Original subtitles

Oh boy, she's a real beaut there, Drew.

Yeah, I was gonna get one for $300, but I

figured, who needs all the bells and whistles?

Listen to that baby hum, huh?

That's the sound of the 21st century right there.

Normal computer startup noise.

You know, it sounds like it's crying.

You didn't expect it to last forever, right?

Hey, listen to me, techno folks.

This thing is brand new.

Maybe that's the way it's supposed to sound.

How come the thing's turning green?

I thought I bought a color monitor.

Green's your color.

Is it also a smell?

Okay, look.

That's Darcy.

Now, remember, I don't work in an office, okay?

I'm just a musician at the Ramada.

Right.

And I'm the same person that I am, except I once won a car on Joker's Wild.

Hey.

Hey, what's in the bag?

Not beer.

Oh.

Actually, we're dying for his hair.

He's trying to look cool when he plays with his band.

You said no one would laugh at me.

You're gonna run that by us.

You said you're gonna run that by them.

Oh, it's true.

I do have a serious question, though.

Yes.

Are you recarpeting the rumpus room, too?

True.

You got a tattoo.

Yeah, it's an accordion.

Cool.

Did it hurt?

No, I can handle the hot water in the rubbing.

A little whiskey's all I needed.

All right.

This should go really quick, because I already premixed the bleach.

You're a very sexy head.

Thanks.

I've been working out.

It takes a lot of guts letting me do this.

It means a lot that you trust me so much.

Okay, it's time to rinse.

Let's go.

Now, now, now, now.

Yes, he's here with me right now.

Do you want to say hello to Daddy?

Hi, Daddy.

This is Antonio.

Woof, woof, woof.

All right, enough of that.

When are you gonna dump your wife?

Oh, she's in the room right now?

Oh, good.

I'll hold.

Wait a minute.

This whole thing is just so wrong, and it's completely immoral.

I don't think that we should...

What?

I do not.

Oh, me and Mr... Mr. Jones.

Now we know.

Hey, Mimi.

What?

Check out the new meat.

Checked out Carrie's meat.

Move along, lady.

We don't serve your kind here.

Yeah, well, giving up a promotion wasn't the dumbest thing you did this month.

Wait a minute.

I know what's going on here.

You went blonde because you're thinking that's my secret.

No, but that's why I grew the goatee.

I'm not gay, Carrie.

But even if I were, I wouldn't look as gay as you.

You know, I really look forward to the day when one

guy can just say to another, Hey, you look great.

Nice head, Carrie.

What's the matter?

People stop laughing at the old one?

I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you over the sound of your hair falling out.

I was beautiful with hair, Carrie.

Back then, there wasn't a whore in town who charged me full price.

Hey, Carrie, come in here.

Look at this.

Just put me down as impressed, Larry.

Somebody's been doing coke in the bathroom.

All right.

Everybody freeze.

You have a trained security officer right here on the scene.

Top to bottom, through the middle, all your fingers.

I'll take over from here.

Hmm.

Interesting.

I have no idea what cocaine tastes like.

Wow.

An employee's doing the Devil's Dandruff at work.

Who do you think it is?

Probably somebody who doesn't call it the Devil's Dandruff.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

Drugs aren't the answer.

Except if the question is, what's not the answer?

The hell are you on?

Chronicly late.

Chronicly late.

Chronicly late.

Always early.

Is that possible?

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Kate.

Look, I got a job interview today.

You know what a good resume looks like, right?

Oh, man.

I got a great one right here.

Hey, I got one, too.

Look at me.

I went to Harvard.

Kate, you can't do that.

Drew, I majored in ethics.

I think I know what I'm doing here.

Hey.

So, how's the new band going?

Let's just say it's not the same without you.

Does that mean better or worse?

It's like comparing apples to a really good band.

We drove by the Romana and said the horn dogs are playing tonight.

Why are you still using our old name?

Hey, I started the band.

I thought of the name.

How much of this is about you guys regretting that you quit?

Oh, a little bit.

Just a little bit.

We don't know what you mean.

Look, I can't get the new guys to leave the band just because you changed your mind.

It's not fair.

Plus, they're good.

All right.

Okay, fine.

I don't know when and I don't know how, but someday you're gonna get punished for this.

Kerry, I need you to personally collect urine from all the employees.

I just hope I'm around to see it.

How do you find the bathroom tested positive for cocaine?

We begin testing the employees immediately.

All the employees?

What's an invasion of privacy?

And it's icky times ten.

What's the problem?

Too good to collect a stranger's urine?

Well, no.

Yeah, you know, as a matter of fact, yeah.

This is an order, Kerry.

Besides, I've arranged for the lab to pick up the samples on Thursday.

Oh, man.

People are gonna freak out around here.

Kerry's gonna be the most hated guy in the store.

Oh, well, don't worry, Jude.

There'll be a pot of something gold at the end of the rainbow.

You know, sir, I just realized I can't collect specimens

from the female employees and we could get sued.

Well, pick a woman.

You're close enough.

After you.

Oh, my God.

Do you have to look?

Yeah.

You feel like a big man now?

Actually, I do.

Take one of those, go in there, do your business.

This is horribly embarrassing.

Aren't you supposed to be watching us or something?

You're gonna have to get your jollies another way, I'm sorry.

Hey, Nora.

Have you ever dated a married guy?

Oh, no.

I would never do such a terrible thing.

Why?

Is there a married man at the store who's been asking about me?

I suppose anything's possible.

You have to dress more provocative.

Plus, I'll spread it around that you put out.

Oh, Mimi, I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.

So here's the story.

I fell for a married guy and I feel really lousy about it, but I can't help myself.

You're better than that, Mimi.

It's degrading and undignified.

Here's my pee.

You're putting it over there.

Now get out of here, Nora.

Your big slut, ya.

You may want to let that breathe a while.

See ya, P-nark.

Hey, I'm not a narc, you know.

I was forced to do this.

Yeah, right, P-nark.

Stop calling me that.

Whoever's next, the great and powerful P -nark will see you now.

I think what you're doing is great.

Really?

Yeah, I, uh... Tom Johnson from Shoes thinks Mr. Wick's policy is right on track.

Do it?

What do you think, I'm wired?

What kind of corporate students do you think I am, man?

How do I know you're not wired?

Good move, Carrie.

Accuse the accuser.

Typical P-nark tactic.

You see, even the biggest fascist in the store thinks this is over the line.

I'm taking my lunch break.

P-nark.

P-nark.

P-nark.

P-nark.

P-nark.

P-nark.

P-nark.

Oh, screw this.

Is that you, Chuck?

You're gonna be really proud of me.

Come in here and look what I'm doing.

Hey, Ken, I thought you were looking for work.

Uh, yeah, I'm just here visiting some friends.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry.

This isn't Katie's copies.

Hi, this is Katie.

I'm sure we did wedding invitations.

And remember, a free stapler with every order.

What are you doing?

You're in a copy shop on a Winford Wilder.

Kate!

Well, I see more of you now than before you quit.

And the best part is, now, when I do this, it's not sexual harassment, I just agree.

Uh, Kate, what a great time to tell Mr. Wick about your new office supply business.

Look, she gets these staplers at half of what we pay for them.

Put me down for a gross.

Oh, Mr. Wick.

Gross.

Thanks, Chuck.

Well, Katie, the lab will be here in a few minutes.

Where are the employee urine specimens?

I dumped them, sir.

The women's and the men's.

What?

Have you lost your mind?

Look, I haven't felt comfortable about this

from the beginning, and I'm drawing a line here.

The whole store supports me.

Fine, then you'll make an excellent example.

I want your specimen ready when the lab arrives in five minutes.

Go get it.

No, sir.

Then you're fired!

Whoa.

For a second there, he almost had a sample.

You can't do that.

It's not fair.

Well, isn't this interesting?

Big Billy Idol doesn't want to take a drug test.

I tell you what, I'll give you 24 hours to change your mind.

I want your pee on my desk tomorrow morning.

Oh, it'll be on your desk.

In a cup.

Oh, it'll be in a cup.

Not my coffee cup.

Oh, it won't be in your coffee cup.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know.

I just don't want to talk like this.

It makes you nervous.

I'm a fool.

Hey, speaking of dirty work, we're the Horn Dogs.

We're going to take a short 20-minute break, and we'll be right back.

Thank you.

Hey, how we sound?

Great.

You've seen that song like you lived it.

I've had some rough jobs, and I worked a few toilets in my day.

I'll be right back next week.

Oh, great.

You're here.

Now we don't have to do the light show.

I didn't know you were still playing here.

Crap.

Okay, we'll see you later.

No, no.

Stick around.

We need the audience.

Hey, I know you.

I interviewed for a job.

What's your name again?

I told you we'd run into people we know here.

Oh, you guys are being kind of shifty here.

What are you doing?

Something you're not supposed to be doing?

Drew, I'm married, and I'd appreciate it if you kept a lid on it.

You're married?

Wow, if you're as hot stuff on the side, what does he have chained up at home?

Honey, why don't you go up to the room?

I'll be right up.

Yeah, unless there's a call from the governor.

Listen, pig, I ain't proud of this, but I really like Ron.

Besides, I'm not the kind of woman who needs to date married men.

God knows I got single guys throwing themselves at me.

You mean after they run out of the bullets and they've already thrown the gun?

Drew, you look so hot with that blonde hair.

It's making me crazy.

Oh, my God, we look like Hanson in 30 years.

Wouldn't it be cool to have looking like backup singers, huh?

Have you guys taken a good look at yourselves?

No, we just did it in the car outside.

Look at yourselves right now.

Oh.

Sorry, Drew.

And the trend was pronounced dead at exactly 905.

Look, guys, Drew is a full-time musician, and he

needs to be surrounded by full-time musicians.

I'm sorry, I can't even look at you two without cracking up.

Excuse me, I gotta go check the surf report.

Hey, uh, I talked to you guys before she gets back.

They want me to get a drug test at work tomorrow.

They're gonna fire me.

So take the test.

Hey, I work hard all day.

I don't do drugs.

Why'd she have to pee in a cup?

I don't know what the big deal is.

One time they turned off my water, I peed in a cup for a week.

You guys a drink or something?

No, no, that's okay.

You mean Ethobec?

Maybe.

Who's asking?

Her boyfriend's wife.

Oh, Mimi's the husky gal over at the water cooler with the yellow hair?

How did you find out?

I found makeup on his collar.

And his jacket.

And his pants.

And his shoes.

And the roof of his car.

Look, lady, I am so sorry.

You should be ashamed of yourself, you homewrecker.

It was all my fault.

Scum.

Garbage.

I deserve that.

Low life, white trash, slut.

Yeah, okay.

I have that coming too.

You have every right to be mad and I feel crappy as hell.

I'll never see your husband again, I swear to God.

Bitch.

Okie dokie.

Painted whore.

Well, I gotta get back to work now.

I'm not done, clown face.

No, no.

I think you're almost finished.

Who are you calling?

Security to pull me off, yeah.

Fine.

If I pull around my husband again, you're gonna look like that without the makeup.

No wonder he cries in his sleep.

All right, Drew.

Dog's ready.

Still wanna do this?

I guess we have no other choice.

Come on, boy.

Betty Ford needs new shoes.

Let's go.

Uh-oh, Drew.

When ribs are outlawed, only outlaws will have ribs.

Does she shoot?

There's no drugs in there.

Mimi, Kerris, stop your yapping.

What is this, a kennel?

No, sir.

I brought in a drug-snipping dog, and as a bonus,

he'll be able to round up all the stray meat.

You're undermining my authority, Kerry.

First, you refused to give me a sample.

Now you're bringing in a drug-snipping dog without my permission.

If you're trying to throw us off your trail, then it won't work.

Get out of here and take that dog with you.

You're fired!

You're through!

You're finished!

Get out and never come back as long as you live!

Everybody stay calm.

I'm gonna find out what he meant by that.

Go away.

I'm very busy.

It's only gonna take a second.

Well, fine.

Make it quick.

I'm in the middle of something.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry I brought in the dog, okay?

I was just trying to find a simple, respectful way to find the drugs.

Have you checked the lobby?

You put me through all this crap for nothing.

You were gonna turn me in and make me lose my job, even

though you knew those drugs in the bathroom were yours.

All right, Kerry.

The way I see it, you have two choices.

Either you can turn me in...

or you can join me.

Come on, Mr. Wick.

No, it's a fabulous life, Kerry.

You stay up all night.

You'll lose weight.

You'll meet scary, interesting people.

Granted, you'll lose all your friends, spend all your

money, and probably die alone in the street from exposure.

But, hey, that might happen anyway.

I need to get some help.

No need.

All better.

Thanks for asking, though.

Look, you don't have to get you fired, okay?

But you need to get into rehab.

I'm suddenly very tired.

I know, sir.

Come on, let's go.

All right, Kerry.

Feels good to be done with the lie.

What are we gonna do with all the cocaine?

I can't believe I paid $3,000 for this, Kerry.

I know, Mr. Wick, but admit it.

Deep down outside, you know you want this.

Wick?

Yes, O'Brien?

I just... I heard you're going into rehab, and I just wanted to wish you good luck.

Thank you, O'Brien.

You know... What?

Nothing.

I know what it is.

I've always played hard to get.

And now that I know you're going away, I have

to tell you I'm incredibly attracted to you.

Really?

Yes.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to come into

your dorm and take you right there in your room.

You're not really here, are you?

No, I'm not.

I'm totally delirious, trapped to a bed in rehab, aren't I?

Yes.

In that case, would you do some jumping jacks for me?

Okay, but only for five minutes, because then I'm going to turn into a spider.

Okay.

Oh, front or back?

Front, please.

Okay.