All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S05E05.Drews.Physical-ing

Sorry, you put Vaseline all over my seat.

Well, I hope you sent him flowers.

Oh, very good, Mimi.

What do you think, because you put
Vaseline on my chick?

All right, that's it.

I'm calling Mr. Wick.

I didn't do it, Pig.

I swear it.

But now that you're all
greased up, why don't you run

around to office and whoever
catches you wins a pie?

Well, if you didn't do it, then who did?

I did it.

You?

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Doreen, I told you I didn't want you
dressing like me.

I want to be your Mimi Mimi again.

Dressing like you gave me courage.

It made me special.

And men like taking it off even more than
I like putting it on.

Take me back.

I don't know.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Come here, you.

Man, it's like a phone commercial from
another dimension.

Carrie, we need to talk business.

It's a nice outfit, sir.

You know, so few people can pull it off.

Thank you.

I just came from the jail.

Jim, it's just a card I've come to talk to
you about.

Mrs. Loud has dropped this in my lap,
so I'm leaving it in your capable hands.

Uh, sir, did anybody tell you it's up to
like to point?

Hello.

The store's getting a
new insurance provider,

so all the employees
have to get a physical.

Oh, my God.

Everybody?

Yeah.

That's why I've been working out.

The best part is I get to wear all these
fun outfits.

Oh, if you're gonna wear
them public, it's a good

thing you're making
yourself faster and stronger.

I'd recommend working out a little
yourself.

Those who don't pass this physical lose
their health benefits.

But I've already had a physical,
I mean, in high school.

But I'm a lot healthier now, I'll bet.

I mean, I don't get beat up, and I swallow
a lot less toilet water.

You'd beg for toilet water if you knew
what Mimi was putting in your coffee.

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta pick up some
plums on the way home.

Oh, look at you.

You're a little person, too.

All this energy calling me Back where it
comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little
chicks with their grims and lips go

Cleveland Rocks,
Cleveland Rocks Living in sin

with a safe, deep in gun
Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Rocks Cool, I've had the ice cream in my
lap so long, it's frozen my crotch.

You better find some way to defrost it
before you do permanent damage, you idiot.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm gonna keep it
frozen.

So mine stays young and smooth while yours
gets old and wrinkly.

Maybe not.

More on...

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm not freezing my penis,
that's for sure.

I never get the answer I think I'm gonna
get.

See you later.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

You look great.

Thanks.

Nice dress, champagne.

Hey, that's not just deodorant you're
wearing.

That's deodorant for women.

What's going on?

Okay, Louis, there's something I've been
dying to tell you.

But you can't tell Oswald, because it
would really make him jealous.

Okay, you don't have to say any more.

Louis.

Shh, no words.

Louis!

Harder, I've been a bad janitor.

Would you knock it off?

It's not you.

I think I'm in love with Drew.

What?

Really?

You and Drew?

Okay, wait, let me process this.

Holy crap!

It was at our high school
reunion, I overheard Drew

telling someone how he
felt about me all these years.

And I just realized the perfect guy was
right here all along.

Well, what do you think?

Do you think it worked out, Drew and me?

Well, I hope so.

If it doesn't, you're gonna lose the best
friend you ever had.

He's loved you all his life.

This will crush him.

He might never recover.

Oh, here he is.

I'm gonna tell him the good news.

Hey, Louis, hey, Kate.

What's with the champagne and the fancy
clothes?

Um, I was visiting my great-grandmother in
the nursing home.

She thinks I'm Grace Kelly.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, what are you doing upstairs?

I was using your blow-dryer to defrost my
crotch.

Well, you just bought yourself a blow
-dryer, mister.

Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a serious
question?

Do I look healthy?

I know you sound healthy.

I can hear you breathing from here.

What's wrong?

Do you feel it okay?

Yeah, but they're changing health plans at
work, so we have to take a physical.

And if you don't pass it, you lose your
benefits.

So, take the physical.

No.

I don't like doctors.

Always poking at you with needles and
stuff, and then they put all those rubber

gloves and go at you like you're a jar of
olives.

But that seems like a small price to pay
to find out if anything's wrong with you.

Well, why go looking for trouble?

Why check under the hood
as long as you're running

fine and you're not leaving
a stain in the driveway?

It's not that bad, Drew.

I had a physical last month.

Everything turned out fine.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Hey, at least hear it first.

Nobody objected.

Oh.

Well, what I was thinking was,
you got a new health care plan,

you got a new doctor, he doesn't know what
you look like.

Lewis can take the physical for you.

Why are you looking at me approvingly?

Because I'm proud of you.

I just added the word savant to your
title.

So, what do you think, Lewis?

You up for it?

Me prostate, a suprostate.

I don't believe this.

You're taking advice from Oswald,
the man who swallowed a sponge,

to soak up beer, so he wouldn't get drunk.

Did I get drunk?

We had to take you to the hospital.

You were legally dead for two minutes.

Did I get drunk?

Okay, that covers just about everything,
Mr. Carey.

Really?

That's it?

Well, I wasn't nearly as invasive as I
was.

I was not hooked.

Feared.

See you.

Just a minute, that's not all.

You're in great physical
shape, but you need to

go down to room 216
for the psychological test.

What?

I didn't know about that.

Does the prospect of a psychological test
scare you?

Scare me?

People have been telling me I'm nuts since
the day I was born.

It'd be nice to finally settle this thing
once and for all.

Mr. Carey, don't you want to put your
clothes on?

Nope.

And maybe these experts can finally tell
me why.

Hey, Jer, how you doing?

Great.

Taking my physical as we speak.

Hey, if you guys actually get away with
this, I'm sending Lewis to my gynecologist.

Uh, it's a long story, but it wouldn't be
his first time.

Hey, I need to ask you a favor.

I want to ask that new temp out.

So, can you walk over with me and say
something like, I'm breaking up with you,

Drew.

I'm sick of your huge thing and all your
money.

You're kidding me.

Her?

You like her?

Yeah, what's wrong with her?

Oh, please.

Her waist is too small.

Her breasts are too big.

She's all out of proportion.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Kate.

For a second, they almost had me a small,
wasted, big-breasted woman.

I really dodged a bullet here.

Plenty to do this or what?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, we do this kind of stuff for each
other all the time.

I just don't feel comfortable doing it
anymore.

Well, fine.

Then I'm not gonna help you out of your
bad dates anymore.

Say goodbye to your jealous lesbian lover.

Hey.

Who's that woman Drew's talking to?

I don't know.

Some disease-ridden skank.

Really?

Does she have a friend?

I can't do this.

I can't keep hiding my feelings.

What if this works out?

What if he's got skank fever?

So how'd it go?

Ah, she shot me down.

She's into group sex, amateur porn,
but she won't go have coffee with me

because she's afraid of what people might
think.

Whatever happened to the simple,
honest, I've got mace in my purse,

you skinny freak.

So how'd my physical go?

Great.

You're as healthy as a horse.

All right.

But the psychological exam could go either
way.

Psychological exam?

Are you sure my heart's okay because I'm
feeling a little bit of chest pains?

Hello, Carrie.

We, uh, just got the results of your,
uh, tests.

And although I do need to talk with you,
everything turned out fine.

Perfect.

In fact, absolutely perfect.

That's really good, then.

So everything's fine.

Even the, uh, cholesterol?

Yes, yes.

The cholesterol's wonderful.

Perfectly sane.

Not crazy at all.

Excuse me?

Don't make pants out of my skin!

Hey, what did you do on that test?

I just tried to answer the way you would
have answered.

You know, a guy stuck in a
dead-end job who sometimes

gets so frustrated he
wants the whole world to pay.

Oh, my God!

Hey, what's the big problem?

I thought I did especially well on the
essay questions.

Well, that's it.

They're gonna put me away.

They're gonna put me
away in a big ending and

it's gonna smother me
with this piece of paper.

Hello.

Don't worry.

I knew enough not to
say too much on those, so

I just answered every
question with a question.

See, when they asked,
have you ever thought about

burning down the store,
I said, what do you think?

See, how could they possibly draw any
conclusions from that?

What was, what the hell was wrong with
you?

What do you think?

It's crazy, Carrie.

Hey, guys.

Hello?

Damn it!

This is it!

Get the deck!

Come on, you guys.

I don't want everyone I work with cowering
in fear every time... Did I say get up?

Okay, get up.

Freeze!

Okay, hop away.

Sir, are you using Mimi as a human shield?

No.

Yes.

There you go.

I'll need these cross-referenced by date.

Uh, I don't know, sir.

That's an awful lot of work for someone in
my condition.

Yes, you're right.

There you go, Mimi.

I'll need these by five o'clock.

Why are we molly cuddling the psycho?

Just fire his loony behind.

He's crazy.

You got it in writing.

I can't.

There are laws in this country against
firing people who are crazy.

Laws, laws, laws.

You can't fire the crazy person.

You can't spank other people's children
even though they deserve it.

That got to free my ass.

Kerry, I do have another piece of good
news.

Mrs. Louder has arranged for you to meet
her new friend.

His name is Dr. Zimmerman.

And he'll make you all better from the
tips of your toes to the top of the

tinfoil hat you people wear to keep out
demons.

Sir, I don't need a shrink.

One of my personalities is a psychiatrist.

I'll get in touch with him right now.

Uh... Oh!

That's something for Thursday.

I'm afraid you have no choice.

If you refuse treatment, we can fire you.

They can fire you.

I love you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thanks.

Now, I understand you've never been to a
therapist before, so what we'll be doing

is talking about whatever's
on your mind and trying

to find the key to what's
been troubling you.

Unlock.

Darkness.

Bed.

Mommy on top of Daddy.

No, Mommy, don't!

Mommy's not hurting Daddy.

Mommy's loving Daddy.

Close door.

All cured.

Thanks, Doc.

Good job, Mr. Carey.

All right, bring out
the ink blots, but I'll

tell you right now, they're
all gonna be vaginas.

Now, about your written
test, when asked to

describe yourself, you put
hatred shaped like a man.

One guy sticks his hand
up your butt, and the

other guy asks you how
you describe yourself.

What do you want?

Just one more question.

Why is it when you took your physical you
were?

Six foot, five inches tall?

Hey, you're the doctor.

I don't think you took this test,
Mr. Carey.

It's all right.

Everything you say in this office is
confidential.

Oh, all right.

Okay, you got me.

A friend took the
physical for me, but I didn't

know it was gonna be
a psychological test, too.

Your friend is a very disturbed
individual.

He was only writing down things he thought
it would...

Yeah, you know, he scares me, too.

Well, you'll have to take the physical
yourself.

But why did you do this in the first
place?

I just don't like taking physicals.

If I had it in summer, I was gonna lose
all my benefits.

You know, Mr. Carey, running away from your
fears is not a good way to go through life.

Well, if I didn't run for my fears,
I'd never get any exercise, would I?

Mr. Carey, if you'd like to talk about
your self-esteem issues...

I don't have any self-esteem.

Hey, where'd you get these ink blocks on
my mom making fun of me?

Kate!

Boy, am I glad you're here.

I'm glad to see you, too.

Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

All right.

Here, have a beer.

Thanks.

So, how's it going?

I'm doing the best that I can do,
and that's all anyone can expect.

What's that?

My therapist gave this to me.

Every time I do something good for me,
I get myself a little pat on the back.

That was a good explanation, Drew.

So, how'd it go with the therapist?

Great.

You know, it's been all I have to do to
talk about my relationships.

That's exactly the kind of thing I've been
thinking about.

I mean, I always go for the wrong guy.

My therapist said the same thing about me
and women.

I think I'm ready to change all that.

Yeah, me too.

My therapist said that
there's a special someone right

under my nose that I should
start paying more attention to.

Really?

Yep.

Drew Carey.

What do you mean, Drew?

My therapist said that
I should learn to take

some time out and
learn how to love myself.

That makes sense.

And I should stay out of relationships
until I do.

Or you could get into a
relationship with someone

that would help you with
positive reinforcement.

Would you stop with that hand?

No, I think Dr. Zinneman is right.

If I don't do something
about this, I'm just gonna keep

repeating the same mistakes
over and over and over.

Well...

I mean, you do want to be healthy for your
next relationship because who knows,

it could be the one.

How long do you think something like this
might take?

It could be a week, it could be a year.

Like the doctor says, it's one teardrop at
a time.

Well, I hope it doesn't take
long, because I have a feeling

there's someone out there
who's just dying to be with you.

Thanks, Kate.

Well, here's hoping she's easy.

Chances are she's
heard that kind of thing

all her life and is a
little sensitive to it.

Well, if she's that much trouble,
she can go to hell, right, buddy?

Okay, cough.

It's not so scary getting to physical when
you bring your buddy, is it, Drew?

Oh, Doug, aren't those supposed to be the
same size?

Close enough.

Bend over, Mr. Carey.

Come on.

Drew's got a girlfriend.

Mr. Harvey, would you get out of here?

Okay, all right.

Drew and the doctor sitting in a tree.

P -R-O-B-I-N-G.

Out!