Original subtitles

Mimi, is everything ready for the white sale?

Yep.

Did you notify all the department heads about all the sale prices?

Yep.

Have you ever run into the Kentucky Derby?

Yep.

You're not even listening to me!

The sale could make or break my career!

Calm down, Priscilla.

All you gotta do is open up the store, act like a manager, and take all the credit.

Hey, I put a lot of work into this thing.

I was up at five in the morning dealing with all the buyers.

What am I doing?

I'm the boss now.

Shut up or you're fired.

I'm sorry, Mimi.

I was kind of harsh.

Yeah, it was very harsh.

Hey, shut up, Mimi!

Shut up!

Hello, Mimi.

Hello, Drew.

No, no, no.

Kiss me, or if you kissed Mimi, that's how Ebola got started.

I found something in here that I think is gonna help you get pregnant.

A little blindfold for your penis.

It's a catalog for couples, see?

Vibrating panties.

And look, they even have remote control.

Yeah, I should get these.

The doctor said if I had more orgasms, it would increase my ovulation,

then I'd have a better chance of getting pregnant.

Well, that's one smart veterinarian he got there.

Every minute we stand here talking is one less minute for me to vibrate.

Go.

Buy me those panties.

Go!

How would you like a larger... Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fall for that again.

One night in the ER was funny.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing here?

I'm finished my retraining in Toledo, and I'm starting again in the mail room.

The new Mr. Wick is standing before you now, just a humble man.

I'm naked, asking they begging for your forgiveness.

V-5-4, fine, I smell a load of crap.

Sorry, I suppose I deserved that.

Look, everybody deserves a second chance.

Welcome back.

Thank you, Mr. Carey.

Your kindness is an inspiration.

I'll get right back to work.

I just need you to sign for this parcel.

Oh, sure thing.

Wait a minute.

There's another piece of paper under here.

Look at this.

You got you to okay a phony ad for your white sale.

This was gonna run in all the papers.

Come on down to Drew Carey's white folks -only sale.

He's trying to trick you out of your job.

Do you think I'd forget how coldly you dispatched me?

When I was suffering through my retraining, I made myself this vow.

I, Nigel Wick, swear by all that is holy, I will

avenge my fire in my ruined Drew Carey's career.

See, ask for details.

Curious?

I'm not really a detail man.

I'm more of a big picture guy.

Listen, I know how hard it is to start over, so I'm gonna let this one go.

I don't need your charity.

I will not rest until I am once again store manager.

Here is your people magazine.

See?

You always think I'm the bad guy out to get you.

This time I saved your butt, didn't I?

I don't think you're a bad guy, Mimi.

I just think you're a horrible woman.

Carey, wanna make sure everything was set for the sale tomorrow?

I'm coming in late, so you don't have to open the store.

I'll be there bright and early, sir.

Okay.

Is that the ad for the white sale?

Let me see it.

No, it's not ready yet.

Let me see what you got so far.

No, it's not ready.

Carey, let me see what's in your hand now.

Okay, I guess there's no reason to be ashamed.

It's a copy of some boudoir pictures I had taken to myself for Kate.

I'm in a thong.

I have a hunch that you're covering, but I can't take that chance.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Now, listen.

When I get home tonight, I expect to see all the garbage

shipped over in a dead squirrel on the front porch.

Can I, uh, help you?

You do, Carey?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I can't reveal my employer, ma'am.

How come you can call me ma'am?

I was instructed to.

It amplifies the humiliation.

Ma'am?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Carey, we had hundreds of people trying to get into the store this morning.

Where in the hell were you?

A cowboy last-sewed me in a hard time in my backyard.

Carey, sometimes we want something to happen so badly, we actually think that it did.

Look, I have the rope to prove it.

Sometimes we want something so bad, we actually go out and buy the props.

I think Wick hired the cowboy to make me late for the sale and to make me look bad.

Would you quit trying to weasel out of this?

Today was the first time in 100 years that the store didn't open up in time.

Thanks to you, we lost customers and we lost sales.

I'm sure the new manager won't make the same mistake.

What?

Carey, I have to demote you back to your old job.

I have no choice.

Give me a chance.

I'm bringing the cowboy.

He'll confess.

It's the Code of the West.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I have to answer to the board of directors and they're gonna want a new manager.

When you're not gonna have to look far, I'm ready to start right now.

You ain't got kidding me.

Hey, I opened the store this morning.

I know everything about this job.

When Wick was here, I practically ran the place.

But you're a secretary.

Hey, I know everything about this store.

If you don't believe me, why don't you just give me a test?

Alright, I'm okay.

Play along with your little game.

Say we have a group of teamsters down on the loading docks, ready to strike.

What do you do?

Well, teamsters want respect, so I'd agree to their raise, and then I'd make them pay

for it by rolling their medical benefits back.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Sir, if you come to my office, I can show you actual vote birds.

Hey, if you just give me a chance, sir, I guarantee that you won't be disappointed.

Alright, I'll give you one day while I find the replacement.

Okay, and if I do a good job, I get to be the store manager.

Yeah, and if you screw up, you don't get the job,

and you can't wear that makeup to work ever again.

Right?

I know I can do it.

Let's make it official.

Sir, this is a big mistake.

Listen, I know the cowboy damaged my credibility, but I've seen her bite people.

Gary, give her the keys to the office and to the company, Jack.

But...

Alright.

But I am keeping my I'm a winner keychain.

I had a feeling something like this might happen.

Here's your craft.

Ma'am.

Excuse me.

There's no way you're gonna make a whole day running the store.

You know who's gonna come out on top?

The winner.

And the world's greatest slumber.

Look, you gotta think of something.

There's no way Mimi's gonna be the store manager.

Hey, I know it'll get Mimi fired.

When she's in charge tomorrow, you talk everyone

into having a work slowdown so nothing gets done.

Yeah, great.

We'll call a project just like every other day.

Well, I know how people get fired at drug code

and complain about the pain chip in their neck.

Oh!

Well, I wish I could help you out, Drew, but getting

fired is one thing I don't have to worry about.

When you catch your boss putting his wife's head in a box, you got a job for life.

Uh, Kate, honey, how about you?

I mean, you've had a little bit of experience getting fired.

Yeah, but that's just because I refuse to play the

man's game and show up for work five days in a row.

Come in.

Mr. Wick.

What?

The same thing that you want, to destroy Mimi.

And I have a plan.

I call it Operation Take Down the Clown.

Well, how's it work?

Don't know.

I spent all night on the title.

Yeah.

Why should Drew trust you?

You tried to get him fired.

Oh, good lord!

That white's only prank his ancient history.

How long are you going to hold that over my head?

It was yesterday.

Oh, all right, then.

How about this?

We unite to destroy Mimi, and then it's every man for himself.

What do we need you for?

It's your big plan to get Mimi fired.

Well, let's see.

I've been fired for a variety of reasons.

I must become up with something.

There was drunk, drunk.

Then I forget the legal term, but whipping it out in an elevator.

Then drunk, drunk, and whipping it out in an office.

I was telling the elevator story at a different job.

I wish there was a way we'd get Mimi drunk at work.

I've got it.

Every day with lunch, Mimi has a pickle.

We can take that pickle, soak it in grain alcohol, she won't

know she's getting drunk because it has no taste or smell.

I like it.

Yo, pickle switch.

I learned it from another drunken rehab.

She was an old slavic woman.

Yeah.

She used to sneak them in in the folds of her pendulous breasts.

You haven't hit rock bottom until you've fought off

three other drunks to suckle on a Hungarian booby pickle.

Wrote me once, shame on you.

Wrote me twice, shame on me.

Johnson, that truck's not gonna unload itself.

I want that merchandise on the shelves pronto.

Hey, customer service, why have I had three complaints and sporting goods this morning?

I need you on that.

Kenny, where the hell were you?

That big cowboy tied me up again this morning.

It's too late to get Mimi drunk now.

It's almost the end of the day.

Damn it, Kenny, I should never have put my pickle in your hands.

Hello?

Have I been talking to the new store manager?

Five more minutes till closing, and it's all mine.

Cool, I'm so proud of you.

Now, the doctor said that tonight is your prime

ovulation time, so here are your special panties.

Oh, please.

Put them on at the restaurant.

Don't put them on now.

It'll make the ride over so much fun.

Every time we hit a red light...

Let's not take the freeway.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew, isn't it great about Mimi?

It doesn't bother you at all that she got me fired.

What are you talking about?

She said you stopped being store manager

because you wanted to spend more time with Kate.

No!

No, she made me late for the sale, and she humiliated me in front of the boss.

She had him hog-tied by a cowboy.

Yeah, it's true, and we got over 50 Polaroids to prove it.

Here's Drew being hog-tied.

Here's Drew yelling at me and Oswald not to take pictures.

Here's Oswald holding a stick with dog poop on it and Drew's face.

Oh, my God.

She lied to me.

Oh, Drew, I am so sorry.

I had no idea.

Well, I'm not gonna need this remote.

If she wants her panties to vibrate, she's gonna have to do it herself.

It would be a terrible, terrible, terribly funny thing to do.

No, we can't do it.

It's too mean.

Oh, look, our last two screw-ups of store managers informed the club.

Come on, everyone.

I want you to meet the new store manager.

She's more mad than both of them put together.

Tell me, let's start her engines.

Mr. Sola.

Mimi, you've done a great job.

I just want to introduce the board to our new store manager.

Congratulations.

I think she's got them on.

There's only one way to find out.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

She's real.

Give her the juice.

I can't do it.

I can't give Mimi pleasure.

Well, I've never really pleasured a woman.

Let me try.

It was nice of all of you to stop by, and now I better get back to work.

Steve, honey, you can stop now.

Mimi, are you okay?

Yes, yes, yes!

Spank your ass!

Spank your ass!

I'm gonna go back to my office now.

Mimi, you're embarrassing me.

Get a grip on yourself.

Too late!

Mimi, I need to talk to you.

Not now!

Mimi.

Just give me a minute, please!

I don't know what the hell is going on here, but it's very unprofessional.

Well, I can explain.

I'm trying to get pregnant, so I'm wearing vibrating panties, because the doctor told

me that... You're waving at your world of beautiful authors?

On the one day that you have to prove yourself as star manager?

Mimi, that's it.

I'm demoting you back to secretary.

I'm sorry.

No, Mr. Star, wait!

Wait, wait, no!

I'm going to my office.

Whoever has that remote, just turn it on high and leave it by the coffee shop.

Hey, uh, Mr. Szilard, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what is it?

Uh, now that the manager's job is open again,

I'd like to throw my hat back into the ring.

There won't be any more screw-ups, because the cowboy's gone.

I hear you got sick of the rules and pushed down Mexicali way.

Some say he's dead.

Others say he's assembling Hyundai's.

Sorry, Carrie, but we hired a new manager already.

Hello, Carrie.

There you go.

Say goodbye to your weekend.

While we're at it, I'll need you to work

Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and your birthday.

What did you hire him again for?

Well, he was the most experienced, and he did finish his

retraining as he pointed out over Pickles last night.

Why don't we discuss my new salary over a nice bumpy gherkin?

Mimi, I thought we had a deal, but you never wear makeup again.

Ah, ah, ah, you said not to wear my makeup.

Monday through Thursday, I'm the members of Kiss Friday, a tribute to Michael Jackson.

Well, Mimi, you might have kept me from getting

the manager's job, but at least you didn't get it.

Yeah, but you might have been responsible for

shaking an egg loose from my hen house, Uncle Drew.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Hey, who left some beer on?

Why are you leaving on the ground?

Sometimes Drew's an idiot.

Well,

little ladies, this is from Drew Carey.

It's a payback for the poop stick.