Original subtitles

Hey, Oswald.

Where's that girl from McKinley?

Go ask her out.

Oh, I don't know.

I wouldn't know what to say.

Hey, come on.

You got an automatic conversation starter, huh?

It's your birthday.

Go get her.

Hey, Kimberly, guess what?

It's my birthday.

Wow.

Happy birthday, Oswald.

Yeah, so, hey, you want to go out tonight?

I got a birthday check for my mom.

So, my little butt head, what does that mean?

Oh, when I was born, I came out backwards, so they thought my butt was my head.

I didn't have oxygen for two whole minutes.

Well, I'm kind of seeing somebody.

Well, I should have thought so.

Oh, look.

It's time for me to back away, grin like an idiot.

Here I go.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, I can't tonight, but next time, maybe, okay?

You know, it's your birthday, so I'll buy that.

She's been after me for months.

That poor little thing.

You should be here any minute.

I can't believe you asked us to meet him here.

I know.

If I was getting dumped by my girlfriend, I'm not sure I'd want an audience.

That's not why we're here.

We're here for support when he tells you that

he's a nine-to-fiver, not a full-time musician.

She's not going to dump it.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll take your better off without her.

And you take... I think I saw her in a porno.

Gee, thanks.

Okay, here we are.

Just a little bit further.

Oh, good idea, pig.

But eventually, she's going to see you.

Who's that?

That's the woman that's propping up the blindfold industry.

Okay.

Here we are.

Where are we?

Darcy, this is my life.

I know exactly what you mean.

Sometimes my life feels like this, too.

I'm not really a full-time musician.

I work days here at Winford Louder.

I was afraid if I told you, you'd think I was boring.

Is that why you dyed your hair back and shaved your beard?

Well, yeah.

That plus, I was tired of people yelling, Oh,

my God, what happened to Kiefer Sutherland?

So, you just assumed that I was some rock and roll groupie who only dates musicians

and thinks the rest of the world is a bunch of pathetic Dilberts?

You mean you're not?

No.

Really?

Well, let me show you around.

This is my desk.

And this is my cubicle.

Open the drawers and see all the people.

Hey, I think I dropped my earring somewhere between here and the elevator,

so I'll be right back.

You're better off without her.

I think I saw her in a porno.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Hey, Drew.

What you doing?

Saying goodnight to a girl I met on the Internet.

Goodnight, honeybee 28.

I know what's going on here, Drew.

You're still hurting over Darcy, but you can't hide out in cyberspace.

Well, I just don't feel like going out right now, okay?

And I gotta tell you, even though I met her online just two hours ago,

I know more about her than women I've dated for months.

That's great.

What's her real name?

I don't know.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, there's the birthday boy.

You ready for your birthday tackle?

What?

Can we do the rest of these some other time?

What's the matter, buddy?

It's because we're not making the choo -choo noises?

No.

It's my mom.

That check she gave me for my birthday bounced.

I'm really sorry, man.

What happened?

Yeah, your mom was always so good with money.

Her partner cleared out their business accounts.

She may lose the hair salon and the bankway for clothes on her house.

Wow.

One of our parents' broke.

It's happening.

The parents are becoming the kids, and the kids are becoming the parents.

But the kids are still kids, and there are no parents.

Ice cream for dinner.

Hey.

You're talking about my mom, you idiot.

I'm sorry.

That was insensitive.

Hey, uh, she had other savings.

What about that money she put away to send you through college?

Nah, she blew that on an RV the week after my SATs.

Hey.

That's crazy.

You'd never do it.

What?

Only a desperate foolhardy loser with no dignity or self-respect... would pass that.

Hey, I think I got something for you.

Lay it on me, big boy.

Okay, look.

There's a product test going on down at drug code.

They need male volunteers to test out women's breast implants.

I could do that.

Do the women mind if you giggle when you touch them?

That is so sad.

No, no.

Look, they implant them in your chest, okay?

And then they take them out later to see how they held up.

Does drug code have any real scientists or is

it just an elaborate game of truth or dare?

And they actually think a guy would do that for any amount of money?

Ten thousand dollars.

Twenty, if you don't mind posing for the drug code calendar.

And it's only temporary?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I'm not gonna do it.

I mean, there must be some other way we can come up.

Why'd they get that money?

Hey, wait a minute.

True, don't you have a life insurance policy through work?

Yeah.

Sorry, I would have felt guilty if you had a... Ready to take you to work.

Hey, listen, I forgot to borrow my car.

Remember to pick me up, okay?

Last time I had to get a ride home from that boiler room guy that has a bumper

sticker on his truck that says, Ask Ass or Ass, no one writes for free.

Well, what's this?

What's what?

The imported beer and the candles.

Is this from your cyber date?

I'll clean that up later.

Come on, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is really interesting.

How far do these computer dates go?

I don't type and tell.

Oh, come on.

I'm really curious.

Okay, this is how it goes.

There's a lot of describing, a lot of role -playing.

It can get very romantic.

So basically you type with one hand?

Yeah.

But we haven't gone that far yet.

Doesn't sound too creepy, does it?

Not creepy, really.

Is patheticide a word?

On the other hand, whatever Honey Bee 28 and Beer Stud 2 decide to do in the

privacy of their own homes is their business, isn't it?

Beer Stud 2?

All right, forget patheticide.

Is weird dork a word?

How about sarcastic bitch?

Is that a word?

Hey, Drew, how you doing?

Gotta go, bye.

Hey, where you going, man?

You just got here.

Oh, yeah, right.

How you doing?

Gotta go, bye.

Why are you wearing a park?

It's almost 60 degrees outside.

I want to.

Wait a second, something's going on here.

Turn to the side.

No!

Oh, my God, dude, you got the breasts.

I had to do it for my mom.

It's only for 31 days.

I don't want to talk about it.

You wear it abroad?

Well, yeah.

They're big.

How big?

I don't want to talk about it.

Can I see them?

No!

Well, let's go to a movie.

You get anything good for your birthday?

You got a couple things.

You know, I should have gone out with you that night.

I broke up with that guy I was seeing, so, um,

you want to go out for a cup of coffee after work?

I can't tonight.

How about in 31 days?

Oh, look, if you're waiting for something to clear up, I'm not interested.

Oh, man.

If you imagine a situation where VD is your good alibi...

Thanks a lot, buddy, but please, don't spread it around, all right?

I don't want everybody knowing I got breasts.

You got breasts?

Hey, everybody, there's a guy here with hooters.

Hey, buddy, let me go buy you a beer, huh?

Hey, you know that girl I've been dating on the Internet?

It's going really great.

Oh, yeah, I've been out of date.

I'd like to read it.

Okay.

Hey, Mamie, I fell behind my, uh, and my paperwork because there's only so

many hours in a day, and I napped through all of them.

I need you to stay late tonight.

I hope you don't think that I'm kissing up, but you suck as store manager.

I'm leaving at five, and if you need anything, you can just email me.

All right, Bobek, this showdown's been a long time coming.

As long as Wix and Rehab, I'm your boss, and you'll do exactly what I say.

Fine.

And I'll go to your girlfriend, Old Lady Louder,

and I'll tell her that you came on to me.

That's great.

My luck, it'll just titillate her, and the three of us will end up flying to Paris.

What's your email address?

You can just send it to honeyb28.

It's at peoplenet.com.

Don't interrupt me tonight, because I'm going to be online.

I've met a man who knows how to talk to a woman.

Uh, move it, clown car.

Shove it, loadsmobile.

Come on, that was a reception he's pushed out about.

You were brushing?

I did not.

That was your need.

I can't believe you tried to cop a field.

Would you talk to him?

Eyes up here, mister.

I just don't get it.

I'm not a girl.

What's your fascination with my breasts?

It's nothing sexual.

We're just curious.

If you had a hand sticking out of your head, we'd want to shake it.

You guys just aren't going to let up until you get a peek, are you?

Well, it would take a lot of tension out of the air.

All right.

But I'm standing up.

I don't want to feel your breath on him.

Okay, ready.

I like him.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd shave him a little.

Are you guys done yet?

Because I'm not doing this again.

Wait, wait!

Lewis was wondering...

We could touch him.

No, please.

Why?

Come on, you touch him, don't you?

Well, sure.

Well, we want to touch him for the same reason.

I mean, you got him.

You're there.

All right.

But here's the deal.

Left hand only, fingertips, no palms, and no honking.

Oh, dog!

I walked in and if I'd stop to get gas.

What's that?

Oh, it's an instant message from Honeybee 28.

It's my date.

Come on, you guys got to get out of here.

Watch the game over at our place.

I'm right behind you, bud.

I don't want to watch a guy having cyber sex.

Besides, I got to get home and rub cocoa butter on my man boobs.

It's for the stretch marks.

Well, that takes care of the heebies, but I still got the geebies.

Hi, Honeybee.

Love the private chat room.

So, how do we start?

I've never done this before.

No, I mean online.

In real life, I've gone all the way three or four times at least.

So, did you dress up?

Well, it's a makeup just for me, huh?

Let's do it someplace dangerous.

I always wanted to have sex at work.

Me too.

Where do you work?

An apartment store?

No way!

That's so cool.

Okay, how about this for starters?

Putting you on your desk.

Covering your toes with whipped cream.

Oh, man, why did it take me so long to meet this guy?

Let's keep the desk, but skip the whipped cream.

Skip the toes and get right to the...

Whoa!

And that's why the lady is a tramp.

Alright, and away we go.

We're wonderful.

So were you.

Can't believe I did that.

In front of my troll dolls.

Beg.

Pardon?

She collects troll dolls.

Honey, me?

Now that we know each other better, could you tell me your real name?

I don't know.

You're not supposed to do that.

Oh, well, it makes him happy.

Just my first name.

M-I...

Hey, Mr. Wick.

Ah, Mimi, thank you for coming.

I made you a little gifty.

It's part of rehab.

God, I want some coke.

This is why you called me here?

There's the bottle of sunshine I ordered.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't mind me.

Get it!

Oh, here, Mr. Wick.

I know you already have visitors.

I'll come back later.

No, no, no, no.

I have to make amends to you, too.

No, it's no need to apologize.

Hello, Miss Boback.

Oh, what is that?

Some old maid joke?

Screw you.

Go to hell.

Well, we do something here in rehab that may help you both.

We learn to express our feelings through interpretive dance.

You two begin stretching, I'll go get the guitar.

I won't leave if you don't.

Fine.

But I'm not stretching.

Good.

Then I'm not losing my lunch.

It's you, isn't it?

What?

Stench.

Stop buying your cologne at the slaughterhouse.

Funny how it smells, bring you back to the childhood, huh, Mimi?

You have a computer, right?

Yeah, but I hardly use it.

My sister's been chasing this guy that she met on the

Internet, and I don't think he's ever going to call again.

But is there some way to track somebody?

No.

I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was... no.

Oh.

She just wanted to say goodbye.

Want to know the truth, Mimi?

Sometimes there's a lot of really good, legitimate reasons why guys don't call back.

Oh, really?

Is that so?

Would you mind typing a list and taping it to

your forehead and shooting a hole through it?

Well, time for another shower.

I want to explain my sudden disappearance.

The time we spent together was...

...special.

And after you, with cream, will never taste as sweet.

Well, I would love to...

Continue our tryst.

I think it's only right.

That I tried to fix my life and put the pieces back together.

I think I've put Hillary through enough already.

Well, that's it.

Goodnight!