Original subtitles

Stop it!

Stop it!

Guests who made a jerk out of himself.

You did.

Gee, affordable 10-foot pole.

Why would you carry that around?

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where the little chicks with the grims and limbs go.

Cleveland Rocks.

Cleveland Rocks.

Living in San Francisco.

Cleveland Rocks.

Last day filling in for Mr. Wick Hilarie.

How many times are you gonna ask me that?

Until it stops feeling good.

Last day filling in for Mr. Wick Hilarie.

Whoo!

Well, at least I made it to the top.

You never had your butt kissed by 200 people,

which is ironic because you got the space for it.

Last day filling in for Mr. Wick Hilarie.

Got the rest of your junk on mine.

Boy, you can't burn a flag, but you can do that too.

It doesn't seem right.

Mr. Wick had a hard time in rehab.

I'm just trying to make him feel at home.

You know, if you were gone... if you were gone...

Here, Larry, I packed up those important training

tapes you had in the bottom drawer of your desk.

I don't have any training tape.

Oh, my porno!

Hello, girls.

Morning, everyone.

I'm back.

Thank you, thank you.

This is Winford Louder from Server Eyes.

My God, I harassed those women?

Welcome back, Mr. Wick.

Here, let me give you a nice big salute.

Well, the good news is, at night, we get to fold her up and put her in a box.

We round the old flag here.

Now, I made gifts for everyone in rehab.

Well, everyone who came to visit me.

This is for you, Mimi.

It's called a God's eye.

For some reason, I thought of you.

Nothing says thanks for holding me while I

sweat it and puke like popsicle sticks in yarn.

I'm kidding.

You, more than anyone, were there for me.

I made you this.

It's a cubicle in a bottle.

No, it's me.

Oh, look at the detail.

Look at his face.

He seems to know that that donut will bring him no joy.

And, Larry, how can I thank you for trying to steal my job?

Ah, yes.

With this.

It's a pair of underwear I found frozen to the road.

As you can see, there's little question as to why the gentleman threw them out.

You're a class act, Wick.

By the way, I've been naked on every surface of your office.

Toodles.

Did anybody give you any bad news, Horace Scott?

There is no bad news when you're gone, Mimi.

Good.

Then you haven't heard.

I ran into someone you know down in Bridal Registry.

Guess who's getting married?

Who?

This is so good, I don't want to pull the trigger.

She's someone who dumped you and left you wallowing in a pool of self-pity.

You thought it was Nikki!

Me!

Nikki!

I'm getting married.

I knew she was coming up here.

Crap.

My flowery build-ups.

Nikki!

Hey, Drew.

I almost didn't recognize you.

Boy, your hair's different, you lost all that weight.

I've been picturing a whole other woman begging me to take her back.

You know, I'm sorry I came up here and blurted it out like that.

I was going to tell you about the wedding and then I

chickened out and then Mimi saw me downstairs and...

Well, here I am.

This was a mistake.

No, listen, I was... I was trying to call you anyway.

I mean, of course, I hung up when he answered.

How come you never star 69 me?

That's for when you don't know who it is.

Oh, well, hey, it's been a while.

I mean, I'm over that.

No more thinking with my dialing finger.

Hey, it was nice seeing you.

Have a good wedding and...

Thanks.

You know, I would have invited you.

I just thought it would be incredibly awkward.

You know, like this, but with guests.

I couldn't.

I could go to the wedding of anyone I used to.

I was in love with.

Loved.

Duh.

Duh, you're duh.

Love.

Duh.

Of course, I still love you.

I just love you as a friend.

Duh.

It's really good to see you.

I've really missed you.

In fact, I've missed the whole gang.

I'll see you.

Three, two, one.

Gentlemen, start your blubbering.

Sorry to disappoint you, Mimi, but I can certainly handle this.

Oh, look into my eyes and tell me you don't feel like crying.

It's not a man on earth that can pass that test of me.

I like the idea of putting our Halloween buzz beer into tiny wax bottles.

I think I'm gonna hurl.

Somebody get me a thimble.

I came up with this stupid plan anyway.

You know darn well it was me, mister.

Them tiny fighters.

Oh, no, no, no.

You stay out of this, Miss Katie.

I got at least two ounces of beer in me and I'm ready to kick about this much ass.

You know,

just once I like to come home to fire trucks in front of my house.

Oh, my God.

Nikki sent me an invitation to her wedding.

Oh, you wanna talk about it, buddy?

I can't believe she did this.

I told you I ran into her the other day.

I mean, she was a mess.

You're not gonna go, are you?

I don't know.

You know, it might not be fair to the groom.

I mean, he shouldn't be standing there thinking,

oh, great, there's a guy who's up with my wife.

And then Nikki's bound to make some comparisons.

They might not be flattering.

To him.

Um, once again, you're not gonna go, are you?

Well, she sent me an invitation.

She wouldn't have sent me an invitation if she wanted me to be there.

Drew, it's a courtesy invitation.

Nobody expects you to go.

It's like when you ask who wants the last piece of pizza.

It's not the same thing at all.

They'll be disappointed if I don't show up.

Doug, Drew, we've all been there, okay?

Don't listen to that dumb little voice in

your head that's saying, maybe you should go.

Maybe you should go.

I mean, you gotta be curious to see this guy, right?

You're not helping Oswald.

He's gonna go to this thing.

It's gonna break his heart.

Yeah, yeah, and then you're gonna grab the ring.

You're not gonna want to give it back.

We're gonna have to chase you around the boat.

It's on a boat?

She knows it's on a boat.

Okay, we got invitations, too, but don't worry.

We're not going.

You didn't tell me it was on a boat.

We knew how excited you'd get, okay?

But we're not going to Nikki's wedding without Drew.

I'll take you on a damn boat.

Yeah, well, a wagon ride in the backyard is not a boat.

Well, it's the best I can do.

Well, I want to let him go and get on the boat.

You can look, okay?

You guys are right.

I shouldn't go.

But you should go.

It's about time Oswald saw the world.

I don't know, Drew.

What are you gonna do that night?

Hey, it's two Saturdays from now.

I don't plan that far ahead.

I'm the kind of guy who just picks up the remote and whatever happens, happens.

Yeah, I tell you, I was really surprised that you called Drew.

I mean, you've been coming to that video store for, like, five years.

Well, you know, it's Saturday night and my friends are all, uh, at a function.

And I thought, hey, who better than Margaret to take my mind off, uh,

well, you know, all the things going on in the world.

Jeez, it's kind of crowded in here.

Think we'll get a table?

Nah.

Hey, let's go to a wedding.

Are you okay?

Fine.

Just know we're gonna have to run for the boat.

And then leap from the pier.

Yeah, it was like we were, uh, Simon and Simon for a second there, wasn't it?

I think I'm gonna get a drink.

Drew, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, I thought about it and I didn't want to be a poor sport.

Besides, they'd be insulted if I didn't show up.

Drew, what the hell are you doing here?

Hey, Mrs. Pfeiffer.

Boy, you know, I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Your response card said you weren't coming.

Oh, those crazy neighborhood kids always getting my mail and changing my RSVPs.

I'm sorry, but we have no place for you to sit.

Well, I'll just sit, uh, I'll sit on this trunk over here.

She said, shall I invite him?

I said, sure.

He's not gonna come.

Oswald, get me in with this trunk.

Okay.

Hey, how's the date going?

Couldn't be better.

Come on!

Excuse me, Harvey, just get a seat.

Harvey, excuse me.

If anyone's interested, the bar is open.

Well, unlocked anyway.

Hey, uh, has anybody seen Nicky?

Drew, no.

If it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, I can only

imagine what it must be for the ex -fiancee.

Ex-fiancee?

You two were engaged?

Oh.

Fiancee, friend.

The important thing is, I'm here with you tonight.

Mmm... Margaret?

There's Nicky.

Better, uh, tell her I'm okay with all this stuff.

She's damn doing crazy at our wedding.

Excuse me.

Drew?

I just want to let you know, I've been thinking about this whole thing,

and I'm fine with everything, and I'm really happy for you.

I hope you have a great life.

I told you he was gonna come.

Now, if you'll excuse us, that song only plays so long.

Come here, away.

Okay, great.

Go, go, go.

She dumped ya, didn't she?

It was mutual.

You both hated me, and she's the only one that had the nerve enough to leave.

Attention, attention, everyone.

Once again, may I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Chris Fanjo.

He's even better looking up close.

Which was wearing me like a tux.

Then three days after the wedding, she chops him in the little pieces,

puts him in a box, and mails him to his mother.

Crazy, kids.

Hey there, buddy.

Drew Carey, it's really, really good to meet ya, huh?

Nice to meet you, too.

Really good to meet ya.

Drew works at Winford Louder.

He's an executive.

Wow, hey, that's great.

Chris is in construction.

He's building our house.

Oh, you're building a house all by yourself, huh?

Well, good for you.

Good for you.

That's great.

That's amazing.

I don't think that's so great.

Drew can put a fist in his mouth.

Pretty amazing.

Well, um, nice to meet everybody.

We gotta mingle.

See you later, Drew.

Okay, hey, still great with it.

Well, that was uncomfortable.

Hmm, never sweated vicariously before.

You guys are reading way too much into this.

Frankly, I feel sorry for it.

I mean, talk about your poor man's Drew Carey.

More like your blind man's Drew Carey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast to my Nikki.

You know, we all worry that our little girl is not gonna find the right guy.

She drags home all kinds of losers, characters.

Near Drew Wells.

I mean, near Drew Wells.

Oh, what the hell?

I mean, that guy right over there.

Here's to right choices.

Joke's on him, Drew, because you've seen his daughter's boobies.

If anybody else wants to make a toast, now's the time.

Huh.

No, no, Drew.

No, no, no.

I'd like to make a toast, please.

Look, son, up to now you've been amusing buffoon, but if you step over the line,

I'm gonna kick you so hard we'll have to wait

for your morning ritual to get my boot back.

So by the time I'm done, you wish you had another daughter to give away.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Drew.

I've been trying to tell everybody how happy I am for Nikki and Chris.

I just want to say that I hope that one day I am as happy as they appear to be tonight.

Peace.

Wow.

Well, I'm just a working man, so I'm not really good with words.

But if I could just build on what Drew said, I

wish you all the happiness that Nikki and I share.

And I don't know who it was that wrote, But ah, if empty dreams so please,

love, give me more such nights as these.

Anybody else?

Huh.

No, no, no.

All right, let's turn off the waterworks and continue dancing.

Kaczotski!

Oh,

you know, he actually... All right,

go ahead and say it.

I shouldn't have come to Nikki's wedding.

Oh, no, Drew, I still think you can turn it around.

Hey, they just cut the minister in a closet with the best man.

And guess what?

People are still talking about you.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Drew.

Well, we'll leave you two alone.

I'm gonna use the head.

That's what they call a toilet on a boat.

All right, all right.

I admit it.

I still have some feelings for you.

Really?

What an excellent reason to have not come to my wedding.

Look, you know I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.

I knew that, Drew.

Listen, uh... I have nothing I want to say to you.

And, uh, I couldn't tell you in the office because I was too nervous.

And I couldn't do anything on the boat because it's been too crazy.

But dump that guy!

Come on, come on with me.

It's not too late.

Come on, I got nothing to lose anymore.

I know I'm in a basket now, but I'm not gonna be in a basket forever.

You gotta give me a chance.

Come on.

It's the last chopper on a Saigon, baby.

Come on, let's go, go, go.

Now

I'll tell you the tale of the slightly awkward wedding at sea.

The night was dark as pitch.

350 pounds he was.

A great white.

Little doll's eyes and great big horned rimmed glasses.

And let me tell you a little something about Drew.

He eats, and he swims.

That's all he does.

Except for the swimming part.

He fought that chopper.

Oh, how he fought that chopper all the way up into the sky.

So what happened to him?

They chopped him up, and they put him in that chowder you're eating now.