Original subtitles

Oh, see?

That's why you should wait until you get to the

stadium before you start chewing on tobacco.

That's not chewing on tobacco, what is that?

We didn't want to get addicted to nicotine, so we were chewing on the patch.

Well, look who's loitering in my office.

We're here to pick up Drew for the Indians Fantasy Baseball Day.

Yeah, we actually get to play with our childhood heroes.

Now that they're old, we're going to kick some decrepit Hall of Fame ass.

Well, it's your uniform, Karen.

Oh, I don't want to wear mine to work, but I'm showing my excitement in other ways.

Look, baseball socks.

Check this out.

My, you are excited.

No, it's a cup.

Not that I couldn't break glass in an emergency, if you know what I'm saying.

Well, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but

I'm afraid I can't give you the day off, as I promised.

I need you to enter all the personnel files for the last ten years into the computer.

Just great.

I don't get to go.

This is just like that time in high school when I had to walk

back from Kentucky, because it didn't sell enough magazines.

Well, it just won't be Fantasy Day without you, Drew.

Just be incredibly amazing.

Once in a lifetime.

Spend a day with your idol, day.

No, I don't even want to go.

Hey, Peg, I just came by to pick up my check for maternity leave.

Oh, yeah.

It's, uh, right there in the old right -hand drawer.

There's nothing in here.

Crap.

Rookie mistake.

Uh,

let me help you out.

You got a little face showing still.

Hey, what happened to you?

What in the world is going on here?

Just a second, honey.

Mama's got to take care of a little business.

Oh!

Peg, now you're finding something a woman might want.

Bacon and eggs.

You scared the baby with your gun, Mimi.

It's okay, King Gus.

I'm sorry.

We didn't mean to upset the baby.

You're doing more than upsetting him.

I read an article about how a baby who was raised in

a violent atmosphere grows up to be violent himself.

Oh, that's a load of crap.

Like my mother always said, a slap is just a hug that stings.

I'm sorry, but you two are going to have to find

some other way to deal with your aggressions.

Well, I don't wanna.

I don't fake.

I don't knit.

I blow him up.

Yeah, I don't go to plays.

I don't collect stamps.

I put itching powder in her toilet paper.

That was you?

Oh, thank God.

I thought Steve was cheating on me.

Well, if you both love this baby, you're going

to promise me there will be no more pranks.

All right, for the baby.

Yeah, I guess.

Better be on that on this day, hostilities have

ceased between Mimi Bobette Carey and Drew Carey.

In fact, let's put it right in.

Oh, did you look at that?

Hey, how'd you know we were gonna be making peace today?

I didn't.

This is my pen.

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson lips Go bleep and

rock, bleep and rock Living in sin with the safety pin Go bleep and rock Hey,

uh, so you guys seem to tell me how to go at the stadium.

Oh, fantastic.

All the old greats were there.

Bob Feller let me hold his teeth.

We'll make that mistake again.

Man, we had a great night.

Sizzler and a church production of Pippin.

I'm so glad we're not playing pranks on each other.

This is the first Friday night in years I haven't spent in the workshop.

Yeah, the other day I found a dead rat and

I thought, Hey, I can just throw this away.

I don't have to make it into a muffin.

There's so much love here.

The only thing missing are the words Oprah Winfrey presents.

Wow, that was weird.

You and Mimi having a civil conversation.

It's like when my mom slept with my dad, didn't need the money.

It's just not natural.

Guys, I want you to meet Eric.

Hey, Eric.

We were gonna come by earlier, but I wanted Eric to meet the real you,

so I thought I'd wait till you're all drunk.

Hi.

Let me guess.

Drew, Lewis, and Oswald.

He's smart, but he looks like a dumb model.

So you didn't tell me you were dating anybody.

Oh, it's just been a few dates.

Eric's a paramedic.

We met at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when he was giving us a demonstration on

how to inject adrenaline straight into someone's heart.

We all had to learn, because Keith Richards is coming next week.

Excuse me.

That's work.

I gotta take this.

Well, what do you think?

Good-looking jerk.

Dreamy-eyed bastard.

Knock it off.

Keith's seeing somebody I'm happy for.

That is so healthy.

I was worried since Eric is the first guy since you.

Sounds to me like somebody hasn't moved on.

You know, I just know that after a breakup, it's kind of tough when one

person gets into a relationship before the other person.

Allison, are you in a relationship with this guy?

Well, I hope to be.

See, I knew you'd be upset.

I'm not upset.

And for your information, our breakup wasn't that bad.

I just made it look harder on myself for your benefit.

Marilyn, does this look familiar to you?

I've

been up in love with for 30 years.

I'm gonna die at a mattress I bought for my parents.

I'm happy for you.

As a matter of fact, let's get some champagne.

Tony, let some champagne over here.

We're gonna celebrate.

Listen, Kate, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to go.

There was a fire on sorority row, and we have

to treat some of the girls for smoking elation.

Sorority girls?

Better frightened and homeless?

If you're going to sorority row, we know a shortcut.

If we do nothing more than cover one poor girl's exposed breast with our hands...

then by God, we can say we've done something noble.

No, thanks.

I don't need your help.

Uh, you know, at first I was kind of threatened

that your three best friends were men.

I feel better now.

Listen, you ever run an ambulance?

May I sit on your defibrillator?

You can, certainly.

Well, so, Drew, Kate's got a new boyfriend.

You seem to be taking this really well.

Why, shouldn't I?

Everybody deserves to be happy.

Why not Kate?

She deserves happiness.

If I couldn't give it to her, maybe Mr. Hero paramedic can.

Uh, hey, Drew, what are you putting in that bottle, man?

Oh, sorry.

This one really could hurt somebody.

Ah, stupid truce.

Ah,

it's just not the same, man.

You okay, man?

Yeah, I just haven't slept in the last few days.

Oh, may I venture a hypothesis?

You haven't slept in a few days, and a few days ago, you met Eric.

I think the answer is quite obvious.

He's a witch who put a spell on you.

I'm sorry, I'm being idiotic.

I meant warlock.

Don't be ridiculous, okay?

He's just jealous, all right?

Besides, if Eric was a warlock, he could do a lot better than Kate.

Traditionally, warlocks date anchor women.

I'm not jealous.

Drew, you're jealous.

It'd be better off if you'd just admit it, man.

Why's that?

Well, Kate's not gonna be joining us for lunch.

She'd rather be with Eric.

Oh, and why wouldn't she?

You know, she better hurry up.

She doesn't have much time, because those

good-looking guys, they don't age very well.

I mean, you look at your, like, Harrison Ford or Paul Newman or Sean Connery or.

..

Damn it, how come I can't think of one guy?

See, this is the face of jealousy, huh?

Notice the bulgy neck vein, the tight chin, the flared nostrils, huh?

I bet an ant couldn't crawl up his anus right now.

Care to make it interesting?

I'll get the ant.

All right.

Okay.

I just came by to say hi.

Oh, would you look at that.

Clumsy me.

How refreshing to be able to pick up a pencil and not have to worry about my

behind being vulnerable to a kick, jab, or maybe the

possible application of a humorous bumper sticker.

Good morning, Mimi.

You're waving a stick in front of a hungry dog.

It wants to be hurt.

What are we watching here?

I guess it's good that you're honoring the truce.

Well, I'm gonna go to the zoo...

to see my... relatives.

You're no fun if you're not even gonna play.

Wow.

For you being jealous and all, you're really showing some restraint there.

Can I tell if anyone does a microwave popcorn?

It's as much fun to make as it is to eat.

It was an accident.

You

think you'd be fired for hitting your boss?

He's not just my boss, Tiffany.

You know, he's still my husband.

The hell?

It is so great the way you hit the boss.

We think you are the coolest guy in the store.

Love the girls in lingerie.

P.S.

We still won't go out with you.

Uh-oh.

Here he comes.

I gotta get rid of these.

He's going back!

Quick!

I don't have a gun.

I was just popping balloons.

Oh, well, in that case, reach for the star's precious angel.

You can be anything you want to be.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wick.

I apologize.

There's no excuse for what I did.

Ordinalery, I'd fire you right now.

But then you'd divorce me and I'd get deported.

So here's my proposal.

I get to hit you just as you hit me.

I guess that's only fair.

Besides, I'm always ready to take a punch.

I'm an accordion player.

But here's where it gets yummy.

You'll never know where or when it's coming.

Is it now?

No.

Welcome to Pteratow.

Population... me.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I married

him and then he does something cute like that.

Hey, guys.

I'm glad I caught you.

Eric has something he wants to tell you.

Well...

He feels bad that I had to ditch lunch, so he

wants to invite you all for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Oh, no, no, no.

Eric insists he won't take no for an answer.

Yeah.

Guys who let their women do their talking for her are tough that way.

So, tomorrow night at 8 o'clock, Tuscano's.

And remember, it's my treat.

Got a good fellow there, Kate.

Don't let him get away like he did me.

Well, don't worry.

I'm not going anywhere without my little Katie Bug.

Hi, Miss Katie Bug.

Katie Bug.

Katie Bug and Eric, jackass.

I don't think this dinner is such a good idea.

How are you going to get through it?

I don't know.

You know, when I used to be able to take my frustrations out on me, I could get

through something like this, but now I don't know.

I'm screwed, man.

I lost my good, ugly thing.

So, I get the two kids out of the burning building, but I know if I don't go back in

for that bunny, there's no way I'm going to sleep that night.

We didn't sleep that night.

Hey, uh, listen here.

I'm going to order for dinner.

Rabbit.

Maybe you can run to the kitchen and save that one, too.

Maybe, Steve, over here.

What are they doing here?

Don't you remember?

Do you ask us to invite them?

I can't believe it.

My brother inviting my wife to dinner?

Ooh, I knew this truce would work out.

We're having peace for dinner, and I'm going back for seconds.

I just came because it makes the big guy so happy.

I scratch his back, and he scratches mine.

Oh, well, I won't continue because I don't know you very well.

I sure as hell eat my back.

Hey, what is that over there?

A nook?

I don't even know they made those anymore.

Come on, let's go stand it.

Are you crazy?

I don't want Mimi here.

What's gotten into your head?

Look, we're trying to help you get through dinner without

making a scene and ruining your friendship with Kate.

Now you've got Mimi here to take your anger out on.

And before you call us idiots, yes, we know there's a truce.

But there's ways of getting around it without Steve finding out.

Show him, Lewis.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I did see that.

Yeah, but Steve didn't.

Let's just order to get this damn magical dinner over with, shall we?

Later, please.

Good evening.

Would you like to hear about tonight's specials?

No, I think we're all just going to have the spaghetti, right?

Uh, Drew, I think we'd like to order for ourselves.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Well, have you cut it into long, skinny

noodles and formed the meat into balls, please?

So... Spaghetti, then?

Well, if you can't make that kind of lasagna, then yeah, fine, spaghetti.

So, Eric, I hear you're a paramedic.

It's really not that big of a deal.

Oh, please.

He's like a doctor.

A really ripped, pouty-lipped doctor.

Ow!

My eye!

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

That was an accident.

Oh, but that really stings, huh?

What did you think?

Well, Amy, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Citrus can be unpredictable.

You know, we've been talking so much about me, but Kate's job is pretty special, too.

I mean, today she was just telling me about some guy who did something.

You really listened.

I loved that.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Um, nothing.

So, that's the game you're playing, huh?

Ow!

What's wrong, Drew?

Oh, I think I got a charley horse.

Oh, that's really tough.

Very often when you have it in one leg, you have it in the other.

Ow!

You know, I used to get charley horses until I started stretching out in the morning.

You know what just happened here?

You don't have a nice dinner?

All of a sudden, I'm not flexible?

Drew, I think Eric was just trying to be helpful.

You know, you can help me.

You can shut up.

Drew, hit the clown.

I don't know what your problem is, buddy, but I don't like being told to shut up.

And I don't like telling people to shut up, and they don't.

Why don't you make me, you dumbass?

Don't talk to my friend like that.

Thank you, Kate.

Shut up!

Good.

Finally told that jerk to shut up.

Shut up!

He's not a jerk!

Wait a second.

I don't get it.

Whose side are you on?

I've known him all my life.

I'm not taking sides.

Well, I think he just did.

Uh, excuse me.

I think someone I told to shut up is still talking.

Listen, I'm out of here.

You coming, Kate?

I know.

Fine.

How about a big thank you for Drew?

Oh, just great.

Oh, my God.

This is awful.

The guy that was gonna pick up the check just left.

Uh,

what if I sit here?

Look, I know you're mad at everything, but seriously, don't waste beer.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you should be.

You know, Eric and I broke up because of tonight.

I got a confession to make.

I was jealous.

What?

You?

Jealous?

I don't believe it.

Listen to my voice.

This is sarcasm.

I've always been jealous of the guys you went out with.

And I guess with Eric, it was worse, because

he's the first guy you dated since we broke up.

Are you saying you want to get back together?

I don't know.

Do you want to get back together?

I don't know.

Well, I still want to have kids.

I still don't.

Look, just because we can't be together doesn't

mean I want to see you with somebody else.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just don't want you to be happy.

That is so sweet, because I don't want you to be happy either.

Well, what are we going to do?

I guess you're going to keep being jealous until the right guy comes along.

Well, I know when that is.

I don't know.

I'll give you a sign, like... Like this!

That hurt.

You know what?

Actually, it didn't really hurt at all.

It didn't.

You should digitally broke my fingers, you're going to...

Oh, I'll get it.

Uh, Drew, it's for you.

Oh, by the way, Steve found out what we were doing at the restaurant.

So, we're back on.