Original subtitles

I can't believe what bought you this.

I wish I had a gait life partner who'd buy me a satellite dish.

Yeah, but then you'd have to worry about the INS busting your fake marriage scam

and throwing you jail for the rest of your life.

Still, look how clear that picture is.

Man, I've been living with someone of the same sex for years and all I ever get is

breakfast and bed and the occasional foot massage.

Which I practically have to beg for.

That's just because I can't get the smell off my hands.

Enough.

Ah, that's disgusting.

Does anyone know what channel the game's on?

Oh, Kate, there's only 500 channels.

How hard could it be?

Date line, date line, date line.

Wings, wings, date line, wings, date line, date line, wings.

Hey, golden girls!

Well, if only there was some enchanted book that told you

all the images that were going to be on the magic screen.

Make room, make room.

The UK Interpub Dart Championship is on.

It's going to be quite a spectacle.

Cornwall and Pennington are going to have to hammer in tongue.

That's what the British put on TV.

They need handguns over there.

Actually, darts has twice the excitement of American basketball.

Cornwall cites the bullseye... measuring... measuring...

That's it.

We're not watching darts.

And, Bill, look at the teeth on those cheerleaders.

What are you doing here anyway?

It's not like the INS is going to come by and

spring a surprise visit on you on Sunday night.

Oh, no, no, no.

They usually call a couple of days in advance and say, We'll be round at three.

Get your fake gay marriage together.

Why don't you just go home?

No!

I have to clean out our basement.

Our basement?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing rearranging my basement?

Well, I'm turning it into an exercise room.

I'm going to put mirrors on all the walls so I can watch myself jazzercise.

If I don't know what wiggles, I don't know what to work on.

Look, you're not rearranging anything, okay?

You don't live here.

Fine.

I'll exercise here in the kitchen.

Look, I know we both have a lot to lose here, but

if the INS comes by, can I just cover for you?

I'll tell them my husband's out getting flavored coffee.

No, that wouldn't work.

These people detect fraud for a living.

I'm afraid you're stuck with me.

You know, I got to tell you, even though it did

get me my job back, I am so sorry I did this.

Well, too late.

We are married.

Would our vows just words to you?

See, look, you're my boss.

I don't want to fight, okay?

Just go down and exercise in the basement if you want to.

Thank you.

Great.

I just saved my fake gay marriage.

I guess life does begin at 40.

Hey, hey there.

It must be Mr. Dax.

I'm sorry I'm late.

My boss took my last pair of clean underwear.

I had to stay and do an extra load.

Yeah, let me explain.

See, my boss spent the night, so... Yeah, let me explain.

Because, see, we're married.

Ah, forget it.

You're hired.

Mr. Wick spent the night at your house, huh?

So you finally slapped a little English leather on your face.

Don't start with me.

He's spraying his ankle jazzersizing, so he couldn't drive home.

He spent the night soaking in my tub.

By the way, I'm sorry I smell like a little bit

like cologne, but I was afraid he'd take a shower.

Well, whatever he soaked him in, keep it up, and he's wearing a great mood.

What?

Instead of tearing you a new one, he's widening the one you have?

No, he's encouraging and supportive, and he

only took up one handicap spot this morning.

Carrot, what's all this about Mars from accounting,

wanting to take a week off for a honeymoon?

I think we can arrange to give her a little more than a week.

Oh, see, business as usual.

I'll start the termination papers right away, Mr. Wick.

No, no, no, I'm not talking about firing.

I'm talking about giving her more than a week.

I say we give her three weeks, with pay, and tell her she can go down to

lingerie and pick out the whorish undergarment of her choice.

See?

Wow.

I know people like to wear other people's

underwear, but mine's hitting him like a drug.

Attention, Winfred Louder employees.

As a thank you for all your hard work, let's have a little me time.

In your top drawer, you'll find a velvet eye pillow.

And now, let's all listen to the whales serenade each other.

That's kind of weird, Mr. Wick.

Shh.

Oh, my God, it's a cult.

Wake up, you fools, there's no spaceship behind the moon.

Joe, this is creeping me out.

Let's get out of here and explain it over lunch.

Hello.

Crap.

Now I gotta go back to work.

Sorry, I can't go to lunch with you.

I came in late and I have to catch up.

No, don't be silly, Drew.

Your friends went to all the trouble of coming downtown to see you.

That's very special.

They are.

They are special.

Well, we're all special.

Drew, is he wearing your underwear?

I don't blame you for being confused.

I'm surprising myself.

Why don't we all go out to lunch and celebrate the new me?

We can go to Le Chateau.

Oh, well, that's a fancy place.

When your food's ready, they call your number out in French.

Listen, no offense, but we did spend the last 24 hours together.

I need a little break.

Besides, my friends just came out just to see me.

My treat?

Can Drew come?

Well, it's not a deal breaker.

Look, if you want to go have a free lunch, fine with me.

I'll meet you at the Warsaw tonight to watch the fight.

Okay.

Well, if you realize, I'm not coming, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

Wait, guys.

Wait a second.

Drew, what are you gonna do for lunch?

Well, I guess I'll just get a baloney sandwich out of the vending machine.

I needed a loan to the men's room.

As long as you eat, sweetie.

One, four,

get out of here with you.

And don't come back now, boy.

Drew, what are you doing up?

Have any idea what time it is?

Here in London.

We were at a pub.

Well, does this pub have a phone?

Because the Warsaw does.

I know, because I was there from 8 o'clock until 11.30.

They also have a clock.

But, Drew, I called you.

That was me saying come down to the cork and whistle.

Oh, you may have misunderstood that message.

I knew it was you, but I didn't know you were holding my friends hostage.

Oh, Drew, you didn't hold a sausage.

We had a great time at the pub, picking up fries, your chips.

They call the loo the bathroom, and your case is not a cheap tramp.

She's a trawler.

It's true.

It makes me sound like I went into college for it.

You know, I expect this from them, but you should know better.

Uh-oh.

Dad's mad.

Dad's mad.

We better go into the drawing room and watch the telly telly.

You're not famous, you know.

You'd better not be watching darts in there.

Sorry, Drew, I didn't mean to upset you.

But you did.

I mean, you spend too much time over here, you

rearrange my house, and now you're stealing my friends.

Look, I'm really sorry, but it's over.

All right, I just want you out of my house and out of my life right now.

What, what if immigration come by?

The role of California building a fence.

Out!

Fine!

You don't have to tell me twice!

Well,

I feel better already.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I'm mad at you.

Hey, who's up for some good ol' Heineken, huh?

Imported to America for Americans.

Mr. Wick?

Oh, you're not still mad, are you?

Measuring... measuring... Out!

Hey, how come it's so cold in here?

Can't talk.

Must... keep... working... Man, I remember everybody was talking to Captain Kirk.

Work is good.

Work is good.

There is no I in company.

There is no I in company.

The hell is going on?

Hey, Marge, you're supposed to be on your three-week honeymoon, right?

I got called back.

I'm still a virgin.

I'm a 46-year-old virgin.

I'm gonna stay a virgin with an attitude like that.

Ha!

Gotcha.

How do you like the cameras, pig?

Mr. Wick kind of put on all our desks so he can keep an eye on our every move.

Of course he didn't put one on my desk, because my work's always perfect.

Yeah, that's why.

So, uh, Mr. Wick's responsible for all this?

Yeah, every bit of it.

They say why he was doing it?

Well, I'm guessing.

It's got something to do with you.

That's crazy.

He wouldn't get this mad about me throwing him out.

He'd have to be the most petty, vindictive, childish...

Check, check, check.

Yeah, I guess that's my fault.

Is it me, or is it hot in here?

I knew it.

Someone cranked up the thermostat to 40.

Mr. Wick, you know, you shouldn't take on all

the employees just because you're mad at me.

This isn't about you.

Tortured employees is like sending flowers.

It's best when there's just no occasion at all.

What are you doing this?

You are supposed to be a professional.

You made me do it.

Oh, so this is about me throwing you out of the house.

Yes, I hate you.

I hate you.

I stood over your bed with a knife for an hour last night.

You want to do it again tonight?

No.

You let me come over, or we're all going to sleep, and we're never waking up.

Well, see, now you're just not making any sense.

I mean, how come one dead guy hang out at another dead guy's house?

Well, let me come over, and I'll explain it to you.

No!

I want you and your stuff out of my house tonight.

What about the INS?

They already had one visit from them.

If they come again, I'll take my chances.

Fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.

You tell your friend Lewis to stop calling me.

I don't want to sneak into the dump and look for stuff.

That's how to be in the boxes for all your British crap.

In fact, why don't you take everything that's British, even if it's mine?

I don't even want my English muffins.

Fine.

Have it your way.

You'll miss the Sir Benny Hill collection.

He's not a sir.

He was never knighted.

Well, he should have been.

He was robbed.

The hell?

What are you guys doing here?

What the hell's going on?

Never watched the Cartoon Network drunk.

Hey, do you want to buy 400 Hong Kong phooey t-shirts?

You guys can't beat her right now.

I'm ringing a bad mood.

Mr. Wick's moving out.

That tickles.

See, you can always use bubbles.

Yeah, everyone loves a bubble.

I mean, you know, except those kids that got to live in them or they die.

Yeah?

You like bubbles?

You're gonna make me happier in beer.

What the... Hey!

We're out of cold beer.

Oh, we better mute you.

We thought that you had... I mean, we only came over because you understand.

He's still here.

You people have been kicked out of so many

countries, you'd think it'd be better at packing.

Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.

That can be arranged.

May I help you?

Mr. Carey or Mr. Wick.

Oh, well, we decided not to decide that till we had kids.

He's Mr. Carey.

I'm Mr. Wick.

And you would be?

Julie Hager, Ian asks.

Looks like somebody's moving out.

No, no, no.

We're just packing our wedding gifts.

Hard to mess.

Oh, like this Playboy magazine?

Easy to explain.

See, this is what I'm gonna look like after the operation.

I think you'll be a very pretty Asian woman.

Thank you.

Can we just sit down and get this over with?

Good idea.

We can start by looking at pictures of your wedding.

Sure.

You know, the other INS agent came by, so there'd be no more problems.

Oh, I know, but I have to verify everything.

Better one have to keep proving I was gay if I was muscular and neat.

We come in all shapes and sizes, you know.

Well, these look like the real thing.

But I have to warn you, I will be popping in for

random checks for, um, the rest of your lives.

The rest of our lives?

You know, the other INS agent said he wouldn't be coming by after a year.

Yeah, oh, you're right.

It is just a year.

No, no, no, he's not.

I heard the rules have changed.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You're right.

The rules have changed.

Uh-huh.

Hey, listen, you know, I always wondered, what does INS stand for anyway?

Um...

International.

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to give out that information.

She's a fake!

What's going on here, Wick?

Oh, no.

I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?

I mean, you know, if her impersonating a government

official, I don't want to lose my cosmetology license.

If you didn't lose it for the worst bikini wax I've ever had, I think you're safe!

All right, the show's over.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

Are you gonna report me?

I think having a waxes area is punishment enough.

What are you trying to pull?

What's going on?

Why are you trying to scare me like that with a phony INS agent?

I... I just didn't want to leave.

Why?

Why?

What can you possibly want from me?

Well... I've grown kind of accustomed to your ways.

I enjoy the smell of your French toast in the morning.

And in the evening.

And at 2 a.m.

You're like Denny's.

You serve breakfast any time.

Mr. Rick, are you falling in love with me?

No.

No.

No, I'm just lonely, that's all.

You don't understand.

I've lived alone my whole life.

Even when Mummy sent me off to boarding school, all the

other boys got together and got me an apartment off campus.

I'm sorry.

Kids can be cruel, huh?

Adults too.

Now get out.

Why?

Why can't I be your friend?

Huh?

Is it because I'm overbearing, obnoxious, lying, cheating, scoundrel, jackass?

Or...

Or is it because I'm your boss?

You really want me to answer that?

No.

Look, it's not you, it's me.

I mean, I'm just holding it back.

He could be better than this.

Besides, I'm really not in a good place right now.

Boy, you know, I never gave this speech before, but I sure do know all the words.

Well, fine.

I would have tired of you eventually.

You could never satisfy me conversationally.

Oh, really?

You know, all the times I laughed at your anecdotes, I was faking it.

I don't even know who you are anymore!

You're not the man I forced to marry me to defraud the INS!

Fine!

I'll never darken your door again!

Send my belongings!

Fine!

I will!

Fine!

Fine!

Fine!

Could you move your car?

You're blocking me in.

You know, I'm kind of sorry that Drew got rid of Mr. Wick.

I enjoyed learning English.

Yeah, once you've been a trollop, it's hard to go back to being a slut.

I'm sure you'll give it the old college try.

I'm gonna miss him picking up the check.

You know, it's funny.

I always thought it would be Kate who'd marry

some rich sugar daddy we'd all sponge off of.

How could I sponge off myself?

Right, angel drawers?

All right.

You're always hitting on me.

Fine.

Say something incredibly charming and romantic.

Win me over.

Forget it.

If I got a top angel drawers, you die alone.

Hello?

Yes, this is Kate O'Brien.

Oh, my God.

Drew's been in an accident.

They took him to the hospital.

God.