.

Yeah, well, you know, it's true.

She just flipped out when we got married.

Oh, I believe it.

It can make you crazy being unmarried at her age.

Same age as you.

Yeah, but I'm married.

Hey, uh, speaking of which, tonight, don't say a word about you and me being

married, because the doctor said that you could just set her off.

And just go along with whatever crazy story she makes up about being my wife.

I don't know if I like the idea of another woman thinking she's your wife.

Oh, honey.

You're the one I'm coming home to every other night.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Hey.

How are you?

Nikki, I'm so glad we could finally get together with you.

Really?

Oh, oh, oh, you and Drew, of course.

Yes.

I'm very happy for you.

You make a lovely couple.

Thank you.

I'm so lucky.

Oh.

Listen, Drew told me how difficult your divorce has been.

I'm so glad we could let you stay here while you get on your feet again.

Me too.

That's right.

I'm a great guy, all right.

The letter word happens tonight.

Let's not forget that.

Hey, uh, who wants wine?

Drew, do you really think she should be having wine?

Why are you asking him?

Nothing.

It's just a mistake.

A stupid mistake.

Nobody has to die over it.

I'm gonna get the wine.

What's going on?

Why is she talking like that?

Uh, well, I didn't want to say anything, but she's on medication.

Oh.

Oh, she's so strung out now, she actually thinks that you and I are married.

We are.

That's right.

Uh...

Who wants wine?

You know, a gentleman should always taste it first.

Oh, I'm not quite sure.

I wasn't really paying attention.

Yeah, it's okay.

Go ahead and pour it.

Thank you so, Nicky.

How are you?

I am good.

How are you?

I'm fine.

I'm sure you are.

One day at a time.

I'll get the door.

Don't say anything.

I don't want to miss a word of the conversation.

Hey.

Hey, Drew.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we were just in the neighborhood.

We thought we'd drop by.

See how the dinner's going.

What's with the first aid kit?

Well, it's to sell your genitals back on.

Thanks, but things are going great.

It started out a little shaky, but now they actually think the other one's nuts.

So you did it.

Now, you sure you don't need us to stick around

just to make sure you don't do anything stupid?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, then, can we borrow your power tools to build a house in the park?

Is he really gonna do it?

Yeah, we read a bunch of stuff about squatters' rights.

Turns out if you improve and maintain a parcel of unused

land for at least ten years, you can legally claim ownership.

So you guys really went to the library and researched all this?

Well, yeah, we're there every Thursday for storytime anyway.

Well, may I help you with anything?

You could get ice for the water glass.

Uh-huh.

Drew and Nicky.

Well, thanks, Drew.

We'll grab tools from the garage.

Yeah, hey, good luck with the dinner.

Thanks.

I don't think I need it.

I think for one scot is gonna back up the

crap truck and bury some other poor bastard.

Drew, may I talk to you?

Come in, honey.

Are you sure this is where you lost your wallet?

I've looked everywhere else.

It has to be in this little house.

You see anything?

Wait.

I think I see something by that chair.

Get out of my house, you big-headed bastard!

Keep your asses straight to the end of the rainbow, I will.

The banker's back from Atlanta.

Run!