Original subtitles

So, do you have any retail experience?

Any office skills?

Nope.

Do you have a college degree?

Nope.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

Yep.

Hey, we have a yes.

You making fun of me?

No, no, I never get a guy who has emergency contact who lives on death row.

I gotta change that Friday at midnight, God rest his soul.

Hey, you wanna know what I did?

It was felony.

Well, it's kinda funny.

It's real funny if you hate cops.

More pig.

Pig?

Oh, no, no.

I'm not a cop.

Is this her nickname for me?

No, I see what she's talking about.

Let me hear you squeal like a pig.

Ah, no one else is dating.

Ah, a choir.

Good.

You're here.

Kerry, finish up the interview.

Let's get this man to work.

Ah, yes, sir.

But looking over his resume, you know he has some real potential.

I think he's a cop killer.

Well, we're not going to put it on his name tag.

Now hire him.

Hey, who said anything about name tag?

I don't work here.

I'm just here to play softball.

Softball?

What's he talking about?

Since only we had a softball team.

1989?

1989?

I was in good shape back then.

I could've played.

I was still running laps.

You know, at the mall.

With the old people while I ate my Cinnabons.

Well, you're officially hired.

I'll have your salary wired to an offshore

account so your victim's family can't touch it.

Hey, how come you didn't tell me about this?

I love softball.

Why would we not tell a near-sighted klutz who gets winded

picking up a pencil about an athletic endeavor we wish to win?

So you don't want me on the team?

Clearly.

We may not have quality merchandise, loyal customers or friendly service.

But come Saturday, my ragtag team of employees and

criminals kicks the butt of every other department store.

So you're hiring ringers?

That was Pete Rose selling shoes.

I'm not gonna let him play the house that Baby Ruth built.

She's on the team and I'm not?

You gotta be kidding.

She's really good.

She's our catcher.

Yeah, I protect home plate like a Mormon girl on prom night.

Mormon girls look like you.

They wouldn't need protection.

Now listen, I'm the assistant director of personnel.

I should be in charge of the softball team.

And it should be open to everybody in the store.

It's good for morale.

Wait a minute, Kay.

You do have a nice broad build.

Maybe you would make a good player.

Bend down like this.

Now twist all the way around like this and go screw

yourself because you're not getting on my team.

Yeah, I don't need this crap.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna start a real store team and let

all the employees play regardless of ability.

Oh, good lord, Gary.

I think you've stumbled on the recipe for suck.

Well, if you think the team's gonna be so bad, then

you wouldn't be afraid to play us this Saturday.

And whoever wins represents Winford Louder in the league.

You're on.

This'll be easier than the time we beat those anorexics from the modeling school.

I'd be so confident if I was you.

You know, just because somebody doesn't look athletic doesn't mean they can't play.

And you shouldn't take a little boy and shove him out into a... made a position

called deep, deep, bright field, which is really just the parking lot.

And you call.

You call when you take the team picture.

Well, I think somebody just had a breakthrough.

They should've called.

I really want to thank you for putting this team together.

I think it's really great that special people

like us could have a chance to shine at athletics.

Hey, Kate.

You know, the first base coach usually stands over by first base.

If someone on this team gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.

All right, man.

What's your pitch, buddy?

Drew, uh, is sure we can't shorten up the distance between these bases?

You know, mister, I think we need to shorten

up the distance between I can and I can't.

What?

Nah.

Unless it's over the fence, there's really no point.

I can't believe he hit my best pitch if I learned that from a monkey at drug code.

I ain't been throwing crap, but he was throwing strikes.

Hey, mister, why don't you guys just toss the ball

around a little bit, and then we'll shake some flies.

All right, Drew, you gotta face it.

Your team sucks.

There's no way you're gonna be wick on Saturday.

Drew, you do realize that you have an entire infield

whose quality of life depends on some sort of telephone.

Really?

Even the guy with the hunchback?

That's a girl.

Yeah.

Boy thing?

Is she seeing anyone?

Give me one night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine, huh?

Well, good luck, Drew.

I wish you could help you out.

Hey, why don't you guys play on Saturday?

We don't work at the store.

Well, you know, technically you do.

Your elves for Santa every Christmas.

Okay, we're in.

All right, but on one condition.

You get a new Santa.

The old one just keeps asking us if we'd like to be naughty.

You wanna come on Saturday and cheer us on?

Oh, no, my aunt died.

I gotta go to her funeral.

Oh, when I say got to, I mean, I barely know

her, but I'd rather be anywhere but here.

You know, if you really wanna win, why don't you ask your brother to play?

Steve's a better player than any of us.

I know, and he loves to rub my nose in it.

No, my idea is to get a team where everybody can play regardless of ability.

Sorry, I'm late, Coach.

I got a little bit of the margarita fever if you know what I'm talking about.

Helpy's home.

I think I pulled something female.

Hey, how's the first aid kit coming?

Well, I think we got everything we need for the big game.

Yeah, we got band-aids, asthma puffers, and antibiotics.

Oxygen, Benadryl, and a gynecological sling.

What's that?

Uh, it's pretty much a thong, an Ace Bandage, and a nicotine patch.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Steve.

Steve, thanks for coming over.

Yeah, you know, I got your message, and there's something I gotta tell you first.

God, I've wanted to tell you this for a while, but I just couldn't.

Bro, I played for the other team.

I knew it.

He's gay.

Not that other team.

I play for the other Winford-Lauter softball team.

If you think I'm gay, well, talk to the hand.

Oh, hello.

Wait a minute.

I thought you had to work at Winford -Lauter to play on the team.

Well, Mimi's on the team, and spouses are allowed to play, too.

I never told you, Drew, because then you try out, and that'd be awkward.

Oh, so I'm not good enough to play on your team?

Ding, ding, ding!

Well, you know, our teams are playing Saturday,

so maybe you can back up all that big talk.

Punk?

Pardon ne moi?

Would that be a challenge?

And yet straight.

I know what this is about.

You're still stuck on that family reunion softball game.

Shut up.

We were kids, and I was pitching, and I struck Drew

out and won the game, and he cried like a little baby.

Why don't you tell him what else you did?

He was so confident when I got up to bat.

He had his whole team leave the field.

My aunts, my uncles, my 12-year-old cousin with the big breasts.

Hey, I remember Jeff.

What's the big deal?

All you had to do was hit the ball.

You did a sight job on your own little brother.

You struck me out and made me cry in front of four generations of carries.

When the game was over, they gave out prizes.

They made me most girly, and there was a guy there with breasts.

Well, this Saturday, I'm gonna pay you back.

Well, if you're so confident, why don't you back that up with a little wager?

All right.

If I win, you gotta eat all the crap you made me eat when we were kids.

Worms, dirt, dog food, pop rocks washed down with warm soda.

I cried and I prayed for two weeks, and I blew out the seat of my pants.

Tough skin's my ass.

All right, I'll take that bet.

But when you lose, you've gotta run around the

bases wearing nothing but a diaper and a bonnet.

What?

Hey, I gotta eat bugs.

What's the matter?

Afraid you're gonna lose.

All right, you are.

Hey, wouldn't it be more humiliating for Drew if we all had to wear diapers?

Even his close buddies crawling around like a bunch of hairy babies?

Continue.

Well, I'm gonna be wearing a diaper.

You know why?

Because I'm gonna be hitting them out in the park.

Well, who knows?

You may get a hit before then.

What are you talking about?

Ow!

Whoa, what's the matter?

Is the baby gonna cry?

Wait, here, I'm gonna stretch it into a double.

What's the matter, baby gonna cry?

Here comes the triple.

Ow!

Hey, hey, guys.

How was softball practice?

Well, Big Frank had a heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Oh, he's okay now.

He was technically dead for two minutes.

Good thing he travels with his own defibrillator.

Boy, was he ever mad when we brought him back.

He said heaven was under big golden arches and Jesus looked like Colonel Sanders.

And God was the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Okay, we have a question for you.

Yeah?

Would you say that you had regular skin or sensitive skin?

And would you prefer bunny ears or doggy ears?

Look what I've got for you, you big sissy.

Two pink booties.

I stayed up all night crocheting them.

Well, it gives me something to do with my hands while I'm watching porn.

If you have to wear a diaper, then I will too.

All day long, if I have to.

We'll be like a couple of bad babies together.

Well, if I gotta wear a diaper, I might as well be drunk.

I pound a lot of these and get diaper for getting drunk.

Too bad you didn't make it a drinking contest.

You would've won that.

You should've challenged him to beer ball.

You know, that's a good idea.

Drinking's the one thing I do better than Steve.

Hey, Steve, what good idea to spice up our bet?

Well, bring on the pep.

I say we make the game a game of beer ball.

You know, where you chug a beer at every base.

Oh, that is so cute.

You thought and you thought and you finally came up with

something that you hope will level the playing field.

All right, bro, you're on.

Wait a minute.

I'm the coach of this team and I don't want my players,

especially the females, getting all hot, sweaty and drunk.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I do.

I'm off to rent a van with tinted windows.

Come on, Steve, stroke it.

Smack that ball on the sweet spot.

Slam that horse-eyed toe.

Hey, now go off the bedroom talk.

I'm not playing.

Just pitch.

Runs behind.

I hope you're wearing sunscreen when you're running the bases.

I'd hate to see you get a diaper line.

I love this game.

I get to kick your ass and have a frosty beverage at every base.

That's right.

Drink up, my pretty.

Puppies will make you sleepy.

Puppies.

Oh, come on.

If you wake up the San Diego chicken, you got to let it dance.

We only need one more hour.

Pull yourselves together.

You can hardly stand up.

You're vomiting on the field.

You're peeing on yourselves.

God, I'm just drinking.

Come on, Steve, strike him up quick.

I'm staring at ten pounds of ugly in a five-pound sack.

Look, I think the sack has a bobcat in it.

Well, Kelly, it's all up to you now.

All you need is a grand slam to win the game.

And before you get excited, I'm not talking about the Denny's breakfast you

see jumping over fences in your dreams every night.

Well, Drew, here we are again.

But I want you to know that even after I strike you out, we'll still be brothers,

and I love you very much.

Now, here comes the pain, you little bitch.

Friggin'!

Whoa!

Aah!

Aah!

You knew I was going this way.

Oh, for the tear train!

Who's a baby?

Who's a baby?

Drew!

Drew!

Just like I didn't get over with.

You always win.

Uh, I wish you had a little brother that you could torment.

No, no.

I wouldn't torment him.

Because I know what it's like, losing someone's

shadow who's better at everything than you are.

You think I'm better at everything?

Everything except giving hugs.

Oh.

Dammit, little brother, I can learn.

You know, I'm not trying to wildshot on a bat,

but I don't remember making you eat dog food.

Shut up.

It makes its own gravy.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth, and this is what makes you sick?

I can't believe I made you do this.

Well, maybe it's too late, but I'm really sorry, bro.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Now, shut up and chew.

What are you guys doing in the uniforms?

We're having a team picture taken.

Yeah, where were you?

Nobody call.

Yeah, we got you, dude.

We're just fooling with you.

Go upstairs and put on your uniform.

We're here to pick you up for the picture.

Just, uh, let me run a quick iron.

I better call everybody back for another damn picture.