Original subtitles

So, Ms. O'Brien, according to your resume, you have no experience as a caterer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I speaking loud enough for you?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just a little hard of hearing in this year.

Look, I know I don't have a lot of catering experience, but I'm a real self -starter.

So you don't have to hold my hand?

You don't have to hold my hand.

Hey, guys.

Shh.

Shh.

What's going on?

Well, you know Al Kate always chokes on job interviews?

Sure.

Well, she bought a cell phone and an earpiece

of MacGyver here is talking her through it.

I've noticed you've had a lot of different jobs.

I must say that makes me a little concerned about your stability.

Are you saying I'm unstable?

Because that's what I heard.

I'm unstable.

I had a lot of different jobs because I didn't know

what I loved, and now I realize that that's catering.

I had a lot of jobs because I didn't know that's

what I loved, and now I realize that's catering.

Sounds pretty corny, huh?

No, that's the perfect answer.

Yes!

Who's your big dog?

Who's your big dog?

Yeah, the big dog.

You're the big dog in that catering business, and that's why I want to scoot

my butt across this carpet every morning at 9 a.m.

Okay.

Well, I like your enthusiasm.

Now, I ask everyone this.

What do you consider to be your flaws?

Guys, I want to know about her flaws.

Oh, she's got a terrible temper.

She's pushy, lazy, manipulative, self-centered.

Huh.

Well, that's a toughie.

I think I got it.

You know what?

I think I'm just too nice to people.

Or is that an asset?

Now you're a liar, too.

Bitch on wheels, lying on wheels.

Come on, guys.

Kate's the only bitchy when she's... when... in the face of

racial injustice or other justifiable causes of bitchiness.

And you know what?

I can work any hours you want because I'm single now and all my friends are dead.

Hey, you finally got Winford Louder to pay in cookies.

No, I'm doing such a good job as store manager.

The board sent me a gift.

Look at that.

Winford Louder is cookie for Drew.

I'm going to send him back an oatmeal cookie that says, hey, how about a raisin?

Hey, you're not the only one with big news.

I got the job with the catering company.

Oh, that's great, honey.

And... and for my first assignment, I cooked this corned

beef and cabbage for the bridal shower at Holy Convent.

Sister Mary's leaving the order and getting married.

Wow.

What do you get half of when you divorce Christ?

Well, I talk about not measuring up to someone's ex.

Anyway, so I heated up the leftovers so you'd all can have a taste.

Well, you know, I'd say things are going pretty good for me right now.

Store manager bringing home the big cookie, driving the company

jag back to a beautiful woman who's cooking meat dinner.

And the best news is my sprained penis is finally getting its color back.

Hey, why are we always talking about Drew's generals?

I got generals, too, you know.

How are the Olsen twins?

Can you maybe go tomorrow night and celebrate?

Oh, I can't.

From now on, I have to work six nights a week.

Oh, well, when are we going to see each other?

You know, I've got to work Saturdays now.

Um, I don't know.

I guess that leaves Sunday after church.

Oh, I promised God that if I got this job, I'd

go to church every week for the rest of my life.

I have to go for at least a month.

Well, then tonight's our celebration.

Here's to K.

Stu job.

I bet this is the one.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

Okay, everyone.

Dig in.

Oh, this is some fine-looking corned beef and cabbage.

This reminds me, you don't see many Irish restaurants around, do you?

Take a bite.

Hey, this is pretty good.

Yeah, dude, it's good.

It is good, you.

Um, anyone want to talk about their day?

Well, the red of this corned beef against the green of the cabbage reminds me of

something that happened at this monkey at drug code today.

Let's just eat.

Fine.

Let me just say that death came as a friend to him.

I'd say this cookie is a perfect end to a perfect meal.

Thanks, K.

No, please.

You cooked us a fabulous meal.

Allow us to do the dishes.

Here you go, boy.

What's wrong?

It's nothing.

Oh.

What, you didn't like the food?

No, I loved it.

In fact, the good news is, I get to taste it all over again.

I hope it wasn't the food.

No, I'm sure that's not...

You're not sick too, are you?

Uh, no, I'm gonna just check if it's raining outside.

So if you hear anything splatter up against the house, it's the rain.

Drew, if those guys are getting sick, that means I've poisoned 30 nuns.

I've ruined the only pleasure they're allowed to have.

No, I'm sure it's just this, uh, flu that's going around.

Listen, I'm gonna just make room for seconds.

Sorry, Oswald.

Well, it's been 24 hours.

I think I'm ready for my first salad food since Kate's dinner party.

Or as I like to call it, the night the toilet cried.

Man, that was like power vomiting.

They had gum coming out of me they don't even make anymore.

Good news.

It wasn't my cooking.

None of the nuns got sick.

As a matter of fact, next week I'm catering an exorcism.

You know, something I don't feel so good.

Me either.

Every time I take a sip of beer, it gets worse.

Oh, man, we were drinking buzz beer last night.

There's something wrong with the beer.

What'd you guys do with the beer?

Hey, why is it always our fault?

Yeah, although there was that petri dish from drug code we were playing frisbee with.

I mean, the one that fell on the vat and then started to fizz?

I thought it was in the petri dish.

Yeah, we could have asked the guy who gave it

to me if he hadn't spontaneously combusted.

All right, hey, everybody listen up.

Who's ever drinking buzz beer?

It's poison.

So if you're drinking buzz beer, stop.

Nobody.

It's the cheapest beer in here.

I don't get it.

Mimi, tell him.

It's not your beer, you dope.

That big cookie wasn't from the board.

It was from me and I put some stuff in it that makes you allergic to alcohol.

What are you talking about, Mimi?

She stole a drug from Mr. Wick's medicine cabinet.

It's called Antabuse, and it gives alcoholics

a violent reaction to any form of alcohol.

Hey, Quincy, it's my prank.

You want to let me finish?

So from now on, every time you have alcohol, you're gonna puke.

And?

And I'm sorry.

Is there an antidote?

Nah, you just can't drink till it's out of your system.

So how many more hours are we talking about?

Two weeks.

No alcohol for two weeks?

Oh, my God, I need a drink.

Oh, my God.

But tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day.

I have to drink.

My last name's O'Brien.

I can't shame my ancestors.

I'm gonna pay for this, Mimi.

I don't know how.

I don't know when.

Oh, hey.

It was a crazy thought.

Hey, two, what are you doing?

Give me that purse.

When I respond to everything Oh, the world is bright

and gay While we're arriving Surely still you're

hiding You know, I've never been sober on St. Patrick's Day before.

Do you know how to pray?

I got to say, now that I'm not drinking, there's nothing between me and the

realization that I'm a single 40-year-old janitor.

Come on, Steve.

You better take me home.

You show me your chalalie, I'll let you kiss my Barney's doe.

I never needed a beer more in my entire life.

Guys, you know, I know that Mimi did this

horrible thing and you can't drink at the party.

I just feel awful for you.

And I especially feel awful for you because you look at

this beautiful woman all day and you can never, ever...

Promise me, if anything happens to me, you'll take care of Mimi.

Oh, I'll take care of her already.

The very next day.

Oh, sweet giggleit.

I don't know why I torment my piggies.

They're kind of close-up cute.

You know, I no longer fear death.

I better take her home before she suggests to carry Brother Sandwich.

God, I could feed the world.

Is he playing smoke on the water?

Yeah.

This is a mistake.

Let's get out of here.

God, did you see that?

Yeah, she smiled at us.

I just realized something.

We're sober, but all the women in here are drunk, so...

Okay, stay with me on this, all right?

Okay, when women are sober and we're sober, it's like this, okay?

Yeah, that's true.

Now, watch what happens when we stay sober, but the women get drunk.

Look at that.

You know, my name's Lewis.

For the next few hours, I'm gonna seem like a good idea.

Uh, hey, fine ladies behind Lewis.

Oh.

Well, this is your lucky St. Patrick's Day.

Because we're magically delicious.

I'm not sure what you meant by that.

Um, we'll take two coffees, please.

You're not drinking?

No, we don't drink.

We're recovering alcoholics.

We just came with some friends from work.

We're their ride.

How'd you like to be my ride?

They're sober, shut up!

Well, sorry, we don't know what to say when we're not drinking.

Well, how long has it been?

We haven't had a drop of booze in three days.

Oh, this is the hardest part.

Why don't you have some coffee with us and we'll talk?

What's going on?

Why is this working?

There used to be alcoholics.

Maybe they've got brain damage.

Here's hoping.

This sucks not being able to drink on St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah.

Hey, let me get this straight.

Are all days this long and has your hair always been brown?

I gotta go.

I gotta cater that party and it starts at nine.

Can I see you tomorrow night?

Oh, I can't.

I have a board meeting.

How about Friday?

Oh, I can't, catering a party.

Saturday?

There's a sale at the store.

How about Sunday?

Oh, false promises to God.

Sunday night?

Inventory.

Man, when are we ever gonna see each other?

We'll figure something out.

See ya.

Oh, oh, wait.

I know what we can do.

Look, uh, we've known each other our whole lives, right?

We love each other.

So, uh, Kate, would you do me the honor of shacking up with me?

What?

When I'm sober, I'm impetuous.

I also have a bigger vocabulary.

This is a big step, Drew.

It'll be great.

At least this way we'll be able to see each other mornings and evenings.

It'll take off your parents.

But I don't... Please.

Please.

Well, Drew, this isn't the kind of decision you should make under pressure.

Please.

I'm moving your stuff tomorrow.

Oh, well, tomorrow's... Please.

All right.

Jeez, will you stop begging?

I think I'm begging now.

We know we're in bed together.

This place is great.

What do you think, Kate?

It's not really my taste.

I don't think we're gonna get any decorating ideas for your house.

So just get out of here.

There's lots of good ideas in here.

Look, they have an island.

Hey, Kate, look at me.

I'm stranded on an island.

For Ginger.

She's got a nice rack.

Um, you know, living together is kind of like living on an island.

I mean, do you remember when Gilligan broke the

professor's coconut radio and they didn't speak for weeks?

I never want to break your coconuts.

So you're having second thoughts about moving in?

I just want to make sure it's the right thing.

Well, moving in together isn't gonna change anything.

I mean, uh...

you spend half the time in my house anyway, and I'm just gonna spend the other half.

The naked half.

Oh, I see.

The lookie-loos are still here.

Listen, I'm gonna start closing up now.

After you steal all the candy, can you let yourselves out?

Is she calling us white trash?

Oh, yeah, half of mine will blow my nose on the curtains.

Fine.

Let's just eat the candy, use the bidet, and get out of here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I never ate candy with water shooting up my butt.

Oh, you know what, Drew?

This has liquor in them.

You're gonna throw up.

Oh, ma'am.

Where's the bathroom?

I don't remember.

Well, whatever's in here.

It's the bathroom now.

Hello?

Hello?

You know, it's funny that I didn't feel nauseous at all.

You know, I think the realtor left.

What are you doing?

I think that ant abuse is out of our system.

Oh, my God.

Did you check this place out?

It has a bidet, a maid's room, and Canadian beer.

Drew, you can't drink their beer.

Listen, let's just have one beer and see if this stuff

is out of our system, and then we'll get out of here.

Man, I want to fall asleep holding you tonight.

That's so sweet, Drew.

Talk into the beer.

Oh.

We had a great time.

So did we.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we love that you guys like to play ski ball.

And we love it that you guys didn't just let us win like those guys do.

Yeah, we kicked your ass.

I have to say, it's been a great couple of days.

Isn't it hard for you guys to come back to the place you used to hang out and drink?

We're totally changed now.

We don't need alcohol.

We're addicted to you.

We're youaholics.

I'd like to see a drunk guy come up with that, huh?

So you don't have any temptation coming back here?

No, you don't understand.

We actually can't drink.

Just the smell of it makes us sick.

Here, let me show you.

There we go.

See, just doing that will make me nauseous.

Didn't do it that time.

Oh, my God, this stuff must have worn off.

Waitress, four beers.

But no, we're alcoholics.

Oh, sorry, eight beers.

We can't drink.

And we can't date people who drink.

You've got to decide.

Women who love you for who you are or beer.

Ladies, here's to what might have been.

Drew, that was such a great meal.

It's not over yet.

I found a dessert.

Someone named Timmy is turning five.

Drew, put that back.

All right, but I'm having the soccer ball.

I think we're buzzed.

That was three hours ago.

Now we're drunk.

You know, we can't wait for us to have a little love nest of our own.

Drew, were you listening when I was talking about moving in with you?

Don't you remember the whole Gilligan's Island allegory?

Yeah, yeah, coconuts.

Drew, I'm drunk enough now to be totally honest with you.

I'm on one beer away from crying, so let me have it.

I'm just not ready to move in with you yet.

And while I'm being totally honest, you've got a girly walk, but a great butt.

Anything I can do to change your mind?

I mean, hey, imagine this piping hot from the shower every morning.

Come on.

Drew, Drew, I don't want to move in together just because our schedules conflict.

I'm going to do it the old-fashioned way, you know, after we're married.

It's going slow enough as it is.

If we don't hurry up, how much people are going to be passing us by?

I'm taking it slow because this is the most important relationship of my life.

Maybe we are going too fast.

That was a big mistake.

What am I doing?

Don't blame yourself.

It was a sobriety talking.

I say that we don't make any major decisions anymore unless we're drunk.

Bigger the decision, the drunker we should be.

Just find ways to see each other.

Oh, you know those parties that cater?

They don't always know who's invited.

In fact, I'm catering apartments for this Saturday, Mr. Goldberg.

Already?

My little salmon is becoming a man?

To the day we move in together.

L 'chaim.

Here's my card, like I said.

If you want to make an offer, call me tomorrow.

You told us about this place.

I hope these guys never sell their house.

Canadian beer?

A birthday cake!

We can hunt around the house, because where

there's birthday cake, there's birthday bread!

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Tim!

Eat!