Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

You know, in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy Award.

Never.

Can't even get nominated.

Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing.

We thought this year would be different, but I

just looked at all the shows we did, and nope.

We don't have a chance in hell this year either.

So some of the guys around here thought if we did just one special episode,

something with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things,

that we'd have a chance.

And the Emmy people would notice it just once.

Just once in our stinkin' miserable lives.

But I said no.

We're not gonna have our actors hammin' it up just to win some stupid award.

Drew, this homeless woman's havin' a baby for your consideration.

Quick, get her to the couch.

We're gonna bring a life into this world.

Oh, I tried to go to the hospital, but they sent

me away, because I didn't have any insurance.

Don't worry, I'm a janitor.

I put stranger things out of tighter spaces.

Lewis, we're losin' her.

Dammit, it's a breach.

If I save the mother, I lose the baby.

And if I save the baby, I lose the mother.

I wasn't ready to play God today.

What was that for?

You're out acting me.

That's impossible!

You get to give her mouth to mouth.

It's killing sex for me, but it's coming.

Towel.

It's a girl.

A little baby homeless girl.

Sure she'll bring lots of toothless smiles to your friends back in the alley.

Oh, my God.

How am I gonna afford to raise a baby?

Now, give me all your money.

Hey, lady, don't do anything crazy.

Yeah, you don't wanna shoot anyone.

Except that would make a good dying scene.

Shoot me!

Shoot me first!

Shoot me!

Great.

Now we're going to an enemy for sound.

So, after they arrested the homeless woman, what did they do with the baby?

Oh, they named her Emmy.

So, I don't think we'll ever see her again.

Hey, guys.

How you doing?

Hey, Drew.

Oh, hi.

Is that a gun in your pocket?

You just happened to see me.

Oh, uh, it's a gun.

Listen, after yesterday, I'm not taking any chances.

Drew, I don't like the idea of you having guns in the house.

Hey, it's my constitutional order.

We're right to have a gun.

Besides, it's not hurting anybody.

It's not even loaded.

Here, look.

Now...

Now it's a killing machine.

Drew, all I know is that guns lead to terrible accidents.

Hey, we're all responsible adults here.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hi, mister.

We just moved in down the street.

We're curious latchkey kids who don't receive adequate supervision.

And we're on a scavenger hunt for sharp things.

And we're on a scavenger hunt for sharp things.

There's some knives in that drawer over there.

There's some knives in that drawer over there.

Can't give little kids knives to play with.

Am I the only one that cares about safety around here?

Who wants a beer?

Uh...

Hey, cool.

A toy gun.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

That's a real gun.

That's not a toy.

You kids aren't supposed to be playing with that.

I'm going to put it in this drawer here to make sure you don't mess with it.

Now, here, listen.

This is where I keep the toy gun.

Let's see how smart you kids are.

It's just a real gun, mister.

Uh...

Hey, you kids are too young to play with guns anyway.

Here, here's some pennies.

Why don't you go put them on the railroad track?

All right!

Hey, hey, don't run.

Oh, wow.

What's wrong?

Uh, it's another one of those headaches.

I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing serious.

After all, we've just recently fallen in love.

Hey, Drew.

Isn't it time for the game to start?

No, the game doesn't start till...

Hey, what about on my kitchen clock?

I'm going to hit the bathroom.

I don't even know what this is.

Why do I steal?

Don't start with me today, pig.

Not today.

Is that a shower curtain?

Yeah.

Where's your toilet seat hat or are you going casual today?

Leave me alone.

I had a fire in my apartment last night.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Is Steve okay?

Yeah, yeah.

But the stupid fireman wouldn't go back and it'd save my clothes.

It's horrible.

The smell of burning shag carpeting and beads and snakeskin and linoleum.

And that was just one dress.

Well, how'd the fire start?

Did your upper lady short out on the back 40?

No, I forgot to check the iron.

I should have checked.

I always checked.

I should have checked.

Hey, Mimi, you missed one.

Cut it out.

In high school, I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I guess I've been battling it all my life.

The trauma of the fire must have brought it all back.

Sorry, I didn't know that.

I always had to do things in threes.

That's how I got my reputation as a slut.

Well, gee, I'd hate to think another fire would start, just because you forgot to

spin around three times, flap your arms like a chicken and say, Drew's a god.

It doesn't work that way.

You can't just suggest something, and then I do it.

Oh, crap, you can't.

Drew's a god.

That wasn't his chicken-ease, I hoped it would be.

I don't have to take that.

I'm out of here.

Mr. Wick, another Triple Meat Lovers hold the sauce?

Where do you put it all?

I exercise and I have a high metabolism.

Excuse me.

Something's not right there.

He couldn't have an eating disorder.

That only happens to girls.

True.

I just went by the doctor's office to pick up

Kate, and they told me to rush her to the hospital.

Oh, no, is she okay?

I don't know, but we better get down there.

Mr. Wick!

Pizza delivery guy here for you.

Hold on a second, drop out.

I gotta answer this.

Oh, damn it, they always hang up.

Oh, crap.

Kate, honey, are you okay?

Oh, you know, doctors, they make such a fuss.

So what if my heart doesn't beat on its own anymore?

It'll take a lot more than that to keep Kate O'Brien down.

Oh, honey, even when you're sick, you're beautiful.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Carey?

Yeah.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Is there anything wrong, doctor?

No, I just need to go over some insurance matters.

She's dying.

What?

She has an extremely rare disease that atrophies the muscles of the heart.

I'm afraid it's fatal.

This is terrible.

Why?

Whoa!

Whoa!

This isn't about you, honey.

We're talking about something else.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing we can do now, except keep her comfortable.

Ah, who cares?

She's dying anyway.

Why did I just say something so cruel?

My shields are just a guard to keep people away.

Maybe I'm just afraid that they'll hate me just as much as I hate myself.

I am a toilet of sadness.

Oh, well.

At least I'm not a dying whore.

Oh, shields are back up.

I wish there was someone who could forgive me.

Well, Doc, is there anything you can do?

Is there a cure?

Well, I've always thought that an unschooled layman could bring a fresh

perspective to medical science and find a cure.

If it's anywhere, it'll be in here.

Good luck.

Kate, I don't know how.

We're gonna beat this thing.

I'm gonna find a cure.

There's only one problem.

I can't read.

Hey, Drew, did you hear from the Emmy people yet?

How are we doing?

I don't know.

Let's check.

Of course, I was against this whole Emmy snubbing episode.

If anyone gets nominated from this show, it should be the one person that had the

courage to say that they thought it was a bad idea.

And that person would be me.

Craig Ferguson, the actor who plays Nigel Wick.

I will never get an Emmy.

Your character's too cartoonish.

I can't believe Kate's dying.

Yeah.

It's a shame.

She would have made a nice crazy old bar fly.

Shut up!

She's not gonna die.

Somewhere in this medical book is the cure.

And I'm gonna find it.

Toe!

Toe!

It says toe!

It says to, you idiot.

It's the dedication.

It says to Mary.

My B-low, uh...

Withy.

Hey, don't do it for him.

Sure, we could read the book and find a cure for Kate,

but how's that gonna help Drew to learn to read, huh?

Yeah.

Keep your eyes on the prize here.

So, Drew, how'd you get so far with them being able to read?

Well, uh, you know how I volunteer for Big Brothers?

Mm-hmm.

While every weekend, instead of taking the kids hiking or

camping, bring them to my office and make them read my paperwork.

Maybe if you put half that energy into learning

how to read, you wouldn't be such an M-O-R-O-N.

That spells moron, you piece of crap.

I did it again.

I'm pushing people away.

Maybe I'm rejecting them before they can reject me.

I need to tear down the wall and show others the kindness they show me.

You okay, buddy?

I'll be okay when you're dead.

Man, what's up with Lewis?

How can we keep slashing out like that?

Maybe I've been ignoring him.

I've been so wrapped up in Kate dying and my own illiteracy.

Drew, this is Miami device.

I know where the phone is.

Hello?

No, what?

Kate's in a coma.

Buddy, we'll make it through this.

Come here.

Hey, buddy, have you seen my... You bastard.

No, no, wait.

I can explain.

My dad's in prison and I secretly want to get caught so I can be closer.

Yeah.

Oh, buddy, I didn't know you missed your dad that much.

I only hit you once.

Thanks.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We just thought we'd drop by and say our thoughts are with you.

Well, I'm off to see the psychiatrist about my obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I'm almost cured.

And I'd just like to say to everyone that I...

Well, I'm off to see the psychiatrist about my obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I'm almost cured.

As I was saying, I realized that I had an eating disorder.

Tricia and Mandy are part of my support group.

Top of the hour, last of the stall is the fattest of them all.

Mr. Kerry, she's slipping away.

I think we should begin.

All right.

Oswald?

Dearly, beloved.

We're gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

We're here for the organs.

Not yet.

Get out, true vultures.

But don't go far.

True Kerry, you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

And I don't know why I'm asking this, but...

Kate O'Brien, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Where am I?

Well, that she's awake, the honeymoon's not going to be quite as creepy.

Do you, Kate O'Brien, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I'm sorry.

She's gone.

No!

I'm alive!

Stop hitting me!

He brought her back.

Father, quick.

And now by the power vested in me, I... Oh.

Don't you die on me, dammit!

Oh, my God, it was beautiful.

The real meaning of life.

Shut up, Kate.

And now by the power vested in me by the

state of Ohio, I now pronounce it your... Oh.

Left, dammit!

How come you're crying?

I just lost the woman I love.

You know, if you think about it, you haven't really lost her if she's in your heart.

I can see her in the moon, the clouds and the stars.

Really, you can?

Yeah, but I want heavy painkillers.

Thanks a lot.

You really made me feel better.

Whoa, you're a big, giant bunny.

I think you better get back to your room, little girl.

You're tripping.

I miss you so much.

Drew?

Drew?

Drew?

Wake up.

Kate?

You're alive.

Of course.

I came to get you to go to lunch, but you were sleeping.

Then it was all a dream.

I dreamt we were getting married.

Oh, sure.

Do you want to marry me?

Are you dying?

No.

Then quit pressuring me.

Actually, sweetie, there's something that I want to tell you.

I'm gay.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

No, no, it's... it's so freeing to hear you say that.

I'm gay too.

Drew, we heard the announcement.

Yeah, we just wanted to tell everyone that we're gay too.

Well, it's not really news, but go ahead.

I'm tired of living a lie.

I'm gay too.

It's time for this Queen Mary to set sail.

All hands on deck, boys.

It's mutiny on the booty.

And the Emmy goes to... Stoned little dying girl from the Drew Carey Show.

All right, that's it.

How much money do you have on you?

I think I got about 20 bucks in here.

I got 10.

You got 20?

All right, that means I got about $80.

Where you going?

I'm gonna buy us some Golden Globes.

Well, the season's over.

I guess it's time to announce the winner of

the Dr. Pepper Drew Carey April Fools contest.

Now, since we're filming before we know who the actual winner

is, they'll just use special effects to add it in later.

Now, the technology is so good, you won't even be able to tell.

So, the $200,000 goes to...

This is an obsolete message.

That's right.

I said...

This is where we announced the winner of the

Drew Carey April Fools contest for the year 2000.

Bye.