Original subtitles

I like this one.

It's too soft.

I can't sleep in a bed that's softer than I am.

A bed's an important purchase, Drew.

You're gonna be spending 30% of your life on it.

Sixty during the holidays.

Hey, Drew, look at this one.

It's on sale.

Hey.

This is nice.

You know, this helped my parents suffer 40 years.

When, like, the phone rang, my dad leaned over my lawn to get it.

That's how I was born.

Ooh, it's good on your back, too.

This good, too.

Drew, I'm ready to have sex with you.

Not here.

Come here.

I mean, are you sure you're ready?

You okay with this?

Yeah.

You know all the things I said about taking it slow, making it special,

blah, blah, blah?

Who am I kidding?

I'm not that kind of girl.

Just do me.

Just do me?

Yeah.

Well, that little phrase will put I love you out of business.

So, what do you think?

Are you free for Saturday night for a date?

Pause for dignity?

Yes.

You know what?

This bed even has one of those built-in massagers.

Hey, Kate?

Yeah?

I might want to shut that off.

I think I'm having our date right now.

What's it say?

Sh!

It's purple.

No, I think it's pink.

It's purple.

No, no, no, no.

It's pink.

Hey, Drew, what color is this?

Is it purple or pink?

Uh, it's pink.

Is this what I think it is?

It's my home pregnancy test.

You might want to change your water.

What the hell are you doing this at work for?

I'm checking every time I go to the bathroom until I get pregnant.

I want a damn baby!

Look, we've been trying for so long.

Maybe there's a problem...

with me.

I mean, we're a cross-dresser half your life.

Maybe all those years of strapping it down, put a kink in the hose.

Well, that could be, but it takes two to tango.

The problem could be with you.

Hey, this crackerjack always has a prize in it.

We both want a baby.

I think we should both go to the doctor.

I'm gonna go make an appointment right now.

Okay, I'll make an appointment, too.

But I know it's not my fault.

I could drop an egg at Will.

I think I remember that from your resume.

Shut up, pig.

At least I'm having sex.

Yeah, right.

I'm not having sex.

Wait a minute.

There's something going on here.

Drew, I know you're trying to hide something in that bag.

Why don't you just give it to me, because you know I'm gonna get it.

No, I'm not giving it up without a fight.

Okay.

Give me the bag!

Did you really think I had a gun?

Yes, I did.

How does that make you feel?

Ooh, Mr. Wick.

Check it out.

Massage oil.

Ooh, scented candles.

Barry White CD.

Oh.

Either you and O'Brien are gonna do it, or it's getting

to the point where you gotta get your hand in the mood.

It's called romance.

Not all of us can make our ass glow red to attract a mate.

This is big, Kenny.

Sex for the first time with the woman you've loved your whole life.

I'm sure you won't let the pressure get to you.

I feel I must congratulate you.

Prematually.

It's not gonna work, sir.

Well, I'm sure you're gonna screw this up.

Sir, to help you, I'm going to let you in on one of my sexual secrets.

Something that drives the ladies wild.

Sir, you just blew in my ear and called me a dirty girl.

Yes, well, it loses its effect without a nipple tweak.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

I said I was going out tonight.

Well, we always come over when you're not home.

The question is, what are you doing here?

What's going on in the living room?

Don't go in there.

Whoa, look at this place.

Candles everywhere, rose petals on the ground, champagne.

Uh, Drew, I must princess Di too.

No, tonight's my big night with Kate.

Although, uh, since you guys are here, maybe you take Speedy.

Why?

Well, uh, he likes to watch and he always barks at

all the women because he thinks they're hurting me.

Well, it actually was, but I could have handled it.

Oh, yeah.

I guess we better get going, huh?

Mm -hmm.

You two kids have fun now.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Bear, bear, bear, bear.

You'll be a woman.

Shoo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo -doo -doo-doo-doo-doo.

Can I get you some champagne?

Sure.

Uh, I thought we'd have some more DERVs.

And I fixed your favorite meal.

And then maybe we could listen to this, uh, jazz CD.

Mm-hmm.

Wow,

you know, we just skipped about, uh, five steps there, but that's okay with me.

How about we skip five more?

So, do you just want to be friends?

Hey, uh, let's, uh, set the mood a little bit.

A little fire.

Pretty realistic, huh?

I almost smell it.

It smells a little like your deodorant.

Yeah, same company.

So, uh, fire, new sheets, new bed.

Uh, I even fuddled in a four-way light bulb.

Didn't know much lighting you like.

You like it like this?

Like this?

Like this?

Or like this?

I'll go through it again.

Like this?

It's true.

Would you relax it?

It actually doesn't matter.

Sorry, I'm just a little anxious about this whole thing.

Hey, you're not the only one that's nervous.

I kind of over freshened.

I hope you really, really like spring rain.

Hey!

This is gonna be great.

I don't even know why we waited.

I like it.

If it doesn't go well, it's kind of a bad sign.

You know, it's that whole sexual chemistry thing.

But, you know, I mean, everything in this relationship has been so great,

the only thing that could screw it up is bad sex.

Okay, well, goodbye erection.

What's wrong?

You pretty much told me if I don't hit it out

of the ballpark, it's back to the farm team.

Sweetie, that's not what I meant.

I'll just sit and watch the roaring video fire for a minute.

Okay.

Drew, I didn't mean anything.

I just wanted to be really special.

I do, too.

The fire's starting to heat up again.

Uh-huh.

Okay, we got a towering inferno here.

Let's just do this.

Let's just do this?

I'm not burying a cat.

I didn't mean it.

I meant, you know, something that won't make you mad.

You know what?

Maybe we should just start over.

Okay.

And this time, maybe you couldn't talk so much.

So, you want me to shut up and put my legs up in the air?

Is that a trick question?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Oh, Keith, come on.

Wait.

Wait a second.

I was... I love you.

I'm wearing something that tastes good.

Hey, Drew.

You seen Mimi?

Yeah.

Okay, something's wrong with my little bro.

I'm all right.

I can tell there's something wrong.

Because you're hitting yourself.

Let's cut it out.

Tell yourself you're doing it.

Okay, okay, stop it.

I screwed things up with Kate last night.

I've been calling her all day, but she won't answer her phone.

Don't worry.

Why are you touching yourself?

Oh, I'm just adjusting the coolant in my boxers.

I'm trying to keep my sperm count up.

See, Mimi and I went to a clinic, and turns out we both have impaired fertility.

Hey, but it's easy to fix.

You've just got to wear these special boxers, and

I have to take female hormone shots every day.

So, how many shots do you have to take before you become a woman?

If I wasn't feeling so ladylike from all this estrogen,

I would bitch-slap you all the way to the coffee machine.

Hey, I've been trying to call you.

Jared, last night was a disaster.

I don't think it's working.

No, it's working.

I slapped some sense into it after you left.

Maybe the problem is that we rush things too much.

I don't think we're ready.

Come on, honey.

I'm rotting on the vine here.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I don't want to repeat it last night.

No, no, no.

I think we just put too much pressure on ourselves.

You know, we need to be more spontaneous.

You know, just do it when the mood strikes.

Yeah, that'd be great, Jared, but you're not really a spontaneous kind of guy.

You lay out your underwear for the whole week.

It's a time saver.

Yeah, I can be spontaneous.

Okay, copy room, right now.

Hey, I said I was spontaneous.

I'm not the office whore.

See, I told you, you're not spontaneous.

I am.

I am spontaneous, and I'll prove it to you.

Someday, sometime, when you least expect it, we're gonna have sex.

And it may not be good, it may not be satisfying, but at least we'll be spontaneous.

I mean, this report I gave you has a typo in it.

I need you to fix it before you send it out.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Wick.

I just can't seem to get any work done today.

Hey, are you okay?

Fine.

It's just these hormone shots that I'm taking, and...

they're giving me kind of mood swings.

What if I can never have a child?

I don't want to die alone!

All right, toodles.

They're there.

You're not the only one with problems.

My own mum didn't even love me.

Daddy?

He didn't love me either.

He tried to trade me for an onion!

So, you see, all I have left in the world is

that report, and I still need it out by 5!

Why, you Mr. Wick!

Mr. Wick!

Yes!

Would you... Don't speak!

Just type!

What is it?

Do you think that God wants me to have a baby?

Oh, yeah, you gotta keep that circus tradition alive.

Speak?

Uh-oh.

It's not so funny when you just come out and say it like that.

Come on, Mimi, don't cry.

Hey there, you.

Listen, I'm gonna give you a personal day.

I want you to go home, crawl in a cage, chew

on a rubber hamburger, call your vet a vet.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, pig.

Atta girl.

What's up with her?

She's been crying the blues and greens and the yellows.

It's all running together.

So, you ready for lunch?

Yeah.

Actually, things didn't go so well with Kate last night.

Yeah.

At least I'm surprised.

Oh, my God, things didn't go well with Kate?

What the hell is going on?

Black is white, up is down.

The world doesn't make any sense!

Thank you.

Now, we decided to try it again, but I have to

prove to her that I can do it spontaneously.

You're not spontaneous.

You should lay out your underwear.

We can advance.

It's a time saver.

Now, I got a plan.

Tomorrow night, we're gonna have a beer at my house.

You guys leave, but you take Speedy with you.

Then you go outside and cut the master switch to the fuse box, throwing my house

into darkness, and Kate right into my arms.

Now, to make this simple for you, all I have to remember is this.

Leave.

Dog.

Lights.

You know, it helps me to remember things if I put it into a song.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

You know why?

It sounds an awful lot like your underwear pants shoes song.

Ah, the worst I was packed tonight.

So, I guess you guys got someplace you need to go.

Ah, the game's on.

We thought we'd just hang out here.

Does this remind you of anything?

Underwear pants shoes.

Underwear pants shoes.

Do you guys want a beer?

Yeah, thanks.

No, leave, dog, lights.

Oh, no, no.

We switched it to the Spider-Man theme.

Leave, dog, lights.

Leave, dog, lights.

For a neighborhood, leave, dog, lights.

Just drink your beer, get Speedy, and get out of here.

Okay.

Well, actually, we're just going.

Yeah.

Oh.

Come on.

Well, why are you taking Speedy?

Uh...

Boy, it's a sad state of affairs when two single guys and their best friend's dog

can't go out at night without raising an eyebrows.

What's going on, Drew?

You didn't plan anything, did you?

Plan anything?

No.

Anything you see tonight is totally spontaneous.

Drew said it was the third switch on the left.

I can't believe you planned this, Drew.

I ought to walk out of here right now.

Or maybe I should show you how to be spontaneous

by making you have hours and hours of hot sex.

I guess I had that coming.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, Speedy.

You can't watch Drew having sex.

Although it would be cute to see you try to put your paws over your eyes.

Oh, crap.

Now we gotta get him out of the garage to put the leash on him.

Hey, listen.

Just open the door and trick him into thinking we're gonna let him back in.

Uh-oh, Speedy.

We left the back door wide open.

Come on, boy.

Hey, look.

He brought us beer.

But why'd he put away over there?

Because he's a dumb animal.

Come on, let's go get him.

We will never speak of this again.

Drew?

Yeah?

I think it's time for you to gift wrap your present.

Oh, yeah.

Um, when we left the condoms in the bathroom, we're right back.

Drew?

Are you panting?

Better believe it, baby.

I'm in the up-and-lock position and we are ready for takeoff.

All right.

Get ready for some vanilla thunder.

Drew, are you okay?

Say something.

I fell on my penis.

Call an ambulance.

Hey, Drew.

How are you?

Are you in pain?

I'll be all right.

I don't know if I can actually sprain it.

Now I know my mom always said never run in the house with an erection.

So, what'd the doctor say?

I have to stay off for six to eight weeks.

Honey, I'll wait for you as long as it takes.

Yeah, well, uh, it'll be okay.

As soon as I'm able to pee without screaming, we'll all have a good laugh about this.

And just so you don't think it's all gloom and doom here at Cleveland Clinic,

this man tripped over his dog and tore his corpus cavernosa,

the spongy bodies of a erectile tissue in the penis.

Mr. Carey, do you mind if the students have a look?

What the hell?

I'll never be this big again.

Now what you're about to see is not for the faint-hearted.

Ladies and little nippers are strictly forbidden.

Now, this poor, miserable creature was born of normal parents,

but an horrible accident left it in this deplorable state.

As you look upon this human oddity, count your

blessings that the Lord did not make you thus!

A man with a broken penis!

Do it, the freak!

Do it, the freak!