Original subtitles

Excuse me, sir.

I'm gonna need to see what's in the bank.

But I'm the star of the show.

The star?

I always thought it was more of an ensemble show.

All right, buddy.

You got an explanation for this?

Do I?

This is the prize for the Drew Carey Show Zipper Fools contest.

And you can win if you write down all the mistakes we put in tonight's show,

and there are at least 50 of them.

For example, in the show, Oswald is a security guard.

He's a delivery man.

I have an example of a mistake.

I like the Indians, but they're going in the

crapper unless they find another quarterback.

The guy they had last year threw like a girl.

You got that right.

That's what I love about my job.

Talking sports with the guys.

Okay?

You're all done, Steve.

Phil, you're an artist.

You're up, bro.

Hey, Phil, do you think you got some new girlie magazines?

This one was an idea of a turnout.

It's collecting rubber for the war effort.

Drew, I have a rabbi.

Two priests that come in here.

If I won't get new porno for them, why should I for you?

That meatball sandwich has an Italian temper.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like the traditional barber.

Those stylists are so impossibly effecté.

So, what grade are you in, little fella?

I guess it would make me in, uh, 32nd grade.

Give me a mess, Phil.

Our parents are coming for their 45th anniversary party next week.

Well, 45 years.

George is a lucky man.

Hey, look at this.

I found this picture the first time you came in here.

Yeah, you're the customer, Drew.

And you've got a great head.

Nice and square.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're all done, buddy.

Hey, rest of my bangs.

The old heart attack routine.

All

this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's back

where it belongs All our little chicks with their crimson lips go glee-blowing

rocks glee-blowing rocks Living in sin with a safety pin glee-blowing rocks No,

I'm okay.

No, I'll just fill two.

When I was 12, he gave me some manclippings

to tape on for my first shower day in gym.

That's right.

That's how we met.

I recognized my hair on you.

Yeah, fill new people.

I remember when I was a kid, he always told me I was going to be somebody.

When I grew up tonight, I didn't become anybody.

Never mention it again.

Well, at least he went out the way he always wanted to, face down in a pile of hair.

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry I didn't call first.

Can't eat you.

I was involved.

And...

Stop making goofy faces.

I'm not making any... Oh.

So the dance continues.

So really, the anniversary party is not until Friday.

Oh, I know, but I wanted to fly in.

I didn't want to drive with your dad.

He got some coupons.

Every night we had to stay at a Johnny's Rooster Inn.

I've never even heard of a Johnny's Rooster Inn.

I stayed in one once.

It's not as nice as it sounds.

Boy, congratulations on your 45th anniversary, Mrs. Cunningham.

I don't know how you did it.

Well, it's not hard when you're in love and you respect each other.

Besides, my generation was taught that when

you say I do, that's for the rest of your life.

Wow.

Except for Hitler.

Yours is the coolest generation.

Thank you.

Well, don't you kids worry.

I'm sure that you will be celebrating your 45th anniversary, too.

And I'm sure that poor Louis will be invited.

Not yet, but don't go anywhere.

I hope I'm not keeping you off from something.

You look like you're dressed up to go somewhere nice.

Actually, now we're going to a funeral.

I got some bad news.

Phil Radner died a couple days ago.

No!

Oh!

Oh, no!

This is awful!

Poor Phil!

I'm gonna go change, real quick.

I wanna go with you.

Gotta

be weird thinking you're going to lunch with

someone and you wind up going to their funeral.

The closest thing to that I've been through is when I buried my pet possum.

It was fine one minute and then the dog walked in, he rolled over on his back, dead.

You wanna know the scary part?

In the morning, the grave was empty and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.

Boy, I don't know what I'm gonna say to Phil's wife.

Just be gentle and sensitive to her feelings.

Do you remember any of the last things he said?

Yeah, it was a joke.

Something about a priest reading pornography.

Tell me that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, where'd you get the beer?

From the O'Toole wake two doors down.

Boy, those guys sure know how to die.

Nice.

When I go, I wanna invite all the guys who ever turned me down, lock the doors and

burn down the building while a tape in my voice says, you're going out with me now.

Foolish mortals.

I'm in a drug court trial group for a new pill that lets you live 300 years.

A few losers get a placebo, but the people they

want around for a long time get the real thing.

You wanna try one?

They're real sugary.

Oh, yeah.

I guess you're gonna see it before all the good ones you're taking.

Unbelievable.

I'm wearing the same dress as the widow.

But only one of us is carrying it off.

Hey, Pig, as long as we're here, would you mind posing in a coffin?

I wanna get a picture for my hope chest.

All right, well, I'm gonna go drain the lizard.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

She practically kissed a dead guy.

Why would she do that?

Maybe it's part of some freaky scavenger hunt.

Did

you check out the look between Phil's wife and Drew's mom?

Maybe you're right, something weird's going on there.

Didn't she say that she sees him every time she comes here to a new place?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I hate to say it, but I think

Drew's mom's been having an affair with Phil.

That's what all those lunches were about.

Oh, this has been such a stressful morning.

You know, when this is over, would one of you like to have lunch with me?

No way.

Morning.

You're fired.

Morning.

It's time for our annual blood drive, and we don't want to

lose out to any of the other department stores this year.

Plus, if we win, I get a $2,000 bonus.

Yeah, yeah, blood, the gift of life.

Why should I care?

I'll split the money with you.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Let's get pricking.

Oh, my words.

Thanks for ruining another one of my fantasies.

Shut up and give me your blood.

Oh!

Oh, does that hurt?

Yeah.

Does this hurt?

Clear it!

Hey, guys, you ready for lunch?

Drew, before we go, there's something we gotta talk about.

How often did your mom see Phil?

Well, I don't know.

Whenever she came up from Florida, maybe five, six times a year.

Six times a year?

She's insatiable.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'll put this as delicately as I know how, Andrew.

We think that Barbara was slamming it to your mom.

What?

We saw her at the funeral.

She was almost in tears.

She and the widow shot each other daggers, and she kissed Phil.

Not only that, she was the last to leave.

My mom and the barber?

Well, there's no way.

All she ever did was drop a saw off and... Okay.

You're all done, Steve.

Why so quiet today, Drew?

I had to go shopping with my mom at that stupid one for the ladder store.

I was stuck there for two hours.

Never again.

So, boys, I'm done shopping.

We're all done here, Mrs. Carey.

Look, Mom.

Ta-da!

Are you making fun of the way I try on clothes, Steve?

No.

I love the way you try on clothes.

That's my boy.

All right, boys.

Your mom has to pay me, so why don't you go over to the arcade and play Space Invaders?

If you get hungry, get yourself a burger.

Thanks!

That's why they went in the back room.

Well, I'm not surprised, Drew.

A woman's sex drive doesn't diminish over time like a man's.

Let me tell you something about your mom's hormones.

Oh, oh, oh!

Bless!

Why?

There she is.

One woman I thought would never lie to me.

Eight-two, Mommy.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

You think you know your own mother.

Drew, the woman married younger back then.

She probably didn't get to experience life much before having a family, and she just

wanted to see what it was like to, um, park another car in the garage.

You know, calling it a garage really isn't helping anything.

Well, I can't tell you what to do, but personally, I'd stay out of it.

Well, I'm gonna hit the sack.

Night.

Night.

Hi, honey.

I fixed a nice meatloaf for your dinner.

Thanks.

And I have baked about a hundred peanut butter

cookies for the anniversary party tomorrow night.

You know how much your father likes them.

But then I've never met a man who didn't like my cookies.

Great.

I already lost a garage, now I lost cookies.

Oh, a july from work called to remind you of a breakfast meeting tomorrow.

She sounded very sweet.

She's in accounting.

We're just friends.

Drew, listen to your mother.

I think I know a little bit more about relationships than you do.

Lord knows I'm not perfect.

But then being married for 45 years is nothing to sneeze at.

But you did, Mom.

You sneezed all over it.

What?

I know what you've been doing at your lunches.

The gang saw you kissing Phil at the funeral.

And I remembered a few things from when I was a kid.

Oh, Drew.

You don't understand.

How could you do this to Dad?

Does he know about this?

All this time, he's out waiting in the car listening to Paul

Harvey while you're inside finishing the rest of the story.

I don't want to talk about it.

Turkey meatloaf.

There's nothing as it seems.

It's vacation day for every pint of blood that you give.

I've got bad news, maybe.

J.C.

Penney's just pulled ahead.

Apparently, they're spurting out blood like none of this business.

Well, my Lord, according to my chart here, everyone's given blood at least twice,

except for you.

What are you, a girly man?

You've seen me run, you've seen me throw a ball.

What do you think?

There's nothing to be afraid of.

We just take a little needle and we find a vein.

Okay, he's out.

Drag him in there, poke him, and I'll drain him.

What is things you've set on a date?

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we just came by for our free flu shots.

We didn't know we had to give a pint of blood first.

Well, how do you think they were gonna make room for the vaccine?

Oh, by the way, uh, the two of you might feel a little lightheaded.

Oh, you would never notice.

Just about time for the graduation party, Drew.

I guess we better get going, huh?

Oh, I feel a little dizzy.

What a rush.

Giving blood rocks.

You know, you guys go ahead.

I'm mad at my mom.

I'm not gonna go.

You listen to me, Drew Carey.

You're being selfish.

Catch me, Oswald.

I'm gonna faint.

Can I get you, buddy?

Hey, mister, can you hear me?

Oswald, put my hand in him.

Be a man!

If you don't go, you're gonna disappoint a lot of people, okay?

Now roll me away dramatically.

Watch my hand.

Watch my hand.

Oh,

no.

Oh, happy anniversary, everybody.

See you at the next one.

You did.

Anyways, I was saying, you can't pick your children.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Get back in there.

No.

Drew, I think we proved throughout our childhood I can make you do or eat anything.

Yeah, I wanted that caterpillar.

This is no way to act at a party.

You know, I don't want to go to a stupid party in the first place.

Well, I didn't want to wear a slip, but I did it for mom and dad.

Come on.

Do me.

Why won't you just come in here?

Mom had an affair with the barber.

Hey, get in here.

Uncle Mike's getting a little touchy -touchy.

Mimi, please.

Guy, talk.

Oh, sorry, princess.

You got it wrong, Drew.

Mom didn't have an affair with Phil.

Look, I didn't want to believe it either.

Would you just stop it?

It was dad.

Dad had an affair with Phil's wife.

What?

That's just crazy.

How do you explain all the time they spent together?

I want all the time out, all the times they went in the

back room, and then when mom dropped us off her haircut.

They were consoling each other.

They got through it and they became friends.

Well, how come you know about this and I don't?

I found out when I was a kid.

I was trying on dresses in mom's closet when I heard them arguing about it.

To this day, I can't wear an A-line skirt without getting a panic attack.

Oh, my God.

So it was dad?

Yeah.

He admitted the whole thing.

They even began talking about divorce and argued over who got you.

They both wanted me?

Yeah.

That bastard.

Doesn't he realize that our mom is a saint?

You know, leaving her alone to raise us all by herself while he's out tomcatting

around, we could have turned out all screwed up.

We were lucky.

But just forget about it, Drew.

It happened 30 years ago.

What the hell are you doing out here?

We're having a party.

If you give a damn about your mother's feelings, you get your keister's in there.

Did you hear that?

Warren Beatty wants us back inside the house.

Drew, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's my voice!

Uh, dad?

What?

Uh, can I have this next dance with mom?

Okay.

If you think what you kids do can be called dancing...

but the rest of your dance card is full.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

What for?

Uh, I know everything.

Why don't you just tell me the truth yesterday?

Hey, everybody!

Look at me!

I'm a walrus!

I didn't want you to lose respect for your father.

Pretty amazing, Mom.

Hey, why do you think he invited Phil's wife to the party?

Oh, made you look.

Y

'all come back now, you hear?