Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Drew Carey.

It's March 1st, so it's time for our annual April Fool's Show.

Here to tell you more about it is my girlfriend, Kate.

I said here's Kate.

Can't we just tell people this is our annual April Fool's contest?

Hey, Kate.

Ah, damn, baby, you're looking good.

You wouldn't let me on whose line is it anyway, but you make me do this?

There's going to be mistakes like this all throughout the episode.

Over 50 of them.

So keep your eyes open for mistakes, because the game is starting right now.

And here's some more buzz beer we can't use.

And here's some more buzz beer you contaminated.

It's all going in the trash.

We're sorry, Drew.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Everything's a good idea at the time.

Lead and paint was a good idea at the time.

SFS was a good idea at the time.

Nuclear tests you could look at were a good idea at the time.

Yeah, well, my dad watched nuclear tests, and we had

asbestos in our house, and I used to eat lead paint.

What?

Look, I'm working 60 hours a week now with store manager.

I don't have time for this crap.

Well, we were trying to save time.

He does such a good job at drug code, we thought he could help us clean the vats.

Yeah, he reaches places we can't.

I don't care how talented he is, he's still a monkey with a toilet crush.

What does he want now, a banana or something?

No, just a little respect.

Well,

I gotta get to work.

While I'm gone, Chester's in charge.

Thank you.

All this energy calling me, back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude, it's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks in the green to the rich, there are thieves in the box,

thieves in the box.

They've been insane, they're the size of creatures, darling.

Hey, Mimi, any messages?

Yeah, your head called for your ass, it's going to be a little late coming in today.

Well, yeah, well, I got a message for you.

Hey, how are you doing?

Well, you're the first one of us to have a real office, so now we just don't hang out

at your house, we also have a little place in the city.

Congratulations, Drew, it took you 20 years, but you finally have a ceiling.

Excuse me, I have a little bit of work to do.

Norm, your show's not on now, it's on next.

Hey, don't tell ABC, but I like to have a few beers before the show.

Yeah, like they never noticed.

Hey, listen, Drew, before we get to work, we've got to

tell you about our new Buzz Beer St. Patty's Day promotion.

Alright, wow me.

Okay, you know how everybody gets drunk and gets into fights on St. Pat's Day?

Yeah.

Well, we put a quarter in every bottle, so at the first

sign of trouble, people can use it to phone the police.

Well, how do you get the quarter out?

What do you think?

You don't see anything wrong with this?

This doesn't look like trouble to you?

Drew, I know they're taking credit for it, but it was actually the monkey's idea.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you here, Billy's feuding?

Hey, I only played a hillbilly in one movie, and actually, I'm quite right.

I'm sorry, Mr. Solari.

My friends and I have a business on the side.

We eat brew Buzz Beer.

Buzz Beer?

I've seen it at the liquor store.

Your liquor store sells beer.

Buzz Beer?

No, a bum outside drinks it.

Hey, the bum promotion paid off.

I don't know what's in it, sir, but I'd be honored if you gave it a try.

It's coffee and beer.

Like our slogan says, they could get smashed all over again.

Hey, this doesn't suck.

That was our second choice for a slogan.

Well, are we making up to pay the bills and make a few extra bucks on the side?

You know, I've been trying to set my brother all up in the business,

you know, so he can stop mooching off of me.

Well, you know, stop that the business can be kind of expensive.

So, are you selling?

I mean, I don't want you to get your hopes up to, uh, because all I have is 75 grand.

$75,000?

Permission to Cabbage Patch, sir.

I'll take that back.

I only have 60,000.

No problem.

This calculation only had 40,000, because that was kind of hard to watch.

But, you know, since we have a good price, do we have a deal?

Absolutely.

No, I've got to check my partners, but that's just from LA.

And I'd be so happy to give my brother-in -law out of my house.

And, Drew, if this deal happens, I'm going to teach you how to dance,

because I don't know what the hell you was just doing.

Bridge, I'm ready for my next scene.

So, what's the big deal, bro?

Yeah, we never had an emergency meeting with Buzz Beard before.

Well, there was that one where we talked about dropping one of the partners.

I wasn't invited to that.

Hey, Bessie.

Okay, well, sit down.

I got some great news.

My boss, Mr. Solard, wants to buy Buzz Beard for $40,000.

What?

After we pay off all the loans for the equipment, we'll each make about $3,000.

Hey, the lips are waiting and the ass ain't shy either.

Well, I said that Buzz Beard was for sale.

Yeah.

I got us a great deal.

Buzz Beard doesn't make us any real money.

Well, what about the future?

I know we'll make money.

More teenagers are drinking now than ever before.

We can't get out now.

Yeah, but if we weren't making any money, I wouldn't want to sell Buzz Beard.

By my age, you're either a mother or a career woman.

With Buzz Beard, I'm a career woman.

I am.

I have a briefcase.

What's in it?

Yeah, my purse.

I thought you guys would be happy.

I mean, I know I'd be happy, because I don't know if I could

be store manager and work on Buzz Beard at night anymore.

Oh, I see.

Now that you've got yours, who cares about everybody else?

Success has changed you, man.

I saw that pamphlet on your coffee table.

Everything you need to know about call waiting.

You're flying too close to the sun, my friend.

Why don't we just take a vote?

Who wants to sell Buzz Beard and strangle our little dream in its sleep?

Well, that's a little biased.

Come on.

I say we take a vote.

Sell Buzz Beard will all make thousands of dollars,

which I will use to shower a special someone with gifts.

He's talking about me.

Oh.

Okay, who wants to sell Buzz Beard?

Who doesn't want to sell Buzz Beard?

Oh, come on.

My boss is going to kill me.

He thought we had a deal.

Well, who votes to pretend we have sympathy for Drew?

Oh, that's terrible.

Did you get so hard, Colin?

Yeah.

He's coming down in a minute to give you the check for Buzz Beard.

Crap.

I got to work fast.

Are Oswald and Moose inside my office?

Yeah.

Hey, nice hat for.

Found a lot of mistakes in the Drew Carey show.

Wait a second.

I'm not supposed to know this.

That's another one.

Hey, I'm glad you guys came down.

I've got a great idea, and I think it's going to make everybody happy.

We're buying the Partridge Family bus on eBay.

I was thinking, yes, I want to sell Buzz Beard, but I also thought since I have a

little success, I should share it with my friends.

So I'm offering you both really good jobs here at the store.

Oh, wow.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, I figured if you both had really good jobs, then you wouldn't need Buzz

Beard and I'd have enough votes to sell it.

Oh, I see.

Well, so what are the jobs?

Well, Lewis, I want you to have my old job.

You're going to be the new assistant director of personnel.

Why me?

Well, you're in charge of all the janitors

at Drunko, so you know how to manage people.

And you're really smart.

You were a straight-A student until you met Oswald.

Remember what I told you, buddy.

Smarty had a party, and nobody came.

I don't know.

Drew, the closest I've ever been to a desk job is

sitting backwards on the toilet, writing out a tank.

Well, my cubicle's kind of like a toilet.

I mean, it has walls, has graffiti, and Mimi's always floating around somewhere.

You know, I'm not going to quit my job, but I

could take some vacation days, give it a shot.

You know what?

You got a deal.

Thanks for trusting me with this kind of responsibility.

No, thanks.

Necessary.

I picked all these jobs based on your abilities.

Well, so what's my job, buddy?

Say hello to the first man to ever work in women's lingerie.

Lingerie?

I don't know anything about lingerie.

Why would I want to hang out with a bunch of women only wearing their underwear?

So, do we have a deal?

I don't know.

I like my job, and I don't want to sell Buzzbeer.

Excuse me, sir.

I need some help.

Do I look all right in this teddy?

So now I have to change my name, too?

Excuse me, sir.

I seem to have lost my thong.

I'm sorry, Drew.

It's a great job, but it's not worth giving up Buzzbeer for.

Ah, crap.

I think he had a hard time picturing you in a thong.

But I don't.

Carrie, my brother-in-law loved the idea.

Here's the check.

Let's make this deal.

I gotta be honest, sir.

My partners don't want to sell, and I can't sell you Buzzbeer.

What?

Come on, we had a deal.

My wife is gonna kill me.

Nobody told you to shoot your mouth off to your woman.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

I'm your new assistant director of personnel.

Carrie, you're in deep trouble.

If I don't get Buzzbeer, you won't have a job.

Don't worry about it, Drew.

I got a plan that might help.

You take care of Kate, I will hand the laws walled.

This is what we're gonna do.

And that's what we're gonna do.

We really mean it.

That's what we're gonna do.

Gee, Drew, the carnival was great.

Thanks for spending all that money to give me the balloon.

Don't mention it.

And thanks for spending all that money to give

me a second balloon when I let go of the first.

I don't know how I'm ever gonna pay you back.

Just remember all the good times we had today.

And, uh, there is one other thing.

Hey, Drew, did the carnival trick get Oswald to give you his Buzzbeer boat?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know, Operation Three Ring, dumbass.

I can't believe this.

You lied and tricked me.

That's not the spirit of the carnival.

Oh, yeah?

Well, here's another one.

I'm not gonna frame your spin-art.

I'll talk to him, Drew.

Hey, Drew.

All right.

Hey there, Kate.

What's the matter?

Oh, I just came from the doctor.

Oh, thank you, Carl.

Yeah, it's the stress from managing the store and trying to make Buzzbeer work.

He says my heart murmur is turning into a shout.

Thank you.

I have no idea.

What does this mean?

Well, I can't have my job, my health, and Buzzbeer.

You choose, honey.

Drew, I mean, if you put it that way, I guess... I couldn't catch him, Drew.

Maybe the medical scam will work on Kate.

Drew, I can't believe you just did that.

There is no way in hell you're getting my Buzzbeer vote.

But, Kate, honey, wait, I...

Well, I guess it's my fault I don't want to start hanging out with you 30 years ago.

Nobody forced you.

Hey, Geppetto.

Pinocchio.

What are you doing here?

After the movie we made, you said we'd be best buddies and hang out together.

Yeah, but then you started wearing the outfit

all the time and calling yourself Pinocchio.

That kind of creepy.

Where's your mom, right here?

I don't have them, Mom.

You made me out of wood.

Okay, well, I want you to just get them out of here.

Wait!

Wait!

What?

Morning, pig.

Morning, twig.

Hey, it's like the number ten just walked in.

Now, listen, when Oswald gets in here, it's

going to be our last chance to sell Buzzbeer.

You sure get him to change his vote?

We're talking to the guy who convinced him that airlines don't have silverware,

so he should sneak his own knife aboard the plane.

Hello, human resources.

It's glued to my head.

So what are you going to do to get her back?

You just can't hit her.

I'm only going to hit her until I get her to the ground, then I'm going to kick her.

No, you have to do something clever to get her back.

Oh, I get it.

You guys are like the roadrunner in Wylie Coyote.

Gee, I never thought of it like that.

Can you help me with this?

Hey, I hope you guys didn't bring me down here to get me to sell Buzzbeer,

because I don't want a new job, I don't want to go to the circus,

I don't want anything, and there's no way you're going to get me to change my vote.

Not even for... a bunny?

So, do you agree to sell Buzzbeer?

Oh, you'll get your precious vote.

If you meet my conditions, isn't that right, Commander Bun-Bun?

I want my share plus ten percent.

All right, done.

And an additional five percent.

So, you want fifteen percent?

But yes.

All right, then we have a deal.

Not so quickly, my friends.

I want one other condition, and this is absolutely non-negotiable.

I want... another bunny!

You really shouldn't be alone.

Well,

I officially called over to the last meeting of Buzzbeer.

Hey, who wants $3,000?

Well, I'm officially a rich man.

Wait till the guy at the liquor store sees

this baby slide under the bulletproof glass.

You know how many fingers I'd have to lose at drug code to make this kind of money?

Of course, that was before their finger schminger policy.

All right, Carrie, this is my brother-in -law Don.

Now, we are here for the equipment.

Good day, Mr. Cooper.

Now, I'd better not lose money on this like

I did that break dance to school of yours.

Hey, I thought I recognized you, Professor.

You remember me?

Break it down now.

I can't believe this is really happening.

Yeah, I never thought I'd see the day I'd help this mantle, Buzzbeer.

It's like taking apart a member of the family.

I didn't like that either.

Wow.

Look at that.

Yeah, we painted this the day we started Buzzbeer.

Four friends, four ever, four beer.

Guess it didn't quite last forever, huh?

Yeah, and I guess we were really stupid to believe it.

Crap.

Hey, Carrie, if you help us out, it'll go a little bit faster.

Uh, sir?

Listen, uh...

We changed our minds.

We had to have Buzzbeer back.

We decided to support it in the company at us.

It's... It's part of who we are.

Oh, come on, man.

I can't sell my brothers-in-law a future for $40,000.

Give me $50,000.

$50,000?

This means more to us than anything else in our lives.

Okay, in that case, you should pay $60 ,000.

But this is our dream.

$70,000.

Okay, okay, it's a deal.

All right, let's go.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, this is how you catch fast like this.

This is how rich people walk.

Drew, we don't have that much money.

That's okay.

I'll go to the bank tomorrow and take another loan.

The loan will be so far, debt will never be able to sell Buzzbeer.

Look at those idiots.

Stick with me, kid.

In a month, we're gonna own this place.

The monkey who thinks he's a man.

If anyone can do it, Chester can.

He's not a fella like you and me.

He's a fun, loving, happy slappy chimpanzee.

Chester!

Chester!

Chester!

He's not a fella like you and me.

He's a fun, loving, happy slappy chimpanzee.

A fun, loving, happy slappy chimpanzee.

I can't deal with this crap anymore.

I'm a store manager.

I'm working 60 hours a week.

I don't care how talented he is, he's still a monkey with a brush.