Original subtitles

They approve your proposal for the new woman's store.

It's a woman's store.

If anybody should manage it, it should be me.

You don't know anything about managing a store.

Even less about being a woman.

I'm sure you know how it was worth today.

Funniest thing happened, though.

You wouldn't believe it.

Uh, mannequins came to life.

I went insane.

We're up for some part-time jobs at Fred's Fireworks.

Fred's Fireworks?

Didn't that place blow up last month?

Yeah, and a lot of new jobs opened up.

I was throwing firecrackers at the birds.

What birds?

Oh, I think they were birds.

I couldn't see their faces, but I heard their voices.

I think they were up in the trees.

They were making fun of me.

I can't believe you guys shooting Roman candles

off at each other your first day of work.

Look at me.

I'm in a psych ward.

You're getting hauled out to the Ha Ha House as an unexpected treat.

No!

I don't see it!

Are you here?

Drew!

Drew?

This is so weird.

He hasn't shown up for work.

He didn't go to the Warsaw last night for the beer bust.

I mean, where could he be?

Wait a minute.

Warsaw?

Beer?

I know.

I want a beer.

You know, I know you're experimenting with different eyebrows.

But the pasta is just sad.

I had no choice.

The salmon brows are starting to smell.

Maybe aliens took Drew.

They do have quotas for him.

They're going to have quotas on abductions, just like motorcycle cops.

If they don't probe the requisite amount of

anuses, it's back to teaching high school drama.

What?

I'm worried about Drew.

It's not like him to disappear two days before the new store's going to open.

I mean, he's Mr. Responsible, who's president of the Responsibility Club.

Speedy, what's the matter?

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Who, boy?

Stick to yes or no questions.

This is very important.

Is Drew in a situation where we need to call a specific authority, i.e.

the FBI?

Or an international authority like Interpol?

Either he doesn't know anything or he's too scared to talk.

Look at this.

You blew up all the fireworks we were saving.

Drew's a dummy.

Drew's a dummy.

What the hell?

Give me your gun.

Fireworks and a parrot that wants a handgun.

What the hell went on here?

Something diabolical.

Diabolical, yet festive.

Alright, Lewis, you and Oz will go down to the

police station and see if they know anything.

I'll check the hospitals.

We'll meet back here in two hours.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why are you giving orders?

Fine.

What do you want to do, boss?

Alright.

First, we need someone to check out the police stations.

Oz wants my order.

Okay.

Keith, I've got something for you.

You check out all the hospitals, alright?

We'll meet back here in 120 minutes.

See that?

That's why he's the boss.

It's very good, Earl.

Just a couple more numbers.

We'll be done.

Maybe he's gonna pay for what you did to me.

I don't know if it's right for me to do this.

Well, I can't do it.

I'm in a straight deck.

I think I'm violent.

But every time I break the rules, they make me wear the electric hat.

You're breaking the rules, too, Earl.

I'm giving you my pudding.

I'm gonna save the pudding for after they put on the electric hat.

If I eat it before, I won't remember.

Let's do what you gotta do, Earl.

Now, just a couple more numbers.

Just press 9 now.

9.

No, no, that's 6.

It's very confusing.

Just a 9.

9.

Oh, thank you.

Now, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.

Yes!

He did it!

He did it!

Okay, now.

Now, remember when the English man answers

the phone, you put the phone to my head, okay?

Hello?

Any

of you up for all these years?

Daddy!

Daddy!

I'm a big store manager now.

Do you love me?

Daddy!

Can I have your pudding?

That dibble is scary.

Why didn't I make him store manager?

He knows the board are coming over to check out the new store.

Doggone it.

I said to Drew, now that you're a hot shop manager,

you don't need drugs to make you feel like a big man.

Listen, listen.

Well, he better get here soon.

The board want to know all the details about the big opening, and I don't know any.

Nobody tells me anything.

The caters are here at 7, 9 a.m., the doors open to the media, and 10 a.m.

kicks off the big fashion show.

Well, I may ask you to fill in as store manager.

What?

This is so out of the blue, Mr. Wick, so unorchestrated by me.

I'll consider that a verbal contract.

Get that for me, would you, Mimi?

If it's anyone but a man who likes a pudding, tell him I'm busy.

Not your Wick, fun foreigner.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's me old Mike Wick there, governor.

I'm sorry, but I don't know when he'll be back.

He's got the craziest hours.

It's nuts around here.

You know, nuts like when a guy hears birds

and tries to blow him up with firecrackers.

This could be gone.

Who is it, Mimi?

Oh, hippies from PBS trying to get a handout.

This is my only phone call, Mimi, please.

From the love of God, if you have an ounce of humanity in you, you'll...

I'm going to get you for this!

You decide your death warrant!

Hi, the police told us we might find our buddy here, Drew Carey.

You may know him as...

Yes!

Yes, we have him here.

Are you family?

Oh, hell no!

Are you crazy?

I got himself locked up in a nut house.

He's probably walking a piece of furniture now.

So can we see him?

The only people who get through that door are family members or patients.

How can we become patients?

You can voluntarily admit yourself, but not just anybody can be a patient.

You have to see a doctor first.

We have really good insurance.

Welcome to the Mary Todd Lincoln mental institution.

Is it just me or Tyler?

Most exciting game ever invented.

If you're having ham for Easter dinner, you can count me in.

Is it just me or... Hey, you're not Larry King, all right?

Larry King's on TV.

I'll give you on TV in here at the same time.

I taped that show earlier today.

All right, if you're Larry King, then what's Auntie Dickinson really like?

A dynamite lady.

Ten pounds of glass and a five-pound sack.

Hey, buddy.

Thank God you guys are here to get me out of this place.

Is it just me or does Ann Miller have a great set of games?

Oh, Larry King's in here too?

It's about time.

How'd you get in here?

Mimi set me up so she'd take over the store.

Now, listen, you have to get me a lawyer tonight.

Get me out of here by tomorrow.

Oh, we can't do that.

We checked ourselves in.

We're patients now.

Look at us, huh?

The three musketeers.

You're patients?

What the hell were you thinking?

Well, we wanted to see you and make sure you're all right.

And they wouldn't let us visit because we're not family, so it was either this or

wait until tomorrow for non-family visiting day.

Well, if you're patients here and you're locked in

here with me, then how are you gonna get me out?

Whoops.

Didn't think that one through.

Hey, Kate, should be boss.

Okay,

it's a song title, all right?

First word.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

I, uh, can't, can't.

I can't, I can't, I can't stop.

I can't stop myself from meeting upholstery.

Actually, it was I can't stop loving you, but according to psych ward rules,

Quentin and I win.

Hey, that's not fair.

Where were the psych ward rules when we were

playing Scrabble and my partner ate all the vowels?

Oh.

Drew, you smell awful.

Try to stink on the garbage truck, which would have been a lot easier if all

of you had learned to eat your macaroni and cheese.

Cheer up, buddy.

Look, I drew a picture of you.

You like it?

Yeah, that's pretty much me now.

Here, come here.

Okay.

Yeah, listen up, Musketeers.

Every time, you're right.

I'm gonna throw that water fountain through the window.

It's gonna be a lot easier if you help me out instead of sitting on your butts.

So, you're gonna throw that through the window, eh, Chief?

Just thinking about it.

You need to calm down.

How about a nice bath?

I don't want a bath.

How about a forced bath?

No.

Look, this was all my idea.

So, if you're gonna give anybody an angry bath, it should be me.

So, come on.

Soap me up, you big German man-woman.

I like the size of your shoes.

Come with me.

All right, but it better be a hard scrubbing.

I'm not fully sane till I'm zestfully sane.

Oh, I love this place!

How's Walt?

You have to help me get out of here.

I'm not like you and Lewis.

I wasn't meant to live like this.

I want to help you, buddy.

What can I do?

Smuggle me out in that.

The bald guy?

That's a great idea.

We'll kill him, scoop him out, and then put you inside

him, and then you walk out of here wearing him like a suit.

Oh, no, not the laundry cart.

Oh, thank God.

I didn't want to kill that guy.

He showed me a picture of his kids.

You know, if we get caught, there's no telling what they'll do to us.

Don't worry, buddy.

You do the same for me.

Yeah.

Thanks, Oswald.

You know, I'd kiss you, but don't take much to get these guys going.

Oswald, Lewis, are you here?

Damn it, you're supposed to meet here two hours ago.

Kerry, it's Sunday.

The storm happens tomorrow, and I have no idea where you are.

You're no good, lazy, irresponsible deserter.

I am going to railway time.

Call me when you get in.

Mr. Kerry, I was just calling to say that copy of Flesh Pedallers 3 is in.

If you love it, then there's all the things that were left unsaid in Flesh Pedallers 2.

You'll only hold it for a couple of days.

Kate, this is probably my last call.

I hope you're listening.

Louis Oswald and I are in the Mary Todd Lincoln mental institution.

Oh, my God.

I need you to bring us some clothes, rent a van,

and meet us by the south side wall at 6 a.m.

Oh, and could you stop by Doris' video world and pick up Flesh Pedallers 3?

They'll only hold it for a couple of days.

You know, Drew just wanted to be snuck out on a laundry cart.

He didn't say anything about a bomb.

Hey, we need a hole big enough to push a laundry cart through, all right?

Besides, Drew's probably only going to break

out of a mental institution once in his life.

Don't you want to make it special?

So, Smell, what's burning?

Diffused to the bomb that's going to blow you out of here.

No, no, no bomb.

I wanted a nice, white smuggling.

Drew, this is simpler.

Yeah, we stole all the ingredients from the gardener shed.

Don't they keep that stuff locked up?

Well, yeah, duh, it's a mental institution.

All right, even lock up the cotton balls.

That's why you lifted the janitor's keys.

This is the master key.

It opens every door in the place.

Why don't we just...

Use the key.

Oh, well, hindsight is always 20-20.

It cares.

It's picking me out of my store.

Yeah.

Hey, go get that.

Good shoving!

Remember your people skills?

Remember when we learned?

I can't let you go out there, Drew.

There's nothing out there.

It's just a lie.

There is no outside.

Don't make me squeeze you.

I'm a good squeezer.

That's all I know how to do.

There's Kate in the van.

Let's hurry.

My God!

Drive, drive, drive!

Wait, who are all these people?

Where's Drew?

He's back there.

Just go.

We haven't got time.

We blow up a building.

Yeah, he was right behind us.

I'm sure he's back there.

Drew, are you back there?

Drew, are you back there?

Stop that!

Stop that!

All right, I only want to hear from Drew.

And Drew.

And Drew.

And Drew.

And Drew.

And Drew.

Oswald, is he back there or not?

Yeah, I'm sure that third I'm Drew was him.

You've got to get him to Winford-Lauter.

Get on the freeway.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Mary Taught Lincoln Mental Institution.

I'm going to miss your angry baths.

Wait!

Wait, come back!

It's not my fault.

It's your fault.

What are you kidding?

You're the one that said Drew was in the back of the van.

Very good, Miss Murple.

You caught an idiot in a lie.

Bravo!

Bravo!

So, we have to do something.

Let's just tell Blake the truth.

No.

We can't do that.

Then he'll think Drew's crazy and he'll lose his new job.

Or maybe his old job, too.

So for now, let's just relax, enjoy some champagne,

and see what Milan has to offer this year.

And finally, we have Marta wearing a lovely, elegant, sophisticated...

Good God, I drink your bathwater.

Enchantingly fetching evening gown.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you all enjoy shopping at our new store.

And once again, a round of thanks for the woman who made it all possible,

Miss Mimi Burbank.

Gary!

Gary, how dare you waltz in here in some ludicrous, hospitable gown after leaving

me high and dry without so much as a phone call.

I'm not just your boss, you know.

I'm also your husband.

I worry.

Mimi?

Yes.

Without her, this would have been a complete disaster.

That's why I made her store manager.

Thank God for Mimi.

You made her the manager?

First she's my sister-in-law, now she's my boss.

She's in my office, she's in my life, she's in my beer company.

She's everywhere.

Oh, my God.

Read my lips.

You're through at the store, Gary.

You're finished.

You look weird, Drew.

Hey, buddy.

Let's say we go grab a beer.

I don't know, maybe some pants?

I hate you all, but I'm not sure which one is the real me.

So I'll just kill...

I'm afraid Mr. Carey is suffering from prolonged duress stress disorder.

Oh, that's horrible.

What's it mean?

My friend's blessed his hatred for this Mimi person.

It's caused him to lose contact with reality.

Oh, my God.

How long does he have?

He can't die from something like this.

Oh.

A little while, the drama.

He's gonna come out of it, though, right?

We'll do everything we can to help, but there's really no way of knowing.

Hey, Doc, it looks like he's trying to say something.

Doc, is that you?

Yes, it is, Drew.

I don't know what's real anymore.

You're real, Drew.

Look in here and say, I believe in me.

Hi, pig.

Hey.

You know what we haven't done in a long time?

Put bags over our head and drink beer.

That's a great idea.

I love bags on head night.