Original subtitles

Jeez, I knew with a head that size, your neck was gonna give out sooner or later.

You're on desk.

You're angry buffalo approach.

Give me a break, will you?

I laid off 38 people today already.

Oh, boo-hoo, cheese wheel.

It's natural selection.

If you don't make yourself indispensable, you're out on the street.

Look at me.

Where are you gonna find another meat?

I don't know.

Since they banned atomic testing, you're probably the last of your kind.

You wanted to see us, Drew?

Uh, yeah.

Listen, the thing is, Fred Lowder's profits

are way down, and I have to lay all of y'all.

I know it's not fair.

You're all honest, decent people.

Your only crime was trusting the store you work for to take care of you.

I'm sorry.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Is this about bonuses?

You're fired!

I'll tell you how bad I feel.

Remember to stop by the men's department on your

way out, show your pink slip, and receive 20% off.

Here's another 20 people I need you to fire.

Enjoy.

Come on, mama needs a better parking space.

Yes, Mr. Wick!

I love you!

You can keep the gum, Mimi.

I'm sorry, sir.

I just got so excited when I saw Carrie's name on the list.

Celebration time, come on!

It's not me, it's my brother.

I can't believe you're making me find my own brother.

It's like something out of the Bible, isn't it, Carrie?

Please, sir, I have to hear it again.

Say he's fired.

All right.

Carrie's fired.

Sorry, Carrie, but those are the rules.

Last hired, first fired.

But if you must keep your brother, feel free to fire the Asian woman in the

wheelchair who's married to the labor lawyer.

Oh, so I guess a cross-dressing white man comes for nothing these days, huh?

Not at all.

They're always still good for a laugh.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Wick?

Any time I'm feeling down.

But actually, I believe you were summoned by your little brother, Drew.

You know, the one you defended from bullies who was always so grateful?

Until now.

I softened him up for you.

So, what can I do for you, little bro?

You know, how they say if you love something, set it free.

I love you, Steve.

Oh, my God.

You're laying me off.

Profits are down.

There's cutbacks all over the store.

I blame the economy.

Things are so good, they're shopping at better places.

I can't afford to get laid off.

I've got rent, food, bills.

Do you have any idea how much stress is this big cost?

I'm really sorry.

If you need money or anything, if I can help you out, let me know.

Well, can you ask my best friend if I can move in with him?

Who's that?

Great.

Only have stockings hanging in my bathroom.

Probably the kitchen, too.

I may float like Audrey Hepburn, but I sweat like Terry Bradshaw.

Day just keeps getting worse for you, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Steve.

I was cleaning up in the attic.

Look what I found.

Your old football jersey and your old cheerleading uniform.

Oh, my transition box.

Drew, check out Steve's great couch.

Isn't it cool?

Just makes me want to lay down on it and receive gentlemen collars.

Oh, add that to Van Shag carpeting and the discarded freezer behind the pick and chop.

Hey, pig.

Anybody here got the hiccups?

No.

Sorry.

No one ordered a frightening.

There's another list of people Mr. Wick wants you to fire.

He said you should call on Sunday because the

rates would be cheaper and it would be funnier.

Crap.

Some of the pages are missing.

It's been here somewhere.

Steve, keep an eye on Mimi.

Don't load up on the furniture.

She thinks she's people.

Wow, look at you.

I've never seen you looking so butch before.

Well, I had to change.

Lewis kept on looking up my dress.

I wouldn't have minded, but he had this look

in his eye that made me very uncomfortable.

Well, I always said you made a pretty good -looking

woman, but you make an even better -looking man.

You make a boy blush?

You know, I always kind of liked you too, Mimi.

Really?

Well, why so shy, you big bald Adonis?

Well, I guess I thought it'd be disloyal to Drew, but...

You want to go out tonight?

Yeah.

That'd be fun.

And not just because it would upset Drew.

You know, we probably shouldn't even tell him.

If Drew knew we were going out, it'd kill him.

Your son didn't make signals here.

Should we tell him or not?

Well, I thought you and I will make plans.

Oh.

Well, okay.

Uh, here's my card.

It's got my home and work number.

And on the back is a list of things I won't do on a date.

There's nothing back here.

Hey,

that smells great.

How come you cook like that for dates, but not for me?

I've already seen you naked.

So, uh, who is this mystery date?

We're not gonna be fighting over, are we?

It's a possibility.

Remember the code.

If there's a bra on the door, don't come in.

If there are two bras on the door, get a room.

There's three bras on the door.

Poker night with your buddies.

If I were you, I'd think about getting a room.

You dog, you.

Still a carry.

So, it's a woman, right?

Yes.

Still a carry.

Born a woman, right?

Yes.

Oh, she's here.

Keep going.

All right, but, uh, I want to hear all the grisly details in the morning.

Remember, you asked.

Mm, if you weren't me, I'd be all over you.

You

are absolutely stunning.

So are you.

Look, I feel kind of stupid.

I thought this was a date.

Well, it is a date.

See the sparklies on my cleavage?

I knew you were a cross-dresser and, I mean, that's fine.

But I thought on a date, since we'd be doing man-woman stuff

and I'd be dressed as a woman, that you'd be dressed as a...

Oh, well, I thought you understood this is who I am.

I'm sorry.

No, my mistake.

So, you never wear guy clothes on a date?

Well, I've worn jeans.

But, you know, the ones with the little zippers on the ankles.

Hey, God knows I'm a free spirit.

I lost my virginity at a carnival.

But I don't think I could be comfortable dating a guy in a dress.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

But, hey, there's no reason why we couldn't just hang out like friends, right?

Oh, what the hell?

I'm feeling bloody.

Well, I'm a little bloated tonight, anyway.

Don't ask.

And maybe later we can catch a chick flick.

Great.

And since we're not trying to impress each

other any longer, can I take these heels off?

Amen.

Let's give the dog some air.

The last hockey game my senior year, we're playing Willoughby South,

30 seconds on the clock in overtime.

I hip-check their goons, steal the puck, score the winning

goal, and still make it to Lane Bryant's Moonlight Madness sale.

Oh, we missed the movie.

Oh, I'm not missing it.

Me neither.

Can I get you some more coffee?

No, I'm fine.

Thanks.

Whoops.

I'm naked.

Can I try some of that?

Oh, sure.

What

are you doing in the backyard?

Oh!

Steve must be filling up with his date.

Probably a raccoon.

That's a lot of vomit for a raccoon.

Steve was kissing Mimi.

With his face.

Against her face.

With their lips.

I know what kissing is.

What did Steve say about it?

I didn't stay to find out.

I went to the first search I could find and I asked the priest who was okay for me

to hate my brother because he was dating my enemy.

He told me to get out and take my empties with me.

What are you gonna do?

I don't think you should do anything.

I think you should encourage their love because they sure make funny babies.

I gotta put a stop to this.

It's just wrong.

Can't, Drew.

If Steve wants to date Mimi, he's gonna date her.

I'd like to think that for every sort of man, there's a sort of woman.

Drew, why is it so hard for you to accept that Steve might just actually like her?

Look, I believe that we'll all live in space someday.

I believe there's an angel that watches over every one of us.

I believe that someday I'm even gonna go hiking.

Well, there's no way I can believe that Steve is attracted to Mimi.

In fact, I forbid it.

It's just gonna make him want to see Mimi even more.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Remember when that guidance counselor told us about the evils of drinking?

For Mr. Herdney.

Mr. Herdney.

Please be having sex with another man in a dress.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Drew?

What are you doing home so early?

Home?

This isn't my home.

This is the place where the horrifying incident happened.

I'm sorry.

We didn't plan for that to happen.

You know, I saw you two kissing the other night.

I didn't even say anything, because I thought it would go away.

No, I meant messing up your kitchen.

One thing led to another.

We started out on the couch.

Could

you do this to me?

With Mimi, and in the room where I keep my perishables.

Well, well, well.

Piggis interrupt us.

Drew saw us kissing the other night.

So you were the sick raccoon?

And you scavengers had more respect for their bodies than to eat crap like that.

You know, Steve, there's a hundred million women in this country.

Why couldn't you have picked one?

Hey, I'll thank you not to talk that way in front of my lady.

Yeah.

I got plenty of bon-mots I could cram up your drain pipe right now.

But I'm dancing on endorphins, so don't let

the door hit your curly tail on the way out.

So I can't talk that way to your lady, but she can talk that way to your brother?

Well, honey, he has a point.

It is his house.

Well, you wouldn't even be here if he hadn't laid you off.

Stand up to him.

What are you, a man or a carry?

Oh, now she's making fun of our family.

What's next, America?

Drew, back off.

I can handle her.

Handle me?

Oh, you can handle me?

Can't we please just go back to your house and finish our date?

Oh, I finished my date.

I was just helping you finish yours.

So, you gay yet?

Steve, home.

He's still on the couch.

Can't have to step out of this.

You haven't been out of the house in a week.

A broken heart knows no calendar.

God's sake, be a man about this.

Go upstairs, Shay, put some makeup on and get on with your life.

Oh, you think makeup will make me feel better?

Well, gee, maybe you're right.

There!

You happy now?

Laugh, clown, laugh!

I'm sorry, Drew.

I know I'm a mess.

I just miss Mimi.

Look, it's... not even on straight.

She's like no other woman I've ever known.

She's honest.

She doesn't give a damn about what people

think, and she makes me feel good about myself.

Do you know what she said just before we made love?

No one can hear you scream.

She said, underneath that dress, you're all man.

Well, I hope you return the compliment.

Oh, so that's what happened to baby Jane.

I'm sorry.

Sharon, what's up?

Steve hired me to black out the windows in his bedroom.

Well, I've got no sunshine in my life.

I should have no sunshine in my room.

Look, if your dad broke up about Mimi, just call him.

You're right.

But Drew and Mimi still hate each other, so it's just so bliss.

I'm trying to cheer him up.

What the hell did your parents do to you two?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I need to keep busy.

I need to keep my mind off Steve.

Either I work or I need someone to talk to about my love life.

There, reorganize them, and when you're done with that, paint the store.

You know how I am about men.

I mean, I could just love them and leave them.

But this guy's different.

Will it make me look less attractive?

Yes.

Oh, let me finish!

Will it make me look less attractive if I call and apologize about a fight we have?

I'll tell you what's unattractive.

This new Mimi that's paralyzed by fear.

What happened to that go-getter that went out there and

grabbed life by the arse with both hands and pulled it close?

Don't just talk about it.

Do it.

Get your groove back, Stella.

Mimi, I'd like to talk to you for a second.

Yeah, what's with the tape recorder?

All I knew, if we talked face-to-face, there'd be a fight.

So I went to the Warsaw last night and I put

all my feelings down on this cassette tape.

Just give it a listen.

I'm sure it'll speak for itself.

Hello?

Mimi?

Mimi?

Hey, listen.

The idea, you know, of my brother and you together, you know, it makes me sick.

But, you know, it makes him happy.

Then, you know, I'm asking you, please, get back together with my brother.

Because he really, he really misses you.

Hey, can I have some more tequila over here?

Oh,

no, all right, all right.

After that, I got a little sloppy, but I get the point.

Well, if he misses me so much, how come he hasn't called me?

Same reason you haven't called him.

You're both stubborn, ugly women.

You see, that's the problem right there.

It's not Steve and I.

We get along just fine if it wasn't for you.

You're the problem.

I'm the problem?

What do you want me to do, put a bullet in my hand?

Oh, well, I wouldn't ask for me, but, you know, we mean a lot to Steve.

Look, here's the deal.

My brother is the most important person in my life and

I would do anything to make him happy, including this.

You go ahead and date Steve and we're all around him.

We'll keep it together for his sake.

Okay.

And when we're not around him, like, say right now, then I could say

things like, well, I know why your penis never grew.

It was in the shade all the time.

And I could say, for example, boy, those

Clydesdale's surely some big, colorful droppings.

And I could say... You made me think, uh, you're here.

Are you gonna come down on you later with the hammer, a god?

Are you two fighting again?

Oh, no, we made our piece.

Look, I'm stepping out of this.

You want to date her fine.

You have my blessings.

Thanks, bro.

And if there's anything I can ever do for you...

Yeah, you can have the couch professionally cleaned.

Well, if you two can make up, I guess we've got a chance.

Of course we do.

I can never stay mad at you, you crazy bitch.

Oh, look at that.

If this were a video, I'd return it.

And... Got some more beer.

Ah, great.

Super realty, about five minutes.

So when's Drew getting the couch back?

Priest says you never know with an exorcism.

Uh, Oswald, are you sure Drew wants you to be doing that?

Hey, he said he's never coming in here again.