Original subtitles

Okay, Mimi, send it over.

What's going on?

Mimi and I are learning how to send family pictures to everyone using e-mail.

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's our little zygote.

See, the fertility clinic used my sperm and fertilized Mimi's egg.

And then how Jurassic Park got started?

Well, right now, the little tyke is chilling in the freezer, but in two days,

someone's going to implant the zygote into Mimi.

And we have a winner for the worst job in America contest.

Look at the mama loves you, and when I'm ready, you're

gonna be inside me, and I'll be your home for nine months.

Try to grow your eyes last, little buddy.

Well, I gotta go to work.

Now, you take it easy, Mimi, because you've got an

operation coming up, and then, in nine months, you'll be...

What a lovely way to say how much you love me.

He's just happy because he got to make love to a paper cup instead of you.

At least my man doesn't have a sprained wiener that

makes him cry like a girl every time he gets excited.

Hey, it can happen to anybody.

It can happen to you.

Oh, my God.

The new store mannequins I ordered are beautiful.

Hello, darling.

Sir, on behalf of the entire building...

Why are my ladies all bundled up like this?

I didn't pay ten thousand dollars to hide their beautiful mock flesh.

Ten thousand dollars?

Sir, the store can't afford that.

How dare you question my authority in front of Kimberly and Ambrosia!

Just for that, I want to see both of them in a new outfit

outside of my office every twenty minutes right here.

Jeez, that's the saddest nooner I've ever seen.

Then it's not the saddest nooner you've ever been a part of.

Hey, look a little like Kate.

Kate is one of these things, too, except this one's kind of soaking to the touch.

Hey, it doesn't hurt.

I've got to try something.

I'm healed!

Hallelujah!

What are you looking at?

It doesn't hurt when it goes down, either.

What are you guys doing here?

Kate's on her way over.

Oh, we missed you at the Warsaw, so we came over for a beer.

Cool.

Where'd you get all the toys?

Oh, well, uh, ever since I talked to Kate, I've had this whole pent-up energy,

so I thought I'd clean out the basement.

Think I'd have any art sale.

It's just really, really important that I keep my hands busy.

Hey, our old walkie-talkies!

Remember when we put one of these under Drew's parents' bed?

Remember we heard Drew's dead?

Don't get fancy with me, Beulah.

Just take me home.

Hey, who's up for a game of Gnivkin out?

Actually, uh, you guys gotta go.

I paint you Kate.

She's, uh, on her way over.

So?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but, uh... Well, I got an erection at work today.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

I did too!

No kidding!

I remember I had delivered this package to this lady.

She comes to the door, she's just wearing a robe.

Breeze comes in, opens up the robe... Get to the point.

She had an erection.

What's the emergency?

I gotta get to this kids' party I'm catering.

Uh, hey!

Why don't you guys go outside and play with the lawn darts?

All right!

Hey, Drew, I had the damn government ban these anyway.

Yeah, what was that all about?

I don't know.

Hey!

Give me one of those!

Good news, honey.

I'm healed.

I'm okay down there.

That's so great!

We've waited so long!

Yeah, let's go upstairs and get those big shoes up in the air.

What do you say?

Sweet, I'm dying to be with you.

I don't want to rush anything.

Let's wait till tomorrow night and make it really special, okay?

We'll have the whole evening to ourselves.

We won't have to work the next day.

Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Okay.

Hey, uh, will you wear the big shoes?

Yes.

All right, if I could have your attention, please.

I'd like to welcome you all to the first meeting of the bin dump by Kate Club.

It's her loss!

I'm glad to finally meet you guys face to face.

You know, I don't think I could have gotten through my

breakup if I hadn't been able to chat with you guys online.

Thank God I stumbled on Jay's website.

Hey, if I can help just one guy with coldheartlessbitch.com, I've done my job.

So, anyone want to take the floor and trash Kate?

Yeah, you know, I was just thinking back to my

short but passionate relationship with Kate.

I love that thing she used to do during sex.

What was it again?

If you really slept with Kate, where's the mall below her waist?

Well, quite frankly, when I'm having sex with Kate, I'm not looking for medals.

I'm looking for that look of ecstasy on her face.

Now, what was it like again?

Somebody show me.

Come on.

Oh, fine, fine, fine.

You'll think you're better than me because you've

had sex with Kate and you've formed a little club.

I don't want you anyway.

You're riddled with moles.

What's going on?

Kate!

I thought you were at work.

It was a kid's party.

It ended at seven.

Jay, Randy, what are you guys doing here?

And who are you?

Oh, my God, you don't remember me?

Spring break, 1982?

You want a trip to Hawaii?

You came into my surf shop and I closed it for the whole day.

Wait.

Which shop?

I don't believe this.

You guys sit around and drink and say horrible things about me?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, isn't it?

I'm not that horrible.

You left me at the altar.

Okay, there's that.

You left me the night before my battalion shipped out for the Gulf War.

Well, welcome home.

Did I hurt all of you guys this much?

Yeah.

I had no idea.

I owe each of you an apology.

I am so sorry.

Well, all I really wanted was an apology.

So I guess I can get on with my life.

I just realized that none of my relationships have ended well.

You're telling me.

We would have let in the one-nighters, but we couldn't afford to rent a hall.

Does Drew know about this club?

No, not yet.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm sorry, Kate.

Hey, no one wants you and Drew to stay together more than me, but at some point

you have to admit, I mean, these guys were great and they were all in love with you.

You got to see that, you know, maybe the problem isn't us, it's...

Me?

That's what I was thinking.

Oh, God, if I hurt all of you guys this much, that means I can hurt Drew.

Oh, my God, tomorrow night.

What?

Tomorrow night's supposed to be our first night.

I can't... I can't do it.

I can't sleep with Drew.

Hi.

Welcome to Playboy's sexual secrets.

Tape number nine.

Sex for seniors.

Oh, crap.

Wrong tapes.

Get ready for some fun sex positions that won't break your hip.

I want her to watch.

Hey, Kate, it's me again.

Listen, I know it says to leave a short message, but I

just wanted to say I'm really looking forward to tonight.

It's going to be great.

Only an hour to go.

Love you.

Okay.

Hang it up now.

Bye.

Ooh.

Say you got a big date with O'Brien, huh?

Well, I hope you at least buy her dinner before you Clinton all over her dress.

Meany, there is nothing you can say to me that will upset me today.

Oh, yeah?

That sounds like a challenge.

Just a second.

I'll tell you what the real challenge is.

O'Brien trying to fake an orgasm during your ten-second love-a-thon.

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, God.

No.

What do I do?

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, buddy, I need a huge favor.

Oh, no.

Is everything okay?

I need a ride big time.

Sure thing.

Why don't you get your coat and I'll go warm up the screw-u-mobile.

True.

That was the fertility clinic calling.

The electricity's down and the freezer's out, and

my little zygote only has one hour to be implanted.

What, does the Lord have to strike you dead?

He doesn't want another one of you.

Someone's got to take me down there.

This is a real operation, so someone's got to bring me home.

What about Steve?

Steve's in Toledo till tomorrow.

Come on.

We're family now.

Please.

I want to have this baby.

All right.

I'll do it for Steve.

Wait for me one thing.

I don't care how much help that farmer needs.

I'm not going to hold your hind legs.

Slow down, pig.

No.

I'm taking you to the clinic, I'm dropping you

off, and that's it, to get you to a cab home.

There's no way I'm going to be late for cake tonight.

Besides, the last thing I need to see before my big

date is you on the business end of a turkey baster.

Okay.

I can't believe Steve's in Toledo.

Damn porcelain doll convention.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Well, it hasn't been so far.

We tried everything.

I had hormone shots.

I've been poked by doctors.

I had more people fiddling around down there than when I was a roadie for a fog hat.

I wish I was that dead cat in the middle of the road.

I don't think I could take the disappointment again.

Turn left here.

Looks like the clinic's to the right.

No, we ain't going.

It's hopeless.

If you're right, maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby.

Just take me home.

Me neither.

Don't be getting all human on me now.

Well, what if I can't have a baby?

Well, you never know unless you try.

How do you get a few years from now when you

realize you came this far and then you gave up?

I'm scared.

Well, don't be.

Look, I'm sure you're going to be a fierce, protective mother.

The most any child can ask for.

You really mean that?

Yeah.

Besides, you don't want your species dying out with you.

Turn this car around.

I'm having a baby.

Oh.

Play a pretty good fiddle, boy.

I give old Lewis's due.

Bet you fiddle a gold against your soul because I think I'm better than you.

Say nothing of this.

Hey, where's Kate?

I should not hear you.

Oh, good.

We're both running late.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I brought you over some cologne we're developing at Drug Co.

It'll make Kate crazy for you.

Oh, it smells great.

Oh, gee, thanks, Lewis.

Yeah, no problem.

I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.

What, 3 %?

Oh, well, 3% of the monkeys in the test group tried to eat their own genitals.

Any negative side effects?

Hello?

Drew, it's me.

Before you say anything, I have something to tell you.

I just need some time alone to think about things so I can't come over tonight,

and I'm really sorry.

Bye.

Kate, wait.

What's wrong?

Kate says she's not coming over.

I don't get it.

Well, what'd she say?

She said she needs time to think about us.

Oh.

I understand.

She just doesn't want to sleep with me.

Come on.

You don't know that.

Maybe she sprained her thing.

No, no.

She... She just doesn't love me.

Sorry, man.

I'm sure there's something I can do to cheer you up.

Hey, Drew.

There may not be love in this house tonight.

There may not be sex.

But by God, there is gonna be turkey in the straw.

Oh, Drew.

Drew.

Drew?

Drew?

Lewis, I told you I don't want to dance.

Go away.

Drew, it's me.

Kate, what are you doing here?

I couldn't sleep.

I was really scared about something, and I have to talk to you.

Don't be scared here.

Climb into bed.

I'll talk it out.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm so sorry I stood you up.

But I just found out there's an actual club of my ex-boyfriends.

I've hurt everybody that I've been in a relationship with.

Oh, Kate, they just weren't the right guys.

It's not your fault.

Yes, it was.

You didn't see their faces.

I really hurt them.

I don't want to hurt you.

I... I love you.

I'm willing to take that chance.

I love you too.

But I've been in love before, and I screwed it up.

I mean, how do I know it's gonna work this time?

How do we know this is the real thing?

We're in love.

Do I have to do spell it out for you?

L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I

see V is very, very extraordinary E is even more than F

is all that I can give to you Love is more than just a game for two Two in love can

make it Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made for me and you Ooh,

I see, V is very, very extraordinary.

E is even more than anyone that you are done can love.

If to you love is more than just a game for two, two.

Ooh, it all can make it take my heart.

Was made for me and you.

Drew, that was great.

Wasn't that great?

God, I'm hungry.

I've never spent two days in bed with anyone before.

Yeah.

Three times in 48 hours.

Sexual peak at 18, my ass.

This is the most perfect moment of my life.

Hey, pig!

Drew, come to the window.

What?

It worked.

Mimi's pregnant.

I gotta carry clingin' to my walls.

Congratulations.

Oh, too bad things didn't work out at the clinic.

Drew, she just said she was... Nope.

Didn't happen.

She's not having a carry, Charles.

Drew, she just said she's... Hey, I played along with your fantasy.

Play along with mine.

All right.

Drew left out one of his playboy tapes.

Let's be naughty.

Watch as Frank and Myra play doctor and patient.

Doctor and patient!

Do you have my test results?

Yes.

They indicate that you're a fox.

These are old people.

Well, yeah, see, they're gonna leave, and then the

young people are gonna come in and have sex, you see?

It makes it all legitimate, huh?

They're not leaving.