Original subtitles

Sorry, you put Vaseline all over my seat.

Well, I hope you sent him flowers.

Oh, very good, Mimi.

What do you think, because you put Vaseline on my chick?

All right, that's it.

I'm calling Mr. Wick.

I didn't do it, Pig.

I swear it.

But now that you're all greased up, why don't you run

around to office and whoever catches you wins a pie?

Well, if you didn't do it, then who did?

I did it.

You?

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Doreen, I told you I didn't want you dressing like me.

I want to be your Mimi Mimi again.

Dressing like you gave me courage.

It made me special.

And men like taking it off even more than I like putting it on.

Take me back.

I don't know.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Come here, you.

Man, it's like a phone commercial from another dimension.

Carrie, we need to talk business.

It's a nice outfit, sir.

You know, so few people can pull it off.

Thank you.

I just came from the jail.

Jim, it's just a card I've come to talk to you about.

Mrs. Loud has dropped this in my lap, so I'm leaving it in your capable hands.

Uh, sir, did anybody tell you it's up to like to point?

Hello.

The store's getting a new insurance provider,

so all the employees have to get a physical.

Oh, my God.

Everybody?

Yeah.

That's why I've been working out.

The best part is I get to wear all these fun outfits.

Oh, if you're gonna wear them public, it's a good

thing you're making yourself faster and stronger.

I'd recommend working out a little yourself.

Those who don't pass this physical lose their health benefits.

But I've already had a physical, I mean, in high school.

But I'm a lot healthier now, I'll bet.

I mean, I don't get beat up, and I swallow a lot less toilet water.

You'd beg for toilet water if you knew what Mimi was putting in your coffee.

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta pick up some plums on the way home.

Oh, look at you.

You're a little person, too.

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little chicks with their grims and lips go

Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks Living in sin

with a safe, deep in gun Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Rocks Cool, I've had the ice cream in my lap so long, it's frozen my crotch.

You better find some way to defrost it before you do permanent damage, you idiot.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm gonna keep it frozen.

So mine stays young and smooth while yours gets old and wrinkly.

Maybe not.

More on...

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm not freezing my penis, that's for sure.

I never get the answer I think I'm gonna get.

See you later.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

You look great.

Thanks.

Nice dress, champagne.

Hey, that's not just deodorant you're wearing.

That's deodorant for women.

What's going on?

Okay, Louis, there's something I've been dying to tell you.

But you can't tell Oswald, because it would really make him jealous.

Okay, you don't have to say any more.

Louis.

Shh, no words.

Louis!

Harder, I've been a bad janitor.

Would you knock it off?

It's not you.

I think I'm in love with Drew.

What?

Really?

You and Drew?

Okay, wait, let me process this.

Holy crap!

It was at our high school reunion, I overheard Drew

telling someone how he felt about me all these years.

And I just realized the perfect guy was right here all along.

Well, what do you think?

Do you think it worked out, Drew and me?

Well, I hope so.

If it doesn't, you're gonna lose the best friend you ever had.

He's loved you all his life.

This will crush him.

He might never recover.

Oh, here he is.

I'm gonna tell him the good news.

Hey, Louis, hey, Kate.

What's with the champagne and the fancy clothes?

Um, I was visiting my great-grandmother in the nursing home.

She thinks I'm Grace Kelly.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, what are you doing upstairs?

I was using your blow-dryer to defrost my crotch.

Well, you just bought yourself a blow -dryer, mister.

Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a serious question?

Do I look healthy?

I know you sound healthy.

I can hear you breathing from here.

What's wrong?

Do you feel it okay?

Yeah, but they're changing health plans at work, so we have to take a physical.

And if you don't pass it, you lose your benefits.

So, take the physical.

No.

I don't like doctors.

Always poking at you with needles and stuff, and then they put all those rubber

gloves and go at you like you're a jar of olives.

But that seems like a small price to pay to find out if anything's wrong with you.

Well, why go looking for trouble?

Why check under the hood as long as you're running

fine and you're not leaving a stain in the driveway?

It's not that bad, Drew.

I had a physical last month.

Everything turned out fine.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Hey, at least hear it first.

Nobody objected.

Oh.

Well, what I was thinking was, you got a new health care plan,

you got a new doctor, he doesn't know what you look like.

Lewis can take the physical for you.

Why are you looking at me approvingly?

Because I'm proud of you.

I just added the word savant to your title.

So, what do you think, Lewis?

You up for it?

Me prostate, a suprostate.

I don't believe this.

You're taking advice from Oswald, the man who swallowed a sponge,

to soak up beer, so he wouldn't get drunk.

Did I get drunk?

We had to take you to the hospital.

You were legally dead for two minutes.

Did I get drunk?

Okay, that covers just about everything, Mr. Carey.

Really?

That's it?

Well, I wasn't nearly as invasive as I was.

I was not hooked.

Feared.

See you.

Just a minute, that's not all.

You're in great physical shape, but you need to

go down to room 216 for the psychological test.

What?

I didn't know about that.

Does the prospect of a psychological test scare you?

Scare me?

People have been telling me I'm nuts since the day I was born.

It'd be nice to finally settle this thing once and for all.

Mr. Carey, don't you want to put your clothes on?

Nope.

And maybe these experts can finally tell me why.

Hey, Jer, how you doing?

Great.

Taking my physical as we speak.

Hey, if you guys actually get away with this, I'm sending Lewis to my gynecologist.

Uh, it's a long story, but it wouldn't be his first time.

Hey, I need to ask you a favor.

I want to ask that new temp out.

So, can you walk over with me and say something like, I'm breaking up with you,

Drew.

I'm sick of your huge thing and all your money.

You're kidding me.

Her?

You like her?

Yeah, what's wrong with her?

Oh, please.

Her waist is too small.

Her breasts are too big.

She's all out of proportion.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Kate.

For a second, they almost had me a small, wasted, big-breasted woman.

I really dodged a bullet here.

Plenty to do this or what?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, we do this kind of stuff for each other all the time.

I just don't feel comfortable doing it anymore.

Well, fine.

Then I'm not gonna help you out of your bad dates anymore.

Say goodbye to your jealous lesbian lover.

Hey.

Who's that woman Drew's talking to?

I don't know.

Some disease-ridden skank.

Really?

Does she have a friend?

I can't do this.

I can't keep hiding my feelings.

What if this works out?

What if he's got skank fever?

So how'd it go?

Ah, she shot me down.

She's into group sex, amateur porn, but she won't go have coffee with me

because she's afraid of what people might think.

Whatever happened to the simple, honest, I've got mace in my purse,

you skinny freak.

So how'd my physical go?

Great.

You're as healthy as a horse.

All right.

But the psychological exam could go either way.

Psychological exam?

Are you sure my heart's okay because I'm feeling a little bit of chest pains?

Hello, Carrie.

We, uh, just got the results of your, uh, tests.

And although I do need to talk with you, everything turned out fine.

Perfect.

In fact, absolutely perfect.

That's really good, then.

So everything's fine.

Even the, uh, cholesterol?

Yes, yes.

The cholesterol's wonderful.

Perfectly sane.

Not crazy at all.

Excuse me?

Don't make pants out of my skin!

Hey, what did you do on that test?

I just tried to answer the way you would have answered.

You know, a guy stuck in a dead-end job who sometimes

gets so frustrated he wants the whole world to pay.

Oh, my God!

Hey, what's the big problem?

I thought I did especially well on the essay questions.

Well, that's it.

They're gonna put me away.

They're gonna put me away in a big ending and

it's gonna smother me with this piece of paper.

Hello.

Don't worry.

I knew enough not to say too much on those, so

I just answered every question with a question.

See, when they asked, have you ever thought about

burning down the store, I said, what do you think?

See, how could they possibly draw any conclusions from that?

What was, what the hell was wrong with you?

What do you think?

It's crazy, Carrie.

Hey, guys.

Hello?

Damn it!

This is it!

Get the deck!

Come on, you guys.

I don't want everyone I work with cowering in fear every time... Did I say get up?

Okay, get up.

Freeze!

Okay, hop away.

Sir, are you using Mimi as a human shield?

No.

Yes.

There you go.

I'll need these cross-referenced by date.

Uh, I don't know, sir.

That's an awful lot of work for someone in my condition.

Yes, you're right.

There you go, Mimi.

I'll need these by five o'clock.

Why are we molly cuddling the psycho?

Just fire his loony behind.

He's crazy.

You got it in writing.

I can't.

There are laws in this country against firing people who are crazy.

Laws, laws, laws.

You can't fire the crazy person.

You can't spank other people's children even though they deserve it.

That got to free my ass.

Kerry, I do have another piece of good news.

Mrs. Louder has arranged for you to meet her new friend.

His name is Dr. Zimmerman.

And he'll make you all better from the tips of your toes to the top of the

tinfoil hat you people wear to keep out demons.

Sir, I don't need a shrink.

One of my personalities is a psychiatrist.

I'll get in touch with him right now.

Uh... Oh!

That's something for Thursday.

I'm afraid you have no choice.

If you refuse treatment, we can fire you.

They can fire you.

I love you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thanks.

Now, I understand you've never been to a therapist before, so what we'll be doing

is talking about whatever's on your mind and trying

to find the key to what's been troubling you.

Unlock.

Darkness.

Bed.

Mommy on top of Daddy.

No, Mommy, don't!

Mommy's not hurting Daddy.

Mommy's loving Daddy.

Close door.

All cured.

Thanks, Doc.

Good job, Mr. Carey.

All right, bring out the ink blots, but I'll

tell you right now, they're all gonna be vaginas.

Now, about your written test, when asked to

describe yourself, you put hatred shaped like a man.

One guy sticks his hand up your butt, and the

other guy asks you how you describe yourself.

What do you want?

Just one more question.

Why is it when you took your physical you were?

Six foot, five inches tall?

Hey, you're the doctor.

I don't think you took this test, Mr. Carey.

It's all right.

Everything you say in this office is confidential.

Oh, all right.

Okay, you got me.

A friend took the physical for me, but I didn't

know it was gonna be a psychological test, too.

Your friend is a very disturbed individual.

He was only writing down things he thought it would...

Yeah, you know, he scares me, too.

Well, you'll have to take the physical yourself.

But why did you do this in the first place?

I just don't like taking physicals.

If I had it in summer, I was gonna lose all my benefits.

You know, Mr. Carey, running away from your fears is not a good way to go through life.

Well, if I didn't run for my fears, I'd never get any exercise, would I?

Mr. Carey, if you'd like to talk about your self-esteem issues...

I don't have any self-esteem.

Hey, where'd you get these ink blocks on my mom making fun of me?

Kate!

Boy, am I glad you're here.

I'm glad to see you, too.

Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

All right.

Here, have a beer.

Thanks.

So, how's it going?

I'm doing the best that I can do, and that's all anyone can expect.

What's that?

My therapist gave this to me.

Every time I do something good for me, I get myself a little pat on the back.

That was a good explanation, Drew.

So, how'd it go with the therapist?

Great.

You know, it's been all I have to do to talk about my relationships.

That's exactly the kind of thing I've been thinking about.

I mean, I always go for the wrong guy.

My therapist said the same thing about me and women.

I think I'm ready to change all that.

Yeah, me too.

My therapist said that there's a special someone right

under my nose that I should start paying more attention to.

Really?

Yep.

Drew Carey.

What do you mean, Drew?

My therapist said that I should learn to take

some time out and learn how to love myself.

That makes sense.

And I should stay out of relationships until I do.

Or you could get into a relationship with someone

that would help you with positive reinforcement.

Would you stop with that hand?

No, I think Dr. Zinneman is right.

If I don't do something about this, I'm just gonna keep

repeating the same mistakes over and over and over.

Well...

I mean, you do want to be healthy for your next relationship because who knows,

it could be the one.

How long do you think something like this might take?

It could be a week, it could be a year.

Like the doctor says, it's one teardrop at a time.

Well, I hope it doesn't take long, because I have a feeling

there's someone out there who's just dying to be with you.

Thanks, Kate.

Well, here's hoping she's easy.

Chances are she's heard that kind of thing

all her life and is a little sensitive to it.

Well, if she's that much trouble, she can go to hell, right, buddy?

Okay, cough.

It's not so scary getting to physical when you bring your buddy, is it, Drew?

Oh, Doug, aren't those supposed to be the same size?

Close enough.

Bend over, Mr. Carey.

Come on.

Drew's got a girlfriend.

Mr. Harvey, would you get out of here?

Okay, all right.

Drew and the doctor sitting in a tree.

P -R-O-B-I-N-G.

Out!