Original subtitles

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blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I

was just kissing Kate and thinking about her at

the same time, I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Oh!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I'm good for that.

Hey, pig boy.

Hey, clown face lady.

Shut up, pig boy.

You shut up, clown face lady.

Oh, my must I insult you.

And everyone knows I just want to make sweet, sweet love to you.

That's good.

Some funny stuff.

I'll tell you what.

I'll play you 20 years from now.

Okay.

What's that?

You using your toe to blow off your head with a shotgun.

What's going on here?

Well, we were just imitating you guys in sheep.

That's why I told you to never play with the clown face lady.

And you, I told you to leave my special little men alone.

Thanks, sir.

I feel awful.

Hey, I'm glad you guys showed up.

I'm dying to show this to somebody before I give it to Kate.

Ooh, a velvet cube, pretty.

Well, it's a nice engagement ring, Drew.

Yeah, what's it cost?

Well, it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, so...

$6,000.

Oh, you can't afford that.

You've only got $4,232 in your savings account.

You know, I had to take out a loan and make payments.

How'd you know that?

Oh, well, I like to hack around in the supercomputer.

He's down at drug code.

Last week, I made it illegal for fat people to vote in Alabama.

But bald people can vote twice.

I'm looking to start something.

You figured out how you're going to ask her yet?

Yeah.

Gonna start an argument with her, flip her off,

and we have the diamond ring on my middle finger.

Carrie, I need to see you in my office right away.

Are you going to yell at me?

No, Carrie.

If I was going to yell at you, my voice would be getting loud.

Louder and louder and louder.

See where I'm going with this, Carrie?

Get your arse into my office right away!

Do the girly walk.

The girly walk.

You must be really mad.

Can you guys turn your head for a second?

No, don't worry, Drew.

We don't want to see it anyway.

Carrie!

Well, it's like watching The Jungle Book.

Carrie, I just found out that someone screwed up in the monthly budget.

We have to cut $30,000 before the board meeting.

You have five minutes to fire someone.

Why don't you just fire the idiot who screwed up the budget?

Because I'm the idiot who screwed up the budget, and I'm not going to fire myself.

Especially when I own $10,000 to have a crumbian fetch.

I just can't help myself.

I love those pants that zip off into shorts.

Why don't you just fire somebody?

You're the one who likes firing people.

Well, the board won't let me, because I'm being sued.

Apparently, it's a no-no to threaten to fire a Native

American by pushing him out of a window and shouting Geronimo.

I thought they always landed on their feet.

That's cats, sir.

Well, they do have some sort of special powers, don't they?

They can have casinos.

Well, there you are.

There's nothing.

Get out there and fire someone.

You've got five minutes.

So, uh, anyone?

Yes, anyone.

Is it just me or are these things fantastic?

Yes.

Well, you know, that song gives me a hankering for a hot cup of joe.

But first, Mimi, there's been something I've been wanting

to say to you for a long time, and I finally get to say it.

You are so... Oh, my God.

I felt something kicking.

Cancel or Gretel.

No, it's your little niece or nephew, you idiot.

Oh, my God, there it is again.

Oh, you've got to feel this.

No, no, that's okay.

Come on, this is important to me.

This is the first time my baby's kicking, and I want to share this with family.

Well, lucky little guy gets to kick you from the inside.

Yeah, wait a few minutes.

Anderson, are you still coming in to work late because you're drinking problem?

No, I finally took your advice, went to AA, and turned my life around.

Damn.

Mr. Carey, I was wondering if I could have two weeks off.

Oh, you know what, Wilson?

I figured out a way to get born two weeks off.

Oh, that'd be great.

I just read about this poor little Appalachian boy who grew up chained to a radiator.

He really needs a kidney, and mine happens to be a perfect match.

As a Christian, I feel I have no choice.

Well, then you're fired.

What?

I'm kidding.

Go give the damn hillbilly your kidney.

Sir Carey, who would you fire?

What?

Jackson here, the war hero in the wheelchair.

Shame on you.

Good work.

He depresses me.

I didn't fire anybody, sir.

No one deserves it.

Oh, good Lord.

If you don't have the guts to do it, then I'm going to have everyone do it.

Everyone, gather round.

Come on.

I trust you're all familiar with the TV show

Survivor, where they vote each other off the island.

Well, today we're going to play the office version.

We're going to vote to fire someone right now.

But you can't vote for me.

I'm English.

I've already been voted off an island.

You can't toy with people's lives like this and just fire somebody at random.

Besides, this is all your fault.

If anybody should be fired, it should be you.

Really, Carey?

Well, why don't you sit down, put your feet up

in the desk, and put your hands behind your head.

Just relax.

Now, as I'm sure you know, on the TV show, they start with the physical challenges.

I want everyone else to do ten push-ups,

and with each one, say, thank you, Mr. Drew.

Come along.

Come on!

Thank you, Mr. Drew.

Thank you, Mr. Drew.

Mr. Wick, this is ridiculous.

One more word out of your pile.

Get in.

They'll do 20 push-ups.

This is silly.

You heard the man do 20.

Come on.

Carey says 40.

60.

I didn't say anything.

Fix it now.

80.

Okay, we get the message.

Fire Drew.

Fire Drew, yes.

Fire Drew.

I'm sorry, Carey.

The people have spoken.

You've been voted off the office.

Wait a second.

You didn't fire me just like this.

Well, I'm afraid I can.

Here's your pink slip, Carey.

I'm off to tell the board the budget is balanced.

I've been here for 15 years.

Doesn't that count for anything?

You'd think.

You bunch of traitors!

I hired half the people.

I'm the only one that cares about you here.

So you're fired, huh?

Somehow, I always thought this moment would be different.

I thought there might be a string that I could pull

and then I'd be confetti and balloons and fireworks.

But then I thought, nah, it should be a button.

Oh,

man, I'm so high up.

What the hell happened last night?

I don't know.

The last thing I remember is we came over to cheer up Drew after he got fired.

I can't remember Drew saying I got nothing.

I got nothing over and over again.

Oh, right.

When you said Drew or a dog, you'd put him out of his misery.

Oh, my God!

You killed Drew!

What?

No.

I couldn't do something like that.

Unless... the slurping sound he makes when he drinks coffee.

I wouldn't kill him for something like that.

Unless... he just wouldn't stop.

Slurping, slurping like a dog in a toilet.

You know what?

I'm glad I killed him.

Okay, guys.

Thank God you're alive.

For now.

So, what's with all the blood all over your shirt?

I don't know.

Unless... I killed Kate.

Why would you kill Kate?

Because she's in love with a guy who slurps coffee like a dog in a toilet.

You know what?

I feel like digging her up and killing her all over again.

It's cherry pie.

Why?

God.

You killed Kate and then ate cherry pie.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

Drew's listening to his self-help tapes again.

This is great.

I love this.

Hey, Drew, are you wearing women's underwear?

Yes, I am.

Are you a sissy boy who wears velvet?

Yes, I am.

Did you eat duty?

Yes, I am.

That didn't really work.

You know, this tape is great.

You know, who needs wood for louder?

To get fired isn't a setback, it's an opportunity.

I'm gonna go out there today, I'm gonna get my

dream job, and I'm gonna ask Kate to marry me.

Unless she's dead.

Hey, guys.

Aw.

This pie on your shirt thing is getting less and less interesting.

Yeah, you're just a drunk who can't eat pie.

Man, what we smashed last night.

Lewis, are you okay?

You know, you came after me with a knife.

Hey.

How you doing, T.

Great.

Let me tell you guys a story.

I just heard of this tape.

There was a guy who had a diamond line, and every day he'd go out there digging

for diamonds, but he wouldn't find anything.

He kept digging and digging, never finding anything.

Finally, one day, he just quit.

He gave up on his dream and sold the diamond line.

You know what they found?

He was only 20 feet away from discovering acres of diamonds.

Huh.

So it's a metaphor on never giving up on your dreams.

No, you moron.

It's a... Oh, what do you know?

He actually got one.

Hey!

Anyway, that story convinced me not to quit just because I got fired.

I'm gonna go out there today, and I'm gonna interview

and get the job I've always wanted my whole life.

You know what my dream job is?

Stud chimp at drug call.

That guy gets so much monkey butt, you wouldn't believe it.

Well, I'm gonna go interview for my dream job today.

It's a personnel director at Six Flags.

You get to fly all over the country to all the Six Flags, you get to eat cotton candy

and ride all the rides, and you get to meet Scooby-Doo.

Oh!

I'm so tired of catering.

You know, I just thought working at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would be cool.

You know what?

I think you can get that job at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

As a matter of fact, I'll drop you off there on the way to my interview.

Great.

Hey, uh... I was the one who forgot to ask what's your dream job.

Oh, that's easy.

I want to be Cindy Crawford's couch.

You know, if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.

Okay.

Mr. Carey, I have to say, your resume is impressive.

And no one has ever scored this high on their ethics test here at Six Flags.

Well, you know, ten years as a minister, some stuff just stays with you.

I think you're our man.

Really?

Yes.

Now, you'll be able to pick your own company card, your own assistant,

and I'd like you to circle which snacks you'd like on the corporate jet.

Mr. Carey, are you crying?

No, assistant.

Macadamia nuts.

I've only had one.

I was on a plane, and it rolled down from first class.

Well, before you get too excited, I should tell you, your office shares a

lobby with our sister company, the Ford Modeling Agency.

Yeah, sometimes you'll come back from lunch and

you'll find a supermodel on your couch taking a nap.

Yeah, sometimes they're pretty jet lagged when they fly in from Supermodel Island.

Supermodel Island?

I knew it!

The other one was a joke, Mr. Carey.

Not to me.

Not today.

Well, why don't you come in tomorrow and we'll discuss your six-figure salary.

Great.

See you tomorrow.

Thank you very much.

I just have to make one phone call to check your references.

It's just a formality, really.

I understand.

See you tomorrow.

Hello, I'm Mimi Bovec speaking.

Yes, hello.

I'm calling for a reference on Drew Carey.

Drew Carey's out of prison?

Can't get hired anywhere.

Every job I try to get today, Mimi gives me a bad recommendation.

I called her to get her to stop.

You know what she said?

She said, talk to my assistant.

Who's her assistant?

Her butt.

She ripped one into the phone.

Drew, cheer up.

Hey, if things go like I planned, you can always go to

Alabama and be a soldier of fortune in the Fatty Baldy War.

Nah, I don't want to move.

I might have to if I can't make the payments on this ring.

Oh, that's right.

The ring, you can't afford that now.

What are you gonna do?

I tried to return it, but the guy just laughed at me.

He wouldn't even let me in.

So you're not gonna ask Kate to marry you?

How can I?

When I can't even get a job.

All Kate needs to see is me drinking a beer every morning, watching Sesame Street.

Looking like a drunk guy in his underwear, singing about the letter E.

All right, go ahead.

Elegant elephants everywhere.

That's enough.

Enjoy eating eggs.

Drew, I got it.

I got the job at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Whoa, that's great.

Where do you get to do it?

Thanks.

I'm a celebrity liaison.

My whole job is to hang out with rock stars.

It's like hanging out with you guys, except glamorous and interesting.

How'd you two get the job at Six Flags?

No.

I mean, if you screw me on my references, I can't get a job anywhere.

You know what?

I'm making some money now.

I can carry for a while.

No, no.

I got to work.

I'd sling hash at my old high school if I had

to, but I know it's not gonna come to that.

I'm only 20 feet away from my dream job.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

Are you telling me that I can't have another fish stick?

Yes, I am.

Come on, poor eyes.

Give me another fish stick.

No, you dropped it.

That was your fish stick.

Perhaps next time you won't horse around with it.

I'll let him bother you.

He's just a loser.

Thank you.

Can I ask you something?

I have this bet with my girlfriends.

Your name's Drew, right?

Yeah.

Are you a boy or a girl?

Your name's, uh, Jennifer, right?

Mm-hmm.

You think you're so hot now, date the quarterback and everything?

Well, let me give you the 4-1-1.

Brad wasn't really skiing last weekend.

He was over at Stacy Limming's house.

Because you know that thing you won't do?

She so did it.

I hate these braces.

How's it going, lunch man?

Well, the pace sucks, but I made a cheerleader cry.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I thought I had lunch with my boyfriend and look around a little.

Let me tell you, Kate O'Brien has not been forgotten.

That picture of me with my legs in the air in the boys' room, still there.

Are you Drew?

Yeah.

I'm Brad.

I was juggling two of the finest hoochies in this school until you showed up.

You look familiar.

You know, there was a point in my life where I thought I'd be an astronaut.

Drew, it doesn't matter what you do, I love you and I always will.

Kate, will you marry me?

What?

This isn't really the way I wanted to do it, but I just can't wait anymore.

Kate?

Don't marry me for how much I love you today.

Marry me for how much I'm going to love you for the rest of your life.

You stole that from Dawson's Creek.

It was 30-something, you little bastard!

So what do you say, Kate?

Drew, it's beautiful.

Of course I'll marry you.

We are going to be so happy.

I'm going to give you the best of everything.

Here.

Put this under your shirt.

What is it?

Sex or sloppy joe mate, they search me when I leave the place.

Wow, this is going to be the greatest vacation ever.

Hi, I'm Jared.

You're welcome.

So, where's all the women?

What women?

I'm on male supermodel island.

You like me to rub a little lotion on your back?

Yeah, well, I do burn.

I'm on male supermodel island.