Original subtitles

Drew, can you drive a little more carefully?

I can't get this food in my mouth.

Yes, and I can't get the bloody stick in my pit.

I can't help it.

My car's out of alignment, because I keep on

hitting that stupid pothole in front of my house.

You're trying to tell me that you can't see a big hole in

the road with those Hubble telescopes you got in your face?

I see it fine.

I just can't swerve around it when another car's coming at me.

And what's another head-on collision to you?

Oh, I'll laugh about that later, but right now... Incoming!

What?

I'm always ready when you guys pick me up.

Don't you guys do anything at home?

Coffee's ready.

I know what the real problem is here.

Every time you look in the rear view mirror, you're

distracted by my rock-hop white cliffs of Dover.

I swear to God, I will crash this car and kill us all if

you don't get your pasty English man-teats out of my face.

Wait a minute.

Boobs.

Hooters.

Ah, crap.

I love finding a report with the sexual

harassment guidelines in it back at the house.

Hang on.

Kimme, I've got a very important 9 o'clock meeting.

If I'm late, there's gonna be hell to pay.

Don't worry, Sino's shortcut.

I'm right around the corner.

Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Hey, good-looking.

Would you like some fries with that shape?

Ah, she's not interested.

Go, go, go!

Don't be offended, sir.

She's probably just late for school.

I mean, Drew, that report's not the only thing you forgot.

What are you talking about?

There's your pothole!

Is everything all right?

I'm fine.

What are you looking at?

Yeah, sir.

I'm looking at a guy who's got to get to a 9 o'clock meeting.

Either while you're still looking your best.

Now it's being video-conferenced to all our stores.

I know, sir.

I know.

All

this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's back

where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson lips Go Cleveland Rocks,

Cleveland Rocks Living in sin with a safe defense Go Cleveland...

What are

you thinking about?

Wait.

Don't tell me.

Let me make my guess on this napkin.

And if I'm right, you buy the next beer.

Okay, I was thinking about my lousy timing.

I mean, here I am crazy about Drew right at the same time that stupid store

therapist tells him to lay off relationships for a while.

That's exactly what I wrote.

Let's see.

Wait, I'm not finished.

A large pizza and a pitcher of beer.

You heard the lady.

Would you stop fooling around?

This is a real problem for me.

You?

What about Drew?

Because he can't be with a woman and he's channeling

all his sexual energy in the fix in his street.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Gotta fill that hole.

I tell you, until I get that hole filled, I think I'm gonna burst.

Sick of hearing about it.

I say we go down to the hardware store, we get a shovel and some gravel and some tar.

We just fill the pot hole ourselves.

Who's with me?

Yeah, I am.

Oh, you guys in hot tar.

That's a really good idea.

Doesn't someone here have a do-it-yourself

press-on tile stuck somewhere below the waist?

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Anyway, we're gonna fix this hole, we're gonna do it the right way.

That's why I've been going door to door asking people to vote for Prop 147.

You know what Prop 147 is, don't you?

Do you know there's an election tomorrow?

Yes, we know there's an election tomorrow, and yes, we know what Prop 147 is.

What is it?

It's to provide more police to perform gay marriages at Indian casinos.

No, it's to provide funding for street repair.

The streets that take the police to perform gay marriages at Indian casinos.

These passes are gonna fix the pot hole in front of my house.

It's all written down in this thing.

You can read about it right here.

I'd like to see one of those.

In fact, maybe I could buy you a beer and you could tell me more about Prop 147.

It's all in the pamphlet.

Well, maybe we could just have a beer.

The beer's at the bar.

I'm sorry.

Um, did I say something wrong?

Look, I'm not in a good place right now, and I can't be in a relationship, okay?

Okay?

Okay?

He doesn't love himself.

Oh.

Do you love yourself?

All the time.

But I wouldn't mind trying a two-way.

Where you going?

Hey.

Drew, I think what you're doing is great.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna swear off dating for a while, too.

Oh, that's so nice, Kate.

And don't worry, it's not that hard.

I found all kinds of stuff to keep my mind off sex during the campaign.

Uh, banging on doors, licking envelopes, just

banging and licking, banging and licking.

Well, welcome to the celibate army, you two.

We don't get many volunteers, but we're glad to have you.

Private O'Brien, get me a beer.

I'm sorry about the smell, ma'am.

A bottle of ammonia exploded in the fire.

Is that better, ma'am?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I buy you a beer?

Oh, seven seconds, still the king.

Thank you.

Uh, no thanks.

God help me.

I'm trying to get me some of that.

Hey, so where was the fire?

We have W Hall.

We're on, uh, Rook Park.

Oh, no.

That's where we're supposed to go vote tomorrow.

Well, you'll all have to go downtown unless they can find another place.

Hey, why don't we move the voting over to the adult bookstore?

They already got the booze.

Hey, I got an idea.

I can volunteer they have the voting at my house.

And people will hit the pothole on the way

over there, and they'll have to vote to fix it.

I wonder if we can call right now.

Oh, you.

Sitting around here all with your shirt off.

How much money you make a year?

About $40,000.

Damn it.

All right, everybody, attention.

If everything goes okay, the new polling place is gonna be at Drew's house.

That's 720 Sedgway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thank you, man.

Hey, look at me.

I'm a mountain man's bride.

Kind of slow, huh?

Yeah, not a lot of people out voting.

I'll be glad when I'm dead.

Fourth time you've said that in the last hour, Miss Hopkins.

I'm starting to think you're all talk.

Hey, guys, today's the big day, huh?

You've been on all the doors, we've looked all the envelopes.

Now it's time to poke holes in those ballots and stuff in the mailbox.

Poke and stuff.

Poke and stuff.

Poke and stuff.

Well, I just signed the death warrant for the Peregrine Falcon.

Stick that up your egghole, you cat -stealing bastard.

Thank you.

Hey, so you really have every president on there?

Yep, well, 42.

I just hope someday I have a woman on me.

What are you doing?

I'm waving goodbye to my fixation on lesbian sex.

Hey, welcome, good Americans.

Sign in here.

Here's your ballots.

Oh, we didn't come to vote.

We just hit a pothole and it gave us a flack.

Can we use the phone?

Hey, you want to get back at that pothole?

Vote against it.

Nah, we got to get the car fixed and get back to the frat house for the beer brunch.

Beer brunch.

That's what we've been missing between beer breakfast and beer lunch.

Tell you what, if you vote, we'll give you a free buzz beer.

What do you think?

Sure.

Oh, we're a couple of idiots.

Yeah.

We should have been giving out free beer all along.

Wait a minute.

You can't give out beer before people vote.

How about afterwards?

That should be all right.

Okay.

Also, when you go spread the word, I'm going to go eat the beer.

Well, if you boys are going to pass out beers,

I'm going to go bum me a medicinal joint.

That's only legal if you have glaucoma.

My eyes.

Hey, congratulations.

You're a responsible citizen.

Now, here's your booze.

Hey, this week goes out to all you voters out there.

How's going on here?

Hey, we're giving away beer for votes.

Well, I'm going to prison.

There will be tons of new customers for buzz beer, and

what it has is people are voting to fix your pothole, huh?

Beer?

Are you crazy?

We're going to throw out all the votes.

All my hard work for nothing.

The pothole wins again.

Hey, this is your fault, pal.

Yeah.

Putting guys like us in charge in the single

most important process in this great land.

You think this is a joke?

All right, that's it.

Party's over.

Put out your cigarettes.

Get rid of your beer.

Hey, who's the face of the booth?

Here I stand all brokenhearted.

Came to vote, but only...

Dad's here.

Party's over.

Uh, excuse me, son.

Did you just put out your cigarette in the ballot box?

No, I put it in the... uh-oh.

Oh, my God.

Hey, does anybody have a key?

Oh, no.

The inspector has the only key, but not to worry.

No.

The polls are closed, and he'll be here any minute.

Um... Ow!

All right.

Everybody stand back.

I

am not paying for that.

Hey, quick.

Grab some water.

Well, that's it.

The votes are ruined.

You opened the box?

That's vote tampering.

You could go to prison.

That must be the inspector.

I'll get it.

Quick!

Somebody stop her!

Okay.

We got to think.

The vote's ruined.

The inspector's at the door.

And Oswald's giving that old lady an airplane ride.

And the red baron!

Whee!

Hey, the inspector can't report it if he can't call it in, huh?

Would somebody please take this away from me?

Who is it?

Calling inspector.

I'm here to pick up the ballots.

Okay.

If there's any chance of getting this pothole fixed, everybody's got to vote again.

Kate, start passing out ballots.

Louis, Oswald, you keep that guy busy for, like, five minutes.

Okay.

Hey.

You think of what I'm thinking?

Way ahead of you.

Come back in five minutes!

Got anything else for us?

Right.

Okay.

Excuse me!

The door's jammed.

Meet us around back.

Okay.

What are we going to do when we get out there?

Can you still make your butt talk?

Can you still throw in your voice?

You better come!

You said that!

Okay.

Does everybody have a ballot?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, everybody focus, please.

Okay.

For mayor, if you vote a Democrat, that's the first column, third hold down.

Republican, first column, fourth hold down.

Zoo expansion, yes, third column, fourth hold.

No, third column, fifth hold.

Ingle!

If we vote in here, would you please pay attention?

This is how a wrestler becomes a governor.

I can't believe we locked the door behind us.

I'm sure there's a key around here somewhere.

Oh, maybe it's under the mat.

Hey!

It's Mr. Heine!

Say, Mr. Heine, is it true that you have two cars?

I cared, but I wrecked them!

Shh!

Are you trying to stall me because interfering

with an election official is a federal offense?

Oh, man, you know, I bet we can get in that front door.

Mr. Heine never got to do his rendition of Like a Virgin.

Okay, the next five are judges.

Anybody care who's who?

No!

Okay, just punch any hole, 225 and 39.

Man, all this voting is killing my buzz.

Let's go.

Yeah, like how you will.

You're gonna sit down and listen to the man and vote.

You know what?

Ah, you're hurting me.

Yeah, this is for every one of you frat boys who called me a townie.

Oh, the last proposition and the most important.

Street repair.

For yes, punch hole 65.

For no... Hey, Kate, how's that little Timmy doing that fell in the pothole up front?

Done look good, Drew.

Done look good.

Oh, it's too bad.

Okay, you've got about five seconds.

Everybody put your votes in the thing.

Give me your votes.

Give me your votes.

Grab your beers.

Get out of here.

Let's go.

Hi!

Don't you care?

You must be the, uh, polling inspector.

Why does it smell like beer and smoke in here?

I have a cat.

Wait.

Drew, they're reporting on the election.

Councilman Hendrix is expected to win the 10th district.

And our exit polls indicate that all of the propositions will pass.

Except for one.

Close the library.

Close the library.

Proposition 147, the street initiative looks

like it'll fail by an overwhelming margin.

No.

All right, that's it.

I'm gonna go out there.

I'm gonna fill that hole up myself.

Drew,

I think this is illegal.

I don't care anymore.

All right?

I played by the rules and the system let me down.

What good is democracy if you can't get what you want?

Drew, it's cold.

Looks like it's gonna rain.

Come inside, you'll feel better about it in the morning.

No, I won't.

Hey, if you do this, you're no better than the whole.

I never said I was.

This is for my broken axle.

This is for my new shocks.

You're not up against the guard now.

You're up against the man.

Go back to hell where you came from.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

You think he needs some help?

No, it looks like he's got another control.

Hey, we have to help him.

Well, how you doing, buddy?

It's been crap different day.

Let's go home, Drew.

No, I have to figure out a way to fix this fight.

I'm sure that I'm gonna beat this hole.

I swear I'll beat this hole.

This is not just about a hole.

I know.

It's about women.

This street looks beautiful.

You can't even tell there was a pothole there.

Yeah, it was pretty smart to break the water, man.

You knew that the city would have to come by and fix the pothole.

You're looking at a guy who isn't smart in the entire city government.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta raise $1 ,200, so I'll turn my water back on.

Hey,

you should be thanking me.

I did what the city couldn't do.

I know you.

You're the Thompson boy.

If you're the future, I feel sorry for this country.

Turn out the lights, America.

It's all over.

Funny, I always thought I'd be the one wearing

the sandwich board ranting about the government.

Well, the neighborhood still needs a guy who sits on

his front lawn and it's underwear and shoots a crows.

I got the gun.

So, tell me, beautiful, are we near the airport, or is it my heart taking off?

My God, you can't take your eyes off me, can you?

Some days, everything just clicks.

Oh, my God, Mimi, I'm late for my date.

Can I check myself out in your mirror?

No, you look great.

Oh, come on, I'll give it right back to you.

A little bushy up top.

Still, mustn't brag.

Before you go, sir, your left eye's a little bloodshot.

Thank you.

Mimi, you do look after me, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, go on your date, and if you sneeze, use these eye drops.